What it brings-

My heart is heavy tonight, another down from the up. I have desired, have struggled, have waited, have loved, have lost. The past thirty-three months have been a trial I still can not fathom. I have conceived three times, three times had the rug ripped out from under my feet before we even had a chance to feel some joy in it. And now, now there is nothing.

Some days, the bad days, I feel like ghosts are closing in. They are filling my house, every breath I take is filled with dead air and broken dreams. My lost babies, my lost future, so much loss.

Some days, the good days, I feel fine. I can do more than survive, I can be truly happy with where I am. I can laugh without restraint. I can take the joy in and savor it.

I don't always write about those days, because I let myself enjoy them to their fullest. Or rather, I try to lose myself in those moments of happiness.

On the bad days, I write. I write it out, let loose these ghosts within me. And it helps me, because who else do I have to acknowledge this pain to? I write occasional lines on f.ac.eboo.k to remind people that life is still not normal for me, because they tend to forget. But usually, acknowledging the pain makes them act strangely. Either they ignore it, or they ask what's wrong or make a comment that is inappropriate. Asking what's wrong upsets me, because I can't put it into words for them to understand if they don't already. The inappropriate comments do the same, because I know that while some people can understand on some small level, no one other than those of us unfortunate to go through this actually get it. I can't acknowledge it in real life, because people get uncomfortable. I still do though, and I keep hoping they'll realize that saying "I'm here for you," is better than silence, but they never realize.

The holidays are especially hard. My last living grandmother passed away a few weeks after my first miscarriage. That was two years ago. I've lost two more babies since then. I miss my grandmas, I miss my babies, and the holidays only extenuate those loses. Because this is a time for family, and so many pieces of my family are not here.

I can look back and remember the holidays with my grandmas, and I can hold on to those so clearly for now. My close grandma, I remember best in her kitchen as we shared our odd food tendencies we shared that no one else in the family did. I can remember her being so happy to buy me that stupid doll, and how I made sure she didn't realize I thought it was stupid- because it was a tradition to get each granddaughter that doll. She was so excited, and seeing her happy was all I needed that year. That is what made me smile as I took it out of the wrapping, that it made her happy. I remember afternoons sitting on the porch with her, as she smoked her unfiltered cigarettes. How she told me she loved my drawings, something my mother never bothered with at that point- by then, she was just telling me 'that's nice' without turning her head to look. I miss grandma most at Christmas-time, miss her gray hair and crooked arm, her love she had for all her children, and all her grandchildren, and all the great-grandchildren, and the great-great-grandchildren. She bought for us all, even though there had to be over a hundred of us in total. She knew us all. She bought me extra because she knew my father wouldn't. Because she loved me. I wish I had more time with her- I didn't even meet her until I was about ten.

My babies... I have nothing. A memory of home pregnancy tests and blood draws. Painful cramps, cervical pain, contractions, six hours of hell with the second one. The sac, that beautiful, wretched, gestational sac. The furthest I ever made, the only ultrasound where I actually got to see something. The only miscarriage where I saw what was meant to be my baby, as I passed it. There is no joy for me to hold onto here, no fond memories. I mourn the loss they represent, and that there is nothing more. I miss them in ways I can't explain. I mourn that there were no more memories, that there were no happy ones, that the only things I have to hold onto are so fragile. That no one else can remember with me, except my husband and a handful of people, and those who read this blog.

So many people remember my grandparents.
So few remember, or acknowledge, my babies.

I wanted something so much, with every fiber of my being. I wanted it so badly my heart sang with desire. And then... and then... there was loss after loss. My heart sings no more, it whimpers.

This post is disjointed and on the verge of rambling, I'm sure. I kinda feel like that though. Disjointed.

what day is it-

I finished my course work for the quarter- whew. Not sure how I did though, and waiting on one more grade to know if I graduate this quarter or not. Which is kind of nerve wracking since my final essay, a large research paper, comprises almost half of my grade. And I am really not sure how I did, no clue at all. *ETA* I passed, yay!

I've kind of lost track of the days in the meantime. I don't know what cycle day I am, for the first time in I don't know how long- years. I think I may be around cycle day 15 perhaps? I don't know. Not even temping, though I did take my temperature this morning to confirm I have not ovulated- but it wasn't very conclusive. I took it an hour later than my old time, and it was a little high. Which, I doubt it was ovulation because I never ovulate. But I guess you never know. I wouldn't hold my breath on that one. I'm debating about taking another temp tomorrow morning to double check what's going on, that way I can get my bearings before starting the prometrium. No idea when exactly I want to start that. Still waiting, no big hurry.

I'm really not in a hurry for anything. Just kinda piddling around now that I have time. I've been out of school since yesterday and I already devoured one book, and am on my way to consuming another. It's nice to be able to leisure read. So nice. I wonder how much more time I'll have for this before things change again.

One of the tires on my car has a slow leak, I just bought that thing not too many months ago- at least it feels that way. The weather has turned cold and uninviting. Winds, rains, scattered snow that doesn't stick. I hate the cold. The beauty of the weather, at times I love. The cold... the ice and dangerous roads... I could do without. The constant gray sky, the lack of color, can become quite disheartening.

Last year we couldn't bear to put the tree up. We were so down. That year we had been battling infertility for a year already, and had our first loss. We couldn't bear decorating and pretending to be happy. This year, we're been fighting so long and so hard. We've had two losses in one year.

But this year I had to put the tree up. I had to try and find what joy I could. It's been such a long hard year, and I just needed to find some happiness, to at least try to find it. I am glad I did. The tree is so beautiful, we put it together with the help of my little brother. He was so excited about it. We had so much fun putting it up and decorating it. And of course, we are going all out this year buying presents for the kids in the family. Why not? No treatments, no kids, we're splurging. We spent double what we normally spend on my little brother, and he is going to be so surprised. I can not wait to see the look on his face. We told him we wouldn't buy him the thing he wanted because it was too expensive. But we caved and bought it for him anyway. He has no clue.

My moods been lifting, and I don't mind the break now. I am enjoying it. I think my decision to skip the birth control was right on as well. I don't think taking a pill everyday would have helped my mood at all, having to count down to a new cycle. No thanks. I am thankful I skipped it. I don't have a clue what's going on with my body, and I don't care. For the first time, in so long, I don't care.

I'd forgotten what that felt like.

face to face-

When I was living in extreme poverty I saw people with cable, with new winter coats, with swimming pools and vacations- but it didn't hurt so bad, because I knew I could live without that. They weren't necessary for me to be happy. And I knew that if I really wanted those things, that one day there was always the possibility that I could have them too.

When I saw family members working for minimum wage, struggling through the pain of poverty and depression, choosing to turn to the bottle or to drugs- I chose not to life that life. I chose to go to college, to keep trying for a life where we didn't live in debt from pay check to pay check. I'm still in debt, but we aren't living on the edge. I am the first person in my family to earn a college degree. I chose not to give in and start drinking, I chose not to turn to drugs. I am the first to live my life by my own choosing, and not by circumstance. I worked my way through my final year of high school when my mother committed herself to a psychiatric ward, I worked my way through college while my father belittled me and told me to drop out to I could get a full time job- I chose to not give up. So many in my family gave up in high school, they settled for working in gas stations or as footers, becoming mothers and fathers at 18 or younger- I chose not to. I saw the life my parents lived, and I did not want that life. And I was damned if I believed that was the only way.

When I lived in a broken home, when I was abused and depressed, I saw every day that there were people who didn't live like I did. I had friends who did live like me, and friends that didn't. I was envious of the ones who didn't go through what I did- but it didn't hurt as badly as it could, because I acknowledged that this is my life. I knew I survived without a loving and stable home, and I would continue, even if things never got better. It wouldn't have been the life I chose, but it would have been my life as I knew it. I knew that one day I would have my own family, my own life, and the type of life I lived was up to me. I chose to live in a home where there was love, I chose a husband who wouldn't belittle me or beat me, who didn't drink or do drugs, I chose a life I had always dreamed of. My extended family is still not what I had dreamed it would be, and I still envy the people who have a father in their life, and a mother who is all there. But, I have half of my dream come true, I have a husband who loves me and would never hurt our children the way my parents hurt me.

But I never imagined there would be no children. I have survived these past few years on sheer determination- because I knew I would become a mother, somehow. I never once thought, "I've survived without children this long, so I know I can survive living child-free if it comes down to it." Never once. Because on this subject, I know, I would not be content. Survive, maybe, but be content with my life... never.

With infertility and losses, every day, you have to come face to face with what you don't have- the one thing in life that you don't even know if you will ever have. I go to the store, I see women with their children fussing. I see women clinging to their babies in the shelter, trying to do the right thing. I hear them laughing outside my living room window. Yelling down the street at the park. I see facebo.ok updates, cards in the mail, on the television, magazines... I remember at the winter holidays that it's time once again to go to the toy section. I pass all the children, screaming in a tantrum and laughing with happiness. Our cart is one of the few that is childless. Our hearts heavy with sadness and confusion and longing.

Every day I am reminded of what I do not have. I am reminded that I may never have it. I've fought this battle for a long time, I've been through a lot. I can not find solace in my age, in my possibilities, in science, in faith. There is no solace here. There is no resolution. There isn't even any strength left on most days. Almost three years of waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

This year, for the first time, there is no waiting. There is no hoping.
There are just memories of what almost was, but wasn't.

While part of me relishes in the idea of being free for a short while, part of me withers. It grows more bitter, and angry, and sad. My heart both sighs with relief, and with longing.

I keep reminding myself that one day, somehow, I will be a mother. But the longer this path continues, the quieter that reminder gets. The winter of my life grows colder, and colder, just like the weather outside my house. Except, the weather outside, I know it will change. I know that come spring, the sun will shine again. I'm not sure that I can say the same for this winter of my soul anymore.

The thing about this grieving, is that you can not turn it off. It comes at you from all sides, sometimes ebbing and sometimes flowing freely, even when you least expect it. It carries with it the weight of a thousand winters. The ice that encases your heart, you know it may one day melt. But it does so slowly, as brief stints of sunshine break through, but then obscure almost as quickly. It melts so slowly, that at times, you doubt it's thinning at all. Eventually you begin to doubt the very sunshine. How can it exist when everything around you is still frozen, your heart still layered in this frigid ice? What is happiness amidst such grief? You know it's there, but some days, you just can't feel it.

Every day you are reminded of the life you've never had.
The life you haven't had yet.

And it is that little clarifyer that many of us unfortunately end up struggling with.
When we turn our "when we have children" into "if we have children".

Some days, when we've had too many reminders, it's easy to let go of faith.
And sometimes, we have no choice. We have to, for our own salvation. Sometimes we have to acknowledge that we might never become parents, even if we end up screaming at the top of our lungs at the thought. It doesn't make anyone weak for acknowledging that they might not survive this the way they hoped they would. For some of us, it's being realistic. For some of us, it's the first step to finally healing, to finally resolving our infertility. For others of us, it's a necessary consideration. It's hard to move on to another option when you're still caught in the snares of, "well, if we just try this", "one more cycle"... It's hard to consider that even adoption is not a guarantee, that it can take years to adopt... more waiting, more money, more turmoil and uncertainty. It's hard to face these things, and even harder when people come at you left and right, and tell you that you shouldn't "give up", they tell you to buck up because they or someone they know went through this longer than you, went through more pain and spent more money, and it worked for them- that is not always what we need to hear. Sometimes we just need to hear, "It's okay. Whatever you decide we will support you."

Sometimes in life, we have limited choices. Sometimes our choices are made for us. Sometimes external factors play into what we do, and sometimes internal factors kick in. We each have our own limits, our own clarifiers for our decision making processes. We each know how much more our hearts can take before breaking. It doesn't make us weak, it certainly doesn't make us quitters.

Most people don't understand the full extent of what I've been through in my life. Even I am just now beginning to realize just how much damage, and just how much resistance, my life has given me. But in this struggle, facing it every day, it has taken a toll that I never imagined possible. My body, my mind, my heart, have been heavily taxed. My options are starting to dwindle. No matter what, the only thing I'm guaranteed here, is more time waiting for the sun to shine. More time wondering if I'll ever feel the sun again. Wondering when exactly enough, is enough. And if I've already passed the limit, or if I only think I have. When, or even if, this ice will finally melt.

Taking it a day at a time-

First a short summary of what we know:
- Completely Anovluatory on my own (since I was 21, before that I was extremely irregular)
- Started trying to concieve shortly after turning 22... I'm turning 25 in January
- PCOS; with a 2:1 LH:FSH ratio
- Ovaries are classic PCOS cystic
- All ultrasounds have revealed nothing to be concerned about in uterus
- High Testosterone and DHEA-S

- Glucose Tolerance Test was higher than normal, but should be controlled with Metformin

- Have tried on own, with Clomid, with FSH injectable medications and Dexamethasone

- Had issues with luteal phase while on injectables, started using progesterone

- Gotten pregnant three times, resulted in early miscarriages

- HSG was clear

- Karotyping was normal

- Tested negative for most clotting disorders, but have PAI-1 4g/5g (started low-dose aspirin after second miscarriage)

So, we decided to test for three clotting disorders which are not usually tested for at all, and are not common.

We're going to get some other stuff underway, but it's all going to be spaced out over a few months because I just have too much going on. I am graduating in three weeks, the holidays are obviously upon us, and then in January I have to renew my license, plates etc... because unfortunately, I am getting older again.

I agreed to a saline ultrasound of my uterus, just in case we missed something. I will probably go ahead and get that done next month.

I agreed to a laproscopy to check for endometriosis and anything else that might be going on, and I have also gave her the green light to go ahead just perform the ovarian drilling while in there...

I will probably not get this done until January or February though... it really depends on how my consult goes with the carpal tunnel doc... and when I can get in for surgery (hoping to have both arms done and over with at once... probably not going to happen, but who knows). Yeah. The new year is going to have quite the excitement going on.

As for if I unexpectedly find myself pregnant again, whether not trying or trying... I am to call them immediately. I will continue using low-dose aspirin and metformin. I get to use progesterone too, and she said I could continue the dexamethasone if I really want to. She also let me know that she wouldn't normally do this, but given my history and my sister's history, she is okay with putting me on Lovenox in pregnancy as well. There are of course major risks with using a blood thinner, but I am willing to take on those risks. So, if I do somehow find myself pregnant, I will begin shooting up again in a different way.

Speaking of shooting up... I decided we will not try injectables again for sure. Not given the massive dose of meds I require and our lack of success- I am not wanting to spend much more money trying to get pregnant at this point. If I do try to get pregnant again, it will be after the ovarian drilling and possibly with Clomid and Dexamethasone- but nothing more extensive than that. I'd rather put the money towards adoption savings, you know? And we may eventually try embryo adoption, but I am just not sure I want to do that now. I just don't want to invest the money into it while we don't know for sure why I keep miscarrying... I just don't know. I need more time to think about it.

And that's what I have now, time. A few months to just piddle around and get testing done, research, rest up, and think about where we're going.

The holiday today is kicking my butt. It's hard, but at least I am safe at work (no pun intended on that one, as I stare at our security cameras and buzz people in and out of the locked doors of the shelter) Safe as in, I am not seeing my in-laws today. And due to a time conflict with my mom, I will not be able to make it to her get together either. Fine by me.

My husband bought me part of my x-mas gift early, Bea.tles R.oc.kband. Rock on. That kept me entertained all night. And then tonight, after I make some turkey dinner for myself and my husband, I'm going to see a movie. Tomorrow I am having my three best friends over for my Thanksgiving vegetarian lasagna- my little brother will be there too. So, all my favoritest people will be under one roof with me- and for that, I am thankful.

My uterus-

My uterus should become a paid assassin. I'd make killing at the bank. Pun totally intended.

Beta dropped down to 15, so... as I said from the beginning, another chemical.

I'm not surprised.

I have already had a complete thrombophilia panel done. I was on low-dose aspirin for my PAI-1 4g/5g. My HSG showed no uterine abnormalities and clear tubes. Karyotyping on my husband and myself was normal. This cycle I did injectable medication, with dexamethasone to lower my DHEA-S and testosterone (hoping to make stimming better and egg quality as well), I did an IUI, timing was great and sperm count and motility were awesome, there were 2-4 eggs, I was on progesterone to support my levels after ovulation. ... and yet, none of that was enough for a viable pregnancy. So where does that leave us.

With more questions than answers.

Is it my eggs, is it my hormones, is it my uterus, is it something else like an immune issue?

I suppose the answer to those questions will officially decide where we go from here. Even if we don't keep trying, I feel like I need more answers than what I have.

But either way, we are at least taking a break until into January- maybe a lot longer.
Who knows.

Calling it quits-

Betas are supposed to double every 48 to 72 hours... mine did not. It went from 30 to 44 in 48 hours... most likely non-viable. Not that I'm surprised.

Now, I am asking the universe to just let it be a defective embryo, and not an ectopic. Not to sound crazy, but I would like to minimize the damages. A chromosomally abnormal embryo I can handle, I've had it before, but I don't want to deal with an ectopic. Please not the added drama of an ectopic.

And so... this is my limit. This is my breaking point. This is me calling it quits. At this point, I'm not sure I want to try embryo adoption because I can not handle going through this again. At least not anytime soon. I know things change, but for now this is how I feel. Right now, I don't ever want to be pregnant again. Maybe I will want to in a month, or a year, maybe never, who knows. But for now, fuck that shit.

I think we're going to take a break from attempting any paths to parenthood for awhile. It's been a really long, and hard, two and a half years. And I am just... done. I can't do this anymore. I can't.

I know now that a biological child is something that I can not have, and am not sure I even want anymore... not at this price. And as much as I want to adopt, I know we can't right now. So where does that leave us?

Babyless, childless, and probably suffering our third loss.

On a break- until further notice.

More news to come Monday, when I get poked again for a repeat beta... fucking hell.

Should I be happy-

First of all.. I'm still spotting, for what that's worth.

This morning, Nurse calls me. She tells me my beta from 13dpo came back at 30, her voice all excited, and she tells me I am pregnant.

Yeah, you actually expect me to get on the happy train with you nurse? Um, no. Don't know if you actually read my chart, but see I've been here twice before- and neither time did I make it to the desired destination.

I shall refrain from getting on the happy train, mmmkay? If I have a good doubling beta, and make it past 6 weeks this time, if we see a heartbeat... maybe I will join you. But, don't hold your breath on that one.

I go in for a repeat beta on Friday. Should get the results by that evening.

I better not miscarry on Thanksgiving. That's the smallest favor I'm asking from the cosmos. If I stay "pregnant" I will be 5 weeks on Thanksgiving... 5 weeks seems to be about the time that things like going wrong for me. So, here's to hoping that if I miscarry it will be soon, or sometime after Thanksgiving and before Christmas. The holiday's are hard enough on their own, thank you very much.

I know I sound horribly pessimistic... but I've had two miscarriages out of two pregnancies (which, if you do the math, equals no babies). Pregnancy to me isn't what it is for so many other women. I have no faith in pregnancy, it has failed me. I have no faith in my body, it has failed me. I have no faith in the whole reproductive process, it has failed me. I know many women get pregnant, and things work out just as they should. But I have not been one of them. The most I can ask, is that if things don't work out, that they at least do so in a manner that creates the least damage. No matter what, it will cause damage... but I'm looking at the calendar and hoping the blow won't be as traumatic as it could be. Miscarrying this week, would be much less painful (both emotionally and physically) than it would be if I miscarried on Thanksgiving.

If it works out... well, that's wonderful. But if it doesn't... I don't want to have every Thanksgiving get together with our families to be a constant reminder of the little life I lost, and the turn our life never got to take, that everyone else's lives did.

I'm just saying.

I would love for it to work out- I would. But I can't let myself think of that. I've been there. I've dreamed those dreams. But the hard facts are right there in front of us- pregnancy does not always equal a baby.

Unless you've experienced the pain of loss, it's hard to imagine just how very draining it truly is. All the happiness, all the shiny glow of pregnancy, all the colors in the world- they sorta fade away. You fight, you fight so hard, to get them back- and maybe if you get pregnant and stay pregnant, maybe each day it gets a little brighter, maybe the glow grows back... but I don't know, I've never been there. For me, after the second miscarriage, the world just grew darker, every last shred of faith in pregnancy died.

Maybe it works for other people... but the fact of the matter is, for me, I have lost two babies. There are two lives I will never get to meet. I went through immense pain emotionally, and excruciating pain physically. I lost parts of myself that I will never, ever, get back. Parts of me died. Parts of me broke, and can't be repaired. Relationships were lost, and others strengthened. My life changed. I changed.

So, I know I sound like a pessimist- and who knows, maybe I am- but I want you to know where I'm coming from.

In real life, almost everyone takes miscarriages for granted, as if they are just a thing that happened... but they aren't. It changes a person, losing your baby. People assume you are still the same person after loss- and you aren't. You aren't.

This is who I am now. If I had a choice, I would still be naive like those women who get pregnant easily and carry to term with no issues... but I'm not, and there's no use dreaming I am, or pretending I am. This is who I am now. This is my life, as I know it.

Waiting-

I guess we wait now. I got the beta done, after much debate and dread. Hopefully the results will be in tomorrow and I can get a repeat on Friday. Maybe, depending on how things look, and how I feel. I really don't care about betas anymore, they are teasing wicked lying bitches. I know they can reassure and are good for confirmation about what is going on... but I don't like them anymore. Last pregnancy I had perfect doubling betas, they tripled at times, things looked lovely. And we know how that ended.

No, I don't have faith in betas anymore.

Spotting has definitely lessened now- and it's 14 days past the trigger, or 13dpo. I got my visit from mother nature at this point last injectable cycle. My pregnancy tests are still positive... I don't think it would still be the trigger at this point. I'm still taking my progesterone supplements in case I am pregnant.

But, I'm still not 100% that I am actually am pregnant.
I think I may be pregnant though, but I refuse to say that I am for sure.
And if I am, I still have my doubts about viability.


For those of you who are curious, here are my tests...

I will update again tomorrow when I have the results.
I kinda feel like I'm stuck on a really bad soap opera right now.

can I get off the train now-

13 days after trigger, 12 days past ovulation, and still a positive test. Highly doubting it's the trigger, but what do I know. I'm not a professional, right? What is it with nurses at infertility clinics? Why can't I ever get a compassionate one? Why do they act like I'm a freaking nut who doesn't know how my body works? Like I'm an idiot or something. Like I haven't been through this before.

She tells me, "It's to early to tell, and it's to early for a beta to be definitive."

Bull shit. My beta at 11dpo was fucking definitive last pregnancy, and the rising time after showed that it was progressing. I don't see how doing a beta, and then a follow-up beta two days later, wouldn't be definitive in this scenerio.

I explained how my body metabolizes the trigger fast, and that I know when I ovulated (the evening of my IUI) But no, it's still too early to know for sure. I should wait till Friday, like I was supposed to. My IUI was on a Thursday, they told me two weeks after that to test. Umm, so Thursday is when they told me to test. So to add on to it, they're trying to make me wait yet another day for everything. Fucking hell.

I guess I was hysterical enough because, after she told me it sounds like the spotting just means my period is coming and the test doesn't mean anything, well then she tells me that if it will make me feel better I can get the beta.

Yeah, if it would make me feel better. She says normally they would have the patients wait, but since it's me we could go ahead. Thanks, that really helps so much.

I asked when she would be calling the order in. She seemed surprised that I wanted it today... umm, why would I be calling if I didn't want it today? She said she would have it called in within the next half hour. Oh, but shit. The lab closes at 4pm, and it was around 3:35pm when I got off the phone... and it's over a 30 minute drive with after school and rush hour traffic (for some reason rush hour starts at 4 on the interstate)... yeah, no way I could make it. And very unlikely the order would have even been in before they closed.

So I guess insensitive nurse gets her way, and I will just wait this out and see what happens.

Spotting continues. Brown. Just like I had in my last pregnancy. Of course, it could be my period on it's way. Whatever. I am so done with this. I should have waited to test, but I'm a fucking moron. Am I pregnant, am I not, do I even fucking care at this point?

Damn. I feel stupid, and gyyped, and there's this crushing weight on my chest because this is it. This was the last real try for a biological child, at least for a very very long time. And I expected failure. I did. But not like this- I expected swift quick failure like last time. Now I have to wait and see how things progress tonight into tomorrow morning, and if mean bitch shows her face or not.

It never ends-

So, after not properly testing it out I am not sure if my faint positive yesterday was because of pregnancy, or still from the trigger- I was 10 days past ovulation (dpo), otherwise known as 11 days after trigger. The last time my trigger was out 8 days later at 7dpo. So, technically it should be out.

A faint dollar tree test this morning showed a super faint positive as well. There wasn't really a line yesterday on that brand, but today there is a hard to see one. My First Response test last night definitely had a line, but it was light. I can't say it definitely wasn't the trigger though, unfortunately. So I planned on retesting today to see how that line is doing, if it went away, etc...

So I went upstairs just now to use the bathroom, and I found pink and red spotting. Great. Little late for implantation, so my guess is the end. I thought, okay, still going to test with the First Response test though... but even if it comes back positive I am still not going to hold onto any hope because all signs point to no.

So I tested... still a faint positive. Granted it was with diluted urine, but still... pretty darn faint.
Add that to my spotting and you get=
Fuck.

Looks like I may be adding another chemical pregnancy to my list.

Yes, yes, I know. It could very well still be viable or something or other if I really am pregnant.
I will call the doc tomorrow and annoy them about those possibilities. They probably don't want to hear it though, because they told me not to test until 14 days after my IUI.

I'm just going to curl into a ball and bawl my eyes out now.

ETA: I know it's still to early to confirm one way or another. But right now I feel like it is, and if I get my period tomorrow I will never know for sure. And that sucks big time. And it may be to early to say my period is on it's way too, except last time I had spotting at 12dpo and got my period in full force on 13dpo. Sooo... this is very similar except a day off (and except for the fact that I had negative tests on 10, 11, and 12dpo last time too) So... I am not 100%, as I said... I just feel like I know where this is going.

Here's what I'd really like to say-

Today I thought I'd get some aggression out by writing some things out I haven't yet had the gall to say (and that's probably a good thing)

So here are some of the stupid things that have been said, or asked to us, over the past 31 months of infertility... and what I wish I had said in response to them. Let's start at the beginning and work our way up, shall we?

"Now, you don't know there's something wrong yet."

"Umm, yeah I do. I don't ovulate- which I'm sure to you is a bunch of gibberish, since you had four kids accidentally (with your first at sixteen), but see this 'ovulation' thing is kinda needed if I am going to have a biological child. But thanks for basically telling me I am making shit up- way to support me mom."

"You're lucky you can't get pregnant, you're not really missing out on anything. The stretch marks are awful, vomiting, hemorrhoids..." <- said by an ex-coworker

"Hmm, just because you hated carrying your child and creating life, doesn't mean I would feel the same. But, since you mention it... I am lucky, because I know the true value of life and how precious it is. I feel sorry for you."

"It could have been worse" <- said to me after my first miscarriage "I'm infertile, and I just had a miscarriage after trying for a year- yeah, it could be so much worse. I could be trapped in a room with you and your insensitive comments for the rest of my life."

"You know, there are so many kids out there that need homes."

"Really? Why don't you fertiles adopt them then? I didn't realize it was my job to save the children."

"Well, you want to make sure you get a younger one. You don't want one of those broken ones, you know, that's been sexually abused and stuff." <- said about adoption by an immediate family member, who was actually molested and raped as a child

"Woah. I didn't realize that kids could be 'broken'. I guess that explains what happened to you"

"My husband's parents couldn't have kids. They adopted him, and then they relaxed and popped out four." <- said by my 'friend'

"Wow, so happy for them- but, umm, remember, I have a medical condition. Do you have ADD? A memory deficit? I have told you this about a hundred times, but you seem to just keep forgetting... maybe you need to relax, then you'll be able to remember better. It is a cure all, right? Will it cure my aunt's cancer too?"

"I kinda wish I was infertile."

"I kinda wish I was an insensitive prick like you. Then I would be able to tell you where to shove it, and how far to ram it up there."

"I told you it would happen!" <- said by my 'friend' when we found out we were pregnant the second time, after trying for two years

"Wow, I didn't know it happened because you said it would. I thought it happened because of all the pills I took, and all the sex I had with my husband."

"You know, there's nothing wrong with adoption" <- said by my my father-in-law to my husband after our second miscarriage

"Really? Did not know that. What the hell was I thinking- why have I been reading books about adoption and researching agencies and policies... the only important thing to know about it, is that there's nothing wrong with it. I must be over thinking this shit! I probably just need to relax."

"Is the reason you don't hang out with me so much because I have my baby? You know, I didn't plan him." <- said by my 'friend', who by the way stopped birth control to get pregnant, so... umm... he was planned

"No, I don't hang out with you because you're an insensitive bitch." That's it for today. I may have more of these post in the future, because it felt really good to get that out! Probably not very good though, since I just unleashed my extreme negativity into the wild... but hey, it had to go somewhere.

Slacker

I've started several blog posts this week, and saved them with the intent to publish- but never saw them through. I'm just a bit distracted I guess, perhaps intentionally so.

It probably helps that I haven't, and as a matter of fact still do not, feel well. The HCG trigger shot was kicking my ass with heartburn, then (what I believe was) ovulation felt like my ovaries had just went ahead and exploded in my abdominal cavity- leaving lots of fluid and shrapnel behind. My lower abdomen feels like it's been beaten, like it is bruised and trying like hell to mend. It was awful Thursday night and all of Friday, but it got better over the weekend. It's still sore though, and now only my ovary area hurts. I suppose I should be thankful for that. They do still hurt, still feel enlarged and uncomfortable- but I'll take it.

I've been trying to ignore my wait here. I am not the most optimistic, as I've said a hundred times, but I am anxious to know one way or another. I plan on testing on Monday the 16th- I should be 11 days past ovulation (dpo) by then. I got my positive tests at 11dpo with both of my last pregnancies, so we'll see. I know it's still early, but if it's negative I will be all the more prepared for it by the early testing- rather than waiting for my confirmation. But that's just me, we all have our preferences. I bought three dollar store tests, and don't plan on buying any more. I'm not even testing the trigger out this time, I am assuming it will be out by 8 or 9 days like before.

My in-laws normally have Thanksgiving at one of the parent's houses, since they're divorced. They threw us a curve ball this year though, and my sister-in-law is having it at her new house, with her family and her husband's family in attendance. Hmm, we've never had it at our house. Wonder why. Because we didn't suggest it? Because we were vegetarians? Because we have no kids? Because no one really likes us?

I'm probably just being bitchy, but we've been married three years- and they're newly weds. We've had our house for three years, the house my husband and his siblings grew up in, by the way- and no one even visits us here, don't call, don't say much to us when they do see us.

We weren't planning on going anyway, but they didn't know that. We found out they switched who was hosting it, because his sister called and asked what she could make for us to eat- yeah, we've been eating fish and turkey for awhile now, but no one knows this because they don't talk to us, so she thinks we're still strict vegetarians. Whatever.

She'll probably announce she's pregnant or something. I did the math... they're newly weds, he has a seven year old from a previous relationship and she has none yet, they just bought a house, they're having the get together at their house with all their family... seems logical to me, but it could be my infertile mind seeing things that aren't there.

But, I am an angry infertile bitch who hates kids- right?

On that note, I'm still having issues with my stupid friend. I told her we needed to just sit down in person and talk about our issues, (because I wasn't going to type it all out and have a drag out fight with fa.ceb.ook messages, even though she was all for it, as she was sending me angry assualting texts and messages online... umm, grow up)... but then I had my IUI and blew her off, because my ovaries were exploding and I didn't want to deal with her drama. And I mean it is ridiculous. She is being absolutely ridiculous- I've known her for over 17 years now, but I can't take much more of this crap.

Re-reading this... yup, I am extremely bitchy. I apologize for the excessive whiny-ness and use of swear words; I do try to tone it down usually. But, I'm just in one of those moods right now.

I had to take my cat with FIV to the vet. FIV is an immuno disease, like HIV in humans, so he can't fight off the simplest things. Well, he had the sniffles, which turned into the eyes/nose/mouth leakage crap... so he got shot up with high dose antibiotics, I have vitamins to give him, eye antibiotic, and ear drops (because to top it off he has ear mites again) Poor baby, he hates me when I come up to give him meds. But then he's all in my face trying to curl into my arms when we go to sleep... such a dork. Hopefully being aggressive with his treatment, he will get better.

Unfortunately, eventually illnesses and the disease itself taking a turn for the worse can be fatal for FIV cats. Lets hope that day is not today- I am optimistic that he will be on the mend, and have a long full life ahead of him. Until then though, he'll have to bear with me as I give him all those unpleasant medications. Poor boy.

Done and done

The IUI is over... the wait has begun. Count and motility were once again inspiring, and yet depressing- because it's yet another reminder of how awesome my husband's reproductive capabilities could have been, if he hadn't fallen in love with me. But, moving on...

Speaking of moving on, this is our last injectable cycle and our last IUI- it's kinda hitting me just now, today. I mean, yes, we may come back to this somewhere down the road in our lives... very very far down the road... but for now, this is it. We are going to be done for awhile.

When we fail this cycle (shh, I know we might not- but seriously? not holding my breath on any other outcome at this point) Anyway, when we fail we will take the rest of the year off on birth control pills probably, because we all know I will have a maze of leftover cysts.

Then we may try another cycle of Clomid, this time with Dexamethasone... just for shits and giggles, mind you, because it's cheap and it's sort of a "why not" type of situation. But then we'll probably be starting the embryo adoption process early in next year... of course, right now I am not as sure about that as I once was.

It's not that my heart has changed- I am still very much into it and excited- but our financial situation may be changing again. My husband really hates his current job, but he stays there for many reasons which all boil down to necessity. Right now though, I am thinking the cons are outweighing the pros, and maybe it's time to move on. I graduate college next month, and will be looking for a "real job" that's more sustainable than my current one.

Which is a shame... I love my current job, as crazy as it gets sometimes, but the hours and pay are too little to live on. My best hope as far as that goes, is that I can find a job that is as rewarding as my current one and covers the bills (which is probably asking a lot). No one in my family has ever graduated college before, and no one ever had a career either... I'm in uncharted territory with no one to turn to. It's kinda scary; it reminds me of the day I went down to the campus and filed all my paperwork for admission on my own. Except, of course, this is ten times more intimidating.

So, long story short... we may be having a cost of living versus amount of income upheaval, and things are just really sketchy. I don't plan on calling the clinic about getting on their waiting list until I know for sure we are going to be able to go through with it... and I know this pushes things back even further, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I'm hoping things work themselves out, if not the way I want them to, then at least in the way they need to.

Life is up in the air right now- we have some major discussions and planning to consider, but we have time to make the decisions we need to. Nothing is absolutely urgent yet, but we do need to figure something out soon.

I kind of feel like I am standing at the ledge of a great precipice- behind me is a land of the known, the comforting- but before me there is a great expanse of possibility.

The question isn't whether I jump, but rather how I am going to land.

Again

Today there was a 17.4 (Maybe- it's at a weird angle. She measured it twice yesterday and it came out as 17 and the second time as 19... she only measured it once today.) then two 15's. On the left, the 14 grew to a 16.5. So there are 2 to 4 mature follicles depending on if you think the 15's can catch up (not holding my breath). I think my lining was 10...

So, we triggered. It is done.

I have an IUI scheduled for tomorrow morning... but I gotta tell you I am not feeling it.
Of course that doesn't come as a surprise to any of you, huh?

At least this will all be over before Thanksgiving... I will be TTC free that week, one way or another, and able to relax. I wasn't planning on stressing the holiday too much anyway. I'm going to be working that morning- remember I work in a domestic violence shelter, and someone needs to be there 24/7... I get to spend it with the women there, get paid double time, avoid the in-laws, and no one will say anything about it because of where I work.

I win.

I did this last year too.
I really dislike the way my in-laws treat me and my husband. Even if I hadn't offered to work the holiday, we wouldn't be going to see them anyway. At least this way, there's less friction when we tell them we can't make it.

Hmm, how did that happen

Umm, so yeah. I may be triggering tomorrow. Already.

I had three mature follicles today, and a trailing 14. I am going to stim one more night, see if we can get that 14 bigger, and then probably trigger tomorrow morning after one last follicle check.

It was a complete shock for me, I thought we'd be stimming until at least Friday. Oh well, I suppose we will see what happens.

With my luck, they could all reabsorb by tomorrow morning.
Ha ha ha (<- note the sarcasm)

Me- bitter and jaded? Noooo. What would make you think that?

(*sigh*)

Well, monitoring appointment went well enough. Didn't get my E2, but there are three follicles trying to take the lead. Of course, with my ovaries that certainly doesn't always mean a thing. But we'll see. I go back Tuesday to have another look-see.

I am exhausted, I have been entertaining people all weekend. We had a Halloween get together, and it was awesome to spend time with my friends and enjoy ourselves. Of course, it was a lot of work and I am ready to curl into a ball and sleep all week... wish I could.

I am having issues with a friend of mine, and don't know how to resolve them. I didn't invite her to my small get together- I only had two people over- and she feels very slighted. She is convinced it's because of her baby- because I am just the crazy infertile who hates people with babies, didn't you know.

I know she doesn't mean it like that, but I'm having some other issues with her too and she just keeps bringing this up. There are other issues, that even if I explained to her I know she wouldn't understand at all. I've tried to touch on them before, but she just does not even try to understand where I am coming from. I'm not going to get into it... but it's a huge mess.

Ungh, she sent me several angry text messages because I didn't invite her to my get together. Not just one, but several. I didn't think what I did was so bad, was it? There were a lot of people I didn't invite. Seriously.

Can I scream? I don't understand social crap at all, really.

Sorry, non-trying to concieve rant over and out.

Miscarriages- each unique and heart breaking

I started this post a few days ago, but can't seem to finish vetting it out. So I'll just post what I got... but forewarning, this isn't a complete coherent post.

See, I feel like the second loss is in some ways easier to deal with (since I had something tangible to see on the screen) and in some ways harder on me (because I had something to see when I miscarried...) My first miscarriage was a chemical, so I didn't have anything visual to hold onto in any regard- and this last time, it was different. And I still don't know exactly how to feel about it, except to keep grieving and let it roll in and roll out in waves, until I can be at peace with it.

But it's not so simple as that, there's also dealing with what the second one meant. One miscarriage may be bad luck, but two consecutive losses (even if they were a year apart)... some days the first loss of innocence seems like it was the hardest, and then others it was the complete loss of innocence that seems the worst.

Most days, the second one seems like a dim memory. Conceived the day before my birthday, too good to be true... the miscarriage itself was slightly blurry from the vicodin (but not enough of a blur, because it is very vivid and I try not to think about it at all if I can help it... I have never been in so much physical pain in my life) It went slowly, yet it is all one lump in my memory... and I think part of the problem about it anymore is that I am just so jaded.

I really am. I believe that I can not ovulate, can not get pregnant anymore, can not carry to term- and I need to believe this, otherwise I will just get hurt more when they come true. And they do, they keep happening, and I can't handle these extreme measures of failure anymore. I know it sounds callous to not believe, not have any faith- but I can't do that anymore. I can't get my hopes up and have them crushed, time and time again.

Here we go... again

Thanks for all the supportive comments, I really appreciate it.

First of all, the cycle is a go. She said my ovaries look much better, there are still itty-bitty cysts, but that's to be expected... it's called PCOS for a reason I suppose. I guess we're doing one last final (for reals) injectable cycle. I still have a little bit of meds left, and will likely have to supplement with some out-of-pocket but we decided on one last try by these means...

So my cocktail this cycle will be:
- Metformin, which was increased to 1500 mg a day
- Dexamethasone 2mg from CD3-Ovulation
- 81mg Aspirin
- FSH 225iu CD3-6, then a follicle check on CD7

Yes, CD7... which just so happens to be Halloween.
Hmmm... I wonder if it'll be a trick, or a treat.

And about the last two posts (*In response to Birdsandsquirrels' and Penny's comments*)

The headaches/migraines I've had since I was a child are just treated over the counter. I used to take Ib.upr.fen (which didn't help much at all) but had to stop when my doctor became concerned over my long term use. I was taking the maximum dosage OTC a day, every day, at the time. I now either ignore them as best I can, or rotate between using Ib.upro.fen, Acet.amino.phen, and Nap.roxen S.odium- on medicated cycles I try to just stick with Ac.eta.minophen. I was prescribed Im.itrex once, but ended up spending all day in the E.R. because of it (I'm allergic, apparently.)

Most of the time they go away after I go to sleep, so that seems to work-but not always. Sometimes I wake up and I still have the migraine- those days suck. My pain threshold is pretty high for them though, so I usually just grit my teeth and deal with it. If you ever meet me and I'm squinting alot and seem really agitated- now you'll know why.

... And what did I buy... hmmm, books. I always seem to be buying books... I need another bookshelf already. And I also bought dark chocolate with mint candy... yummm. See, perfect planning on this combination- curl up with the books and chow down on some candied goodness!

Retail therapy is useful in a myraid of situations. Like today- I consoled myself about having to do the injections again; I went and bought new paints and paper, because I was running low on acr.ylics. Yes, retail therapy- not good on the wallet, but so good for the heart.

I suppose I ought to give my poor belly a pep-talk. It's not going to like me tomorrow. (*sigh*)

Ho-hum

If you remember, I talked about possibly going to my local resolve support group meeting- well, weeks ago I emailed the contact listed on Resolve's website- but never heard back.

I guess it isn't for me after all.
Maybe they stopped having the meetings, or didn't update their information, or something.
Who knows.
_______________________________________
I can't wait to be off these stupid birth control pills. They used to be a godsend for me, because they helped so much with my PCOS symptoms. But, I think they are the cause of my recent headache issues. See, I normally get one migraine a week (if I'm really lucky, I get three or four) and then I get headaches on the off days, normally mild. I've learned to live with it. As a child they did all sorts of testing, tried surgery on my sinuses because of a birth defect I had, but the headaches just came back. I'm used to those. Over the years, you just sorta learn to cope with chronic pain. You have no other choice. So I did.

But, I've been having pseudo-migraines since I started the birth control, every day. It's annoying. They aren't quite migraines, but they aren't quite as mild as headaches either- they're nasty bullies.

The other issue the birth control gave me, was lots of spotting a week ago. I took birth control off and on for years and never had spotting on it. I called the clinic, no help there. They said it could be my body adjusting, or perhaps the cysts- so I was told to keep taking it. So, a week after my period ended, I got doubly blessed with a second pseudo-period.
Yay me.

I am just so ready to be done with this. I mean, I normally love being on birth control pills- but this is grating my last nerve. While I know that is could possibly be the brand in specific, as I had no other issues with my previous brands- there really isn't a point in switching it when I was only going to take it for a month- and I have less than a week left now. But, I can certainly bitch and complain.
_______________________________________
I know I touched on this last post, but my insurance picked up a significant part of our bill last cycle- and I am still super stoked. So many reasons. One, I'm not paying as much money for failure- yay! Two, we can put that money into savings towards other means of family building- that was the biggest relief of all.

So, we'll see what are able to do this month. After that, we may try another round of Clomid with Dexame.thaso.ne... maybe two if I manage to ovulate on the first. And then we plan to quit trying to concieve on our own- and instead we'll call the clinic we found out of state in regards to their embryo adoption program. If that goes well, we can get on their waiting list (which they claim the wait time is anywhere from 6 months to a year).

Of course, I can talk about our plans all day long- it doesn't mean they'll happen.
But, it's good to have a clear idea of where we're going, at least for now.

Lingering in the shadows

I should have been due this week. My birthday surprise was due on the twenty-second. Even though I was on my sixth Clomid cycle, it was still a surprise, because I'd only ovulated one other time while taking the Clomid. I didn't think my sixth cycle would be any different than the other four rounds that hadn't worked. But it was... thanks to my unexpected use of Predni.sone for whiplash, a most fruitful coincidence it was.

And yet here I am, seven months later.
Still no closer to being a mother.
Missing my little blob of promise.

I have ovulated once since then.

This reminds me of the first miscarriage.
I reached the EDD for it, and I only had one ovulation under my belt as well.
With no resulting pregnancy.

It's kind of depressing really- to have tried so hard, paid so much money, and yet nothing works. I mean this in the sense that the treatments don't seem very effectual for making my ovaries do anything. Not just in the sense that I am still not a mother. Although that is something to consider as well.

I should be due soon, but instead I'm on birth control pills.
Ain't that a cruel kick in the pants.

I had some mild relief today though.

Amazingly enough, if things are coded smarter my insurance will pick up some of the tab. Go you Dr. Incredulous (and damn you Dr. BlowsSunshine) I got my insurance not-a-bill forms today, and I jumped up and down like a school girl. So I didn't get pregnant- but at least I'm not paying as much money for not getting pregnant, as I had to last time. I am extremely thankful for that.

It's one thing to face the fact that the treatments didn't work, but it's another to get smacked upside the face with a large bill that just reminds you that should it have worked you would have gladly paid the bill- but as it were, there really isn't much of an upside to it... other than knowing you did everything you could. But, that bill is still salt in the wound despite that.

So, I am thankful... but still so sad.

I miss the two I tried to carry, but failed.

You know, I don't really have faith in a biological child anymore.
I don't really have faith in fertility treatments anymore either.
I question the whole institution of conception and pregnancy... at least, for us.

Still I am thankful for a reduced bill, finally.
I am thankful that I can stop the birth control pills next week-
and that we can get this show on the road already.

I don't have faith in it working (as in ovulating, getting pregnant, or a pregnancy resulting in a baby) but I am willing to give it another try. For now. Well, if we are able to. I guess we'll have to wait to see what the ovaries have been up to first. They are stubborn bitches.

I can't believe how much time is just flying by- yet how it somehow crawls, and remains completely stagnant at the same time. I don't feel like it's already been two and half years since we decided to start our family. I don't feel like time is moving at all, these three weeks have seemed like torture. Yet, in a mere three months I will be twenty-five already. Yet... I still feel like I'm twenty-two...

I kind of feel like I'm in a time paradox- you know, where you suddenly yell, "Stop, this can't be happening!" because time has unwound and reorganized itself at random intervals and in no particular order- and you're just along for the ride. Of course, no one outside the time bubble can see this- only you. So you watch as time contorts your life and you have to go at random speeds, with random hurdles and jumps with no rhyme and reason, but everyone else's life is on a smooth straight line heading right where it should be, just the way they should.

... ... ... Then again, maybe I just need to lay off the sci-fi.

October 15

A day to remember;
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

There is this poem by Seamus Heaney, called "Elegy for a Still-Born Child", that I would like to share. I of course don't have the rights to post it all here, but you can check out this link to read the whole poem.

The story goes like this; Seamus Heaney had a friend who was expecting a child. But then, the child passed away before it was born. Heaney, though he did not experience this directly, still mourned for that child. He mourned for his friend, and what they went through, and all the things that went wrong, that never should have.

There is a section of that poem that always catches in my throat, it sums up the emotions of child-loss so well. It says,

"On lonely journeys I think of it all,
Birth of death, exhumation for burial,
A wreath of small clothes, a memorial pram,
And parents reaching for a phantom limb."

The loss of a child is the loneliest journey of all. Things that we don't normally think about in unison, come colliding together with painful clarity- birth and death, joy replaced with sorrow, objects that should have been brought to use, now bring the pain of stasis- the child who had made it's home within us, tragically leaves us.

And the child, the child we never get to see, touch, hear, caress, for the rest of our lives- we always reach for them- like a phantom limb. Nothing ever seems right, because that child is gone, and it was such a part of us- and even once gone, will always be a part of us. No matter much time passes, you still remember what it was like and keep reaching for them, because that kind of love never goes away.

Today I am remembering my two lost ones, gone far to soon.
I'm remembering my neice, whose heart beat one day, but not the next- stillborn at full term.
My aunt who was stillborn- who my grandmother never stopped loving and missing.
Today I'm remembering the losses of all my friends online, and in real life.

I will be lighting my candle at 7pm in their honor.

Please, take a moment and remember with us.

Ineffectual

Mir.riam-We.bster tells me that 'ineffectual' means "not producing the proper or intended effect" See also, "Futile"

Yeah. That's how I feel about fertility treatments right now.

Two and a half years. I've done 7 rounds of Clomid, and two rounds of injectables. All this over the course of 16 months... I've only ovulated 3-4 times during that time. I got pregnant once during treatments, and I miscarried promptly (Well, the baby stopped growing promptly. I had to wait 3 weeks to finally miscarry.)

You do the math- but no matter how you look at it, my treatments have been ineffectual. I mean, my ovaries can't even seem to perform a basic task. My uterus, don't get me started about that... two miscarriages, really?

But, I digress... where was I?

Oh, yeah- ineffectuality. I went into fertility treatments hopeful, worried but mildly hopeful. Well, I thought I may need bigger guns than the majority- and I did- but I was still tentatively hopeful that one day the fertility treatments would bring me my heart's desire.

I was naive- or stupid- depending on how you want to look at it. I thought fertility treatments worked. Well, I thought they did for most people.

And I was naive- or stupid- enough to believe that lightening couldn't strike twice; I had some small semblance of faith that the treatments would work eventually. I mean, seriously, infertility and having the treatments not work? How could something so messed up happen?

But, it did. Lightening does strike twice. I have had to face the fact that infertility hit me hard- and now, to also face the facts that the treatments just aren't working. I hate wasting all that time, all that money, all that emotioanlly energy, on something that just isn't working- and yet we keep doing it. It makes me feel like I'm delusional at times, and I ask myself why I bother.

I don't ovulate; I was 21 when my ovaries went on strike. I will be 25 in three months. Look at all that time, that immense struggle, all that I've been through, and yet... and yet... I still fear throwing in the towel. I fear letting it go, because for so long it has been the only thing I clung to- my last shred of non-existent hope. I thought, 'the treatments will work'- 'one more cycle'- 'one more try'... but, how I want to let go. I think that, one day soon, I will. And I will cry, and I will scream, and I will finally be free of these shackles, and I will fly again- I will be able to smile again with all my soul, instead of with just half of it.
_______________________________________________

I have two weeks and two days left of birth control pills to take. Almost one whole week down- it's been a long week, and I've been tossing and turning internally. I can't shut off this part of me that always thinks about infertility and what we're going to do about it- but I have been trying to think about it less, and trying so hard to just be in the moment. It's hard, after spending so long in one mindset to try and shift about to another.

I'm not trying to get pregnant right now- yet even when I'm not trying I am trying. I am contemplating, prepping, preparing, my pills are to reduce my cysts and normalize my hormones, I keep taking my Metformin with hope that my body will be ready next month, I take my aspirin, I research adoption, we save money for procedures and hopes- when I took a break after a miscarriage it was to let my body heal, one for my physical health, two for my mental and emotional well being, and finally to be ready to try again. Alway, always, with the hope of moving foward- of realizing our dream.

I wonder what it's like to not think about it, to actually take a break without ulterior motives. I know we used to live like that, at one point... but I can't recall it. I went to college for the sake of my future children, saved money for the sake of my future children, I became a better person for the sake of my future children- they're not here, yet almost everything I've ever done has been for them.

Yet... they're still not here.

Sometimes I think that I need to learn to live for myself before I will find them. But, as a child, I did have to live for myself- it was so hard. No one else was there for me, just myself and everything I ever wanted. I had no hand to guide me, no one to look out for me, no one cared if I came home at night or not. But I wanted to love, and be loved, and to care for others. And I did, from my little brother, to my husband, to my small animal army. I need to love, I need to nurture- it's an integral part of me. I spent the first half of my life finding a reason to live, a reason to not give up- and now, I spend my life trying to fullfill that reason.

I wonder what it will be like, finally having that reason in my arms...

Real life

I have an immense community online who have supported me through this terrible tumble down the rabbit hole. Yet there is, of course, only so much people online can do for me. Writing out what I am going through, writing down what I am feeling, allows distance to what I'm feeling.

And while sometimes that is good, as it allows us to put it out there and sort through our myriad of emotions without getting lost- it isn't always a good thing. Sometimes we need to say it out loud to release it, we have to give it a name.

Sometimes I keep it all inside, and I let it simmer. I write it down, but it comes out muted and incomplete. And then, eventually, I dare to utter it out loud- and my house of cards comes crashing down. As happens every now and then, late at night, when I can't take it anymore- and I say what I'm thinking to my husband. I open the box where I keep all my fears. And I bawl for several hours, late into the morning, and though nothing is resolved- I feel better. Not the next morning, and maybe not the next day, but I feel better eventually. Maybe that week, or the one after that. It's like shaking a bottle, and finally twisting the cap off. I feel spent, but so much lighter.

But I know this probably isn't healthy to keep doing. I know I probably should say these things out loud more often. I should scream them in the car from time to time. I should curse them out.

But, the thing is- to who would I tell them, other than myself, my husband, and my cats. My husband has heard it all before, he's been through it. My cats just nudge me and nuzzle me- and while that's nice, it isn't enough. I need to know I'm not alone, that my husband and I are not the only ones drifting through the dark trees of the forest, where the sun doesn't shine. That we're not the only ones that hear the laughter, and see the light through the treeline, and know that it's not for us- not now, and maybe never. And I appreciate that online support is, well, awesome (and so sad because so many of us have been in these shoes)- but I can not speak it out loud here- it's not exactly the same. I don't know how to explain it.

The only person I know in real life that gets it, I mean actually gets any part of it on that basic deeper level, is my sister. And she understands the losses, since she has had a still birth. But even she admits she can only imagine how painful infertility must be for us. She never had a problem getting pregnant, it was delivering living children that kept her up at night. And also, she lives across the country from me, all the way out west- and I am out east. She can talk to me, listen, but the whole time I can hear her children calling her in the background- and most of the time she can only half listen because her attention is always elsewhere. I don't blame her that, I understand that her kids need her. It's just hard because then, who does that leave that I can I talk to?

I have been thinking about going to the local resolve group that meets once a month. Well, if you can call it local- it's an hour drive! But, there are no local support groups here in my community. I've already checked. I am interested in going to this meeting, but I just don't know. One, it's an hour drive. Two, I am afraid of crumbling in a heap of tears if I open my mouth. Heck, I mean, I don't know what goes on at these support groups- and maybe I should at least email about it. I just don't know. I've got a lot on my plate, but I know I need to take care of myself emotionally at the same time. And I think making a personal connection, meeting up with fellow infertiles, would be good.

At the same time, I am not a social person. I don't like crowds, being around strangers, speaking in public, and I always feel like people stare at me. I was a very unsocial child, we never lived anywhere long- I was always the new kid, and also the class nerd (I got bullied a lot). I eventually gave up on making friends after we moved so much (one time we moved three times in one school year). I still don't make friends easily, I am too shy. The friends I have, well they always approached me first- so I am an introvert surrounded by extroverts. Well, my husband is a shy introvert too, and doesn't talk in public (or at doctors appointments, or around my friends... at least not until he's known them for a year) Don't even ask how two extremely introverted people hooked up, ha ha. Awkwardly- that's the best way to describe it.

I have become more social, to an extent, since starting college and getting my job at the shelter. I've become more confident, if you will. But I still tense up and fear social things. It's ridiculous, but I can't shake it. I just don't know what to say, where to look, what to do- maybe I am over-analyzing it all. But, I never had much experience. My heart catches in my chest, and I freak out in a mild panic.

Let me give an example of me in a crowded room... I was asked to be a guest poet at a book store last year, because of the literary awards I won on my campus. I went, and I read. And my voice shook, and my hand rattled... the paper I was reading from shook lightly. I got cold and clammy, and read fast to get through my two small sections of my short stories, and one poem. I was asked to read again this year, and I did much better. But man, it was still bad. Thank goodness I only read two poems this year. I want to be a writer, but a reclusive one that is mysterious and ambiguous... who doesn't do book readings and signings (at least not often!) I guess the best way to say it, is that I'd rather be in the shadows than the spot light. Which makes me feel even more self conscious, because almost everyone seems to want to be in the spotlight.

Maybe a group isn't going to be good for me. I feel like I keep making excuses though, because I also feel like it would be a good thing for me at the same time. I just don't know.

If you've gone to a support group, tell me... what did it do for you?

Hmmmmm...

Do you remember what happened last injectable cycle? After the epic fail, and subsequent baseline ultrasound?

Yeah. That totally happened again. I can't say I'm surprised.

So, I have many large cysts that need to just go away. And so, I am on a forced break. I opted for bir.th contro.l pi.lls (BCP) for now, I am hoping that it will help things along.

See, my body loves BCP- I blame the PCOS. BCP regulates my hormones (so less hair growth where there shouldn't be hair, I can lose weight easier, less pimples, less oily skin, it's nice) and it totally helps with cysts. I didn't have cysts at all while I was on BCP that I am aware of. At my ultrasound with the first miscarriage I had clear ovaries- I had just came off 4 months of BCP. I also ovulated that cycle coming off of them (on cycle day 44, but hey- I got pregnant that cycle) I always ovulate coming off of them if I've been on them long enough.

So, as annoying as this is, this could be a good thing. It's not like I would be ovulating this cycle anyway, I don't ovulate on my own- and I have cysts- it ain't happening.

Don't get me wrong- I'm still pissy. But I can't do anything about this, so I am just going to have to go with the flow for now.

We may also be getting more testing, because when my doctor ordered all that other blood work at the beginning of last cycle- most of it was in, but not all. My 17 Hydroxyprogesterone apparently came back a little higher than it should have been. So, as a precaution she would like me to go ahead and get tested for Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia if possible. She believes it will come back negative, but wants to make sure. Understandable. However, since the likelyhood of this is low given the level being barely elevated, I am going to check into my insurance coverage before agreeing to this. My insurance sucks, they are supposed to cover fertility testing but they usually weasel their ways out of it- they are sticklers for how things are coded. Bah.

(*sigh*) Yeah, we still haven't got any of the bills from last cycle. Those should start rolling in anytime now. So, we will need to deal with those this month too.

And I think I may just go ahead out and get that memorial tattoo done sometime this month too. October 22 was the EDD for my second loss. So, this month would be a good time to do that- fitting almost.

An entire month off of trying... what am I going to do with myself?

My body = My enemy

So today is exactly 14 days since my trigger shot.
It also happens to be cycle day one.

Last night, I noticed some spotting... okay, I thought, could be just normal spotting or something. I'd had a negative pregnancy test earlier in the day, so I seriously doubted it was implantation spotting. But, I went ahead and used my progesterone supplement like I was supposed to, and went to bed. And then I woke up to full red.

So, even though I was on progesterone supplements, my body just decided it was going to go ahead and just do whatever the hell it wanted to. It figures.

I gotta wait until I hear back from my doctor, and then go from there. We don't know what we're doing next cycle, if anything. Last time there were huge cysts and I had to take a forced break, I don't know if that will be the case this time or not. And why I didn't respond better to the progesterone... who freaking knows.

Hopefully I will know more by next week. For now, this weekend, I will try to relieve the tension. A Sp.ace G.host Co.ast to C.oast marathon with friends, a couple of drinks (of the alcholic variety, because I haven't had a drink since Christmas) And then I will do my homework studiously, and then... try not to crumble in a heap of tears, not just from the failure but more from how much money I just wasted. Paying out of pocket sucks. Failure sucks. My body sucks.

Cheers.

TWW symptom?

What, excessive vomiting isn't a TWW symptom? Are you sure?

Oh, ummm... don't read the rest of this post if you have a faint stomach.















I don't know if it's a stomach virus or food poisoning, but it really ruined my beauty sleep.
Have you ever woke up because you threw up on yourself?
Oh, c'mon, I'm not the only one am I?

Yeah, I said it. I didn't just wake up because I felt like vomiting... no, I woke up because I did it in my sleep.

And that set the mood for the next half hour, where I violently lost everything I ate on Friday. I mean everything. And when I say violently, well... I was screaming, while vomiting, because it just kept coming up so suddenly, and I couldn't stop it. It was like a volcano eruption.

And I have asthma, so I was starting to have an asthma attack mid spew. And it was awful because I honestly thought I was going to pass out because I couldn't breath. I mean, it kept coming so quickly that I could barely breath between it's comings and goings.

Awful. Absolutely awful.
I haven't ate anything yet, I'm actually terrified of food right now.

And I am 7 days past ovulation now, roughly.
I hope this little detour doesn't mess with things.

The long road less traveled

I've been at this for awhile now- it's been 29 months, October officially marks the 2.5 year mark. I find that the longer I travel this long dark road, the harder it gets. Not just with finding the inspiration, the courage, the strength to continue- I mean the motivation, finding bravery in the face of all this loss, failure, and fear.

See, so far I have ovulated 3, maybe 4, times. I have experienced that positive pregnancy test twice now. I have experienced that excruciating pain of pregnancy loss twice as well. I have learned that fertility treatments can make dreams come true, but for some of us they feed false hopes.

There are a great many things this journey has stolen from me, things I will always miss. I will never again look at a positive pregnancy test with a sense of joy. I will never feel excited and carefree as I tell people that I'm pregnant; I never even had that, and I never will. I will never have that naivety in pregnancy back. My first pregnancy will not be remembered with joy. I will never feel confident that I am having a baby until I have a living breathing child in my arms. Holidays are filled with dread, because I fear that someone will happily announce their good news- and I will have to hide in the bathroom because as strong as I am, I am not strong enough for that. I resent that I can't be happy for other people the way I used to be, because I feel too sorry for myself and I can't seem to get past that anymore.

Our family relationships have been forever changed- I will forever resent the way my family decided to treat me after my first miscarriage, and how hard it was on me. I will resent how my husband's family act like all this is so easy, how all of them knew about the miscarriages and that only my mother-in-law said anything, and how even she did not speak to me after the second one. I will resent their insinuations that we should adopt even though they can't begin to understand how difficult that really is- and how they seem to think that we will just let them in our lives when we have children, even though they have nothing to do with us at all as we suffer. I'm resentful because they love their grandchildren so much, and they dote on them so much at Holidays that I feel even worse, because I can't give their son a child. And because I know they didn't like me to begin with, I can't help but wonder if they hate me even more now because of this.

I'm resentful because I am so bitter. I don't want to be.

I used to be confident that I would be a good mother. The longer I walk this road, the more I doubt this. I haven't changed personally- I mean, I'm more weathered and my life situation has improved since we started- but I doubt my future parenting skills now. And it all boils down to this- the longer I have to think about what it means to be a parent, the more terrified I get.

I mean, watching my niece run around like a wild-child who doesn't understand the word "no", and getting worn out from just spending an hour with her- I have to ask myself, do I have what it takes? When I actually think about my entire life focus would shift (Well, not entirely- right now it's all focused on becoming a parent. It would just shift to being a parent.) I mean, afternoons watching television with my husband would be out, sitting on the computer and playing online as much as I do would be out, reading books and being absorbed in an art project, going out on a whim... all out. How would I handle situations that come up? What about stitches, school issues, babysitting, etc... We don't have a good extended network of family, I have to figure most things out myself. Illness, weaning, potty training, child safety proofing my house, an active toddler getting into stuff, and the horrible horrible teen years... it scares the beejeezus out of me.

But then I remind myself, it all comes in it's own due time. You adapt, you trade off. A night sitting in reading a book, becomes reading and learning time together. Working on an art project becomes arts and crafts time. Going out on whims becomes date nights, or family trips, or family nights in. Life would become different, but in a way you have (if you're like me) desired for years. You learn as you go along- most people don't have it all figured out before they become parents.

And then I stop hyperventilating.
I want to be a mother- even if it scares me now more than ever.

I wonder if most people even think about what is really involved in becoming a parent- I mean truly think about it- before they take the plunge.

I am thankful for some things on this journey- I know that I will be a better parent now, I have had plenty of time to prepare, plenty of time to be more gracious, plenty of time to acknowledge that this isn't going to be easy at all. I have longed and suffered so much in pursuit of this dream- I know it will be worth it. I now understand how much my husband truly loves me. I count my blessings, and mourn my losses, and keep walking- I have become stronger, more resilient, because of it. I've realized that my life really is wonderful, and even if it doesn't work out the way I want it too- I can still be happy.

Am I glad I have infertility?

No- but life gives us what it gives us, and we have no choice but to either work with it, or to give up. So, I keep working with it- even if each step feels like agony.

A closer look at IUI

The IUI really was the simplest part of this whole process. We dropped off our specimen first thing in the morning, and then came back an hour later.

When we returned, we got to sit in the room for about ten minutes while we waited on the doctor. After she arrived, she got the catheter and specimen ready to go, inserted the speculum and the next think I knew- she was done. Didn't feel the catheter at all. I got to lay for ten minutes, and then we left.

Afterward there was some cramping but that was manageable with my trusty acetaminophen- and it passed quickly. So, overall the IUI was pretty simple. Of course, I have to question why the thing costs so much, but everything about infertility costs a fortune- so it doesn't surprise me.

I guess my main issue with IUI for us, is that I just don't think it's neccessary. I mean, maybe it will give us an extra 1-3% chance of getting pregnant... but the sperm meeting the egg hasn't been our problem at all. Our problem is egg production, and losing babies. So, the IUI- although simple- seems wasteful. I mean, I'll be glad if it works out, and it was certainly less stressful for me than trying to have intercourse when I didn't want to (2.5 years of infertility and I'm just now finding minor issues with getting in "the mood") But I still felt it was a waste of money.

I don't know- maybe it's my psychosis with believing that everything was for nothing.

But I have to tell myself that, really, because I don't want to get my hopes up. Not right now.

I started the progesterone supplements last night. They are gross, but I'll do what I have to in order to give this cycle a fighting chance. I owe it that much, I suppose.

And we are now 2 days past ovulation. I am pretty positive I ovulated the day of my HCG trigger shot, or the day afterward. Just judging my my body's reaction, my basal body temperature, and such. I could be wrong- I mean maybe I didn't actually ovulate at all.

Who knows. I certainly don't. I'm just making wild assumptions.

And now

the wait.

We went out early, got the deed done. I must say, it was interesting to drive down the highway with a cup of my husband's sperm shoved in my bra. But, had to keep it warm... or maybe, I just felt it couldn't hurt. His numbers were "excellent", per the doctor. I believe the stats were like 79 million swimmers with 65% motility...

At least one of us has working parts.

The IUI was pretty painless, just like a pap.
Except for the mild cramping afterward- that was annoying.

Afterward I had my husband stop at the dollar tree where I purchased several cheap home pregnancy tests, which I will use to test out the trigger shot... I may be a little O.C.D. But, you know, testing it out is one of the few things I have control over.

At this point, pretty much everything is out of my hands. I have some old fashioned baby making to tackle, but other than that... it really is out of my hands. Thank goodness- I finally get to relax.

The cashier probably thinks I was a nutjob because of how many I bought, ha ha ha.

And now, since there were far more witty things to say... and they just aren't forming into coherent thoughts, probably due to sleep deprivation... I am going to take a nice Saturday afternoon nap.

Surprises-

are not always good.

Do you remember how awesome Righty was doing? Yeah?
Well, Righty surprised even the doctor today.
Righty gave up. What a slacker.
That nice 14 and 16 from just two days ago? Gone. Shrunk.
I totally didn't see that coming.

Shame on you Righty.

Now lefty- at least- decided that enough is enough.
Lefty took it upon herself to go ahead and make a 17, a 16.6, and another 16.
If you recall, just two days ago all Lefty had was a 12 and a 15.

Go Lefty.

Of course, my doctor was concerned that maybe I was getting ready to surge on my own. So, rather than allow that craziness to happen, we went ahead and triggered. (*sigh*) I would have liked them to be a mm or two bigger, but I guess I should be thankful that they're even still there at all.

So, we go ahead with the IUI tomorrow morning.
Then I start the progesterone suppositories (ick) Sunday night.
And then, everyone (except me) will just have to hope for the best.

I'm definitely not optimistic about this cycle.
I may have had an inkling of hope before (that rat bastard)-
but I think I have thoroughly squelched it out now.

And so, the wait begins.

Hope-

that dangerous, devlish, thought.

Don't let me dare breath it out-loud.
Help me repress it, please.

Things are progressing just as they should be.
I don't have my E2 for you yet, but here's what I have:
A 14 and 16 on Righty & a 12 and 15 on Lefty.

If things continue like this, I will be able to trigger by Friday.
And a possible IUI on Saturday.

I was given the option of a back-to-back IUI, but we pay out of pocket and have no known sperm issues (Not that we bothered testing, but with three ovulations resulting in two pregnancies, and this far into our journey- I'm just not that interested. I know, I know- I should, it's good to know... but I prefer not to.)

So, since I am guessing I respond quickly to the HCG, I opted for the 24hour IUI, rather than the 48 or 36hour. My doctor is okay with this, though she recommends doing two. But, I am still not sure that we will even have one. I can loosely plan on having one, but that doesn't mean we will. Many things can go wrong- follicle insubordination, inability to perform from pressure, the car could break down (I will bum a ride in this scenerio, so it's the least worriesome!)

The bottom line- I don't want to allow myself to get too hopeful. Yes, there are follicles. Yes, I may actually (for reals) ovulate this time. The pieces are falling where they should- but we all know that this could still mean nothing.

So, I'd just rather not be hopeful.
Suppress, suppress, supress...

Where we once were

Sunday my blood work got messed up- apparently there wasn't enough serum to run my estradiol level? Yeah, I don't get it either- the women took half a vial. Apparently that was half a vial too little.

So Monday, we had to get it re-done. So we went to a lab that was closer, but is still part of the lab corporation, so it should have been processed- right? No, they didn't send it out like they should have. So, I had to wait until today to finally get my E2... a nice 271.
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So, let's re-cap where we are this cycle, compared to my last injectable cycle... shall we?

This cycle I had an E2 of
34 on CD3,
then 52 by CD 6,
271 by CD10.
I also already have a 10 and an 11 maximum this cycle, per my ultrasound on Sunday.
I was upped to 225iu by CD6.

Last time I had an E2 of
34 on CD11,
then 86 by CD17,
160 by CD20,
and 296 by CD23.
I had an 11 finally on CD 20 that cycle.
I didn't get upped to 225iu until CD 23... and even then, he only thought I was on 187.5iu.

What a huge difference.
I wonder what tomorrow's ultrasound and blood work will show?
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Oh, yesterday was my husband's birthday too. So, he enjoyed getting up early on his birthday/day off work, and going with me for some needle-sticking-fun. I made up for it by letting him eat wherever he wanted for lunch, which was a mistake- a big one. I don't mind burritos every now and then, but they upset my tummy big time. I think I ate too much of it, or it had too much lime... because yesterday I was nauseous all day. I'm glad he enjoyed it though.

We actually celebrated his birthday on Friday, because my little brother was here to share it with us.

My little brother still stays with us on the weekends, he is insistent... and I am not going to argue, because I love him and enjoy our time together. I can't believe it will be his birthday in another two weeks- and he'll already be 14!

I bought my husband some computer-geek t-shirts, and made him a tacky computer cake with binary on it- see? The binary was supposed to read, "Happy Birthday" but I ran out of room.

I know, it's not very good looking- but it was delicious and unexpected. So he liked it.

I am older than my husband, by 8 months (that's almost a year!) so every year I joke with him about how he finally caught up to me- and then the cradle robbing jokes begin. See, he was two months away from his 18th birthday when we actually started dating- and I was already 18, obviously.

Oh, I know- terrible.
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I should have a cycle update tomorrow- let's hope it's a good one!