Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Nombie is still doing good. HB was 169bpm, placenta looked okay. We also got to see little arms/legs flailing, and the baby was even turning around on us. We didn't get any direct shots of the front like last time, but she did get one of the legs/feet (in the second photo).

Now for the bad news... the Clot of Destruction is still there. It's like 3x5cm. It's not actively bleeding at the minute, but it's still really big... a little bit bigger than last time even. So that sucks. I just hope it starts healing soon and leaves Nombie alone :(

Monday, May 30, 2011


My husband woke up this morning and told me he had a bad dream. I braced myself... that man has the weirdest dreams. Yesterday he had a dream involving us at a water park, and a bomb, and then later he was in a cardboard box and I think he got mugged? One time he dreamed he was in an 8-bit game riding a bear. Just the absolute weirdest stuff.

So I braced myself for something weird, and asked what it was about. "We were at a party. And you came up to me and said you just had another miscarriage."


I guess that's not so weird. He's heard me say those words often enough in real life, and with everything going on... well, even I haven't been exempt from those dreams. I feel bad though, it's one thing when it invades my subconscious, but this is the first time I've ever heard of it invading his too. I guess it just goes to show how this is affecting him too, despite his strong nonplussed exterior.

We just held each other for a minute, and then I said, "Well, let's hope that doesn't happen this time."

We go back tomorrow morning for another ultrasound... I hope very much that the baby is still okay, and that the clot is starting to dissolve.

Sunday, May 29, 2011


- I'm 10wks1day today, if Nombie is still alive. Making it to the double digits is a milestone... but I can't find any joy right now. I'm in pain, I feel like crap, and I'm scared.

- It's 90 degrees Fahrenheit outside. We don't have air conditioning, and our bedroom is upstairs... I'd go downstairs to the couch where it might be a bit cooler, but the only functional bathroom is upstairs too so that just wouldn't work for the whole strict bed rest thing.

It's really hot in here.

- I woke up today with a migraine from hell. And it doesn't seem like it wants to go anywhere. So I'm laying in the hot dark room, don't want to turn on the TV because it will make things worse, and I feel like I'm going to barf any second now. The heat isn't helping that feeling either. Awesome.

- Our families aren't very close, and they aren't really the best at helping one another out. We both come from broken homes. While I can count on my mom for some things... well, she's mentally ill, she lives in another county, she's on a limited income for disability, and I don't like to ask her. As for my husband's family, his mom's boyfriend was just in a motorcycle accident last week and he got banged up really bad (some broken bones, skull fracture, etc...). She's understandably got her hands full right now. She keeps asking if I need anything, but she's really got enough to deal with.

Besides, it's really hard for me to ask for help. Coming from broken homes, my husband and I both learned that the only person you can rely on is yourself. Since being together we've learned to rely on each other, and that's it. We have AAA because we know that if our car battery was dead, even if we called someone for a jump, well they wouldn't come... and if they did? they'd want gas money for doing it. I'm serious, this happened last Christmas. We didn't want to wait for AAA, so we called my BIL (who was 2 streets away at his house)... and had to give him money to do it. I understand that money is tight for everyone, I just think that's ridiculous... but it also wasn't unexpected either. That's just how they work. My husband and I offer to help when we can, give rides when needed, but we've never ever asked for gas money. If it's offered, we decline it. But that's not how our families work.

So I can't ask anyone to come over and help clean, or to help with meals, or anything else. I tried to ask my mom to when I had my surgeries last year, I even offered to pay her to clean my house for me since I was laid up for 3 months healing... she declined my offer. She came over once during that entire 3 months, and when she did she had a mental breakdown and I had to comfort her. My husband's family never called once to know how my surgeries went, they could have cared less. Meanwhile, my husband tended to me and waited on me, and I was reminded once again what an absolutely wonderful man he is.

So we're on our own here. But we're used to it, we can deal with it, this isn't the first time I've been laid up and my husband has had to take care of me.

- My RE tried to placate me the other day by telling me we had a 5% chance of miscarriage at this point, and that things look good despite the clot. I reminded her that we only had a 1% chance of having 3 miscarriages in a row, and we hit that effortlessly enough... statistical odds of success mean very little to me at this point. Doubly so, since I know women who did lose their pregnancies because of subchorionic hematomas. Once you've fallen into the wrong side of low odds, or known someone who has, there isn't really any comfort left in what happens to most women. Sorry.

- I'm very emotional, I keep crying when I think of the baby. I feel so bad for it, my body just keeps trying and trying to kill it... and it's so cute, and I love it so much already. I feel guilty that it's my body trying to kill it, and that my body surely killed the other ones. It's messed up, the way my body acts against everything I've ever wanted in life.

I can't handle going through this again, whether this baby makes it or not I honestly don't think I can ever go through this again. I'm scared for my own health, and I'm scared for any baby I conceive. Every time I start bleeding a lot we have to rush to the ER to make sure I'm not hemorrhaging, to make sure I don't need a blood transfusion... and that's as scary as hell to me, and for my husband. We knew there were risks, but we didn't expect all this. I've been in so much pain from cramps, I've been on bed rest pretty much the entire time, and I've been bleeding almost this entire pregnancy too... this isn't right, or normal, and it's certainly not comforting.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Again? Ugh-

Had to go to the ER again last night. I was barely spotting the past two days, just a little bit of old blood all day, then last night at like 9 I suddenly started bleeding heavy bright red again. And started filling and entire thick overnight pad within 30 minutes... for almost 2 hours. Then I got shaky... and my husband got worried about me... so we went.

Nombie is alive and well. We followed up with my RE this morning... HB was 176bpm, CRL was like 2.89cm. Nombie was wiggling and wiggling, waving it's little arms and legs around. Whew.

Bad news... the clot is now up closer to Nombie. And it's increased in size. It was like 3x3 something centimeters, and now it's like 3x4 something centimeters. And as I said... closer to Nombie. I passed a lot of clots last night, and bled bled bled. My RE did say the main part is looking better, like old blood, as if it's healing... so I'm not sure if the bit up by Nombie is a new clot or a branch off of the old part? The placenta still looks fine too.

I don't know. I am bleeding still, and my uterus feels like a combination of how it was after my uterine septum resection operation and the morning after I used Cytotec for the second miscarriage... so sort of bruised from the inside out, and lacerated to hell and back. Tylenol wasn't cutting it, so I have Vicodin now. Good thing too, because sweet word it hurts!!!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Time creeping by-

Here's Nombie from Monday, 9wks2days. Chillin', despite the nasty clot.

I really hope Nombie is still alive.

Why isn't it Tuesday yet?

I finally grew a pair and called to schedule the OB visit... I suppose I can always cancel if the worst happens... or rather, have my husband call and cancel for me. I did not like making that call though.

My PIO injection the other night left a nasty painful lump under my skin. Now it hurts all the time, and laying on that side is out of the question... unless I'm at an odd angle. Awesome.

I miss real food. My husband is "culinarily challenged". I know eating in bed, having meals brought to you, is a bit of a novelty... but it's sorely worn out it's welcome. I miss my own cooking, but I'm not going up and down and up and down the stairs for it. So... I'm dealing. But I swear, all this processed crap is going to be the death of me: it's gross, high in calories, high in sodium, and... just not healthy at all.

I sound whiny. I've practically been on bedrest this entire pregnancy though, some self imposed, some ordered by my doctor, and some recommended by my doctor. That's a really long time to not leave my house, other than to see my doctor.

Don't think I'm ungrateful that I'm still pregnant, because everyday that Nombie is still alive... words can not express how grateful I am. But this is really hard on me, physically and emotionally. Physically I'm cramping rather painfully at times, I keep bleeding off and on, I hurt from my injections (not just when we do them, but all night after too), I hurt from laying in my bed, and my diet has crashed my system. Emotionally, I try to stifle my tears every time I start cramping really bad again, it seems like it's one thing after another this pregnancy, I wonder every day if Nombie is still alive, I live in fear, I wonder how I'll ever find the strength to survive if we lose this one too, I see how our entire lives have been completely altered and yet we don't even know how this is going to end.

I'm so scared for Nombie... and I'm scared for myself. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but it's hard living your life like that.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Good and bad news-

First the good news:

Nombie is hanging in there. The placenta still looks like it's firmly attached. HB was 174bpm, and measuring alright. Nombie even twitched an arm for us during the ultrasound. So that's good.

Now the bad news:

The clot hasn't changed in size. It's good that it hasn't gotten bigger, but it's already REALLY big and it hasn't gotten any smaller at all. I'm going to stay on bed rest, and we need to follow up on Tuesday.

Obviously still at risk for miscarriage. My doctor seems cautiously optimistic that it will dissolve eventually, and feels good about the placement of the clot relative to Nombie... I can't share her cautious optimism. I've known women who have lost their pregnancies because of subchronic hematomas... so I know it's a possibility. I can hope for the best, but I don't expect anything (good or bad). I'm just going to keep doing everything I can, and keep waiting this out.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


Whenever I dream, it's almost always nightmares. The last few years, it's been like that. But not the normal kind, it's different types of nightmares about the same subject matter: the zombie apocolypse. Needless to say, I try not to watch, or play, zombie stuff before bed. But even so, the dreams still come.

Last week , I dreamed that we got a crib. And then, as soon as we assembled it, we found out we lost the baby. The dream ended with me taking the crib apart, slowly, as the lights all faded.

I'd much rather have zombie nightmares.

(**Last nights dream wasn't a nightmare though; it didn't involve babies, or zombies, or saddness at all. It was a nice dream. I was working on the set of Doctor Who, it was Christmas time (of course, since it's Doctor Who!) and I got my photo taken with Matt Smith and Tom Baker. I squealed like a school girl. And then I woke up.

It was nice to dream about something other than horror for once.**)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Time is not on my side-

I never did post the ultrasound photos from my emergency visits, so I thought I'd go ahead and post them now.

This is from the abdominal ultrasound in the emergency room. 8wks4days, and Nombie's HB was 176bpm.

This is from my visit with my RE. The ultrasound was really blurry for some reason, maybe all the blood? This was about 11 hours after the ER one.... but technically 8wks5days. Nombie's HB was 174bpm.

Time seems to be moving very slowly from here in my bed. I'm so anxious for Monday to get here. Thankfully I have a library of books, my laptop, and a gameboy, because otherwise time would be dragging sooooo much worse. I'm trying not to look at the clock very often, it'll just make it seem like time is moving even slower.

I have to keep the bed room door shut because of our bedroom cat (the one we took in that has FIV). So all my other cats keep meowing pitifully outside the door, and trying to forcefully break it down. Every time I venture to the bathroom, I end up being assaulted with kitty love. The bedroom cat, however, is happy we're in here with him... although he does seem to ignore us most of the day... I guess the window is just more entertaining.

I'm still not eating well. I love my husband, but making meals is definitely not one of his strong suits. But he's taking great care of me, he stayed home from work the last two days and he has the weekend with me too. He did great giving my progesterone in oil injections the last two nights, which was a big relief for me.

I'm still cramping a lot, and bleeding off and on. It varies from red with clots, to brown weird textured junk. I really hope the stupid SCH is dissolving, and not harming my Nombie. I really can't bear to lose this one too.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


Got an emergency visit with my RE this morning. The baby is still in there, heart beat was 174bpm. The little placenta is fine. However, I'm still bleeding a lot (and passing some material/clots). The ultrasound showed a SCH, there's a large clot near the baby. The clot is closer to the cervix than the baby is, so my RE is hoping the clot will just dissolve and trickle out... I remain skeptical.

I was concerned that with the bleeding I'm having, that my vaginal progesterone caps might not get absorbed very well. So, we're switching to PIO injections for now. Kind of nervous about that, because I can't do them myself... and my husband is... squimish when it comes to that stuff. I'm hoping he can tough it out and shoot me up though.

I'm back on bed rest. It's a good thing I took a leave of absence from work already, because otherwise I'd have to deal with it today anyway.

I'm also supposed to keep taking my Lovenox... maybe it'll help dissolve the clot? I don't know.

My RE said that there isn't anything we can do about it, which I knew already. But she did say that for some reason women who can't get pregnant, or who tend to miscarry, also tend to get them. Did I win the jackpot or what?

So definite risk for a miscarriage right now, but just going to have to wait this out.

I go back Monday morning for another scan.

Here's to hoping Nombie keeps fighting... and that my stupid Womb of Doom cuts the crap.

That would happen to me :(

After I ate dinner tonight, I noticed I was a little more crampy than normal. I felt like maybe I had peed myself a little. I stood up... and blood just gushed and gushed out of me and down my legs.

Rushed to the ER because, hello... pregnant, bleeding, and on anti-coagulants.

Where I proceeded to bleed all over their room... seriously. They evaluated me for the possible miscarriage, and to make sure I wasn't hemorrhaging.

The good news... they gave me morphine. Seriously though, my blood was okay and Nombie was still in there. It's heart was still beating. We saw and heard it on an abdominal ultrasound.

The bad news... I was bleeding a lot. I mean, it was pouring out of me. And I passed some rather large clots. So things do not look good. I am still cramping, and bleeding... the bleeding isn't as heavy at the moment... but it's still there. They couldn't find the source of it on the ultrasound... maybe because it was abdominal? I don't know, but I don't find that reassuring. That much blood, I would like to know exactly where it's coming from and why.

I have to follow up with my RE in the morning... for now we're playing a game of wait and see.... I hate that game.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Anxiety and stress-

- I'm still cramping off and on, and that makes me very nervous. I'm hoping it the "normal" pregnancy cramping, whatever that is. I've already had three miscarriages, I really couldn't tell you what "normal" is. The cramping early on this time was bad cramping (worse than your typical period cramps) accompanied by lots of blood... so obviously I worry at every twinge, cramp, sore uterus feeling.

- I'm taking a temporary leave of absence from work (I was going to quit, but my boss suggested I just go off the schedule for now and come back when I can). It just made sense for a lot of reasons. My only regret about that, is losing my extra income each month. Not only are we out that money, but my medicine to keep this pregnancy is expensive. We went from paying $20 on medication a month, to paying about $350. That's not including our co-pay for each visit with our RE. Will it be worth it? If it works, of course! It's just hard right now. I'm trying not to think about it. The guilt of not going into work when we needed the money was eating at me, but I'm just going to push that aside for now and enjoy being a couch potato.

- Determining what OB to call, or when to call, is going to be the death of me. I believe the stress from it yesterday was causing me to have weird chest palpitations (I say this because it got to the point later in the evening, that every time my phone rang I jumped and I felt the palpitations). I'm only 8wks4days... I don't want to think about this yet. I mean, yes, most "normal" women have already scheduled an appointment with their OB and it's no big deal... but it is for me. I've had three losses. I've scheduled an OB appointment before and had to cancel because of losing the pregnancy. I've only had to deal with an RE for the past... 2 or 3 years. I get good care from my RE, I know what to expect, I know that she's on board with all my treatment right now and is taking me seriously... what if I can't find an OB up to my level of care?

I mean I saw a local OB/GYN practice last year for a pap test, but that practice scared me so bad I couldn't get out of there fast enough! Seriously, they didn't know what an IUI was and she kept asking me if I was SURE that it was okay to do a pap two days after having an IUI. Then she was surprised about my uterine septum resection, since they just leave them in there no matter how severe they are (she even told me a story about a patient with a complete one... and I was absolutely horrified with this practice by the end of the story).

The local OBs scare me. I honestly don't know if I could find one here that would keep me on my meds, or that would monitor me properly on them. That's a big concern of mine right now, finding an OB who is willing to let me stay on Lovenox and the Synthroid. The OBs here just don't seem very educated... which leaves going closer to the bigger city for a better OB... and unfortunately that's an hour away.

The local hospital... well, it scares me too. Their answer to anything the slightest bit complicated, is to ship the patient off to the big city hospitals. I know a few people who delivered there with no issues, but these were "normal" women, with "normal" pregnancies, who only took prenatals the entire time. Yes, the hospital is convenient (a less than 5 minute drive) but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable there regarding the level of care I'd be receiving.

We're kind of rural, so to see a good practice or go to a good hospital, we'd have to drive all the way to a bigger city an hour away. Which, let's face it, that's a long drive. If I stay pregnant, I don't know if I'll be induced because of the Lovenox or not, what if I went into labor and had to drive an hour? In winter? What if the drive wasn't possible, and I had to go to the local hospital who didn't know my history or understand it? Just so many "if's" right now. I mean, seriously, I don't even know if I'll stay pregnant at this point... why do I have to think about this right now?!

(*sigh*) I think we're going to meet with a practice in the big city, where I think we might get better care. We'll have to talk to them about my issues, concerns, the distance, etc... and just go from there.

Still, I'm feeling very stressed about this. I don't want to leave my RE, but she can't keep me past 11 weeks. I have to be sorted with an OB by then...

if I make it to 11 weeks.

Just... really really scary, and I'm very nervous, and this is stressful... and I feel like screaming... just a little bit.

- And yes, even seeing the heartbeat, the little arm buds, I'm still scared as hell about losing this pregnancy. And I'm feeling distant from it, like it isn't real and it's going to end any time now. I feel abnormal and scarred beyond repair.

- Everyone IRL is still assuming I'm going to have this baby... I'd like to question their source of this information, because I'm apparently missing something. I personally haven't been notified that we're in the all clear yet, and I know I haven't told them we are. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I keep phrasing things to them like, "well, if I'm still pregnant," or "things look okay for now, but we're still not out of the woods," "as of Monday it was okay."

I'll have to work on my communication skills... or, you know, they could work on their listening skills.

I know, I know, they're just excited. But, to me their excitement is misplaced. If I were a normal woman, who hadn't went through three miscarriages, or 4 years trying to have a baby, it would be a different story. For a normal woman, yeah things look good and they'd probably stay good. However, I am not a normal woman. And they know this. When they act like this, it seems like they forget it though. Like they forget all the pain, and all the uncertianty, that my body is messed, that things are not the same for me and most women.

I don't know. It's just hard for me, and I'm trying to deal with it rather than approach them. I understand that they want to be excited... it's just really hard for me. Especially when we're the ones pregnant, and we're not excited... but all these other people can be so carefree with their emotions.

I suppose it's easier for them, since they didn't actually live through the horrors we did in the past 4 years... they can forget all that, because they weren't the ones in pain, screaming, sobbing uncontrollable, fighting over grief.

I don't know. Just trying to sort my thoughts. I'm a mess right now... and no one seems to even see it.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Still alive-

Nombie is still alive <3 HB 183bpm, and you can see the little head at the top, and arm buds too.

Arm buds. I never thought I'd say that.

We go back next Monday for another ultrasound.
My RE said it would be my last one with her, and that I will need to see about scheduling an OB appointment soon... :(

I had to have some prenatal blood work done today, and get some refills on meds.

As for the suggestions about getting a doppler, I have been considering it, should Nombie stay with us. I was looking at the Sonoline B 3mhz one online, but have been trying to determine when I should buy one (or if I should rent one). Honestly, it looks like renting one is about as expensive as buying the Sonoline B though. So if anyone has suggestions or opinions about dopplers, I am open to them.

Still taking it one day at a time. I'm terrified and anxious. I thought I was going to have a panic attack in the room today waiting on my RE. I was fine all week, but once we got in there... I just lost it.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Should be-

Every time I enter a new week of pregnancy, I say "I should be X weeks today. If it's still alive."

The truth is it still isn't real for me, even after hearing the heartbeat. I mean, I know I'm "pregnant" and I'm taking all these medications and doing all these things to try and ensure I stay that way. But... I don't feel like I'm pregnant. My only symptoms can be attributed to my medications. I don't have morning sickness, or any other typical symptoms. Not that symptoms really mean anything anyway. The only reason we assume I'm still pregnant, is because last Monday the ultrasound said so.

So when people ask if things are going well, I say "Well, as of last Monday it was." Because how could I know? Even if I lost it, I wouldn't miscarry right away so there is no way of knowing that I'm still pregnant. So I don't feel comfortable saying that I am. Because I can't know that. I don't have an ultrasound machine in my home that I can use everyday. As far as I'm concerned, I'm pregnant that day, the morning that the ultrasound goes well. After that, it's anyone's guess.

So, my friends. I should be 8 weeks pregnant today. If it's still alive.

In two days time, we'll see if I really am 8 weeks or not.
Until then... I'm waiting patiently and sincerely hoping that my little Nombie is still with us.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

And yet-

Everyone already believes that this pregnancy is going to make it.
Except me, my husband, and our doctor. Even she's hesitant.

We have a heartbeat; we've reached 7 and a half weeks.
And yet... that doesn't really mean anything.

My sister is visiting from across the country, so we went out to lunch with our mother today. It was nice, until they started talking about this pregnancy. And they started talking about it as if it were going to succeed, wondering if it's going to be a boy or a girl, going on about how amazing it is they start so small. It was like an ordinary conversation, and yet... I was fidgeting, hoping they'd change the subject.

But they kept talking... until my sister asked if were were going to find out the gender, and I answered "Yeah, if it's still alive."

Everyone keeps saying "this one is going to stay, I know it," "this is it," "you're going to have a baby," and yet... when we're done talking, and we say our goodbyes, I start crying.

Not because it's amazing, or this is "finally" happening... but because this can end. Because all the others ended. Because I can never share in their naitivity. Because it hurts, their joy hurts, their assumptions hurt.

People talking about pregnancy has been hard on me for a long time, who'd have thought that conversations about my own pregnancy would be so hard for me too?

I can take joy in today, sure, but I can never take joy in something that hasn't happened yet. Getting excited about finding out the gender or having an actual baby? Sorry, I can't do that. I just want to get through today.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Still hanging in there-

I'm told that Nombie is growing on target.
Heartbeat was 138bpm.
We should be 7 weeks 2 days today...

We go back next Monday for another ultrasound.
Really hoping this little one keeps growing.

Still terrified and taking it one day at a time.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Scrambled thoughts-

Three years and two days ago, I started miscarrying our first pregnancy. A flash of pain, a loss of blood, an evening lost in the ER... stuck in limbo, but having the sickening sense of already knowing what no one could say. Three years ago today, we confirmed that the hcg was dropping, and we were definitely miscarrying.

His tree grows taller every year, blossoms more, it even began to bear it's own fruit last year.

The being the tree was planted in memory of, is still nothing but a memory. He will never grow taller, he will never blossom, and he will never bear his own fruit.

And I still miss him, and remember it, even if almost everyone I know has forgotten. Even if only a few of us know just what significance that tree holds for us.

The little boy who's birthday party we missed that year, that day, because we lost our pregnancy... that boy was turning one that year. This year he turned four, and yet again we missed his party because of a pregnancy.

I can't say that I regret it. The emotions his birthday parties have stirred up in me are hard to deal with.

That first year, we lost our first pregnancy.

That second year, I was working... and couldn't bear the thought of going for emotional reasons. We had just went through the horror of our second miscarriage, and I was still mourning that one, and our first one... emotionally I was a complete wreck.

The third year, we went. We had already suffered three miscarriages at this point, and we still had no children. Last year, SIL1 came in glowing and heavily pregnant. There were screeches from FIL, StepMIL, and A-s grandmother, about how cute she was. How adorable. How exciting. How much longer. Coos and awws. I fought a barrage of tears, and we left abruptly because A- knew I was going to cry, and honestly I don't think he could handle it either.

This year, I'm pregnant again. And so is SIL2, the boy's mother. But our pregnancies are nothing alike. Hers is a given, hers is unexpected (unintentional) and carefree, full of assumptions that this baby is going to be born alive and healthy, and that's just that. The most she has to take every day is a prenatal vitamin. Her fiance and his family are all excited about it, since it's his first baby.

I could never live like that, and my pregnancy has never been a given. This one has taken 4 years now, and three losses along the way. I could go in Monday and find out there is no longer a heartbeat. I could endure any number of complications due to my body, my medications, and the unknown. Nothing is a given. I'm resting, taking pills orally, vaginally, and shooting up. I am doing everything I can, and not taking any chances. My husband is not getting excited, while the heartbeat made it more real to him, we both remain on bated breath waiting to see if the other shoe is going to drop. We are pregnant today (maybe) but that doesn't mean we will be tomorrow, and we know that all too well.

If we had went to that party last weekend, not only would we have the issue of me being on my feet... but we would have to be surrounded by that naivety. While we were waiting for our ultrasound to see if we had lost yet another one, everyone else would be going on about her pregnancy. And even if my pregnancy had been going well, I couldn't have handled that.

Everything I've been through has changed me. I'm bitter, yes. But that's not it... it's the way those comments burn in my heart, the way I know that will never be me even if we have a living child, that those feelings and experiences were stolen from us with the deaths of all our pregnancies. The way hearing someone admire another's pregnant belly only reminds me of loss. The way new babies send silent pangs to my heart and remind me of them... the ones I will never carry in my arms, but are always tucked in my heart as I go to sleep, that I coo "I miss you so much," to when my grief for them wails within me like a dying beast.

I'm pregnant now, yes. But I'm still a babylost mamma, and I'm still infertile.
Nothing will ever loosen those experiences and markings from my soul.

And already, having heard the heartbeat, many people in our lives have begun to assume we can relax now. That we're better.

Well, we're not. I'm still broken, I've still lost so much in the last 4 years. That will never change. And everything with this pregnancy is still uncertain.

I still miss my lost ones.

And I still worry everyday that this one is already dead.
And it's that thought that haunts me.

It terrifies me beyond reason.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Yet more waiting-

First of all, thank you everyone so much for the support and well wishes :) It really means a lot to have you there cheering me on, and offering support when I need it.

We're still not out of the woods yet, so please continue all the thoughts/prayers/chants/meditations you can spare. Thank you!

- I'm extremely anxious for Monday to get here. I keep worrying that the little one has stopped growing, or we won't find a heartbeat again. It's going to be extremely hard on me if that happens. I'm trying not to think about it, but I am terrified. I don't want to go through another loss. I don't want to lose this baby. Lots of emotions in all that, and I don't even know where to begin.

- I'm been having major sleep issues. I keep waking up anywhere between 3am and 7am... which is not cool, because we don't need to wake up until 8am. So then I get exhausted midday and all I want to do is take a nap. I know I shouldn't, so I fight it, and yet somehow I end up passing out accidentally. Then the nasty premature wake-up sleep pattern is reinforced. It's a vicious cycle.

- I've also had the migraine from hell today, and sore from my uncomfortable couch. My RE said normal activities should be fine, she even said I could exercise as long as I'm careful and keep my heart rate down... but, I don't feel comfortable with that right now. When I move too much I get crampy, and crampy = abdominal cramps resulting in terrified woman who is totally paranoid and begins to fear the worst upon any cramp or twinge. So I'm staying on my couch damn it. I'm nursing my migraine with acetaminophen... which isn't really helping much at all. And I'm just hoping to feel better physically. I think I might be coming down with something, my sinuses have been congested, and I'm been headachy... it could just be from the weather though. I'm hoping for the latter.

And with that, I'm going to say goodnight. I feel a strong wave of exhaustion coming on again. Serves me right, I accidentally woke up around 3am today and couldn't get back to sleep. My attempts to nap all failed... ugh.

Monday, May 2, 2011


Say Hello to Nombie <3

We have a gestational sac.

We have a fetal pole.

We have a yolk sac.

And at 6 weeks & 2 days... we even have a heartbeat @ 115bpm.

We not only saw it... we even heard it.

It was so amazing, I cried.

I can't pretend I'm not pregnant anymore.

I know we're still not out of the woods, it's still early, the heartbeat just started... so I'm not going to get excited just yet. But we've never made it to a heartbeat before, and I'm giddy despite myself. An actual heartbeat! It was so beautiful.

We go back for another ultrasound next week... really hoping this little one stays with us, and next weeks shows good growth and an even stronger heartbeat. I'm going to be so absolutely devastated if we lose it.

Sunday, May 1, 2011


Ultrasound in less than 10 hours.

I don't think most people can truly understand how very nervous and uncertain we are, I know our family and IRL friends certainly don't. My mom heard that the numbers are doubling better, and now she thinks everything is fine and the danger is over. I've explained to her that's not the case, but she doesn't understand at all. I know that doubling numbers don't mean a damn thing. It's a good sign, and I am thankful that our numbers finally normalized, but I also know that it's ultimately a false sense of security. That doesn't mean I'm not going to grasp at it anyway, but it means I am aware that in the end they mean nothing. I've had great doubling betas before, and it ended just the same. I will not fall for that again. It gives me the strength to keep fighting, because the rising betas mean that my embryo is still fighting... but it doesn't necessarily make me feel more optimistic about this pregnancy.

As soon as I tell people things are going better, they assume that everything is alright now. They've started asking if I have any symptoms, do I have morning sickness yet... no, I don't. I have a bruise covered abdomen from my injections, a sore cervix from the progesterone, occasional spotting, cramping, and lots of side effects from all my medication that I'm pumping into my body. Some of which mirror pregnancy symptoms, I mean the progesterone supplement is a hormone found in pregnancy so of course it mirrors them. But if I try to tell people that, they just don't understand. They act like I'm putting them off. And maybe in a way I am, because their optimism causes me pain. How can they act like everything is fine? It's one thing to hope, but it's something entirely different to assume.

I'm all for positive thoughts, and good vibes, prayers, chants, hope... but assumptions I'd rather not.

We've had three miscarriages... that's a really hard situation to be in, because we know beyond a doubt that the odds are not in our favor. I know that you can do everything within your power, and still fail. I know that pregnancy doesn't mean you're going to have a baby.

We lost so much with our miscarriages. And most people can't even begin to imagine how much. Even I'm still learning the absolute depths of that loss.

My husband used to be an optimist. He believed we would get pregnant and carry to term. He always tried to cheer me up, to reign my depression in. He thought the treatments would definitely work. He thought the risk of miscarriage was much lower... and it is, in a normal situation. But we're not your normal situation at all. Something broke within him after the first miscarriage, and it broke a little more after the second. After the third, all of his optimism died. He stopped believing the treatments would work, but wanted to keep trying them. He didn't believe we'd get pregnant, and even if we did... we didn't believe it would work.

Neither of us are acknowledging that I'm pregnant right now, other than the medications and the time lost from work. We're just drifting through the days, hoping that maybe it'll work out but keeping our feet grounded because we both know the risks... and given our history, we know that it very likely could happen to us again. And right now we need that disconnection from it, it's our only way of protecting ourselves.

I'll update tomorrow, whether it's good news or bad.