Friday, September 30, 2011

Another nephew

Yesterday we welcomed our 8th nephew into the world, it came at me first thing in a flurry of texts. My phone was getting blown up, apparently things were pretty touch and go for awhile. SIL2 woke up that morning bleeding profusely, when they got to the hospital they found out she had a placental abruption. She ended up losing a lot of blood, having an emergency c-section, and a couple blood transfusions. Mom and baby are fine now, but that must have been the scariest experience for her. Before this, her biggest worry had been anemia and heartburn.

Everyone is excited, and thankful for how things turned out- I'm sure everyone could do without how it began though.

We haven't went out and visited yet. I think she needs rest now, more than a ton of visitors. We might stop out today, or tomorrow, just for a few minutes... but I definitely don't want to add stress by coming out when she has so much company already.

Her birth hasn't bothered me as much as SIL1's did last year. Maybe it's because of the chaos surrounding it, or because we're pregnant now, but it stings less. That's not to say that all my grief from infertility has been absolved (trust me, it's still there)... it's just quieter right now. I still feel that familiar ache, but it's not a howling open sore like it was last year.

I think in some ways, it's manifesting itself differently. Or I just developed a new set of issues (it's hard to tell these days). The other day at work, a women came in. She asked me if I was pregnant (first time a stranger has ever asked me that). I told her I was, she asked me how far along I was. Then she told me she was pregnant too, and tried to make small talk with me. And I didn't know how to respond. It's still so uncomfortable talking about my pregnancy, about Nombie; I still can't relate to other pregnant women at all. You'd think that after trying for 4 years, that I'd be dying to gush about this. But I'm not. I don't know if it's from how long we've tried, because of all our losses along the way, because of how impermanent everything feels... but I just don't want to chat about it.

I've never had any issues talking about my infertility with people, my procedures, my surgeries, the reality of living with recurrent miscarriages... but this, my current pregnancy, I just can't speak as openly about.

We have a tour of the maternity ward Monday, another appointment and the baby shower in two weeks. We have a little less than 3 months until our estimated due date. You'd think this would be feeling more real by now, but it's not.

**ETA: SIL2 is still hanging in there, she needed 2 more blood transfusions this morning though. Hopefully she'll be feeling better soon, and get lots of rest in the meantime.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Work in progress-

We had out appointment Friday, things went well. Nombie had a good heart beat, I'm up 5lbs this month, and I took the 1 hour glucose test. I should get the results from that sometime next week... well, only if it's bad news. They won't call me if it's normal. I HATE it when doctor offices do that, because then you're sitting around all week wondering if they've even got the stupid results in yet. Eh.

Nombie very much enjoyed the glucose drink. He was just kicking away after that. Sugar really gets him going. Sometimes I have candy without thinking about it... oops. But it makes me smile.

Oh, and 27 weeks today! I go back in 3 weeks (at 30wks), which is the weekend of our shower. After that appointment, we'll go in every 2 weeks until 36 weeks (then every week). Wow. It's still very surreal.

Did I mention we're supposed to have a baby shower in 3 weeks? For our baby? I'll believe it when I see it.

Some photo progress for you, at 26 weeks and 5 days:

Ahem, I think I may be pregnant.

Below is nursery progress. The walls were already the color I wanted, but the floors needed redone and the trim needed painted. The brown is lighter than it appears in the photo, it's a coffee bean brown though. I also need to make/buy curtains, get stuff yet, etc... it's in progress though.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Competing emotions-

A few things happened Saturday. It was busy, we went out to celebrate my husband's birthday (belatedly) shopped around and then stopped at my cousins at the end of the day.

- In the car, talking with my husband, he referred to the baby by the name we've chosen for him. Then he continued telling me how he wants to further his education/career so that Nombie will be proud of him. To which I replied, "What? You don't think he'll be proud of you anyway for being you?" because I think he'd be proud of him anyway, but then A- started talking about how he apparently wants to be the cool dad? I was laughing, but it was sweet. The thing that struck me most though, was that the whole time, he was talking as if Nombie is going to come home alive. Like he was going to live, and grow up. It was very sweet, and it made me smile.

At the same time it scares me, and worries me, because what if something happens? We're obviously not quite in the same place with our security in this pregnancy, but I'll admit I'm starting to get more hopeful too... just not in the same place as him yet. Of course, later Nombie went and decided not to move much at all, AND hid from the doppler... I found his heart beat and felt him the next day, but that was tense. He keeps flip flopping, and with the anterior placenta he has to be positioned a certain way for me to feel anything at all still. I'm 26 weeks now, I was hoping it'd be more consistent by now. But no such luck (*sigh*). I can still go a day without movement. It's makes me nervous.

- My cousin gave me a TON of hand me downs. I don't think Nombie is going to need much in the way of clothes for awhile yet! She also gave me her car seat and stroller, both need cleaned up but they're in great condition. We're also getting a pack n' play (or two) from her. I feel very lucky! I barely talk to this cousin, so it was a total shock. It really made my day. I know she was super glad to be rid of the stuff too! I went through it all the other night, and sorted it.

I still feel slighted about the whole situation with SIL1 giving all her hand-me-downs to SIL2. I don't remember if I posted about that... if you remember, they're both A-s sisters. SIL1 had a baby last year, and SIL2 is pregnant with her second baby.

Well, SIL1 gave all of her old stuff to SIL2 at the shower (a bassinet, receiving blankets, activity playmat, clothes, and baby carrier)... SIL2 said that she already had 2 bassinets, and 2 carriers. So SIL1 laughed and said, "Well you know who could use them then!?" and pointed to me. Yeah, love the public announcement about how you didn't bother considering giving us your hand-me-downs... we're just an afterthought. Nice.

Honestly, if it had been me in her shoes, I'd have split it up between the two pregnant women, or got them together and asked them to figure out what they want/need. I would never have only given to one of them, especially if they were due so close together. I know, I know... I can't expect the world to act with the same rationale as me. Maybe I'm overreacting to it- it's just feels like another reminder from the in-laws about how I'm not really family to them.

But that incident made me even more grateful for the unexpected kindness from my cousin. I really didn't think I'd be getting any hand-me-downs, let alone so much. And certainly not from someone I barely talk to, and haven't seen in a couple years. When we left her house, I just smiled because of her kindness. It really helped complete my day.

Seeing it all in our house is crazy. It makes me feel a little more like we might actually have a baby this time. We have baby stuff... in our house. Not just a handful of clothes/blankets tucked away out of sight, but stuff sitting out. It's scary, but it also makes it more real. We have three months and 1 week until our due date, our shower is in less than a month now, the invites are going out this week, we're working more on the nursery and home repairs... it's crazy.

I so hope that things continue going okay with Nombie. I want him to come home with us alive and well. I'm so thankful for every day that he's still with us, and I hope every day that he'll still be there tomorrow. I hate waiting 4 weeks between appointments... I wish it was Friday already.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

25wks and progress-

Here's my belly shot from a few days ago at 25 weeks 3 days. It's getting out there a bit, but I still don't think I look very pregnant. My pre-pregnancy pants still button. I don't wear them though, because they're not anywhere near as comfortable as maternity pants. I think it's that weight loss earlier this year that makes me feel like I don't look pregnant... really, I just look like I've gained that weight back. Although in reality I've only gained about 3lbs so far. It's all in the PCOS physique- most of my fat went right to my belly (I think the term is apple shaped?) so it has always been larger. Sometimes I think I look pregnant, other times I think I just look fat. Eh.

As for the the nursery progress, I'll have photos coming later this week. But, whew... This has been quite the undertaking. The wall color is staying the same, but I'm painting the trim brown. We've still got to finish clearing my book cases out of there; the major curse of being a bibliophile is when it comes time to move all those suckers. After that we're doing the floors, and then I can start moving things in. We don't have much right now, but hopefully after I get the hand me downs my cousin recently promised, we'll have more. I have to pick up the glider my mom is giving me too (she's had it forever, but doesn't want it anymore). Sometime next month we'll get a crib and dresser... plus the baby shower is in a month now so we'll have whatever we get from that to throw in there. It's slow progress, but progress just the same.

Work is exhausting. I keep reminding myself that I'm only working until December 1st, so it's not a huge deal... but it feels like it. I have to go to work in 2 hours, and I'm already exhausted! It wasn't this hard when I wasn't pregnant, but now I just want to sleep and sleep. But we need the money, and all the other shifts require too much up and down, phones, crisis', and running back and forth... and I do not feel up to that. I'm very lucky that my boss has been so understanding, I hope she continues to bare with me on this!

Speaking of which, we scheduled a tour of the maternity ward in October. For serious... that's weird. And I signed up for a breast feeding class in November.

Which reminds me, anyone have advice/suggestions on breast pumps? Assuming all goes well, I'll be staying home for awhile, but I do plan to go back to work eventually. I'll only be working 2-3 days a week, for 8 hours each. I've read that the Me.dela PISA is one of the best, but it's expensive for something I don't think I'd be using very often. Or an I deluding myself by thinking I wouldn't use it very often? I don't even know if I'll be able to breast feed given my issues, but I want to give it a fighting chance... I don't know. Help?

As of today, it's 100 days until our EDD (12/24).
I'll be 26 weeks pregnant on Saturday... so close to the third trimester...

Coming full circle-

We've begun home repairs and room rearrangements to make room for this baby. The room that was once intended to be a nursery, might be one yet.

It strange, watching it come full circle. After we lost the first baby, I claimed the room for my own because it was easier than seeing it represent everything we lost. I slathered on the paint, piled in my things, and it felt good to fill up it's emptiness. It became my art room, my library, my office, maybe it's easier to say it was just... my room. I went there when I was angry, when I needed to cry, when my grief from our infertility and our losses was too much to bear and I needed to paint, to write, to draw, anything in an attempt to cope with things.

Three years after I took it back, it's hard to believe that it might actually serve it's original intended purpose.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

24 weeks!

Sorry, I'm a little excited today. We made it to 24 weeks. Still not out of the woods entirely, and anything can still go wrong, but it feels good to have made it this far. I hope so much my little Nombie continues to grow, thrive, and come home alive in December.

To celebrate we started looking at baby stuff. It was OVERWHELMING, and SCARY. I've been looking at stuff online, but actually going into a store was so different. I felt out of place, like I didn't belong. It didn't help that there were parents, pregnant women and kids everywhere; not to mention the complete chaos they brought with them. We bought a few cute onsies, a baby book, the boppy we ordered online came in the mail today too... it's surreal having them in my house. We'll look more and shop more in the coming months, assuming things go well, but this was a start.

And now I'm exhausted. Whew.