Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Change of plans!

Again. I know. I seem to do that a lot, don't I? Ugh. This time it's with good reason though.

We already know that we can't do a medicated cycle until October, at the soonest. We were going to try on our own this month, but we decided to skip it altogether. As a matter of fact, I went ahead and started BCPs. There are a lot of reasons for the sudden change of plans, but the biggest factor is that we were presented with an opportunity for an injectable cycle this year when we return. I have a lot more faith in injects, so I'm hoping this works out. In the meantime we're hoping to look into getting some testing done, and see if there's anything else we need to do.

Not to mention I can get things figured out and sorted since there is so much going on this summer anyway. Like my sister's visit, and my friend's wedding, our 10 year anniversary in July (7 years married), and there were so many things I was hoping to do with V. Maybe I'm trying to look at the positives to cope with how things are going, but at this point I'm just happy with whatever works.

Another issue is A's anxiety issues, which have not improved even with medication. Hopefully it's just taking longer to kick in, or he can find another medicine that works better. I'm having trouble coping with it myself. I know he can't help it, and it's hard for him, but it's also hard for me and V too. I just want this to get better, but I know it's not that simple, and that it's going to be an ongoing issue. Anyway, taking a break now may not help things, but it won't hurt. If nothing else, it gives us longer to adjust.

So, that's the plan. If you hear crickets chirping around here, that's why. I'll still post, maybe update a little about V, but there isn't going to be any attempted baby making around here until at least October. Which seems like it's forever away, but really I know it isn't. And we'll be getting in for that consult and everything over the next couple months and trying to get testing, so that will be something to post about, I'm sure.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Yup. Still negative.

This isn't a real post, just an update. Still negative, sooooo... no surprises there.

Guess I'll be buying more OPKs for next month and we'll play the "Will she ovulate, or won't she?" game. PCOS FTW!!! Except not.

I have a lot of house projects to keep me occupied, so that helps. I do my best to keep busy, it's the only way I know how to cope. Other than eating. A lot.

I won't lie and say I'm not disappointed. Even though the negative was expected, I was still hoping. Which just makes me feel like an idiot. Like, my body said, "Really? You think that you could get another pregnancy in just 4 lousy cycles. HA! As if." Everything is one big joke to my body when it comes to reproduction.

Monday, May 20, 2013


My husband hid the last pregnancy test from me.

Good man!

That's a negatve, Captain-

*sigh* Negative this morning. I know it's still early, but I feel pretty despondent. I got out for a walk, bought a consolation iced mocha, now I'm trying to chill at home. It's so hot out right now.

We aren't doing another medicated cycle right now, it's just not in the cards. I can't afford to have more testing done, because our insurance won't cover anything. *I'm going to call my clinic and ask how the SHG would be coded anyway though. Just in case it's not coded as infertility. Not holding my breath. I don't know what to do, or what's going on. I feel at a loss. We did the deed every day during the fertile period the last 4 cycles, so there's no timing issues. I took all precautions I could with the added estrogen and everything else. We had follicles, we triggered, we did progesterone, my TSH is under control... And yet, nothing is happening. I know 4 cycles is just a drop of water in the ocean, but it makes me wonder if we're missing something. If something has changed since my c-section. If something has changed on A's side of things.

I wish infertility didn't have to be so demanding. That so much didn't hinge on financing. I want to have another child, not a mansion or a fancy car, I don't feel like I'm asking for much. I know that I'm extremely fortunate to have V, that there are some women who will never get one child, and I know how close we came to that ourselves. V is our lucky fluke. Who knows if everything will ever align just right again?

I hate knowing what we need to do, and not being able to do it. I know we should re-do all our testing, but we can't afford it. I know we should have jumped right back into injects, but we can't afford that. I would move on to adoption if we could, but I've never had that kind of capital in my life. I hate feeling like I have to pay for the right to have a child. It's like I'm standing in line and someone is just passing out kids, but when my turn comes up they tell me "Okay, that'll be $3,000. And then we'll give you one ticket for the raffle, where you'll have a 25% chance of winning." Except I don't have $3,000, so all I can do is shake my head and slowly walk away.

**ETA: Called the clinic, and I'll need another consult to check on coding and what testing we should get done. The nurse said that it would be coded as diagnostic and not infertility, but that's no help when it comes to checking with my insurance. She said we'd have to get a consult and see what Dr. M says. She's out for the next two weeks though, and I'm in no hurry. We'll just wait until later this summer for the consult and testing I guess.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

The wait-

10dpo and still holding strong. Ish. I've been rather crampy this TWW, so hope keeps creepin' in.

I hate that.

Still trying to find distractions. Video games help. I probably should take some of that anxiety out on the treadmill... I've been slacking there. Big time. Not good!

We did go to the drive-in on Friday, and we enjoyed the new Star Trek. It was a pretty nice night. V was mostly well behaved for the movie, playing with his toys and snacking. I don't know if we'll try that very often this summer though, whew. He did get a little rowdy, but that's to be expected.

We went to the zoo today, but A had an episode while we were there. Between the heat and the crowds it probably wasn't the best idea with the issues he's been having.  The meds they put him on help some, but they aren't working that great. Maybe it'll take a bit longer to kick in? I don't know.

So we left early. We took V to the Dino exhibit first, which is why I wanted to go today. He enjoyed the animatronic dinosaurs. Well, until one spit water in his face. That did not go down well! Up until then, he was loving it though. He was really excited to pet the "dinosaur" one of the workers was holding. It was a puppet, just FYI (Shhh, don't tell!) He was really tickled about that though, reached right out! He smiled at the roaring ones, and just looked at me like "Mom, do you SEE this?!" He's really into Dinosaurs right now. He has a walking/roaring toy dragon that he opens the mouth of and goes "Rawr!" and kisses. Dragon. Dinosaur. Close enough for him, ha.

Anyway... hopefully tomorrow will pass quickly. I want to test then, but part of me says to hold out until Tuesday. I know I can't do that though. I have no willpower anymore. It's sad. Tomorrow it is. Hopefully evening, rather than morning. I usually have better results then.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

TWW and decisions-

Time is really dragging here. 7dpo. I plan to test on Monday, and again Thursday. Yesterday I tested to see if the trigger is still in my system, it's normally out by 8-9dpt. Seeing as to how it was only 7dpt, of course it was still positive. I knew it was too soon, but I guess part of me wanted to remember what a positive test looked like. Hahaha. Yeah. I'll check again tomorrow, it should be out by then

I'm about 98% decided that we won't be doing another medicated cycle, at least until October. The more I think about it, the more compelling to reasons to skip this next month. I'm not saying we'll TTA, but we'll go natural and see what happens. Hopefully I'll get a rebound ovulation. Financially, I think it would be a stretch. A's health and anxiety is something else to consider. And at the end of June my sister is planning to visit; I haven't seen her or her kids in 2 years. She hasn't met V yet either, so that's exciting. So, I don't want to be busy and focused on treatments. We're hoping to rent a cabin as a family and have a little get away, spend some quality time together. Which, again, free time and finances are a factor.

So, the more I think about it, the more sense it makes to skip next month. Do I want to? Not really. But I think it'll be for the best. In July I plan on going back on birth control pills to regulate things and prevent until after my friend's wedding.

Not that I haven't already said this a hundred times, but it would be really nice if this cycle worked and all this hemming and hawing was for nothing. And the EDD would by birthday. You know I looked that up. Because I'm a masochist.

Hopefully this weekend will offer some distraction. The new Star Trek movie is coming out tomorrow, and if the weather cooperates I'd like to see it at the drive-in. Oh yeah, because they're open now! I'm excited. It looks like it might rain though so that could put a damper on things. But, hopefully ONE day will be clear enough. If one of the days clears up I'm hoping to head out to the zoo too. The forecast has been pretty crappy lately. It changes day to day, but it basically says rain, rain, rain, maybe rain, maybe rain, rain... I have to check the weather doppler before I even leave the house. Arggh! Not that a little rain is bad, it just makes getting out of the house more difficult. Especially for getting out of doors and walking.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Hemming and hawing-

It's only 5dpo... right now time exists in a vacuum.

In my need for distraction, I walked to the library again and got some books. It's good exercise, and really in this town where else would I go? I got three books, in anticipation of all the rain this week. Hopefully they'll help pass the time.

I don't think we're doing another cycle next month. I mean, we'll try on our own, but I don't think we're going to use meds. Maybe we will, but without monitoring. I just keep waffling about it. We'll do it. We won't. We will. We won't.

I don't know.

A started having some health issues this past week. The doctors are doing a lot of blood work, but they think he's having panic attacks. He's been having a lot of stress at work, and I don't think fertility treatments are helping anything there either. Which is yet another reason I think we should skip the last cycle. A really wants to keep trying though, so I don't know what we're doing.

We will. We won't. We will. We won't.

Maybe we'll get lucky and this cycle will work (with a viable pregnancy). Problem solved.

I keep saying that, but I don't really believe it will happen.

C'mon Monday.

Thursday, May 9, 2013


I finally finished my Star Trek skirt. For serious. It is amazing. I'll probably never wear it out of the house (maybe to a convention or something haha). It is both poofy, and seizure inducing. It makes me happy though, and for my first patterned sewing project in 15 years, it didn't turn out half bad. I did learn that I can't sew a straight hem to save my life. I also can't sew a straight line. But we're going to pretend that both those flaws give it more character!

Yeah. That.

So, there's that.

I also walked to the library today (3 miles, woot!) and got some books. I figured I'd try a new author, I have a hard time breaking out of my Sci-Fi favorites. It was nice to get some fresh air, out of the house, and hey... can't go wrong with the library and being surrounded by glorious books! It's too bad that the little guy gets cranky the moment I step in there. He wants to run around and touch all the things, so I push him down the aisle in his stroller and he's all "I'm king of the world!" groping madly at the shelves. Ah, I love this kid.

I'm not jogging today. So, fail there. The bruise on my belly is really bad, and I did not want to deal with that. I did walk today, and almost burned as many calories as I would have jogging, so it's all good. Sort of. Hopefully I can get my jog in tomorrow or Saturday.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to just relax and chill at home. Overall. This weekend we have to get Mother's Day squared away... I still don't know what I'm doing for my mom. Something. I still have a love/hate relationship with Mother's Day, but I'm looking forward to it more this year. I'm eating somewhere nice, and that's all I care about. Ha. There's a reason my weight loss has stalled...

Re-reading through this post... yeah, I don't seem like a complete and utter dork at all.
Not. in. the. least. Sci-fi/fantasy obsessed much? Me? Nooooo.

Oh yeah, our cat had his surgery today. He lost 7 teeth, but got to keep 4. Yeah, that's all he had. He's already acting like he feels a million times better, so that's fantastic! They gave him an antiseptic scrub after removing them, but he's also on another round of antibiotics as a precaution (because of his condition). They gave us a slight discount, so it was cheaper than it should have been, but at the same time it costs more than estimated because of how much work he needed done. But he's mending... so that's what matters.

I still don't know if we're going to do another cycle of treatment though. I think it would cut our finances closer than I'd like. A really wants to move forward with a final cycle, should this one fail... but I just don't know. Right now I'm sort of taking a "wait and see" approach. Ugh. It would be really nice if this cycle would work.

Just saying.

Injections- 1 Me- 0

I never do my HCG subcutaneously. It doesn't make sense, doing it intramuscularly isn't a big deal. Well, I did it SC yesterday. And it very soon became apparent that I am not allowing them to call it in like that again. If there is an again.There is now a huge bruise/welt on my belly. It hurts to the touch.

Not cool.

Well played innocent looking tiny little needle. Well played.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013


So, the monitoring appointment went well. I had a 25 on the right, and a 21 and 17 hanging out on the left. Not too shabby! My lining was only 7.5mm though, despite the estrogen. I think my dose was really low though, so that's something I'll be bringing up to Dr. M later. Still, it was thicker than last cycle- so it's something.

We triggered today subcutaneously, which we normally do intramuscular... not sure how I feel about that. Yeah the jab isn't going to leave me as sore, but I know intramuscular absorbs better. They said that's how they order it when you plan to do it at home... not sure why, but something I may bring up next cycle (assuming there's a next cycle). That's the first time I've had to give myself a shot in two years. It felt... weird.

A isn't feeling well, so that has my hopes pretty low this go around. Not impossible, but on the one cycle we did IUI and he was ill, his count was abysmal. Like he normally had 40-90mil for our IUIs, and only had 8mil that cycle. Maybe his illness won't affect his count, I mean you never really know (especially since we aren't doing IUI, so literally in the dark here) but I'm not going to be overly optimistic either. Trying to stay grounded!

So, the two week wait begins. I'll probably ovulate tomorrow or the next day, but I'll be checking with temps to be sure. Then progesterone, and more waiting.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Rounding down-

I just got my HCG trigger in the mail, needle and all. I really hope I'll need it, because right now I'm not feeling it. I mean, my ovaries are usually popping by now with Clomid and I don't feel anything. That doesn't necessarily mean anything, but let's just say I'm short on optimism. But when am I not? We'll see how things go tomorrow though. If there's no follicles... well, we'll deal with that when we get there. If I'd kept my original appointment I would have went in today for a scan... but it's probably better that I rescheduled. I hope.

The cat has been doing better, but also not. He stopped eating again for about a day, but then started again. His surgery is scheduled for Thursday, assuming he passes the blood work. If his liver function is impaired, they'll recommend against surgery and probably recommend euthanasia. We're hoping the antibiotics have done their job well enough though, but we'll have to wait until surgery day to know for sure.

V has been grumpy lately. He's teething again (finally), so I'm sure that's not helping. We're up to 7 teeth, with one cutting right now. All incisors (primary and bilateral). We also started transitioning him to his own room... yeah, he's 16 months now and I still haven't gotten him out of our room. Winter is cold and drafty in our house, he still doesn't sleep through the night well, and I like making excuses. I suck at tough love. There, I said it. I'm terrible. It breaks my heart and I just want to make it all better, I mean he's crying because he wants to be near me. How sweet and sad is that? I feel like a terrible mom. It's weird not having him in the room with us, it's disorienting. I'm sure it's worse for him. He screamed for 8 minutes last night before passing out, and I hope it gets easier as we go on. Those 8 minutes felt like so much longer! He woke back up at 9am (normal time is 10-11) and came to bed with me for awhile for cuddles... it's progress though.

My diet has been completely off track. Ugh. I'm having a lot of trouble staying in my calories, and I know why- thanks infertility. Between the medications and the head space, I'm really struggling to maintain. I'm not even working towards losing right now! I just want to maintain... and so far, I've regained 5lbs, give or take. I'm trying to be more mindful, and to cut out sweets, but it's hard. I went months without a cookie or piece of cake before, but here I am craving something sweet every single day now. And that's not good. Arrggghhh. I can do this. I know I can. The last couple days I went a little above my calorie needs, but not too much higher, so hopefully that's a start (or re-boot?).

I really hope tomorrow goes well.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013


It's really beautiful out today. And hot. Happy May Day! I do believe it's spring. V and I took a 3 mile walk around town. I tried to take him to the park down the street, but the only thing he can do there is swing... and the infant swing has been removed, because it was broken. No idea if that's coming back either. Eh, it was nice to get out of the house and I needed the exercise. So it was all good.

The cat is finally eating and mending. Huzzah! It took some salmon flavored (had to be salmon, picky as hell even at death's door) wet cat food and a few days of antibiotics, but I think he's pulling through. Now I just need to schedule his surgery and get that underway.

I rescheduled my monitoring ultrasound for CD12, which is next Wednesday. It'll be with the RE I didn't much care for, but it's just one check (I think I can manage). Really hoping I manage to respond again, and the Estradiol helps with the lining issues.

I'm still fuming about the insurance crap and trying to figure out budget and what the rest of the year will hold for us. If we don't get pregnant, obviously we'll be saving everything we can towards injectables. (I know, I know- I sound so optimistic about this cycle and the next!) With the dose I needed previously it'll be about one month's wages for one cycle, so we're planning with that in mind. Hopefully we'll be able to skate by with a lower dose though. I responded really well last inject cycle (almost too well) because of the ovarian drilling or who knows what, so being a lower weight and still post-OD and everything, who knows? I'm still going to budget with my worst response in mind. I can always hope for better.