Saturday, October 10, 2009

Ineffectual

Mir.riam-We.bster tells me that 'ineffectual' means "not producing the proper or intended effect" See also, "Futile"

Yeah. That's how I feel about fertility treatments right now.

Two and a half years. I've done 7 rounds of Clomid, and two rounds of injectables. All this over the course of 16 months... I've only ovulated 3-4 times during that time. I got pregnant once during treatments, and I miscarried promptly (Well, the baby stopped growing promptly. I had to wait 3 weeks to finally miscarry.)

You do the math- but no matter how you look at it, my treatments have been ineffectual. I mean, my ovaries can't even seem to perform a basic task. My uterus, don't get me started about that... two miscarriages, really?

But, I digress... where was I?

Oh, yeah- ineffectuality. I went into fertility treatments hopeful, worried but mildly hopeful. Well, I thought I may need bigger guns than the majority- and I did- but I was still tentatively hopeful that one day the fertility treatments would bring me my heart's desire.

I was naive- or stupid- depending on how you want to look at it. I thought fertility treatments worked. Well, I thought they did for most people.

And I was naive- or stupid- enough to believe that lightening couldn't strike twice; I had some small semblance of faith that the treatments would work eventually. I mean, seriously, infertility and having the treatments not work? How could something so messed up happen?

But, it did. Lightening does strike twice. I have had to face the fact that infertility hit me hard- and now, to also face the facts that the treatments just aren't working. I hate wasting all that time, all that money, all that emotioanlly energy, on something that just isn't working- and yet we keep doing it. It makes me feel like I'm delusional at times, and I ask myself why I bother.

I don't ovulate; I was 21 when my ovaries went on strike. I will be 25 in three months. Look at all that time, that immense struggle, all that I've been through, and yet... and yet... I still fear throwing in the towel. I fear letting it go, because for so long it has been the only thing I clung to- my last shred of non-existent hope. I thought, 'the treatments will work'- 'one more cycle'- 'one more try'... but, how I want to let go. I think that, one day soon, I will. And I will cry, and I will scream, and I will finally be free of these shackles, and I will fly again- I will be able to smile again with all my soul, instead of with just half of it.
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I have two weeks and two days left of birth control pills to take. Almost one whole week down- it's been a long week, and I've been tossing and turning internally. I can't shut off this part of me that always thinks about infertility and what we're going to do about it- but I have been trying to think about it less, and trying so hard to just be in the moment. It's hard, after spending so long in one mindset to try and shift about to another.

I'm not trying to get pregnant right now- yet even when I'm not trying I am trying. I am contemplating, prepping, preparing, my pills are to reduce my cysts and normalize my hormones, I keep taking my Metformin with hope that my body will be ready next month, I take my aspirin, I research adoption, we save money for procedures and hopes- when I took a break after a miscarriage it was to let my body heal, one for my physical health, two for my mental and emotional well being, and finally to be ready to try again. Alway, always, with the hope of moving foward- of realizing our dream.

I wonder what it's like to not think about it, to actually take a break without ulterior motives. I know we used to live like that, at one point... but I can't recall it. I went to college for the sake of my future children, saved money for the sake of my future children, I became a better person for the sake of my future children- they're not here, yet almost everything I've ever done has been for them.

Yet... they're still not here.

Sometimes I think that I need to learn to live for myself before I will find them. But, as a child, I did have to live for myself- it was so hard. No one else was there for me, just myself and everything I ever wanted. I had no hand to guide me, no one to look out for me, no one cared if I came home at night or not. But I wanted to love, and be loved, and to care for others. And I did, from my little brother, to my husband, to my small animal army. I need to love, I need to nurture- it's an integral part of me. I spent the first half of my life finding a reason to live, a reason to not give up- and now, I spend my life trying to fullfill that reason.

I wonder what it will be like, finally having that reason in my arms...

13 comments:

Sweet Georgia said...

It doesn't seem fair that some of us have to try so hard, while for others it's so easy. There is nothing I can say or do that will make this easier for you. Just know that you're not alone, we're out here cheering each other on. I hope one day you'll know exactly how great it is to have that reason in your arms.

Michelle said...

You are definitely not alone. For me lightening struck 4 times and I have been ineffectual for 9 years. Hang in there. Sending hugs!

MK said...

Oh do I know all too well how you feel. The need to love and nurture is almost PAINFUL when you can't love and nurture your own child.
So sorry, Steph.

MrsSpock said...

That time hoping, trying, and waiting was one of the most painful in my life.

Part of the joy of reaching the other side is in being released from that torturous suspense of wondering if it will ever come to fruition.

Kristin said...

Oh hon...I just ache for you. It's not frakking fair that someone who would be such a wonderful mom is trying so hard and is seemingly getting no where. I hop you get to hold that reason in your arms soon.

Penny said...

You are not "ineffectual" in the least. If anything, I'd say you were pretty hampered by finances, which has routed you toward less effective options.

I hope that, moving forward, you can find that break that helps you finally.

You've been on one long tough road.

Bluebird said...

I'm sorry honey. I understand why you feel that way.

Stephanie said...

I feel the same way you do. I feel like I am putting so much weight into finally becoming a mom- something I have wanted for SO long- and now I feel like it consumes every part of who I am. I am prepared to be on this road for a lot longer, but each time it doesn't work I feel like the person that I am supposed to be is moving further and further away from me. I will keep you in my prayers.

Kansas said...

I can identify so much with your post, as I'm sure many can. Sometimes it just all feels so consuming, doesn't it?

Jess said...

I"m here from the blog roundup.

(Your profile pic looks SOOO familiar. But I don't think you read my blog? Maybe someone else's that we share!)

I don't have anything great to say. I was seeing an RE by the time I was 21...and am now 25, so I can relate to the "alone" feeling that comes with young infertility. We were Unknown dx. Spent 2004-2007 ttc...clomid, IUI, IUI/med, IVF, FET, and IVF again did the trick. Along with adoption. And I can tell you...I don't know when you'll stop thinking of it. I haven't.

But I can say that even if it's not effective most of the time, the trying is worth it...if only for having taken those leaps so that you know you tried. I really believe that. We spent abt 100k oop for IF and adoption and I'm glad we did, even though only about 35k of that was in the stuff that GOT us our children. How could we have known a better path? What woudl we have done differnt? Nothing. So it's part of it, and in the end,you'll have reached the end and you'll look back with pride because you'll have your child no matter how it comes to you and you'll know that dangit, YOU didn't STOP.

It's something to be proud of, perseverance.

Alexicographer said...

Here from LFCA.

It is phenomenally frustrating that the treatments available are so ineffective ... which they are ... and so inaccessible. I'm sorry those realities are leaving you feeling ineffectual because really the problem is them, not you.

I hope the treatments improve, and I hope you achieve the family you dream of.

dreamsofquiet said...

This line: "yet even when I'm not trying I am trying."

Yes. This.

Somehow, I was trying all those months we were "on a break." I didn't truly stop trying until I left my husband (who turned out to be an abusive jerk). And I am finally learning to live for myself, but the question is always there, somewhere in the back of my mind, "Will it ever happen? Will it ever be my turn?"

I hope you get that reason in your arms really, really soon. I hope that it all starts to feel effectual. Showers of peace to you.

Parenthood For Me said...

"yet even when I'm not trying I am trying" I can so relate to this. I too thought that all I needed was a little help and that treatments would work. Bad choices of healthcare cut our chances of having a successful IVF. I would prob do one more cycle if i had the money. But like you it is so hard to justify the cost. I am so sorry that your dreams are not fulfilled right now. My experience of actually taking a break from the drugs and the doctors, even though it was really hard b/c all I wanted to do was get pregnant, was the best I could do. I took back my body and my life. I was still thinking about IF but I was also living my life.