Monday, January 31, 2011


My birthday was pretty darn good this year.
See the amazing birthday cake as proof ;)
It's the Tardis. From Doctor Who.


I've was so anxious about the cake, wondering what on earth my husband had in store for me. It was a wonderful surprise! He really spoils me, which reminds me...

I also got my tattoo done. Which is still healing. And is really sore. But totally worth it. Excellent birthday present.

The colors represent my lost babies. The green for my loss in May, the blue for my loss in March, the yellow for my loss in November. The center is red to represent me. All intertwined and connected, parts of me. It's perfect.

I had a good time hanging out with my friends on Saturday. Dinner was awesome, it was good to get out of the house too. And of course, then there was Rockband and a movie.

On my birthday I rounded up my husband and little brother, and I had them come with me to help a friend move. She needed the help, and I was more than glad to do it. Of course, now I'm really sore... but I'm just going to consider it my work out for the week. It's all good.

All in all, it was a nice diversion. I did have a little bit of a break down on Sunday after all the hoopla was done with, but it was just a little one. I think most people know how birthdays can be good and bad- for me it's thinking too much about how much time has passed, and what happened a few years ago, and where we are. I think being utterly exhausted from the weekend didn't help. I get so emotional when I'm tired.

But, it was a GREAT birthday. I am so grateful for my wonderful friends and my lovely husband <3

Friday, January 28, 2011

This and that-

I have a busy birthday weekend ahead of me. Hopefully getting my memorial tattoo today, and picking up my little brother for the weekend. Then dining out tomorrow and hanging with some friends. Then on my birthday, Sunday, I'll be going over to help a friend move into her new apartment.

Yikes! I'll try to post photos next week.

My BBT has been up for the past two days, not sure yet if I ovulated or not. I might have on CD32 cycle, and I might have on CD31 this cycle. Not holding my breath, trying not to get excited, but I would love to start a new cycle on my own again. Just saying. Here's to hoping.

Rocky Road to Motherhood gave me an award :) Thanks!

Here are the rules for the acceptance of the award:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

We all know I'm terrible about giving these out, so I don't know if I'll make it to 15.

Seven things about myself...

1. When I get a new music album, I listen to it exclusively for almost a week. Until I know the songs, get familiar with them, the lyrics, and decide which ones I like the most. I think this drives my husband batty.

2. I am a geek (wait, you already knew that right?) I love Star Trek, Star Wars, Doctor Who, Harry Potter, Monty Python, anime... and I love gaming. Give me an RPG and I'll be gone for hours. Or days.

3. I collect fairies, angels, stars/suns/moons, trees- and now birds too. I really like bringing the outdoors indoors.

4. I kill almost every plant I'm given. I have two house plants now, and I think that's just because I can get by with watering them just once a month. Oh, and because I made sure the cats can't eat them. Ha.

5. Some of the best days of my life are when I get together with my husband and my friends and we geek out. I'm talking, Rockband and watching videos Mystery Science Theater style. Although sometimes we go out for picnics, and that's great fun too!

6. When I was younger I had my ears pierced. For some reason I thought putting new ear rings in would hurt, like my piercing did, so I wouldn't let them put new ones in when they took the old ones out. I think one of my older siblings told me it would hurt, haha. It was pretty traumatic, my sister pinned me down and tried to put one in. I remember screaming and my mom telling her to quit. So, my holes closed up and I didn't have my ears pierced anymore. I got my tongue pierced before I got my ears redone.

7. One of my cats taught herself to play fetch with me. I have never taught an animal to play fetch, I tried with my dog but all she ever did was catch the ball and drop it on the floor in front of her. Hahaha. And then here comes this self assured cat, and she teaches ME to play fetch with HER. I think that's hilarious. And ridiculously adorable <3

Now, an attempt at 15 blogger right? Oh boy, here we go!
Also, I don't really mind if they don't respond, repost, or have already gotten this once, etc... I just want to send some bloggy love. Some of them have been on my reader for awhile, and some are new to the list, but they all deserve this.

1. Dragon Dreamer's Lair
2. A Little Blog About the Big Infertility
3. Breeder Beware
4. From IF to When
5. Parenthood for Me
6. Semi-Fertile
7. So it goes
8. The Road Less Travelled
9. the road less traveled (not a typo, these are two different blogs)
10. Do I have to be a D.I.N.K?
11. For we are bound by symmetry
12. Journey to the center of the Uterus
13. Life in the Last Frontier
14. Negative Nell Flips
15. The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow

Well, I made it to 15. With that, I am out of time and off for the weekend.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

cricket chirping-

Nothing on the ovulation front... big surprise there, eh?

And my primary care doctor never called me back about my Vitamin D dose, so I guess they'll be getting a call from me tomorrow.

I've been getting really sad off and on, thinking about my pregnancy/loss at this time two years ago. I really have a lot of emotions with that one that I haven't fully dealt with yet. I feel like no one wants to hear about it anymore, that I'm beating a dead horse here, that I'm being ridiculous. But it was really hard on me, I dealt with it as best I could, and it wasn't enough. I feel like screaming about it still, screaming about what exactly I went through, what I saw, what I felt, what I lost.

But no one wants to hear it.

So I stopped talking about it. Sometimes I feel like I should just stop talking about all of this, because it's all old news to everyone and no one cares... some of them never did.

I'm trying to heal, to make peace with all this, but it's so hard.

Monday, January 24, 2011


I am so very sad for Wiseguy, if you haven't stopped by her blog please do.

Also, if you want to get in on a project hosted by Kristin at DragonDreamer's Lair in respect to Wiseguy and Lola, please stop by her blog too. She's really wanting a quick turnaround for this, so please stop over soon if you're going to.

My weight went down like 5lbs when I switched my Metformin, but due to general vegging out (I'm blaming the month long cold I had, although I could just be making excuses) anyway, I gained some back. I should probably go back to the whole being active thing and such... I am feeling a lot better, although my seasonal congestion seems chronic. But the fever, and all that other coughing and mucousy goobley-gook is done with.

I finished my prescription Vitamin D regimen. If you don't recall I tested low again, despite being on 1,000iu D3 a day. So we went back to the 8 week treatment of 100,000iu a week. I had my levels retested Friday, and should get the results back Monday. The nurse told me to wait for instructions from the doctor about my dose, because I assumed that if 1,000iu D3 wasn't enough I should probably up it to 2,000iu. No, the nurse said to wait for the test results. Doesn't make sense to me, obviously the 1,000iu wasn't enough. My levels dove down to 23. With just 400iu a day I was dangerously low at 15. So if 1,000iu is only keeping them in the twenties... ahem, but what do I know. Pfft.

My left ovary has been sore. I don't know what's going on, I don't think I've ovulated or anything. Maybe something's happening, maybe it's a cyst; I don't know. If it's still bothering me after my birthday I will call my RE... I'm planning on calling for a consult anyway. I'm just postponing until after my birthday, which is next weekend.

Speaking of my birthday... I'm hoping to have a few friends over, and my little brother. Going out to a buffet to eat, and just enjoy the moment. Life is short, and I'm getting older. I know I'm still a "young 'un" since I'm only turning twenty-six... but after everything I've been through growing up, then the 4 years of infertility, all the surgeries, the miscarriages... I sure don't feel like a "young 'un."

Twenty-six. Wow.

I told my husband that one of my issues with twenty-six is that I'll be closer to thirty than twenty. And he said, "You'll always be closer to thirty, you've already been twenty. You can't go back." Haha, thanks honey. I like how he puts things into perspective for me, he's amazing.

My birthday's a reminder, that I'm getting older and still childless. That another year has passed since we made that decision. I am four years older. It's a reminder that once, two years ago now, I conceived on my birthday. But, it's also a reminder that I survived another year. That I'm still here, and that is truly something to be celebrated and to be thankful for. And that's absolutely what I intend to do.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

So terribly heartbroken-

Please send Wise Guy some love and support, her daughter Lola has passed on.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Her three aunts-

Sometimes I worry about the future for my brother's daughter. Infertility and loss run thick in the females around her, and I'm not just talking my history either. My brother is a half brother, he has a different father. He has me, another half sister that we share a mother with (my sister), and another half sister he shares a father with (my "step-sister").

Did I lose you yet?

I know, my family is very complicated. But, to go ahead and complicate it even further for you...

You have me with my recurrent miscarriages, PCOS, infertility, Uterine Septum, and clotting disorder (whew, that's a mouthful isn't it?).

Then you have my step-sister with her PCOS, infertility, and Uterine Septum.

Then you have my sister with her clotting disorder, which is directly related to her stillborn daughter.

A lot of crap for so many aunts to have went through, don't you think?

It just seems like a horrible hand for one family. I know that down the road, when my niece is older, I should talk to her mother about the signs of PCOS so she'll at least be aware of that. That's not in question; the future itself is. I ask myself, will she end up like us? Or will things be easier for her? Sometimes I send a silent little request to the cosmos that this little girl doesn't have to endure the horror her three aunts have. It's just something I wonder about, worry about.

If I had carried my genetic children to term, I'm sure I'd be wondering the same things. Wondering if I doomed them too. But I didn't, so I don't.

This little girl is here, and I do worry about her. I just want her to be happy, to not suffer what all of us have suffered, you know? There's so much time until she's at that point, and she may never even have issues, but there is always that possibility lurking.

It just boggles my mind to think about this incredible bad luck, three aunts with such heart break. What are the odds?

Monday, January 17, 2011

New Year, new plans-

We've postponed doing anything reproduction-wise until next year. Yes, you read that, an entire year free from the shackles of infertility. We won't be preventing, unless I break down and decide I'd rather be on birth control pills to keep my PCOS in check (which I very well may), but for now... not preventing. We'll see if I manage to ovulate on my own again (highly doubtful, but time will tell).

We decided that this year will be for us, to take risks, to take trips, to see what's out there. My husband has become increasingly unhappy at his job, and his job has become increasingly unstable, which caused more stress for him. So since we've stopped treatments, I've given him the green light to see what else is out there. He'd been hanging onto his current job for the health insurance and pay, but I think it's time to take a risk. I'm also beginning to put feelers out for a job, I'm ready to branch out from my current position. It's scary. I haven't applied anywhere for over two years because I've been complacent to just stay here, but I need something better, more hours, better pay. So I'm going to see what's out there too.

Fingers crossed that we don't both just fall on our faces.

I'm also planning several trips within the state for the spring/summer. We'll be going to our only National Park in Cuhoyoga, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Hocking Hills, and who knows where else. Plans are still being made, nothing solidified yet. I'm excited about these plans, and I am hoping very much that they don't fall through.

It's liberating that we're going to open ourselves up to so much possibility, but it's scary too. We've spent so long living with these limitations- when we can go somewhere, what we can afford to do, what risks we can take- that I forgot how exciting life can be. I mean, the last few years we've mostly expected failure, with just a little adventure mixed in. But now, it's all an adventure on untraveled roads.

And I'm so nervous.

I wish I knew what was going to happen next... let's just hope for the best, shall we?

Friday, January 7, 2011


After you put so much money, so much time, and so much heart into something... and then still fail... you don't have much left to give. Yes, there is a newfound freedom in the possibility of other options. Yes, that's even liberating, exciting, inspiring. But, it's not always enough if you're running on empty, or you're haunted by the terror you just escaped.

That is to say, the world after infertility treatments is weary. I still want to be a parent, yes. But we spent longer than a lot of people do, losing again and again. We gave everything we had financially, physically, emotionally; our privacy was invaded, our bodies, our desires. I spent so long losing everything, that I'm terrified to risk what ground I've recently regained to do it again. I've already been down one very long hard road, and now I am faced with another. It's like I'm on an endless mountain, the climb in relentless.

I'm pressing forward, but I'm not pressing as hard as I could. I'm not looking for a new job with as much enthusiasm as I could. I'm not pushing every penny back like I could be doing.

I just spent so long feeling like I was in a corner, fighting with everything I had at my disposal, that now that I'm free... well, it's hard to imagine going back. We spent years giving infertility every penny we had. We spent years giving everything we had. And if we were to turn around and start right now, save our money, start struggling anew... just the thought of it makes me feel like I'm back in that corner. Our of options, money, time, and heart.

I'm enjoying our time of, well, not doing anything. It feels good to just sit at home and play video games. It's nice to just worry about our work schedules for once, and not what day it is or if we need to do this or that, or what cycle day it is. We can spend money without worrying if we'll need it for an IUI or medication or ultrasounds. We're not in a corner anymore.

Or at least, it feels that way.

Meanwhile, we're not saving money. We're not making the progress we would like to make towards embryo adoption.

We're just piddling around.

And while that is what my heart and soul need right now, it's not what I need in the long run. And I realize that I am holding back, not just because I need the time to heal, but because I'm scared. I am absolutely terrified of fighting another losing battle, or giving something else everything.

It's hard to express how it feels, to have fought for so very long, and lost. I never fought this hard against anything my entire life. Three years of my life I spent in the stirrups of infertility, fighting against the odds. Not to mention the time before and after fertility treatments when we weren't preventing. Yet still, we lost. It was a battle I simply could not win with the resources available- my body, our locality, our finances, our lack of fertility medical insurance, our "luck".

Not everyone gets the expected "happy ending" when they pursue fertility treatments. It's a little known secret to the general public, it would seem, but so well known to us suffering. While I have hope that a different happy ending awaits me, I struggle with finding the courage to start working towards our new goal. I spent 4 years of my life trying to get one simple little thing to work; pregnancy. And I failed. How much longer will I have to wait, and how much more will I have to give? That question has been weighing on my heavily. I know we're going to press forward (and we want to, really we do) but right now I'm not in any hurry. I wish I was, but I can't bring myself to it.

Which works out, I suppose, since we need the time to save money for embryo adoption anyway.

So I still feel like we're where we need to be, but I'm realizing some things about myself and our life. Which is good. It's been awhile since I touched base with myself anyway, I mean on a deeper level. If that even makes any sense, ha.

I'd probably be able to do that a bit more if I could pull myself away from the video games....