Saturday, December 31, 2011

So much to take in-

***Umm... forewarning, this post may be disjointed; I had to save it and come back several times. There's just so much going on around here.***

I totally didn't even realize that today was New Years Eve. How did this happen? This year has been trying, things haven't been easy, but it sure ended on such a wonderful note.

We came home yesterday, against recommendations. They wanted to keep us one more day, but I honestly just could not do it. I could write a novel about how horrible my hospital experience was, site specific instances, and I might when I complain about it to them... but right now, I don't have the energy. Let me just say my stay was nothing like they told me it would be when we took the maternity tour several months ago. Nothing at all. I had two nurses that were awesome, and my stay might have been a lot better if I'd had them the entire time... but unfortunately, my stints with them were far too brief.

So we came home, and it was time to feed V- again. We immediately had frustrations trying to do so. He took the breast, but he took it too aggressively and it hurt badly because he wasn't latching properly. I tried pumping and nothing came out. Finally between exhaustion, frustration, and physically feeling like crap I gave him another bottle of formula. And I don't regret it at all. After that, we all got a solid 3 hours of sleep for the first time since he was born. When we woke up, we were ready to tackle things fresh... still exhausted, but we are on our way to recovering from the sleep deprivation. I realize full well that sleeping with a baby isn't going to be like before, but it's going to be a hell of a lot better than the every hour interruption from the hospital staff! And so far, it's been heaven.

Sleeping for longer has done us all a lot of good. I feel more up to the challenge of feeding him, V- feels more up to the challenge of my low supply, and A- just feels better. We were having a lot of issues with breastfeeding, especially since my milk hadn't came in yet. V- would wake up aggressively hungry, and he'd take the breast with an overenthusiastic passion- hurting me a lot. Then he'd get frustrated; either because he wasn't getting as much milk as he wanted, or because I had to keep fixing his latch because in his enthusiasm he'd latch improperly. I really just couldn't take it anymore, he broke open both my nipples and my milk still hadn't came in. We supplemented a little bit of formula for one feeding during the night so that we could all be ready for the next day.

I'm hoping we won't have to tonight though. I woke up this morning and I'm starting to get engorged. I've been using warm compresses on my chest, then pumping, giving him what I pump, then offering him the breasts after that. It's helped him to take the breasts, rather than attack them. Once my supply comes in better, and my nipples hurt less, we'll try skipping pumping beforehand and see how he does for straight breast- but for now, this works for us. We're making progress. Yesterday I was only able to pump about 5-10ml from both breasts combined, but today I got 20-50ml from them combined. Not bad at all! V- is much more content now. Hopefully things will keep progressing; maybe in the next day or two we can do just breast and no expressed breast milk beforehand. If not, I'll just have to try pumping exclusively. I'm just going to worry about one thing at a time though- for now, we're working on pumping/healing.

He really is amazing. I can not get over that. It still doesn't feel real that he was inside me. I look at my deflating belly, and I look at him, and it just seems impossible. I keep thinking we're going to wake up, and find out that it's all been a dream. I tried imagining what this would be like so many times, but I never could have imagined just how perfect he would be. I watch him sleeping, and I can not get over how utterly perfect he is... I'm sure I've said it before, but I am so in love with him. When we have cuddle time, I just hold him on my chest until he's fast asleep, breathing him in and rubbing his soft hair. I wouldn't ever put him back in the bassinet if I could get away with it.

Physically, I am beat. I'm so tired that I almost pass out when I'm sitting up, standing, in the middle of doing something, and especially when pumping. My back hurts really bad; whether that's from the epidural, back labor, or being restricted on my activities... who knows. My incision area is sore and getting up/down hurts so bad. Thank goodness for pain medication! Which doesn't always do a lot of good, but it's at least taking the edge off things. Recovering from the c-section is going to be rough, it already is. It makes taking care of the baby that much more complicated, because it's so hard to get up when he cries, to feed him, to change him even... every little movement is hard. I'm hoping that in the coming days I'll start to feel a lot better. As of right now, I'm taking the highest dose of my pain killers allowed- and I guess we'll keep taking it day by day.

I guess I should wrap this up, V- is fussing again! If I save it and come back again, it may end up as a novel instead of a blog post; so I'm calling it a night.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year. May 2012 bring you happiness!

Friday, December 30, 2011


For those that asked- he was 8lbs 13oz and 19.75in long. Soooo... he was pretty big.

We named him it means, "conquering" or "victorious". We'd picked it out all the way back during our NT scan, since no matter what happened he deserved a name. It was a strong name... a hopeful name.

We're still working on breastfeeding. His latch is improving a lot, and I'm getting more milk out. Obviously not a copious amount since my milk hasn't "came in" yet... but enough for him to get a fill of it, I guess. We are supplementing when he gets really hungry... it doesn't seem to hurt our progress much, he still prefers the breast, roots towards me obsessively, and makes really grossed out faces when we give him formula. (eta: we are working with lactation consultants, running everything by them and taking their advice)

I'll be glad when we leave the hospital. They keep interrupting our bonding/breastfeeding time to take the baby for a check, or to check my vitals... or housekeeping knocks, the food service people, the photography people, you name it they'll show up just when I'm in the middle of something. Just tonight for instance, new nurse taking over came with old nurse so she could brief her on everyone's situation... comes in while I'm trying to breastfeed. New nurse then comes in while we're having skin on skin bonding time, V- had fallen asleep on me... I was loving it, and instead of putting him back in the crib I let him stay there... yeah, she needed to check my surgical site and take the baby to be weighed. Seriously? You can't do that at another time? Really. making. me. angry. This hospital is supposed to be very pro-breastfeeding, and I'm finding it to be not at all as advertised.

And I've got to go now, V- just woke up :) How I love him, even when he's wailing. His cry is so cute.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

What a day-

I'm still very exhausted, but since I have some time alone while my beautiful baby boy gets his physical, I thought I'd try to start the story of us. It's a crazy whirlwind, and it took us all by surprise.

At 7am Tuesday morning I woke up because I had to use the bathroom. Nothing new there, especially being 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant! However, I noticed that when I stood up I was still leaking like a faulty faucet. Not a gush, nothing major, just a couple drops here and there. I couldn't figure out if I was wetting myself or leaking amniotic fluid, so I decided to try using the bathroom again. I still had urine left, so I was still confused... so, feeling icky I took a shower. I was still leaking. Still puzzled over what was literally just a couple drops every so often, I put on a pad and crawled back in bed.

I instantly started having what I thought were strong braxton hicks contractions. After three very close in time, I decided to get up. They got more intense, and I quickly began to think they were contractions. So, I started timing them. Sure enough, they were getting stronger and stronger, and only 4 minutes apart. Within 10 minutes, they were 3 minutes apart and a hell of a lot stronger. By 7:40ish, they were 3 minutes apart, super painful, and I was starting to think I really was leaking amniotic fluid. Given how quickly things were happening, I woke up my husband and told him that I thought I might be in labor. By 8am, they were 2 minutes apart.

I was still doubtful, because my OB has told me I would have plenty of time to discern if it was labor or not, and getting to strong contractions 4 minutes apart would take hours... not one hour like I had experienced. But I was in a hell of a lot of pain, it felt just like when I used Cytotec to induce my second miscarriage. We called the oncall doctor, but since the hospital was an hour away we went ahead and left.

The drive there was hard. I kept having strong contractions in the car, which brought difficult back pain with them and intense vaginal pressure. I would be fine, and then I'd be squirming and panting really bad. I'm sure that was an interesting for all the other drivers we passed.

When we got to the hospital they took their sweet time in triage. I don't believe they were taking me seriously at all, I was only 2cm and 100% effaced. Then they checked me to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid. Which I was. And so they had no choice but to keep us.

So I labored from 7am until like 5pm with no pain medication. My contractions were so intense, and so close together, but I wasn't really dilating. They could see him in the birth canal, he was molding, but I just was not dilating. They thought it was possibly a contraction strength issue, so they switched me to internal monitors to check contraction strength and the baby's heart beat. My contractions were 2 minutes apart, but irregular- some lead right into the next one without a break. Also, the strength was literally off the charts. Definitely not a contraction issue.

The nurses/residents/doctor's kept acting like this was crazy, how it's like I was on Pitocin- then baby's heart beat started decelling really bad during the contractions and when I moved. They said if I was on Pitocin they would have stopped it because of how crazy the contractions were, but since my contractions were just naturally insane they really couldn't do anything. I was toughing it out so well, until the contractions started leading into another without a break. So I got an epidural, and the contractions did not lessen one bit... yet hours later, I was still not progressing. I was at 3cm for hours, then 4cm for hours, and then 5cm. No progress, and his heart decelerations were getting increasingly worse.

Finally, we all decided it would be in his and my best interest to proceed with a c-section. At 6:30 we agreed, at 6:56pm he was born :) No regrets.

We're trying to breastfeed, but having some issues. I saw a lactation consultant today, and we'll see them everyday until we're released. So we're working on it. We're adjusting to things, trying to manage my pain, and beginning to heal. How things went down took us all by surprise, but he's here now and I am so in love <3

Preview- will post details later!

Nombie finally arrived on 12/27/11, at 6:56pm! The day before my induction, of course. I am EXHAUSTED, so I won't post the details right now... maybe when I get a chance tomorrow. For now, enjoy my little cutie :)

Sunday, December 25, 2011

The holiday-

I got several texts first thing this morning that basically said, "Merry Christmas! Did you have the baby yet?" Oh joy, hahaha!

No. I have not had the baby yet. I wish! Officially one day past due, but I'm not stressing it too much. I would just really like him to get here before our scheduled induction is all. Whew.

So, even though the baby isn't here we still got him presents. Just one each, for the other to open. My husband bought the CUTEST stuffed owl- I love it! It matches the nursery, and it's just adorable! I bought a onsie for him to open, it says "Level 1 Human"- ha! Awesomeness.

We got the cats canned cat food, and the dogs the same, as we do every year. We can't buy the dogs treats because the veterinarian told us not to anymore (they're senior and have sensitive bellies), but the cats got some of those too. We don't buy the dogs toys or anything because they don't play with toys either... they really just lay around and sleep these days (they are like 13 and 15). I would normally buy the cats some kind of toy, or a new scratching post, but we didn't this year. Which was just as well, they had fun with the wrapping paper anyway:

Cats are an awful lot like children. Who cares about toys when you have a box full of noisy paper?

Now, I'm going to have a relaxing day at home. I am exhausted and just generally sore. Hope everyone has a good day today :)

Saturday, December 24, 2011

40 weeks!

Since we already finished our holiday rounds, we're planning on a quiet weekend at home. We do have gifts to exchange, and we each bought one present for the baby that we thought the other one would like, for the other one to open. I can't wait to see what my husband got; I'm so curious. He also bought me some mystery present, and for the first time in awhile I am completely clueless about what he got me. I'm sure he's probably already figured out what I got him... but he swears he hasn't. We'll see! The present for him to open for the baby, and his own, are both VERY geektastic. I hope he likes them.

Of course, we're still waiting on our big present! I can't believe today is our estimated due date. He's still baking, but hopefully not for much longer. I am very happy to have made it this far though, and Nombie keeps reminding me that he's alive and well with little squirms... thank goodness. He's definitely running out of room in there- all the more reason for him to come out already! He does have quiet days though, and it scares the crap out of me when that happens.

Anyway, so the wait continues. I'm not really expecting anything to happen this weekend, but it would really be nice. I am so ready for this baby. I know people keep saying, "Oh just you wait, right now you have it easy." And making comments about how it's so much easier to take care of a baby in the womb, and how I should enjoy things now... I have news for them, because seriously, I've been waiting over 4 years for this... I am done "enjoying" the "calm" life without a baby. Fah. I just want to hold this baby in my arms, and I want to hear him cry; I want to kiss him and tell him how much I love him. I'm aware that it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but I have news for the people saying these things to me... life without children is NOT all sunshine and rainbows either.

In a completely unrelated rant- my mother and mother-in-law have gotten upset that they won't be in the room with me when I give birth. Okay, first of all, why would you assume I'd let you in there anyway? I'm going to be exposed and naked, and besides... this is a serious medical undertaking, not some circus side show exhibit. Second of all, my hospital's policy says that only my birth partner can be in there (and I'm very happy with this policy!). Also, when I'm in pain I like to be left alone- people ANNOY and STRESS me out. After my surgeries, I only wanted my husband with me. After my miscarriages, the same damn thing. And lastly, after everything I've been through to conceive this child, as alone as I've been with my miscarriages and the complications with this pregnancy, you better believe the only person who's going to support me during labor is the only person who's truly supported me through all of this- my husband! And seriously, after how involved our conception was- with all the doctors, the surgeries, the IUIs, the ultrasounds, bleeding, and injections- I personally think it's only right that the person who's seen it all with me, be the only one to see it all through to the end. My husband and I struggled so hard for this with little to no support- and no matter what happens, we're going to get through this the same way we always have: holding hands, just the two of us, together.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Still waiting...

Nombie is still baking. Today's appointment wasn't the most inspiring. I'm sitting at 1 centimeter dilated, and this time she said I was 50% effaced. Yeah, last time she said 80%... which is right? Who knows. Our estimated due date is in 3 days, and I'm still not feeling contractions or anything. Things feel very... stagnated.

You know, for how hard my body tried to get rid of the pregnancy in the beginning, it sure isn't trying to do anything now. It's quite the reversal.

One good thing did come out of our appointment: we have an end in sight. If he isn't here by 12/28, then we're going to start the induction process. So that means, at the latest, we only have one week left. 12/28 will put us at 40w+4d, which makes me happy; not too late, but not too early. Right now, 1cm and everything, conditions aren't favorable for an induction. She told me to be prepared in case it takes awhile, and of course it could end up as a c-section. Both scenarios I'm fine with, I just want the baby to be okay.

I know inductions aren't ideal, and we still hope that my body decides to get things moving on it's own, but in the event it doesn't... I want to do what I think is best for the baby. And for me, not waiting too long is important. I feel very relieved having a plan now, just in case.

Oh, and I gained 5lbs in the last week :/ I blame the holiday baking. I mean, I had to taste everything to make sure it was right.

I probably didn't need to taste test so much of it though. Yum.

Monday, December 19, 2011


All I did was wear myself out. Hahaha. I knew it.

My back is hurting less. It's in the same spot where I have issues with my spinal inflammation on the lower spine. I'm used to it... but it sucks. Hopefully it'll correct itself soon... until then, trying not to make it more angry.

We got all the holiday baking done, and I passed out all the holiday goodies. I've almost got all the presents distributed for the nieces/nephews, so that's a weight off my shoulders. When we went to FIL's, he wasn't home. But his wife was, step-MIL... who had to sneak in a comment about how FIL ended up with only grandsons so far, and how her niece is pregnant with a girl... okay then, insert awkward pause where we ignored her comment, and then she changed the subject (see past comments from step-MIL here).

Everyone kept saying how I must be so done with everything, and ready to have the baby since when they were at the end of their pregnancy they were so done with it themselves... and yes, I am ready to meet this baby, but not for the same reasons they were. I didn't explain to them about my sister or anything, I just kind of avoided the subject and said "Yeah, we're ready. We just don't want him to go overdue." And of course, without a proper explanation, they assume that it's for the same reasons that most people don't want to go overdue. Which isn't an invalid reason, but for me there is just so much more to it than that. I didn't bother explaining though, because I know that they wouldn't truly understand even if I had. They don't understand anything about our situation... for example, I've had to explain the need for blood thinners to my MIL several times, but she was still worried about the blood thinners hurting the baby... you know, after I told her about my sister, my losses, and how the blood thinners have possibly saved Nombie's life. My side of the family, there's no question of understanding it; my sister is scared about my OB letting me go too long, my mom is nervous... we know what can happen, and not one of us wants me to go overdue.

My mouth still hurts from my cavity filling. Ugh. It was a lot more extensive than my normal fillings, so I know that's why... but it hurts. I think it might be a little less sore today, but not anywhere near being 100% better yet. So that's frustrating.

39w+2d today... 5 more days until our EDD.

I hope Nombie comes soon. I go back Wednesday to see my OB, and I'm getting ready to put up one hell of a fight about a possible induction date... but I'd rather not have to, just the same. The longer I go, the more stressed out I'm getting about this though.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Oh dear-

So, tomorrow is 39 weeks. Eek.

Yesterday, I thought it would be a great idea to hit the superstore up to finish shopping for our nieces/nephews, plus we needed baking supplies for goodie boxes, and some groceries too.

Yeah, that probably wasn't my brightest idea.

I have issues with my back, I think mostly because I have fairly bad scoliosis and partly from some other undiagnosed reason (long story, but I have some issues with spinal nerve inflammation). So I went shopping, and now my back is acting up really bad. I've taken Ty.len.ol, soaked in the tub, and I'm just trying to take it easy... but man, it HURTS.

Also, fighting your way through holiday shoppers while 9 months pregnant? Hahaha. What was I thinking? Oh, I remember, I figured, "Hey, it's Thursday night and going this weekend would be STUPID. So I'll just get it done today, there should be less shoppers..." and maybe there were, but honestly that didn't make a huge difference, because there was still A LOT of them out in force.

Also, I wish that stupid store had more places throughout where I could have sat down to take a quick break from standing. OMG, seriously. There was the shoe department, but it was out of the way and I was not going to fight my way through people to sit down for a minute. I just wanted to get the shopping over with!

Okay, so maybe I was trying to tempt the universe a little. I was like, "Hey, this baby needs to come out. So if I make plans and such, the universe is bound to mock me and make me go into labor. Plus all that walking can't hurt progression, right?"

So I went shopping, I went to the dentist this morning to get my cavity filled, then I made plans to bake goodies tonight, I decided to do holiday rounds tomorrow since we don't know if we can go them next weekend, and... yeah. I think all I'm going to do is wear myself out!

I did get all 10 nieces/nephews presents taken care of though. And I have stuff for baking goodies... I really want to make fudge... yum. Also, my tooth will hopefully not hurt so much now; I actually probably saved it, the cavity was really deep and I lost pretty much the entire corner of that tooth. Ugh. Soooo, I have accomplished something at least.

I really wish my mouth was less numb right now... I really want to eat lunch. Yes, that was totally random.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Ow ow ow ow-

My tooth hurts. Like so much, that it hurt going to bed, then I dreamed that my tooth hurt. And when I woke up... you guessed it, the stupid thing still hurt. Looks like I need to go back to the dentist. Ugh.

In other news, I had an appointment today with my OB. I'm 38 weeks + 4 days today... and Nombie seems perfectly content to just chill out in my uterus. There was some small progress: I'm now somewhere between a fingertip and a centimeter dilated, and about 80% effaced. So I guess that's something?

We talked more about the possibility of induction, should I go overdue. My OB was talking about starting induction on January 1st, if I haven't delivered by then. Which would mean I'd have the baby around January 2nd.

I'm not cool with this for several reasons.

For starters, the serious: I DO NOT want to go over 41 weeks! January 2nd would be 41 weeks + 2 days. I know that it's just a couple days past 41 weeks, but I don't even want to go to 41 weeks. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... going overdue SCARES me. My sister lost her baby between 41 weeks and 42 weeks, and I KNOW I'm on blood thinners, while she wasn't... but that does not reassure my fears. It still scares the bejeezus out of me, and I just DO NOT want to worry about that. I just want this baby out alive and well. He's alive today, but there are no guarantees for tomorrows... I just feel like the longer we wait, the more risk for disaster.

Secondly, the frivolous: my insurance deductible starts over on January 1st... (*sigh*) My co-pay is already ridiculously high, but if I have to meet my deducible all over again? It's going to be outrageous. In the grand scheme of things, I could live with that though. I just want a healthy baby... but it would be hard, since we're still trying to recover financially from my bed rest and all these medical expenses (plus, now I'm unemployed so that won't help things). I realize how frivolous this is, and I remind myself of this all the time. So, while this would suck... I know that it would be okay. Money is just money... it'd be hard, but we'd survive.

Lastly, the less serious but possibly somewhat frivolous: My OB keeps scaring me by talking about how Nombie might be a very BIG baby, based on my growth ultrasound at 34wks as well as my fundal height. I know that is not an exact science, but she keeps talking about how he's going to be large, and how he could get stuck, and they need to know he's big in case they try to vacuum assist getting him out, and so on and so on... and I'm like, holy crap, the longer he stays in, the bigger he could get. Which means more risks and such... another reason to be scared about going overdue I guess.

She did mention the possibility of inducing on the 25th, and I'd have him on the 26th; but she's not keen on that idea at all, since I'd only be a couple days overdue. I like that plan much better. She, however, sites that the longer we wait the more chance my body could go on it's own. Also, the longer we wait, the more favorable conditions would be for an induction anyway. I can see her point... but seriously... I just want the baby out, alive and well. I don't care about how he gets here, I just want him to live.

We both hope all this talk is for nothing, and he comes on his own very soon. I feel very discouraged though; I just feel like he's not going to come out in a timely manner. I know that's not logical, but that's what I feel.

So, please send some labor progression vibes my way if you could. I'm going to give my body a pep talk, and then do some deep cleaning around the house... if I find the energy. I'm pretty exhausted lately, so anything more intense than the dishes seems to have taken the back burner on my priority list this week. But I will find the motivation to vacuum, I swear I will...

Friday, December 9, 2011

Another week-

We has our 38 week appointment today. Fundal height was still measuring a few weeks ahead, still not much progress. She did say I was like a finger tip dilated now, but basically no change at all. The internal caused some bleeding and cramping, so that's uncomfortable. Nombie wasn't moving much yesterday or today, so she sent me for a non-stress test. He wasn't moving much, so they startled him awake with a loud buzzer thing, which made him JUMP. After that he moved some more for the test, and then proceeded to get violent hiccups. All checked out okay in the end though, so that was good.

I'm really starting to think this baby is not coming until his EDD or later... I keep telling him he can come a few days early, or you know, a week... but I don't think he's listening. I am just so anxious to get him out here alive and well.

Due to scheduling conflicts I go back on Wednesday, instead of Friday, for my 39 week appointment. Hoping for more progress by then.

I haven't posted about this yet, but I got some bad news the other day. If you remember, my step sister was matched with a birth mother. I was so excited for her. The birth mother was due mid-November, went a bit overdue... well in the end, after delivery, the birth mother decided to parent the child after all. I am just devastated for my step sister. Right around Thanksgiving on top of everything. She has a wonderful attitude about it, but she's still heart broken and my thoughts are with her. I'm letting her decide when/if she can talk to me, because right now she doesn't want to talk about it and I know me being pregnant may be hard for her. But, it's so difficult to see her struggle so much, to get the nursery ready, how excited they were, and now they're back to waiting... I know that there is a baby out there for them, and it's just a matter of time, but I also know that's of little consequence when you're hurting like that. It's just so unfair.

Another friend of mine online lost a child a few months ago. Their daughter was born at 24 weeks, and lived for 3 days. This was their second loss due to preterm labor. They asked people to do a good deed this year in their children's memory, then send them a Christmas card about it, so that on Christmas morning they can open those cards so it will bring them a little joy this holiday. I think it's a wonderful idea, and I can only hope it brings them some comfort.

So many more women I know are struggling with loss anniversaries, another year with empty arms, watching family and friend's lives go on while it feels like theirs is on standstill.

The holidays are hard for so many people, and I know I've had my hardships over the years. I've had 4 winter seasons of sorrow, between infertility and my miscarriages... this season I am so grateful to be where I am. I know that things could still take a turn for the worse, but at this moment things are wonderful. For that, I am thankful. Even so, I don't forget, not for one moment, the struggle that so many are facing this holiday season. My thoughts are with so many, and I can only wish them the strength to get through this. Be kind to yourselves, no matter where you are or what you're going through.

Friday, December 2, 2011

36 weeks +6 days

So, tomorrow is 37 weeks! Very awesome.

I had my weekly appointment today, and the baby's heart rate was good. He was very active too. I'm still not dilated at all, although she did say that it seemed "softer"... but not much progress there, regardless. My fundal height is already measuring 39 weeks now, so still about 2 weeks ahead. I didn't gain any weight at my last appointment, and at this one I'd actually lost a pound. So staying steady there now, which is weird considering how much it sky rocketed the last couple months. But that's good, just the same. Holding at around 20lbs total gain at this point.

I'm also starting to get worried about going overdue. I just have a lot of anxiety about it, that a lot of people just don't understand. It's not about "being done with being pregnant" or anything like that; I worry every day that he stays in me could be his last. I worry about losing my baby, like my sister lost my niece. I know my clotting disorder is being treated now, and hers wasn't at the time... but the fear is there, all the same. The closer we get to the estimated due date, the more I hope he comes just a little early. It's one thing to know the odds, and another to have someone be in those odds or to go through the trauma firsthand. I thought my niece was coming home, and then she didn't... I mean, she was past due, it seemed like such a done deal. I know Nombie is alive today... but what about tomorrow? I don't expect a lot of people to understand, and I know it's a bit irrational, but I can't help it... this is the reality I know.

I am hopeful that he will come home alive though. I am making preparations, putting the final touches on things, and savoring the moment. This month is going to be hard, waiting to see what happens. I'm so glad I'm done with work, so I can just focus on getting through this. I mean, it's not just the worry about going overdue... there's also the worry about labor itself, the weather, when exactly he's going to come... I'm just generally anxious.

I've been working on cleaning the house up and trying to get things ready. Busying myself. I still have quite a bit to do... (*cough-like the car seat installation/inspection-cough*). I keep telling my husband we need to get on that, but we are slacking. Hopefully we'll get to it this coming week? It feels like we still have forever, even though in reality he should be here this month... there are only 3 weeks left until our estimated due date.

As promised, I thought I'd share some nursery in progress photographs. I suck at posting them with text on Blogger... so this may be a mess. Sorry! Also, the shots/angles aren't very good since the room is small/awkward. The first one is the dresser and such, I have a DYI maternity photo of myself and A- on it, as well as three cardinals I bought... I had to represent the babies we lost too. There's a metal tree on it, with picture frames for a family tree. I bought that a long time ago for when we had kids... before infertility. It's sat hidden away for so long.

The photos on the wall I found online and printed off of some old vintage birds. I had some old frames around the house, so we just spray painted them to match the room. I did put a quote on the far left one, it says, " 'Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.' - Winston Churchill."

The second photo is the crib... with stuff in it that won't stay in there when the baby sleeps in it, but I thought was cute for now. I already had all those C.are Be.ars. One of them is even from when I was a baby. The bassinets aren't staying in there, one is going in our bedroom and the other downstairs in our living room- I'm just keeping them in the nursery until we need them. So just picture the room without all that chaos.

The final photo is the glider and changing table. As I said, the room is small/awkward, so that's the best I could do to get that wall. The glider was refurbished; we sanded it down and spray painted it brown. The changing table came from my cousin. I'm also storing our holiday shopping in there, so ignore that mess too (I feel like I'm saying that a lot!).

We got a lot of stuff as hand me downs, bought used, or were given to use and refurbished. I think we only bought a couple of things new, like the dresser and the crib. Which helped out so much, given the financial situation that our SCH had sent us into. I'm very happy with how everything has came together too. After I pidddle around in there setting things up, I like to sit in the rocker and just look at it all. It makes me happy.

Plus, I sort of have to sit down because doing the simplest things make me tired and sore these days haha.

Oh, and a belly/tree shot :)

When I see this one, I just keep thinking, "I'm averting my eyes, oh lord!" hahaha. Thanks Mo.nty P.ython.