Wednesday, December 9, 2009

what day is it-

I finished my course work for the quarter- whew. Not sure how I did though, and waiting on one more grade to know if I graduate this quarter or not. Which is kind of nerve wracking since my final essay, a large research paper, comprises almost half of my grade. And I am really not sure how I did, no clue at all. *ETA* I passed, yay!

I've kind of lost track of the days in the meantime. I don't know what cycle day I am, for the first time in I don't know how long- years. I think I may be around cycle day 15 perhaps? I don't know. Not even temping, though I did take my temperature this morning to confirm I have not ovulated- but it wasn't very conclusive. I took it an hour later than my old time, and it was a little high. Which, I doubt it was ovulation because I never ovulate. But I guess you never know. I wouldn't hold my breath on that one. I'm debating about taking another temp tomorrow morning to double check what's going on, that way I can get my bearings before starting the prometrium. No idea when exactly I want to start that. Still waiting, no big hurry.

I'm really not in a hurry for anything. Just kinda piddling around now that I have time. I've been out of school since yesterday and I already devoured one book, and am on my way to consuming another. It's nice to be able to leisure read. So nice. I wonder how much more time I'll have for this before things change again.

One of the tires on my car has a slow leak, I just bought that thing not too many months ago- at least it feels that way. The weather has turned cold and uninviting. Winds, rains, scattered snow that doesn't stick. I hate the cold. The beauty of the weather, at times I love. The cold... the ice and dangerous roads... I could do without. The constant gray sky, the lack of color, can become quite disheartening.

Last year we couldn't bear to put the tree up. We were so down. That year we had been battling infertility for a year already, and had our first loss. We couldn't bear decorating and pretending to be happy. This year, we're been fighting so long and so hard. We've had two losses in one year.

But this year I had to put the tree up. I had to try and find what joy I could. It's been such a long hard year, and I just needed to find some happiness, to at least try to find it. I am glad I did. The tree is so beautiful, we put it together with the help of my little brother. He was so excited about it. We had so much fun putting it up and decorating it. And of course, we are going all out this year buying presents for the kids in the family. Why not? No treatments, no kids, we're splurging. We spent double what we normally spend on my little brother, and he is going to be so surprised. I can not wait to see the look on his face. We told him we wouldn't buy him the thing he wanted because it was too expensive. But we caved and bought it for him anyway. He has no clue.

My moods been lifting, and I don't mind the break now. I am enjoying it. I think my decision to skip the birth control was right on as well. I don't think taking a pill everyday would have helped my mood at all, having to count down to a new cycle. No thanks. I am thankful I skipped it. I don't have a clue what's going on with my body, and I don't care. For the first time, in so long, I don't care.

I'd forgotten what that felt like.


McChillin said...

Hi, I just stumbled upon your blog and have been wanting to sit down and read because I can tell you have been through some of the same things I have. I feel so alone going through all of this, but somehow it makes me feel a tiny bit better knowing that I'm not the only one. I am 26 and had my first miscarriage at 12 weeks this past spring. I was so excited to find out I was pregnant again at the beginning of November, but I've gone for 2 ultrasounds now and they still didn't see a heartbeat, and everything seemed much smaller than it should be based on my dates. I go back tomorrow to find out for sure, and my doctor told me to prepare for the worst. I am having such a hard time just making it through the day. I am a school counselor and it's so hard to put my problems aside and try to solve everyone else's. I can't please everyone, and normally that fact doesn't bother me too much but one slightly rude email from a teacher today had me in tears. Last time I went through this I was working in a much less stressful job, had just gotten back from a two week vacation in Europe, and worked with a small group of very supportive women. It was also summertime and it was hard to stay down as the weather was warming up and getting nicer. Now it's pretty easy to get down and stay there. I feel like I got hit by a car, and just as I was getting up again another one smacked me. Now I just want to lie there, but I have too many responsibilities to just give up so I have to force myself to go through the motions. Ugh!!!!!!! I just want to get tomorrow over with so I will know for sure. I don't have any hope that it will work out. And for some reason I can't talk about it to anyone. Not even my husband. We cried all our tears out and talked about it all night after my last U/S but I can't seem to bring it up again, and I get the impression it isn't weighing on him quite as heavily as it weighs on me. I feel like all I want to do is just crawl into a hole and not come out. I have been avoiding everyone I know, especially those who knew I was pregnant. I wish I hadn't told anyone. Well, I hope your day goes better than mine. Reading your blog has definitely helped me, and given me a chance to vent a little.

Michelle said...

I am glad to hear that you are feeling better. Good for you on putting up the tree. I haven't done that in many years. I hope that you get good grades. I am sure you will. enjoy your break. It might be exactly what you need. ((HUGS))

Kristin said...

I'm so very glad you are feeling a bit better. Do we get to see pics of your beautiful tree?

Penny said...

It's a great feeling, and though I'm in a different place then you, I'm looking forward to the day that I don't even think about not thinking about it, and I like to hear how other people have loosened the iron grip.

I'm glad you have a tree, too.

CeCe said...

I am glad that you are feeling better and are giving yourself a break- you deserve it.

birdsandsquirrels said...

Yay for finishing your coursework and graduating! You have worked so hard for this, and you deserve it!
It is nice to have time for pleasure reading, isn't it?
I'm glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better. Good for you for putting up the tree and decorating with your little brother.

Amaprincess said...

Hi! Just found your blog! I hope that you both have a very Merry Christmas! Hubby and I are focusing more on the holidays this year too...than TTC!