I finished my course work for the quarter- whew. Not sure how I did though, and waiting on one more grade to know if I graduate this quarter or not. Which is kind of nerve wracking since my final essay, a large research paper, comprises almost half of my grade. And I am really not sure how I did, no clue at all. *ETA* I passed, yay!
I've kind of lost track of the days in the meantime. I don't know what cycle day I am, for the first time in I don't know how long- years. I think I may be around cycle day 15 perhaps? I don't know. Not even temping, though I did take my temperature this morning to confirm I have not ovulated- but it wasn't very conclusive. I took it an hour later than my old time, and it was a little high. Which, I doubt it was ovulation because I never ovulate. But I guess you never know. I wouldn't hold my breath on that one. I'm debating about taking another temp tomorrow morning to double check what's going on, that way I can get my bearings before starting the prometrium. No idea when exactly I want to start that. Still waiting, no big hurry.
I'm really not in a hurry for anything. Just kinda piddling around now that I have time. I've been out of school since yesterday and I already devoured one book, and am on my way to consuming another. It's nice to be able to leisure read. So nice. I wonder how much more time I'll have for this before things change again.
One of the tires on my car has a slow leak, I just bought that thing not too many months ago- at least it feels that way. The weather has turned cold and uninviting. Winds, rains, scattered snow that doesn't stick. I hate the cold. The beauty of the weather, at times I love. The cold... the ice and dangerous roads... I could do without. The constant gray sky, the lack of color, can become quite disheartening.
Last year we couldn't bear to put the tree up. We were so down. That year we had been battling infertility for a year already, and had our first loss. We couldn't bear decorating and pretending to be happy. This year, we're been fighting so long and so hard. We've had two losses in one year.
But this year I had to put the tree up. I had to try and find what joy I could. It's been such a long hard year, and I just needed to find some happiness, to at least try to find it. I am glad I did. The tree is so beautiful, we put it together with the help of my little brother. He was so excited about it. We had so much fun putting it up and decorating it. And of course, we are going all out this year buying presents for the kids in the family. Why not? No treatments, no kids, we're splurging. We spent double what we normally spend on my little brother, and he is going to be so surprised. I can not wait to see the look on his face. We told him we wouldn't buy him the thing he wanted because it was too expensive. But we caved and bought it for him anyway. He has no clue.
My moods been lifting, and I don't mind the break now. I am enjoying it. I think my decision to skip the birth control was right on as well. I don't think taking a pill everyday would have helped my mood at all, having to count down to a new cycle. No thanks. I am thankful I skipped it. I don't have a clue what's going on with my body, and I don't care. For the first time, in so long, I don't care.
I'd forgotten what that felt like.