Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Lingering in the shadows

I should have been due this week. My birthday surprise was due on the twenty-second. Even though I was on my sixth Clomid cycle, it was still a surprise, because I'd only ovulated one other time while taking the Clomid. I didn't think my sixth cycle would be any different than the other four rounds that hadn't worked. But it was... thanks to my unexpected use of Predni.sone for whiplash, a most fruitful coincidence it was.

And yet here I am, seven months later.
Still no closer to being a mother.
Missing my little blob of promise.

I have ovulated once since then.

This reminds me of the first miscarriage.
I reached the EDD for it, and I only had one ovulation under my belt as well.
With no resulting pregnancy.

It's kind of depressing really- to have tried so hard, paid so much money, and yet nothing works. I mean this in the sense that the treatments don't seem very effectual for making my ovaries do anything. Not just in the sense that I am still not a mother. Although that is something to consider as well.

I should be due soon, but instead I'm on birth control pills.
Ain't that a cruel kick in the pants.

I had some mild relief today though.

Amazingly enough, if things are coded smarter my insurance will pick up some of the tab. Go you Dr. Incredulous (and damn you Dr. BlowsSunshine) I got my insurance not-a-bill forms today, and I jumped up and down like a school girl. So I didn't get pregnant- but at least I'm not paying as much money for not getting pregnant, as I had to last time. I am extremely thankful for that.

It's one thing to face the fact that the treatments didn't work, but it's another to get smacked upside the face with a large bill that just reminds you that should it have worked you would have gladly paid the bill- but as it were, there really isn't much of an upside to it... other than knowing you did everything you could. But, that bill is still salt in the wound despite that.

So, I am thankful... but still so sad.

I miss the two I tried to carry, but failed.

You know, I don't really have faith in a biological child anymore.
I don't really have faith in fertility treatments anymore either.
I question the whole institution of conception and pregnancy... at least, for us.

Still I am thankful for a reduced bill, finally.
I am thankful that I can stop the birth control pills next week-
and that we can get this show on the road already.

I don't have faith in it working (as in ovulating, getting pregnant, or a pregnancy resulting in a baby) but I am willing to give it another try. For now. Well, if we are able to. I guess we'll have to wait to see what the ovaries have been up to first. They are stubborn bitches.

I can't believe how much time is just flying by- yet how it somehow crawls, and remains completely stagnant at the same time. I don't feel like it's already been two and half years since we decided to start our family. I don't feel like time is moving at all, these three weeks have seemed like torture. Yet, in a mere three months I will be twenty-five already. Yet... I still feel like I'm twenty-two...

I kind of feel like I'm in a time paradox- you know, where you suddenly yell, "Stop, this can't be happening!" because time has unwound and reorganized itself at random intervals and in no particular order- and you're just along for the ride. Of course, no one outside the time bubble can see this- only you. So you watch as time contorts your life and you have to go at random speeds, with random hurdles and jumps with no rhyme and reason, but everyone else's life is on a smooth straight line heading right where it should be, just the way they should.

... ... ... Then again, maybe I just need to lay off the sci-fi.


Celia said...

Angel, you have something so precious even if you don't realize it. You have time. I know your heart needs a baby now but your age is a gift. I will be 35 next week and it is scary to know that we must try again as soon as we are allowed or we will miss any chance at all.

WiseGuy said...

I was uncurling on my mother's couch in the evening, and it hit me that it's been six years to our marriage. Not that I do not know this, but it registered in capitals today. So fit for :"because time has unwound and reorganized itself at random intervals and in no particular order- and you're just along for the ride."

Am so sorry that 22nd represents a date that shoul have been a happy one rather than such a painful one. Calendars are bleeding, you know!

Sweet Georgia said...

Sending hugs your way.

AMC said...

Hey! I changed url's. Hope to see you again. I realized I was missing your blog and had to find you again!

Flying Monkeys said...

I'm sorry for your hurt.

I'm sorry I don't know this, do they have an idea why you m/c'ed? PCOS is so effed up and so random. I O every month (they think because I have AF every month) but my hormones are off and they think I release immature eggs. I wish there was an easy fix. If it was a penis issue, they'd have one.

Yay for paying less!