Friday, July 10, 2009


Let me start by explaining how close our house is to our neighbor's house, it's maybe 3-5 feet away. It's windows on the side facing our house are exactly parallel to ours. We have to keep the shades drawn indefinitely for privacy's sake.

The house next door is a rental property. It gets a new resident every three to six months. They all move in, and out, under the cover of darkness. I shit you not, one day the house has people in it, the next it's empty. One day it's empty, and the next there are different people in it. It's nuts, a regular three ring circus. And it's always full of crazy people.

Our current neighbors are pretty young. There are like two different families living there. They have a dog, or two, that they leave tied up in their backyard by the fence. Every time we go into our backyard, for anything at all, they start barking at us. It's a bit annoying, but I do feel really sorry for the dog(s).

They apparently also have a baby, or two, or something. I have never seen these babies. But, I hear them crying during the day, and at night. And there was mention of them once, one of the females next door came over once for a flashlight. Their breaker needed checked because their power went out, and she was sobbing up a storm because there was no power and they had babies over there, and she was alone and freaking out and just could not cope. My husband went over and helped her with the breaker, but even he did not see these babies.

But, we know that they're there. They cry, or it cries- and it's like a ghost. The sound comes through our walls, even with the windows shut. I can be perfectly content with A- watching television, but then I go upstairs to use the bathroom, and I walk by the open hall window, and I hear it. And it hits me, and I walk more slowly. My pace stops, and I pause. But only for a moment; and then I keep going.


Last month I was in my poetry class, and we were listening to poems and writing down phrases we liked. We then were given a name sticker, one of those "I am ___" ones. We had to take a phrase, and claim our true name. And so, I became, "I am Alive Enough for Now."


Everywhere I love to go, I am afraid to look up as I go. I see people toteing around there beautiful children, I hear them scold, I hear them love, I see them reprimand, and I see them hug. And I pause. I feel my heart swell up into my throat, then sink. Sometimes it's like a vice is on my chest, an invisible hand reaching in and stilling my bleeding heart. Some days, I feel hallow. There's no pain, there's no joy- I'm sleep walking again. I am haunted by nursery rhymes, and strollers. I feel detached, watching the world around me but not being a part of it. Sometimes I wonder if the world can see it; can it see the agony within, that I am incomplete and walking amongst them; no longer simply haunted now, but a ghost myself.

I've seen so much in my life, been through so much. I know that this itself is not the end of the world. I know I should be thankful for what I have, and just be happy; and I am happy. But it's not enough.

This break from trying to concieve, it will be a good thing. Of this I am sure. But, just because I am on a break, it doesn't mean I can turn the pain off. I am still haunted by an unattainable dream, I am still reminded every day of what the past 27 months have done to me, and what the future looks like. I still have a long road ahead of me- whether it be that one last cycle, or adoption.

Here's to not trying, but not preventing. (C'mon, you know I don't ovulate, even pumped full of drugs. If I had a post-injectable cycle ovualtion, it would be a miracle. And I don't hold my breath for those.)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Son of a -

So, definitely a no go.

P4 1.9

Today is officially cycle day 1.

I talk to the RE tomorrow, and have a baseline... and a Q and A session.

Q's like,
"What the hell went wrong?"
"What are you going to do different?"
"Why didn't I ovulate?"
"Can we try higher doses of injects and HCG?"
"Where is my baby?"

There better not be any cysts. I will be a mad woman if there is!

Wait, I'm already a mad woman...

Monday, July 6, 2009

Too soon

If I wasn't still in denial I would call this cycle day 1. It's way too soon for cycle day one. Since I am in denial, I am going to deny it until I get the results from my progesterone draw... I won't call it anything at all, except unfortunate.

I wonder if I even ovulated at all.


As you may have noticed, I have been a little MIA here lately. I didn't mean to, it just sort of happened. I think part of it was being busy; with school, with work, with ridiculous family bickerings. The other part is that I don't have much to say right now, I'm really just trying not to think too much about where I am currently and what's coming up.

I slacked off all day and now must face the consequences: late night laundry.
So, I figure that if I was ever going to have the time, it would be now.

The abdominal pain finally subsided a few days ago. Thank goodness, that was ridiculous. I was told it may come back when I give myself the booster HCG trigger- which is tomorrow - but we'll see. I also go in for my P4 tomorrow. So, we'll finally see what is up with that number I guess.

I tested yesterday and the test came back negative, so I am assuming the trigger was either completely out or mostly out.

I thought everything was going fine until today, when I noticed quite a bit of spotting. I am now on red alert. Part of me wants to believe it was implantation spotting, but part of my fears the worst... the spotting was quite a bit more than it would be for implantation spotting, so I wonder if the end is near already.... I am only 8 days past ovulation. It would be total chaos and disorder.

I suppose that I'm going to have to just wait and see what happens tomorrow.