Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The talk-

So, A and I had the talk already. We had already decided that waiting 5 years would be too long, I really didn't want to wait that long to decide our next course of action. If we were going to try biologically again, I wanted to plan for that. If we wanted to move on to adoption, I wanted to start planning and saving for that sooner than that. So we said we'd talk about it in the next year or two, and we were like, "Okay, that's cool." Then we both had insomnia the other night, and started talking about it again. We discussed the possibility of another biological child. I said that it might be better to try again in a year or two if we wanted to go that route. I was leaning more toward two years from now, he was thinking more of trying again next year.

It surprised me how enthusiastic he was about trying again. He was really excited about the possibility of having another child, talking about how it would be a friend for V and how awesome it would be. We talked about the benefits of trying again sooner, and the drawbacks. In the back of my head, I was thinking how if things worked out easier this time, it would be nice... but what if it didn't?

Then the next night he held me tight and said, "I really hope we're able to have a baby next year." And things were more sombre.

Having V is wonderful. He is the highlight of my day. But, having more children is something I always wanted too. A and I always said we wanted two children, although I used to try and coax him into the idea of three. That was before infertility and the losses. I still want more children though, I just worry about how everything might affect V: the cost of treatments, the cost of pregnancy, my physical state, and my emotional well-being.

Before we had him, it was easy for us to risk everything. Now, it's not so simple.

The other problem here is that I feel like we've deluded ourselves into thinking it will happen. I mean, we know it could happen, V is proof of that. But the four years we struggled, not to mention the three miscarriages we went through, are proof that the odds are not in our favor. We don't really know what worked this time, when nothing worked the first three times. We don't know if it was the Thyroid medication, the Lovenox, the Progesterone, the cycle itself, or what exactly! We don't know why the SCH developed with such vengeance, but we do know I have a high chance of it happening again. The first half of my pregnancy with V was hell. The last half lulled me into a false sense of security, it was so normal.

If we're totally honest here, it was my successful pregnancy that was the fluke- not my miscarriages or failed cycles. I only carried 25% of my pregnancies to term. For most women, that statistic works the other way around. And I know that. I know it so well. But now I know that it's possible. I know I can carry a baby to term. I've done it once, but.. that by no way guarantees that I can do it again.

That's where the rational part of my brain sits. I'm afraid that it might not be possible. I'm afraid that if we wait too long, we could lose our window. I'm afraid that it could take years and years all over again.

I really want another child though. It isn't the same as our need was before.The thought of failing hurts, but it's not like it was before. The need for immediate success isn't as powerful. But it's there in my heart, the desire to do this again despite the fear and hardships.

So, we talked. And we tentatively decided that sometime next year, we'll try again. We won't do as many cycles, we won't be as wrapped up in trying, but we want to try again.

Friday, July 27, 2012

7 months-

Well, my little guy is 7 months today. It's amazing how fast he's growing. We're having eating/sleep issues, issues with him pinching and kicking me too, but we also have cuddles and laughter... there's really nothing better.

He gets on his hands and knees now, mostly he just rocks back and forth when he does that. He's trying to figure out how to move forward, and I have a feeling it won't be much longer... then he'll be crawling and I'll be chasing him everywhere. Oh, and he discovered the joys of hitting his toys on surfaces for that nice "bang" sound.

He LOVES petting the cats. I think that his biggest motivator towards crawling is his desire to catch them. Toys? Pfft. Oh look, there's a kitty! Only one of the cats likes him though, poor kid!

I'm still making his baby food, that seems to be going well. I spend a lot of time in the kitchen preparing healthy meals for us and for him, and it feels good. It's definitely cheaper to make his food this way. Of course, he'll be moving on to thicker stuff soon, and things to chew. Yikes.

I held him today and it just hit me how large he is now. He's so much heavier, and longer... a huge difference from that small baby I brought home. I have to put away his 6 month clothes tonight because they're getting too snug... the 9 month stuff fits him perfect. His swing is getting packed up too, since he's outgrown it. He uses his Jumparoo a lot now anyway. He's going to outgrow his infant car seat soon too, so we we're on the hunt for a convertible one. It's just as well, he's getting heavy and he's started sitting up in the grocery cart and using high chairs in restaurants anyway.

He rolls over all the time in his sleep. He likes sleeping face down or on his side, and it scares the hell out of me. I know there's nothing I can do about it, and the risk of SIDS is lower now, but it still scares me. I flip him back, then he flips back... repeat. Hopeless. The side sleeping I can deal with, but when he lays on his belly he likes to lay face down (like his father, I might add). I don't like it. (*sigh*)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Saying good bye to an era-

For a very long time, I've had dogs. Specifically, two special dogs in my life. When I was young, we were given Babies by my grandmother, he was already a year or two old. When I was 14, my mother got me a wonderful black lab puppy, and I named her Pokey. She was my girl. On December 28 last year, she turned 13. In February, we had to say goodbye.

Today we said goodbye to our other dog, the old grumpy man. He was 16. We often joked about him living forever, because despite the years nothing seemed to slow him down. It's true that his face has turned white with age, but his spirit was still that of a pup (a very disobedient and ornery pup, albeit). But, despite his spirit, his body was slowly failing him. He was 16 after all.

Having senior dogs hasn't been easy. I missed the days when they were young, when they could get around with ease, when they weren't in pain, when they weren't incontinent, when they still played chase with us. I loved the docile nature that age brought with it, the sleeping at my feet, or resting their heads on my lap at peace, staying near me just to be near me. It was different, but it was nice too. If it wasn't for their bodies failing them.

In some ways, losing them hasn't been as hard as it could have been. I take comfort in the fact that they lived long and wonderful lives. They chased horses and squirrels. They swam in lakes and ponds. They ran in fields and woodlands. They ate pig ears and cookies, snuck into the trash, and chewed up their fair share of children's toy! They lived the stereotype of what a dog should do. They lived their lives to the fullest. And for that, I am so thankful.

It's weird coming home to a house devoid of barking. To see the food bowl sitting, with food still in it that will probably never be eaten (the cats have taken a liking to dog food, so we won't count that out). But what I'm saying is, to a bowl that he will never eat from again. That she will never fight with him about again. That will never be used by our dogs again. It's been such a huge era of my life, and now it's gone.

It's true, I could get another dog. But I don't want another dog. I want my dogs, I want them how they were when they were young and full of spunk. I want them when they were at the height of their youth, bursting with excitement and love. I want them when they weren't in pain. When they weren't suffering the effects of old age. I want them from when getting up and down wasn't a chore, but a given. I want them back the way they used to be.

Someday we will get another dog, but not now or anytime soon. The last few years have been so hard. It's one of those things you don't really think of when you get a puppy. You don't imagine how hard it's going to be when they can't get around anymore, when they can't control themselves anymore, or how hard it's going to be to say goodbye.

Rest well my sweet puppies.
I'll always miss you.


Since I stopped the birth control pills it didn't take long for the bleeding to stop. Funny how that works. When I stay on them I keep bleeding for as long as the pack is, but I stop them and BAM it's okay. Thank goodness for small favors.

I'm getting really close to 200lbs, just a couple of pounds to go. I'm really excited about this... which sounds ridiculous, I mean how off is it to be excited to be 200lbs? Well, it is for me. And I'm going to jump for joy when I get to 199lbs too. It might not seem like big milestones, but they mean a lot to me. When I reach 200lbs that will mean I've lost 50lbs total, and I'm halfway to my goal of 150lbs. I am counting down the days!

I've been thinking of starting another blog for focusing solely on weight loss stuff. I'm trying a Wordpress blog for now, but I'm not sure I'm going to stick with it. I don't like the format as much as Blogger, and it doesn't always do what I want it to for some reason. It's just kind of frustrating me. I wanted something separate though, because I wanted to post more personal stuff and photos. I'm afraid to post stuff on here sometimes because I want this is private from my family, it's always allowed me to really vent and work out my emotions/reactions in an open space and get feedback. During the heart of my journey that was really important, and it still is. But for my weight loss blog I wanted more freedom, I wanted it to be in the open. Anyway, I'm over here (for now) if anyone wants to check it out.

I'll still be posting some stuff on here, like my monthly updates, and little things here and there, especially as it pertains to my PCOS. But the new blog will allow me to post about more health related topics, updates, stuff to keep me motivated.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

July weigh in-

Last week I slacked off pretty badly from my workout and calorie restrictions. A was on vacation and we were running around a lot, so I feel bloated and out of shape. The scale hasn't shown a huge setback for my slip up though (so far) so I need to just get back on the horse. Especially with the jogging, because I paid for my slacking when I got back on there Sunday. I only missed one jog last week, but it was enough to make that jog feel like an impossible feat. Ugh.

I finally bought new shorts. First of all, a little rant. I had to shop at 4 different stores before I found a single pair of shorts in my size. They all told me they got their summer clothes in March, and that they start getting fall clothing in June. Okay, but that's just ridiculous. They stop carrying summer clothes before summer even begins! Seriously, we have two months left of summer and shorts are a rare commidity. The heat index today is supposed to be 104, and we've had this same weather for the last month (drought, extreme high temperature and humidity) and it doesn't have an end in sight! But, no, we totally need to start buying winter boots RIGHT NOW.

They told me I should have bought them in March... I did buy some in March, but I lost weight since then and they don't fit anymore. So, argument fail?

Anyway, I was lucky and found a couple pairs on clearance, that were actually in my size. I felt pretty good in the dressing room. I started in a size 22 in March, and now I'm in a size 18. WOOT! It was a pretty nice ego boost. It's been a hell of a long time since I've fit into a size 18... a good 7 years. I'm smaller than I was on my wedding day now. Not bad! Now if I can just keep going.

I weighed 211 last month, this morning I weighed in at 204.6lbs. So that makes a 6.4lb loss this month.

Since March 17, 2012:
Weight loss: 22.4lbs
Inches off hips: 5
Inches off waist: 4.5

Monday, July 16, 2012


I talked to the nurse today at my ob/gyn's office. I'm rescheduling my appointment for the end of August, and until then I'm just giving my body a break from the pill. I honestly have never had these issues with the pill before. The nurse kept calling it "breakthrough bleeding," and I was like, "Sure, if you want to call it that." Technically it is, since it started when it shouldn't have but it's heavy, and it doesn't just last a couple days, it lasts until I get to the start of a new pack... not my idea of "breakthrough bleeding." I'm almost bleeding more than I'm not.

Maybe giving my body a break will be a good thing. I don't know, it's worth a try. Until then, I guess we'll just use a different method of prevention and hope my body behaves itself.

Sunday, July 15, 2012


I switched to regular birth control pills after I stopped nursing for a lot of reasons. I mean, with my PCOS I needed something to regulate my hormones and make sure I got a period, otherwise when/if I would was unknown. Remember, I stopped ovulating when I was 21, and never got bleeds without using progesterone or fertility treatments to induce one. Now, maybe things are different since I gave birth, but PCOS doesn't go away. So, I also wanted to make sure I didn't get cysts, which I was prone to. Plus, regulating my hormones so that if we decide to TTC again it will be easier, as well as helping maintain my other PCOS symptoms. So again, birth control pills would help me there.

And finally, I do not want to risk getting pregnant right now. Which is weird after spending so many years struggling to bring home a baby. But see, I don't want the emotional or financial drain that another pregnancy would bring right now. I don't want another miscarriage, I don't want to do daily injections, spend over $100 a month on Lovenox, or god knows how much on monitoring and other medications, not to mention my high risk of developing another SCH... I just can not do that right now. I would love another child, but I don't want to deal with all those risks/complications at this point in my life. I think that if things had been easier, if I hadn't went through all the miscarriages, the months of bed rest, or had all these issues that make my uterus hostile, I might be more open to trying again sooner... but this is my situation. And as much as I want another child, I really just want to enjoy the one I have right now.

So, for the last four months I've been on regular birth control, and I've been getting my bleed earlier than I should. The first three months it was a week early, and it lasted two whole weeks. They told me to give it time for my body to adjust, but I've never had this issue in all my time using the pill.

This month, it was two weeks early... and I am going to scream if it lasts three weeks. I swear to you I will. I'm sick of bleeding. I used to go months without a bleed because of my PCOS, and I went on pills to regulate that... so now this is happening? I am at a loss. I don't want to do anything long lasting because we may consider trying again in the next two years. I'm afraid to try anything else hormonal at the point, and starting to think maybe I should just give my body a bit of a break. Then comes the worry about cysts and everything else if I choose not to use something hormonal. I don't know. I have an appointment with my OB/GYN on the 18th, so I think I'll just talk to her then. But I have to do something else, it's obvious my body isn't "regulating" here.

I feel bad ranting here or to anyone else about this. I know it's irrational, but there it is. I feel like such a phony when I complain about my birth control issues, like a hypocrite. I mean, I spent years complaining about my infertility and now I'm ranting about how my birth control isn't working right? I feel like such a whiner, but I am so fed up with bleeding so much.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Our 6th anniversary-

Nine years ago my husband and I became a couple, and six years ago I became his wife. I really don't know where the time went, but it honestly feel like we've always been together. Like he's always been a part of me, and I a part of him.

This year we went on a picnic out at the spot where we got married. I wanted to go last year, but since I was still under restrictions from our rocky pregnancy we were unable to. We took V to the playground while we were there, across from the pine trees we were married under.

It was such a joy to have him there, after spending so many years together wondering if we were ever going to have a child at all. He was cracking us up, and it was a beautiful day.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012


I've been having issues with numbness and pain in my toes. The numbness occurs no matter what I'm doing, but more often when I'm walking/jogging/sitting with my feet propped up. I suspected it may be related to my spine, or circulation, but not being an expert I went to see my primary care physician. She believes it's related to my spine (possible nerve inflammation) because, 1) I have frequent lower back pain that can be unbearable, 2) I've had issues with spinal inflammation in the past, and 3) I have an S shaped curve in my spine due to a moderate case of scoliosis.

So, I get to take a weeks worth of steroids and my doctor had me do a couple x-rays in the meantime just to look things over again.

It's been awful when I jog, because halfway through I lose all sensation in my right toes. It comes back once I cool down and relax, but it's intermittent. Then my back hurts the rest of the night too, so while I feel invigorated from my workout, I also feel run down in general.

I really hope the steroids work.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

All over the place-

- My step-sister has a match, as a matter of fact she has a baby in her home this week! They've had one court hearing, but they have several more ahead of them. I believe in our state the final adoption hearing is after 6 months... so crossing my fingers that she doesn't have another disrupted match! He's beautiful, and every update just melts my heart. She's waited 6 years for this.

- We're in the midst of a major heatwave, like most of the US. It's 101F outside right now (and HUMID as hell). We bought a window a/c unit for lack of better options, and turned our dining room into a sitting room since it was the best room for the unit (Oh the joys of a 100+ year old home). It's so nice in here right now though. Not as cool as a home with central a/c, but it'll do! My kitchen feels like a damn sauna. At least V isn't grumpy because it's so hot, and he hasn't gotten heat rash since. Momma is happy about that.

- Rearranging the rooms put me into cleaning overdrive. I've just decided to declutter. Several bags of trash, and boxes for the thrift store later... I have more cleaning to do. Honestly, it's about time. I really need to simplify my life. All this junk just adds to my cleaning, and in recent years I've really come to value the statement "less is more."

- I finally took all the syringes from the fertility treatments/pregnancy and put them in containers for disposal. I have two large laundry detergent bottles full. I've been meaning to get rid of those so many times now, but I'm horrible about follow through. But, this week or next they are out of here.

- For someone who said I didn't think I could ever give myself an injection, I've sure given myself a ton.

- We were going to watch the fireworks tonight, but it's almost 8:30pm and still 101F. Not to mention we have a severe thunderstorm warning, and a messy front is moving in. It should hit sometime soon. The sky is pretty clear, but the radar tells another story. I don't think we'll be going after all. We really need the rain, but I'm hoping this storm is mild.

- V had his 6 month check-up on Monday. He's almost 19lbs and right on track. He had his shots, which made him grumpy. Man, I'd hate to be the nurse that does those injections. That poor woman; he screamed and screamed, then stopped the second she was out the door. I think he's on to her.

- A is taking vacation next week, and our anniversary is next Thursday (the 12th). We don't have any exciting plans, but it'll be nice to just spend some time as a family. I'm trying to think of fun things we can do, but I guess that'll depend on the weather. I can't believe it's been almost six years since we got married, nine since we started dating! That just seems like so long.

- I just bought brand new shorts two months ago, and they're already too loose. Having to buy new clothes because mine are too big? That is an amazing feeling! Heck, I found my old shorts that were too tight in 2010, and they're way too loose now too. Definitely an ego boost. I weigh less than I did when I was pregnant for the first time. I even weigh less than I did at my wedding.

- Sometimes I just need to brag and remind myself that all this hard work is worth it.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Friday night-

Thursday it got up to 105F here, according to the weather reports, with the humidity it "felt like" 112F.

Friday was forecast to be much the same. Heading those warnings, and not having air conditioning in our home, we headed out of the city to cool off with some retail therapy. Poor V had gotten a little heat rash and I was worried about him.

We don't have cable, but I check the weather online. It said we have a 10% chance of thunderstorms. That really didn't seem like a big deal.

When we left to go home it was sunny. It was beautiful, but terribly humid.

When we got closer to our city, we noticed it was dark. I commented to A that it was probably that 10% chance they predicted. We crossed the storm threshold, and the car buffeted almost off the road unexpectedly. We proceeded much below the speed limit the rest of the way into town as branches, hail, and high winds tried to knock us off the roads.

That was the scariest car ride ever.

When we got into town, it was like a disaster area. It was still pouring, there were branches and trees scattered on the roads. There were police and ambulances everywhere. Almost every single streetlight was out. Some streets were flooded. Our side of town got the worst damage; on our street alone there were several tress knocked into people's homes, two taking power lines down with them. We skirted the first one, it was literally on the street, but the second one was next door. A giant tree sized limb had fallen in their yard, taking lines down with it. A giant limb was in our driveway. The photo is our side fence, a limb busted off one of our trees in the front yard and the wind slammed it around to the side of our house and banged our fence up pretty good. There are roof tiles littered in our back yard.

Thank goodness that was the worst of the damage, and that we were okay.

When we got in the house, the power was one but then shut off. It came back on though, and stayed on.

My mom, 30 minutes away in another county, wasn't that lucky; lightning struck their transformer. My cousin and her were without power until midnight. My friend (an hour away) was without power until today. There were street lamps, street signs, utility poles knocked down all over. I know other states got it worse, and I can't even imagine. I mean, I'm in Ohio and we had to declare a state of emergency. Crews were out here at midnight cleaning up this tree and power lines in the neighbors yard. Some street lights are still out.

It was intense.

But we were pretty lucky, considering how bad it could have been. I am super thankful for that!