Saturday, April 12, 2008

Desperate to believe in something

Well, it is now officially CD41. FF gave me possible cross hairs on CD 37... when I take my temp in the morning it will either be confirmed or disproved. Waiting, again. I want to believe it so badly, yet... I don't believe it. I want to, but I hardly think it's telling the truth.

To top that off DH left today on a business trip. He won't return until Wednesday... so, that's depressing. I hate being alone.

I don't feel so good. I'm kinda crampy, like my internal organs decided to become a tight condensed mass. It hurts to sit certain ways because of my tummy and such. Blech.

I'll have to update this once I get tomorrow's temp.
It'll probably be low again. Don't hold your breathes people.
Speaking of people...
there's not anyone out there reading this... is there?

Monday, April 7, 2008

Faceted fears and presumptuous confusion

I am so afraid of moving forward, even though it has been my singular demanding thought since November.

I'm afraid of calling the doctors office, setting up the appointment.

I'm afraid that they will refuse to help me, that they'll tell me nothing is wrong, that they'll ignore me.

I'm afraid that I am being to hasty. That I'm jumping the gun. Maybe, if I lose weight, I will be able to ovulate next year... maybe there's nothing wrong. Yet, I know that that is shit.
I know I'm just trying to divert my mind, to deny it again.

So much has come to pass in my life. I know I am young, but my soul has been well worn. I am tired. I am so fucking tired. I struggle through each day, and I just want to have something normal. Just once.

I'm not asking for anything too outrageous. I just want what everyone else has, what we are all supposed to be entitled to. An everyday miracle.

The real joke is this, we are all raised being told that we can have it all, we can do everything... but not everyone can. I accept that I can not. I was not raised with delusions, I was raised with a pessimistic view on this cold world. I was raised to acknowledge that I will never be anything, because I was born last, I was born poor, I was born into the wrong circumstances... yet here I am. A college graduate, living better than I did as a child (even if I am still not living comfortably, I am living comfortably enough. At least the home I live in now has heat!)... all that being said... I don't understand how I can come so far in achieving a normal life only to be stopped here. I am achieving my dreams, why not this one too?

Why not the only one that was ever important?

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Where the peices may fall

So, I got the insurance manual out last night to see what they cover.
It's not pretty.

They'll cover me getting a diagnosis, and treating medically neccessary things (Like treating IR if I have it, which would be nice...) BUT they do not cover any ovulation inducing medications, no IUI, no IVF. So.. if I get Clomid, that's as far as I'll be able to go... at least for a few years.

It's all so expensive... and yes, I know babies are expensive, but that's the cost of them living. I have to pay for conception, in all likelihood; while most people concieve for free. It's so bull shit.

I'm not putting it off, I'm going to try what I can for now.
And, if it doesn't work, I'll take time off and do two things. One, I will focus on my health. A healthier me has a better chance of conceiving with fertility medication, and on my own. Two, I will save up money for either medications, IVF, or adoption.

Sooooo.... so expensive, and then again with the waiting.... ack.
Waiting, waiting, waiting... maybe the whole lesson here is that I need to learn patience. This is a ridiculous way to teach it though, let me tell you that much!
Absolutely ridiculous.