Monday, May 18, 2009

Thank you

Thank you all for your outpouring of support.

The REs office called and said he would be willing to do a monitored CloMood cycle... ummm, wtf? How about no? I tried that once, and well... what a waste of money. My ovaries started making follicles, and then quit. They reabsorbed by the third ultrasound... so do I want to pay all that money on an eighth CloMood cycle, that has very minor hope of working?

The nurse tried to make it sound like it was a good idea.
I was not sold.

I feel like I sound very wry lately. I am I guess. I'm so angry, and just agitated to no end. In this entire journey I have never felt this way. Usually I just felt defeated, accepting but slightly angry. Now, it feels like it's all anger. All rage. I don't like feeling like this, I much preferred the feeling of accepted hopelessness. Bah.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Ha ha

Well, my BBT is quite the prankster.

No ovulation for me. I guess it really is a good thing I did not read too much into it.

Now the dilemma. I don't want to pay for a progesterone draw, out of pocket, to prove I did not ovulate. I don't want to pay for an ultrasound out of pocket, since my ovaries no longer hurt. Which, by the way, when I asked how that would be coded, should I decide to go through with it? The nurse told me that it would depend on what they found. What the hell? If I'm going in for pelvic pain, you better damn well code it as pelvic pain bitch.

Do I sound whiney, angry, unreasonable? Why yes, I do. I hate sounding like that, being like that... but that's infertility for you. It is unreasonable, it makes me angry, it makes me feel whiney.

I do no want to dip out of my saved money to pay for these things. I don't. I would rather use that money towards home repairs, geared with a future homestudy in mind. It's an old house, it does need a little TLC.

Of course, if I don't get these things done they'll tell me we can't do another cycle. Which, were we even planning on doing another cycle in the first place? I wouldn't mind trying CloMood one more time, for shits and giggles, but at a cost of about $522 just to be allowed to try it? No, I would rather not. Not on a last ditch effort that will likely not pay off. And if we did injectables, it wouldn't be until the end of summer anyway. But right now, this week, money is really tight due to unforeseen bills and expenditures. I didn't set money aside to waste on getting poked and prodded. I wasn't expecting that I would be. I mean, I knew I'd have to get a P4 if I ovulated, and that's fine... but to pay it to show that I did not? That's not only a waste of my money, but it's depressing. Don't try to give me false hope, just accept the hopelessness of it all. I have.

I hate that the nurse doesn't believe me... even though I like to think I know my body.

I hate that I know my body, and have accepted that I have ovaries that sit as quiet as a post-menopasual woman... and that they've been this way since I was 21. Maybe even longer.

I hate that I can't do this thing that seems so simple, that I never doubted I'd be able to do... until I couldn't do it.

I hate this unwanted path, and I hate that I didn't know... I had hope of it leading somewhere better, but I didn't know that it would be a dead end all along.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


First, an update on the lawnmower thief. We discovered today that the jerk emptied the gas can (s)he stole and then (s)he put the empty gas can in our recycling bin on our porch. How considerate.

Kudos are deserved for my mother and uncle. Today they came out and fixed our broken lawnmower. Why we didn't do this in the first place? I don't know. After many hours of tinkering... we have a fixed lawnmower, which is chained and locked to our back porch. And ain't nobody cutting that chain (I hope.)

In your face lawnmower thief!

I've also been mending some things around the house, little repairs here and there. It's easy how the little things pile up, until they seem like big things. Instead of being intimidated by them, I need to just roll up my sleeves and get to it. In my time living in this house I have learned how to change electrical outlets, install new switches and dimmer switches, how to install ceiling fans and light fixtures, and how to patch walls. I am a super machine, I can do it. Ha ha ha. But seriously, I am becoming a regular handy-woman around the house. I am proud of myself. Now if I can just find the motivation to finish up all these odd jobs that have piled up...

In other news... my BBT is messing with me.
I may have Ov'ed, or my temperature could just be messed up from my wonky sleeping pattern the last few days... I don't know. I'm trying not to read too much into it. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

I got one "Happy Mother's Day" today. I didn't even expect to get one. It was, of course, from my sister. She's so sweet. She always knows just the right thing to say.

It's unfortunate that she is the only one who seems to be able to fully empathize in real life, and I think that most of this is because we have both lost babies. Her first pregnancy was her stillborn baby girl. My first and second pregnancies, both miscarriages. She knows just the right things to say to me, and it's unfortunate that I think most of the reason she knows what to say stems from the fact that she has lost too. I would much rather suffer in silence than to have her baby be gone, to have my beautiful niece gone. Yet, I find so much comfort in having someone who actually understands.

But how easily I would go without that comfort if it meant my niece had never died.

Happy Mother's Day to all you babylost mamas out there; to all you mothers to children present, and those that are missing; to all of you who have struggled, and gained, and not lost; to all you who will someday be called mama, because you have loved, and struggled ardently, for a child you haven't even met yet but know you will someday.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Quick rant

Already I am getting asinine comments about adoption.
Why do I feel like there will be plenty more where these gems came from?
(Mind you, this is just a summary of our long conversation...)

She said, "You know, adopting that way you won't be able to get a baby."

"I may not be able to, I know. But I am hoping for an infant or toddler, or at most about six years old."

"Well, you don't want an older one. You don't want one that's ruined."

Awkward silence.

I said, "Children can't be ruined. They have situations they need to work through and deal with. They can't be ruined, they're children."

She replied, "Yeah, but if they've been sexually abused they'd have serious issues. You can't understand that. They would be ruined."

"No, they wouldn't be. They'd have issues, and we'd work through them together. You can't just write kids off because they've been through a trauma. And don't think I am not aware of possible issues, I am reading books on parenting after adoption, I'm researching. I know there will be ongoing issues that I would have to work through with my child. And I am learning how to handle them."

Her response, "Okay, okay. Well, I need to be going."

Oi. Which brings me to my next adventure:
How to inform the people, in our lives, about adoption.

I was thinking we'll either have to actually sit down with them and explain things, as far as the process of adoption and about raising adopted children.

Or, I could find something to print off for them.

Or, even better, I could type up my own little information packets...

I don't know yet, but I do know this: we need to make sure they realize what's going on, how it will affect us and the child(ren), and how they should handle things about our situation (social issues, private issues, child's specific issues, the whole caboodle.)

There are so many issues to consider with adoption. I don't even know where to begin, it's all swirling around in my brain right now. Issues of the adoption itself, how it affects others, how it affects us as a family unit, transracial adoption (I'm not particularly concerned about this though. I come from a very multicultural family. I love it. I'll explain this in another post though.) So, lots of things to consider, and plenty of time to do so. But, we do need to let people know what is acceptable, and what is not (Like saying I don't want a "ruined" child.... totally not acceptable language use.)

I still can't believe she said that.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Ever so helpful

So I called about trying Fem.ara.
As well as to touch base about this cycle...

They are ever so helpful.

First, he does know about Fe.mar.a. However, his office doesn't prescribe it. They're concerned about it's risk of birth defects. So, the nurse said she would talk to him about it, but did not think it was an option.

As for this cycle, they want me to get a progesterone draw done next week to see if maybe I ovulated and it just didn't show on temps or OPKs... uhhh, okay. I think that is a huge waste of my money, but sure. In 12 months my BBT has never been wrong... I know it's wonky from the vitamin D, but I doubt it's that wonky.

If I don't ovulate by next week, and I'm still having issues with my ovaries, they then want me to come in and get an ultrasound to check it out. Sure, whatever.

At this point, after the progesterone draw and an ultrasound, then they will be willing to discuss for me what we should do next cycle.

I don't think there will be a next cycle.
One, I could try Clomid again... it did work well last time.
Or two, I could try injectables... oh, no. Wait, I can't do that. I spent most of my injectable funds on other medical bills. Go figure.

It looks like I am heading towards completion.
I may try an injectable cycle at the end of summer, but I sure ain't trying it anytime soon.

Or I could just say forget it all and move on to adoption like I was planning to.
But the issue is, what am I doing while I wait to start adoption. Going au naturale, something minor like more or soy, just losing weight and focusing on myself... maybe even, dare I say it, birth control pills.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Eh, Fe.mar.a

Many of you have postulated that I may benefit from trying F.ema.ra.

I have not tried it, and I don't think it's an option for me.

I would love to try it... but Dr. BlowsSunshine has never brought it up as an option. It doesn't seem to be part of the protocol in his office. And it's not like I can go elsewhere. It's either his clinic an hour away, one of his 4 associates who all work in the same said clinic; or I drive two hours away to see a some doctor I don't know in some place I've never been to before in my life. Ohio doesn't seem to be big on Reproductive Endocrinologists. I know, we have five in a central region... but other than them, you're driving all the way to the outskirts of the state... at least from what I've found from what's in network for me... while my insurance doesn't cover much, it does cover a few things since we're in network. Like the pregnancy and miscarriage stuff. And very rarely diagnostic testing. I would research out of network ones... but I haven't really found any other than the in network ones anyway.

Also, I never brought it up with him either. Mostly because I have been content with just trying CloMood for now... but perhaps it is time to call his office and have the talk. I highly doubt that he would be willing to give it a try, he is a pretty straitlaced individual. And off label use... doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary much. But, I suppose it will do no harm to ask. Right?

It wouldn't be the first time I convinced them to humor me there. But this is more than just humoring me. I will admit it, I doubt he has any knowledge about F.em.ara. I have doubts about how safe it would be even if he decided to give it a go. But when I call, I can see if he has any knowledge about it. If he doesn't know squat about it, I will not be trying it for various reasons. One, he would not likely prescribe it. And two, if he did I would be too scared to take it. If he does know about it, and is willing to try it... well, we can try.

So, while has not yet been an option to me, maybe it will be in the future;
but right now it doesn't seem to be one.

I may call them later this week and ask about it.
If I do, I'll let you all know what they say.
Whatever their answer, it should be interesting.

Dear CloMood,

We need to talk.

You were supposed to be fooling my estrogen receptors into thinking I was running on empty. This in turn should have tricked my body into upping it's production, thereby creating follicles, which would release eggs.

It is cycle day 16, dear CloMood. And all I have to show for it is about five days worth of CloMood migraines, and achy ovaries. And since we both know from experience that neither of those mean anything, and are just annoying side effects... well, I think we know where this is going. Where's my ovulation, CloMood? Where's my egg?

CloMood, you were not the friend I thought you would be. While you did get me to ovulate a whopping two times (out of seven cycles) and I did get pregnant once with you (although it ended in miscarriage) well, CloMood, you are being a real pain in my arse. I don't like getting side effects with no main effect. And I am sick of it. You can not keep toying with me.

And you won't. CloMood, we have come to the end of our journey together. While we had some good times, they are far overshadowed by the downtimes. CloMood, this is your Dear John letter. This will likely be our last encounter. I wish we could end on a more postive note, but it is what it is. I am not entirely sad to see you go. I wish you'd take your side effects with you...

Another Dreamer

Monday, May 4, 2009

One year ago

One year ago I was about 5 weeks pregnant.
I was in my bedroom getting things ready for one of our nephew's first birthday parties.
I bent over,
and I felt intense sharp cramps.
One; two;
I ran to the bathroom.
Checked the TP.
And found blood.
Lots of blood.
I spent most of that evening in the ER...
(something I don't plan on ever doing again.)

Two days later it would be confirmed.
I'd just had my first miscarriage.

It's already been a year since then.
And what do I have to show for it?
More heartache, more loss, more grief?

I feel like screaming, "Stop! I can't keep doing this!"
But I can, and I am...
but I won't be for much longer.

I know that now.
It is firming up in my heart.
One more cycle; maybe.
An injectable cycle; perhaps one.
Some natural cycles... maybe
(Although, since I don't ovulate on my own, I don't think those will count for much.)
But, I know that this journey is about to end.
One way or another, in the next year we will be closing this chapter of our trying to concieve journey. And another chapter will be opening. I don't know what yet, whether one of these cycles will work, or if we'll be pursuing adoption full throttle... but this chapter, the here and now, will be closing.

I miss my lost ones.
I miss the future we should have had.
I miss the hope that used to illuminate the path.

And I am ready to let go of this.
I am ready to let go of failing
month after month after month.
Agony, pain, grief;

I can feel something changing in my heart.
I can feel the dreams I used to have breaking off, and dying.
I can feel something else taking root in their place.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


I think I may be coming down with a cold. Or maybe it's allergies. Heck, maybe it's

I doubt it's the latter, and assume it's one of the first two choices.

I am waiting to see if I ovulate, still. It's cycle day 14, and I am terrified it just ain't gonna happen. Quick reminder, this is my seventh cycle of Clomid. Of which only two have been ovulatory. The two cycles I ovulated on Clomid before were on cycle days 16 and 15... and I'm terrified I won't even get that again. I mean, not getting pregnant this cycle? I'd be okay with that, I'd accept it. But to not even ovulate... it'd be a sore kick in the pants, to say the least.

Still researching adoption, parenting after adoption, and so forth. Just gathering knowledge, feeling like I'm drowning in if's and when's, and then's. If we do this, then we can do this when... etc...

I really don't know what to write about on that front. We're researching, and the option is sounding really awesome. Most of the time. Then there are days when I feel like I'm overwhelmed in what will be required of us. It's a lot to think about.

I'm coming to terms slowly with what it would mean to lose that genetic link, and I know that it will take more time still. I have all the time I need, and I am thinking about it daily.

Some days I can not wait for October to get here so that we can begin the training classes. Other days, I am terrified.

I mean, you always think you'll start out with a baby and work your way into potty training, big kid beds, school... but if we adopt? We may be jumping right into it all, depending on the age we're open to. Which, right now, we think the oldest would be 6. Don't think us obstinate or anything, it's just that 6 years ago I was 18. And it just seems more natural to have a child that is in the age range that seems reasonable for my age.

I would really prefer a baby or a toddler, because I don't want to miss out on that experience. But, I also realize that the baby phase only lasts a short while, while being a parent is forever. It's just that you spend so long imagining yourself pregnant, or having a baby; I mean, I always thought I would have that experience in my lifetime. I truly did, and I kept thinking it even through all these cycles of Clomid.

But, after clomid cycle after clomid cycle, after miscarriage after miscarriage... I can't see it anymore. I can't imagine it. Whether I want to or not, I am letting go of the dream of being pregnant. I don't want to let go of the dream of having a baby too, but I am slowly releasing it as well. It's a process, to say the least. It's hard to reprogram your brain and rewire your heart.

I feel like everything is so up in the air right now.
And really, it is.

I am either going to ovulate and get pregnant.
Or, ovulate, get pregnant, and miscarry.
Or, ovulate and not get pregnant, and try another cycle.
Or I am going to not ovulate... and then-
Either take a few months off and then try injectables
Or quit trying biologically... and move on to adoption solely and completely.

There are so many options right now, and no one knows what will happen.
Heck, I could die in the time I am waiting for my life to come together.
All options require time to complete.
Making a baby takes almost a year... in my case it's been two already ;) Adoption takes a year to get approved. And we have no idea how long it would take to find our forever child.

A lot can happen in all this time.

Which brings me back to waiting.
Always waiting.

Oh, tomorrow makes one year since I started miscarrying my first pregnancy.