Thursday, November 26, 2009

Taking it a day at a time-

First a short summary of what we know:
- Completely Anovluatory on my own (since I was 21, before that I was extremely irregular)
- Started trying to concieve shortly after turning 22... I'm turning 25 in January
- PCOS; with a 2:1 LH:FSH ratio
- Ovaries are classic PCOS cystic
- All ultrasounds have revealed nothing to be concerned about in uterus
- High Testosterone and DHEA-S
- Glucose Tolerance Test was higher than normal, but should be controlled with Metformin
- Have tried on own, with Clomid, with FSH injectable medications and Dexamethasone
- Had issues with luteal phase while on injectables, started using progesterone
- Gotten pregnant three times, resulted in early miscarriages
- HSG was clear
- Karotyping was normal
- Tested negative for most clotting disorders, but have PAI-1 4g/5g (started low-dose aspirin after second miscarriage)

So, we decided to test for three clotting disorders which are not usually tested for at all, and are not common.

We're going to get some other stuff underway, but it's all going to be spaced out over a few months because I just have too much going on. I am graduating in three weeks, the holidays are obviously upon us, and then in January I have to renew my license, plates etc... because unfortunately, I am getting older again.

I agreed to a saline ultrasound of my uterus, just in case we missed something. I will probably go ahead and get that done next month.

I agreed to a laproscopy to check for endometriosis and anything else that might be going on, and I have also gave her the green light to go ahead just perform the ovarian drilling while in there...

I will probably not get this done until January or February though... it really depends on how my consult goes with the carpal tunnel doc... and when I can get in for surgery (hoping to have both arms done and over with at once... probably not going to happen, but who knows). Yeah. The new year is going to have quite the excitement going on.

As for if I unexpectedly find myself pregnant again, whether not trying or trying... I am to call them immediately. I will continue using low-dose aspirin and metformin. I get to use progesterone too, and she said I could continue the dexamethasone if I really want to. She also let me know that she wouldn't normally do this, but given my history and my sister's history, she is okay with putting me on Lovenox in pregnancy as well. There are of course major risks with using a blood thinner, but I am willing to take on those risks. So, if I do somehow find myself pregnant, I will begin shooting up again in a different way.

Speaking of shooting up... I decided we will not try injectables again for sure. Not given the massive dose of meds I require and our lack of success- I am not wanting to spend much more money trying to get pregnant at this point. If I do try to get pregnant again, it will be after the ovarian drilling and possibly with Clomid and Dexamethasone- but nothing more extensive than that. I'd rather put the money towards adoption savings, you know? And we may eventually try embryo adoption, but I am just not sure I want to do that now. I just don't want to invest the money into it while we don't know for sure why I keep miscarrying... I just don't know. I need more time to think about it.

And that's what I have now, time. A few months to just piddle around and get testing done, research, rest up, and think about where we're going.

The holiday today is kicking my butt. It's hard, but at least I am safe at work (no pun intended on that one, as I stare at our security cameras and buzz people in and out of the locked doors of the shelter) Safe as in, I am not seeing my in-laws today. And due to a time conflict with my mom, I will not be able to make it to her get together either. Fine by me.

My husband bought me part of my x-mas gift early, Bea.tles R.oc.kband. Rock on. That kept me entertained all night. And then tonight, after I make some turkey dinner for myself and my husband, I'm going to see a movie. Tomorrow I am having my three best friends over for my Thanksgiving vegetarian lasagna- my little brother will be there too. So, all my favoritest people will be under one roof with me- and for that, I am thankful.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

My uterus-

My uterus should become a paid assassin. I'd make killing at the bank. Pun totally intended.

Beta dropped down to 15, so... as I said from the beginning, another chemical.

I'm not surprised.

I have already had a complete thrombophilia panel done. I was on low-dose aspirin for my PAI-1 4g/5g. My HSG showed no uterine abnormalities and clear tubes. Karyotyping on my husband and myself was normal. This cycle I did injectable medication, with dexamethasone to lower my DHEA-S and testosterone (hoping to make stimming better and egg quality as well), I did an IUI, timing was great and sperm count and motility were awesome, there were 2-4 eggs, I was on progesterone to support my levels after ovulation. ... and yet, none of that was enough for a viable pregnancy. So where does that leave us.

With more questions than answers.

Is it my eggs, is it my hormones, is it my uterus, is it something else like an immune issue?

I suppose the answer to those questions will officially decide where we go from here. Even if we don't keep trying, I feel like I need more answers than what I have.

But either way, we are at least taking a break until into January- maybe a lot longer.
Who knows.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Calling it quits-

Betas are supposed to double every 48 to 72 hours... mine did not. It went from 30 to 44 in 48 hours... most likely non-viable. Not that I'm surprised.

Now, I am asking the universe to just let it be a defective embryo, and not an ectopic. Not to sound crazy, but I would like to minimize the damages. A chromosomally abnormal embryo I can handle, I've had it before, but I don't want to deal with an ectopic. Please not the added drama of an ectopic.

And so... this is my limit. This is my breaking point. This is me calling it quits. At this point, I'm not sure I want to try embryo adoption because I can not handle going through this again. At least not anytime soon. I know things change, but for now this is how I feel. Right now, I don't ever want to be pregnant again. Maybe I will want to in a month, or a year, maybe never, who knows. But for now, fuck that shit.

I think we're going to take a break from attempting any paths to parenthood for awhile. It's been a really long, and hard, two and a half years. And I am just... done. I can't do this anymore. I can't.

I know now that a biological child is something that I can not have, and am not sure I even want anymore... not at this price. And as much as I want to adopt, I know we can't right now. So where does that leave us?

Babyless, childless, and probably suffering our third loss.

On a break- until further notice.

More news to come Monday, when I get poked again for a repeat beta... fucking hell.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Should I be happy-

First of all.. I'm still spotting, for what that's worth.

This morning, Nurse calls me. She tells me my beta from 13dpo came back at 30, her voice all excited, and she tells me I am pregnant.

Yeah, you actually expect me to get on the happy train with you nurse? Um, no. Don't know if you actually read my chart, but see I've been here twice before- and neither time did I make it to the desired destination.

I shall refrain from getting on the happy train, mmmkay? If I have a good doubling beta, and make it past 6 weeks this time, if we see a heartbeat... maybe I will join you. But, don't hold your breath on that one.

I go in for a repeat beta on Friday. Should get the results by that evening.

I better not miscarry on Thanksgiving. That's the smallest favor I'm asking from the cosmos. If I stay "pregnant" I will be 5 weeks on Thanksgiving... 5 weeks seems to be about the time that things like going wrong for me. So, here's to hoping that if I miscarry it will be soon, or sometime after Thanksgiving and before Christmas. The holiday's are hard enough on their own, thank you very much.

I know I sound horribly pessimistic... but I've had two miscarriages out of two pregnancies (which, if you do the math, equals no babies). Pregnancy to me isn't what it is for so many other women. I have no faith in pregnancy, it has failed me. I have no faith in my body, it has failed me. I have no faith in the whole reproductive process, it has failed me. I know many women get pregnant, and things work out just as they should. But I have not been one of them. The most I can ask, is that if things don't work out, that they at least do so in a manner that creates the least damage. No matter what, it will cause damage... but I'm looking at the calendar and hoping the blow won't be as traumatic as it could be. Miscarrying this week, would be much less painful (both emotionally and physically) than it would be if I miscarried on Thanksgiving.

If it works out... well, that's wonderful. But if it doesn't... I don't want to have every Thanksgiving get together with our families to be a constant reminder of the little life I lost, and the turn our life never got to take, that everyone else's lives did.

I'm just saying.

I would love for it to work out- I would. But I can't let myself think of that. I've been there. I've dreamed those dreams. But the hard facts are right there in front of us- pregnancy does not always equal a baby.

Unless you've experienced the pain of loss, it's hard to imagine just how very draining it truly is. All the happiness, all the shiny glow of pregnancy, all the colors in the world- they sorta fade away. You fight, you fight so hard, to get them back- and maybe if you get pregnant and stay pregnant, maybe each day it gets a little brighter, maybe the glow grows back... but I don't know, I've never been there. For me, after the second miscarriage, the world just grew darker, every last shred of faith in pregnancy died.

Maybe it works for other people... but the fact of the matter is, for me, I have lost two babies. There are two lives I will never get to meet. I went through immense pain emotionally, and excruciating pain physically. I lost parts of myself that I will never, ever, get back. Parts of me died. Parts of me broke, and can't be repaired. Relationships were lost, and others strengthened. My life changed. I changed.

So, I know I sound like a pessimist- and who knows, maybe I am- but I want you to know where I'm coming from.

In real life, almost everyone takes miscarriages for granted, as if they are just a thing that happened... but they aren't. It changes a person, losing your baby. People assume you are still the same person after loss- and you aren't. You aren't.

This is who I am now. If I had a choice, I would still be naive like those women who get pregnant easily and carry to term with no issues... but I'm not, and there's no use dreaming I am, or pretending I am. This is who I am now. This is my life, as I know it.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I guess we wait now. I got the beta done, after much debate and dread. Hopefully the results will be in tomorrow and I can get a repeat on Friday. Maybe, depending on how things look, and how I feel. I really don't care about betas anymore, they are teasing wicked lying bitches. I know they can reassure and are good for confirmation about what is going on... but I don't like them anymore. Last pregnancy I had perfect doubling betas, they tripled at times, things looked lovely. And we know how that ended.

No, I don't have faith in betas anymore.

Spotting has definitely lessened now- and it's 14 days past the trigger, or 13dpo. I got my visit from mother nature at this point last injectable cycle. My pregnancy tests are still positive... I don't think it would still be the trigger at this point. I'm still taking my progesterone supplements in case I am pregnant.

But, I'm still not 100% that I am actually am pregnant.
I think I may be pregnant though, but I refuse to say that I am for sure.
And if I am, I still have my doubts about viability.

For those of you who are curious, here are my tests...


I will update again tomorrow when I have the results.
I kinda feel like I'm stuck on a really bad soap opera right now.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

can I get off the train now-

13 days after trigger, 12 days past ovulation, and still a positive test. Highly doubting it's the trigger, but what do I know. I'm not a professional, right? What is it with nurses at infertility clinics? Why can't I ever get a compassionate one? Why do they act like I'm a freaking nut who doesn't know how my body works? Like I'm an idiot or something. Like I haven't been through this before.

She tells me, "It's to early to tell, and it's to early for a beta to be definitive."

Bull shit. My beta at 11dpo was fucking definitive last pregnancy, and the rising time after showed that it was progressing. I don't see how doing a beta, and then a follow-up beta two days later, wouldn't be definitive in this scenerio.

I explained how my body metabolizes the trigger fast, and that I know when I ovulated (the evening of my IUI) But no, it's still too early to know for sure. I should wait till Friday, like I was supposed to. My IUI was on a Thursday, they told me two weeks after that to test. Umm, so Thursday is when they told me to test. So to add on to it, they're trying to make me wait yet another day for everything. Fucking hell.

I guess I was hysterical enough because, after she told me it sounds like the spotting just means my period is coming and the test doesn't mean anything, well then she tells me that if it will make me feel better I can get the beta.

Yeah, if it would make me feel better. She says normally they would have the patients wait, but since it's me we could go ahead. Thanks, that really helps so much.

I asked when she would be calling the order in. She seemed surprised that I wanted it today... umm, why would I be calling if I didn't want it today? She said she would have it called in within the next half hour. Oh, but shit. The lab closes at 4pm, and it was around 3:35pm when I got off the phone... and it's over a 30 minute drive with after school and rush hour traffic (for some reason rush hour starts at 4 on the interstate)... yeah, no way I could make it. And very unlikely the order would have even been in before they closed.

So I guess insensitive nurse gets her way, and I will just wait this out and see what happens.

Spotting continues. Brown. Just like I had in my last pregnancy. Of course, it could be my period on it's way. Whatever. I am so done with this. I should have waited to test, but I'm a fucking moron. Am I pregnant, am I not, do I even fucking care at this point?

Damn. I feel stupid, and gyyped, and there's this crushing weight on my chest because this is it. This was the last real try for a biological child, at least for a very very long time. And I expected failure. I did. But not like this- I expected swift quick failure like last time. Now I have to wait and see how things progress tonight into tomorrow morning, and if mean bitch shows her face or not.

Monday, November 16, 2009

It never ends-

So, after not properly testing it out I am not sure if my faint positive yesterday was because of pregnancy, or still from the trigger- I was 10 days past ovulation (dpo), otherwise known as 11 days after trigger. The last time my trigger was out 8 days later at 7dpo. So, technically it should be out.

A faint dollar tree test this morning showed a super faint positive as well. There wasn't really a line yesterday on that brand, but today there is a hard to see one. My First Response test last night definitely had a line, but it was light. I can't say it definitely wasn't the trigger though, unfortunately. So I planned on retesting today to see how that line is doing, if it went away, etc...

So I went upstairs just now to use the bathroom, and I found pink and red spotting. Great. Little late for implantation, so my guess is the end. I thought, okay, still going to test with the First Response test though... but even if it comes back positive I am still not going to hold onto any hope because all signs point to no.

So I tested... still a faint positive. Granted it was with diluted urine, but still... pretty darn faint.
Add that to my spotting and you get=

Looks like I may be adding another chemical pregnancy to my list.

Yes, yes, I know. It could very well still be viable or something or other if I really am pregnant.
I will call the doc tomorrow and annoy them about those possibilities. They probably don't want to hear it though, because they told me not to test until 14 days after my IUI.

I'm just going to curl into a ball and bawl my eyes out now.

ETA: I know it's still to early to confirm one way or another. But right now I feel like it is, and if I get my period tomorrow I will never know for sure. And that sucks big time. And it may be to early to say my period is on it's way too, except last time I had spotting at 12dpo and got my period in full force on 13dpo. Sooo... this is very similar except a day off (and except for the fact that I had negative tests on 10, 11, and 12dpo last time too) So... I am not 100%, as I said... I just feel like I know where this is going.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Here's what I'd really like to say-

Today I thought I'd get some aggression out by writing some things out I haven't yet had the gall to say (and that's probably a good thing)

So here are some of the stupid things that have been said, or asked to us, over the past 31 months of infertility... and what I wish I had said in response to them. Let's start at the beginning and work our way up, shall we?

"Now, you don't know there's something wrong yet."

"Umm, yeah I do. I don't ovulate- which I'm sure to you is a bunch of gibberish, since you had four kids accidentally (with your first at sixteen), but see this 'ovulation' thing is kinda needed if I am going to have a biological child. But thanks for basically telling me I am making shit up- way to support me mom."

"You're lucky you can't get pregnant, you're not really missing out on anything. The stretch marks are awful, vomiting, hemorrhoids..." <- said by an ex-coworker

"Hmm, just because you hated carrying your child and creating life, doesn't mean I would feel the same. But, since you mention it... I am lucky, because I know the true value of life and how precious it is. I feel sorry for you."

"It could have been worse" <- said to me after my first miscarriage "I'm infertile, and I just had a miscarriage after trying for a year- yeah, it could be so much worse. I could be trapped in a room with you and your insensitive comments for the rest of my life."

"You know, there are so many kids out there that need homes."

"Really? Why don't you fertiles adopt them then? I didn't realize it was my job to save the children."

"Well, you want to make sure you get a younger one. You don't want one of those broken ones, you know, that's been sexually abused and stuff."
<- said about adoption by an immediate family member, who was actually molested and raped as a child

"Woah. I didn't realize that kids could be 'broken'. I guess that explains what happened to you"

"My husband's parents couldn't have kids. They adopted him, and then they relaxed and popped out four." <- said by my 'friend'

"Wow, so happy for them- but, umm, remember, I have a medical condition. Do you have ADD? A memory deficit? I have told you this about a hundred times, but you seem to just keep forgetting... maybe you need to relax, then you'll be able to remember better. It is a cure all, right? Will it cure my aunt's cancer too?"

"I kinda wish I was infertile."

"I kinda wish I was an insensitive prick like you. Then I would be able to tell you where to shove it, and how far to ram it up there."

"I told you it would happen!" <- said by my 'friend' when we found out we were pregnant the second time, after trying for two years

"Wow, I didn't know it happened because you said it would. I thought it happened because of all the pills I took, and all the sex I had with my husband."

"You know, there's nothing wrong with adoption" <- said by my my father-in-law to my husband after our second miscarriage

"Really? Did not know that. What the hell was I thinking- why have I been reading books about adoption and researching agencies and policies... the only important thing to know about it, is that there's nothing wrong with it. I must be over thinking this shit! I probably just need to relax."

"Is the reason you don't hang out with me so much because I have my baby? You know, I didn't plan him." <- said by my 'friend', who by the way stopped birth control to get pregnant, so... umm... he was planned

"No, I don't hang out with you because you're an insensitive bitch." That's it for today. I may have more of these post in the future, because it felt really good to get that out! Probably not very good though, since I just unleashed my extreme negativity into the wild... but hey, it had to go somewhere.

Monday, November 9, 2009


I've started several blog posts this week, and saved them with the intent to publish- but never saw them through. I'm just a bit distracted I guess, perhaps intentionally so.

It probably helps that I haven't, and as a matter of fact still do not, feel well. The HCG trigger shot was kicking my ass with heartburn, then (what I believe was) ovulation felt like my ovaries had just went ahead and exploded in my abdominal cavity- leaving lots of fluid and shrapnel behind. My lower abdomen feels like it's been beaten, like it is bruised and trying like hell to mend. It was awful Thursday night and all of Friday, but it got better over the weekend. It's still sore though, and now only my ovary area hurts. I suppose I should be thankful for that. They do still hurt, still feel enlarged and uncomfortable- but I'll take it.

I've been trying to ignore my wait here. I am not the most optimistic, as I've said a hundred times, but I am anxious to know one way or another. I plan on testing on Monday the 16th- I should be 11 days past ovulation (dpo) by then. I got my positive tests at 11dpo with both of my last pregnancies, so we'll see. I know it's still early, but if it's negative I will be all the more prepared for it by the early testing- rather than waiting for my confirmation. But that's just me, we all have our preferences. I bought three dollar store tests, and don't plan on buying any more. I'm not even testing the trigger out this time, I am assuming it will be out by 8 or 9 days like before.

My in-laws normally have Thanksgiving at one of the parent's houses, since they're divorced. They threw us a curve ball this year though, and my sister-in-law is having it at her new house, with her family and her husband's family in attendance. Hmm, we've never had it at our house. Wonder why. Because we didn't suggest it? Because we were vegetarians? Because we have no kids? Because no one really likes us?

I'm probably just being bitchy, but we've been married three years- and they're newly weds. We've had our house for three years, the house my husband and his siblings grew up in, by the way- and no one even visits us here, don't call, don't say much to us when they do see us.

We weren't planning on going anyway, but they didn't know that. We found out they switched who was hosting it, because his sister called and asked what she could make for us to eat- yeah, we've been eating fish and turkey for awhile now, but no one knows this because they don't talk to us, so she thinks we're still strict vegetarians. Whatever.

She'll probably announce she's pregnant or something. I did the math... they're newly weds, he has a seven year old from a previous relationship and she has none yet, they just bought a house, they're having the get together at their house with all their family... seems logical to me, but it could be my infertile mind seeing things that aren't there.

But, I am an angry infertile bitch who hates kids- right?

On that note, I'm still having issues with my stupid friend. I told her we needed to just sit down in person and talk about our issues, (because I wasn't going to type it all out and have a drag out fight with messages, even though she was all for it, as she was sending me angry assualting texts and messages online... umm, grow up)... but then I had my IUI and blew her off, because my ovaries were exploding and I didn't want to deal with her drama. And I mean it is ridiculous. She is being absolutely ridiculous- I've known her for over 17 years now, but I can't take much more of this crap.

Re-reading this... yup, I am extremely bitchy. I apologize for the excessive whiny-ness and use of swear words; I do try to tone it down usually. But, I'm just in one of those moods right now.

I had to take my cat with FIV to the vet. FIV is an immuno disease, like HIV in humans, so he can't fight off the simplest things. Well, he had the sniffles, which turned into the eyes/nose/mouth leakage crap... so he got shot up with high dose antibiotics, I have vitamins to give him, eye antibiotic, and ear drops (because to top it off he has ear mites again) Poor baby, he hates me when I come up to give him meds. But then he's all in my face trying to curl into my arms when we go to sleep... such a dork. Hopefully being aggressive with his treatment, he will get better.

Unfortunately, eventually illnesses and the disease itself taking a turn for the worse can be fatal for FIV cats. Lets hope that day is not today- I am optimistic that he will be on the mend, and have a long full life ahead of him. Until then though, he'll have to bear with me as I give him all those unpleasant medications. Poor boy.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Done and done

The IUI is over... the wait has begun. Count and motility were once again inspiring, and yet depressing- because it's yet another reminder of how awesome my husband's reproductive capabilities could have been, if he hadn't fallen in love with me. But, moving on...

Speaking of moving on, this is our last injectable cycle and our last IUI- it's kinda hitting me just now, today. I mean, yes, we may come back to this somewhere down the road in our lives... very very far down the road... but for now, this is it. We are going to be done for awhile.

When we fail this cycle (shh, I know we might not- but seriously? not holding my breath on any other outcome at this point) Anyway, when we fail we will take the rest of the year off on birth control pills probably, because we all know I will have a maze of leftover cysts.

Then we may try another cycle of Clomid, this time with Dexamethasone... just for shits and giggles, mind you, because it's cheap and it's sort of a "why not" type of situation. But then we'll probably be starting the embryo adoption process early in next year... of course, right now I am not as sure about that as I once was.

It's not that my heart has changed- I am still very much into it and excited- but our financial situation may be changing again. My husband really hates his current job, but he stays there for many reasons which all boil down to necessity. Right now though, I am thinking the cons are outweighing the pros, and maybe it's time to move on. I graduate college next month, and will be looking for a "real job" that's more sustainable than my current one.

Which is a shame... I love my current job, as crazy as it gets sometimes, but the hours and pay are too little to live on. My best hope as far as that goes, is that I can find a job that is as rewarding as my current one and covers the bills (which is probably asking a lot). No one in my family has ever graduated college before, and no one ever had a career either... I'm in uncharted territory with no one to turn to. It's kinda scary; it reminds me of the day I went down to the campus and filed all my paperwork for admission on my own. Except, of course, this is ten times more intimidating.

So, long story short... we may be having a cost of living versus amount of income upheaval, and things are just really sketchy. I don't plan on calling the clinic about getting on their waiting list until I know for sure we are going to be able to go through with it... and I know this pushes things back even further, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I'm hoping things work themselves out, if not the way I want them to, then at least in the way they need to.

Life is up in the air right now- we have some major discussions and planning to consider, but we have time to make the decisions we need to. Nothing is absolutely urgent yet, but we do need to figure something out soon.

I kind of feel like I am standing at the ledge of a great precipice- behind me is a land of the known, the comforting- but before me there is a great expanse of possibility.

The question isn't whether I jump, but rather how I am going to land.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Today there was a 17.4 (Maybe- it's at a weird angle. She measured it twice yesterday and it came out as 17 and the second time as 19... she only measured it once today.) then two 15's. On the left, the 14 grew to a 16.5. So there are 2 to 4 mature follicles depending on if you think the 15's can catch up (not holding my breath). I think my lining was 10...

So, we triggered. It is done.

I have an IUI scheduled for tomorrow morning... but I gotta tell you I am not feeling it.
Of course that doesn't come as a surprise to any of you, huh?

At least this will all be over before Thanksgiving... I will be TTC free that week, one way or another, and able to relax. I wasn't planning on stressing the holiday too much anyway. I'm going to be working that morning- remember I work in a domestic violence shelter, and someone needs to be there 24/7... I get to spend it with the women there, get paid double time, avoid the in-laws, and no one will say anything about it because of where I work.

I win.

I did this last year too.
I really dislike the way my in-laws treat me and my husband. Even if I hadn't offered to work the holiday, we wouldn't be going to see them anyway. At least this way, there's less friction when we tell them we can't make it.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Hmm, how did that happen

Umm, so yeah. I may be triggering tomorrow. Already.

I had three mature follicles today, and a trailing 14. I am going to stim one more night, see if we can get that 14 bigger, and then probably trigger tomorrow morning after one last follicle check.

It was a complete shock for me, I thought we'd be stimming until at least Friday. Oh well, I suppose we will see what happens.

With my luck, they could all reabsorb by tomorrow morning.
Ha ha ha (<- note the sarcasm)

Me- bitter and jaded? Noooo. What would make you think that?

Sunday, November 1, 2009


Well, monitoring appointment went well enough. Didn't get my E2, but there are three follicles trying to take the lead. Of course, with my ovaries that certainly doesn't always mean a thing. But we'll see. I go back Tuesday to have another look-see.

I am exhausted, I have been entertaining people all weekend. We had a Halloween get together, and it was awesome to spend time with my friends and enjoy ourselves. Of course, it was a lot of work and I am ready to curl into a ball and sleep all week... wish I could.

I am having issues with a friend of mine, and don't know how to resolve them. I didn't invite her to my small get together- I only had two people over- and she feels very slighted. She is convinced it's because of her baby- because I am just the crazy infertile who hates people with babies, didn't you know.

I know she doesn't mean it like that, but I'm having some other issues with her too and she just keeps bringing this up. There are other issues, that even if I explained to her I know she wouldn't understand at all. I've tried to touch on them before, but she just does not even try to understand where I am coming from. I'm not going to get into it... but it's a huge mess.

Ungh, she sent me several angry text messages because I didn't invite her to my get together. Not just one, but several. I didn't think what I did was so bad, was it? There were a lot of people I didn't invite. Seriously.

Can I scream? I don't understand social crap at all, really.

Sorry, non-trying to concieve rant over and out.