Sunday, November 30, 2014

5 months

We are still here... it's still crazy... but we're still making it through each day, so I can't really complain. The girls are 5 months old today. We are still nursing. J is still my fussy one, and had even further regressed with sleep. I don't know if it's because she's teething (I see two teeth buds on the bottom), or something else is going on, but whew. WHEW. I just can not recover here.

I did Holiday photos the other day... I thought some turned out nice, I'll share a couple here. Most of them were photobombed by the cats, but eh. Good enough, hahaha. The cats are family too, so it works... right?

Friday, November 14, 2014

Kids, life, and all that

Thanks for all the kind words on my last post. Things are still very hard, but every day we get through is... well, another day we get through!

The girls turned 4 months a couple weeks ago now. They've grown so much. J is rolling a lot, and G is a grabber. G is almost an inch and 2lbs more than J now, she loves to eat and sleep. J is our wild child, she is wiry and fierce. By the end of this month I'm going to have to move G into 6-9 month clothes, J has been about a month behind wardrobe switches so she'll probably make it until mid-December before she needs to. They babble a lot, and notice each other more each day. They love V, he amuses them to no end.

They had their first Halloween, it was cold and wet so we stayed in and passed out candy. V enjoyed going door to door with daddy though. J was Supergirl, G was Batgirl, and V was Spiderman- my superhero troupe.
J and G

We've went to the zoo a lot in the past couple months; V asks to go every single day but it's a bit of a drive and always quite the ordeal! We've been going about once every week or two though. It's really nice to get out of the house, and there's no comparison for how happy it makes that kid. Now that it's cooler we won't be going for awhile. He plays pretend at home though, he sets up his own little zoo and pretend dinosaur boat ride, and he has to show me. We have to go through his little zoo. He has quite the imagination.
V & the T-rex

V does throw a lot of tantrums, makes a lot of messes, and can be a handful. He doesn't focus very well still, has poor listening skills, and he is very independent. By that I mean he wants to just run off and explore, and isn't afraid of anything (except large stuffed costume characters). He is an unstoppable force. He can be very focused, when he chooses to be. He tests boundaries like it's his business, and business is good right now. He's doing so much better than when the girls first came home, but it's still chaos. I feel like we're doing okay most days, but some days I just feel like a failure. Hopefully as we keep working on things it will improve.

He has been having night terrors about 1-3 times a month, and those are really disconcerting. He hasn't had one for a few weeks (knock on wood) and I hope it stays that way. He usually starts screaming, "Nooooooo!" or, "Mommmy!" and thrashing for a good 10-30 minutes, just screaming and crying in his sleep. After I learned how to deal with them it's gone better, the first few times we tried to wake him because we didn't know what was happening. Now I just turn his nightlight on and talk softly to him, and it's over on the quicker end of the spectrum. There is a family history on both sides, so he was at higher risk for them. They suck so much though. The fewer we have to deal with, the better!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Life these days...

People keep asking me how I am, my go to response is simply, "Exhausted." We chuckle, and then skip over to whatever they wanted to talk about.

I try to keep up, but while they're talking I'm usually wrangling a child, nursing, washing dishes, or trying to watch TV during my very limited "me" time. The truth is... things have been hard. I am exhausted from the moment I wake up, until the moment I go down. A toddler and infant twins is hard work. Work I love and would not trade for the world, but I also feel like I'm imploding. My walls are breaking down, I snap more at everyone, I am physically and mentally exhausted, I'm having trouble putting sentences together sometimes, my reserves are just depleted. I'm hoping I can get some "me" time soon, even if it's just a hair cut, because right now all I get is a daily shower and if I'm very lucky an hour while all the kids nap at the same time. I'm having one of those rare moments right now.

It's not even the cleaning, because let's be honest... I'm lucky if I get the dishes washed every day. And I have to get the dishes washed (no dishwashing machine) otherwise I can't make dinner. It's more... the feeling of constantly being needed, of never getting time to turn off my awareness. Awareness of where the kids are, are they okay, who needs food, who needs changed, who needs their clothes changed, who needs bathed, who needs.... always who needs what. I often forget about my own needs... I would forget to shower if my hair wasn't so greasy (yay hormones) and I wasn't breastfeeding.

I forget a lot these days. Blood work was fine, my doctor thinks it's just mental exhaustion- if it gets worse, come back in. In the meantime, well, I'm really absentminded. Until I get better... or I don't. I say the opposite word sometimes, forget the word I'm looking for, etc.. It's unnerving.

I am not complaining. I love my children, and I love our life. I am just swamped, with very little help. I'm trying to remind myself that this phase will pass... probably sooner than I want it too. A goes above and beyond helping me with the kids, but I'm still here alone with all the kids half the day. I'm the only one who can feed the girls since we're breastfeeding. Our families don't really have anything to do with us. A couple of them might visit the kids for an hour or two, but that doesn't help me at all... it just means our daily routine gets disrupted, and I might have to clean.

It's not all doom and gloom, honest. I get giggles, and coos, in the morning I get the most beautiful smiles. V makes me laugh so much my sides hurt some nights. Watching them grow, and start to interact with each other, is the greatest privilege in the world. These children are worth the struggle I went through to have them, and what I'm going through right now.

I just need a chance to recharge.