Thursday, November 19, 2009

Should I be happy-

First of all.. I'm still spotting, for what that's worth.

This morning, Nurse calls me. She tells me my beta from 13dpo came back at 30, her voice all excited, and she tells me I am pregnant.

Yeah, you actually expect me to get on the happy train with you nurse? Um, no. Don't know if you actually read my chart, but see I've been here twice before- and neither time did I make it to the desired destination.

I shall refrain from getting on the happy train, mmmkay? If I have a good doubling beta, and make it past 6 weeks this time, if we see a heartbeat... maybe I will join you. But, don't hold your breath on that one.

I go in for a repeat beta on Friday. Should get the results by that evening.

I better not miscarry on Thanksgiving. That's the smallest favor I'm asking from the cosmos. If I stay "pregnant" I will be 5 weeks on Thanksgiving... 5 weeks seems to be about the time that things like going wrong for me. So, here's to hoping that if I miscarry it will be soon, or sometime after Thanksgiving and before Christmas. The holiday's are hard enough on their own, thank you very much.

I know I sound horribly pessimistic... but I've had two miscarriages out of two pregnancies (which, if you do the math, equals no babies). Pregnancy to me isn't what it is for so many other women. I have no faith in pregnancy, it has failed me. I have no faith in my body, it has failed me. I have no faith in the whole reproductive process, it has failed me. I know many women get pregnant, and things work out just as they should. But I have not been one of them. The most I can ask, is that if things don't work out, that they at least do so in a manner that creates the least damage. No matter what, it will cause damage... but I'm looking at the calendar and hoping the blow won't be as traumatic as it could be. Miscarrying this week, would be much less painful (both emotionally and physically) than it would be if I miscarried on Thanksgiving.

If it works out... well, that's wonderful. But if it doesn't... I don't want to have every Thanksgiving get together with our families to be a constant reminder of the little life I lost, and the turn our life never got to take, that everyone else's lives did.

I'm just saying.

I would love for it to work out- I would. But I can't let myself think of that. I've been there. I've dreamed those dreams. But the hard facts are right there in front of us- pregnancy does not always equal a baby.

Unless you've experienced the pain of loss, it's hard to imagine just how very draining it truly is. All the happiness, all the shiny glow of pregnancy, all the colors in the world- they sorta fade away. You fight, you fight so hard, to get them back- and maybe if you get pregnant and stay pregnant, maybe each day it gets a little brighter, maybe the glow grows back... but I don't know, I've never been there. For me, after the second miscarriage, the world just grew darker, every last shred of faith in pregnancy died.

Maybe it works for other people... but the fact of the matter is, for me, I have lost two babies. There are two lives I will never get to meet. I went through immense pain emotionally, and excruciating pain physically. I lost parts of myself that I will never, ever, get back. Parts of me died. Parts of me broke, and can't be repaired. Relationships were lost, and others strengthened. My life changed. I changed.

So, I know I sound like a pessimist- and who knows, maybe I am- but I want you to know where I'm coming from.

In real life, almost everyone takes miscarriages for granted, as if they are just a thing that happened... but they aren't. It changes a person, losing your baby. People assume you are still the same person after loss- and you aren't. You aren't.

This is who I am now. If I had a choice, I would still be naive like those women who get pregnant easily and carry to term with no issues... but I'm not, and there's no use dreaming I am, or pretending I am. This is who I am now. This is my life, as I know it.


Tara said...

Praying for you.

Jessi Wallace said...

Third time's a charm. :) Hugs to you and good luck! Keep us updated! I look forward to following this journey with you!!!

Celia said...

I am hoping cautiously. How could you not try to protect your heart? I am thinking of you, and your precious possibility.

Anonymous said...

As someone who has m\c 3 times myself I understand SOME of your fears and emotions. I am in NO WAY AT ALL comparing us. Your pain is much deeper than mine. You are a very strong women to have continued on this journey. I can only say I am praying so hard for you.

MK said...

"All the happiness, all the shiny glow of pregnancy, all the colors in the world- they sorta fade away."

That is so so depressingly true. I'm still waiting for that happiness and glow to come back. And the colors, well, they're still pretty drab on most days.

Anyway, enough of that! Oh how I hope third time's a charm! I wish I could fastfoward the next few weeks for you. Stick, baby, stick!

Bluebird said...

I get it. And it breaks my heart for you. And I am so, so sorry that this is your reality. Feel however you need to feel and, if it's okay with you, I'll be your cheerleader behind the scenes :)

((Hugs)) honey. You will be so wrapped in my thoughts over the coming days and weeks.

Anonymous said...

Oh your post rings so true for me. I felt like that after my 4th BFFP, you want to be hopeful, enjoy that shiny new pregnany glow but know that you can't, you've experienced miscarriage and that means no BFFP is ever going to be the same again.

I'm praying and keeping everything crossed for you hon, maybe 3rd time is the charm? Tho I want to kick my own arse for even typing that...

Big hugs xxx

G$ said...

Waiting with you, hoping things work out well

Michelle said...

I know this feeling all too well! Whenever I see the much awaited and wanted 2 lines I immediately start crying and shaking from fear. 4 times I have seen it and 4 times it has ended in disaster. I am praying that the 3rd time is a charm for you! ((HUGS))

Elizabeth said...

PRaying for you

The Steadfast Warrior said...

Oh how I know this! Yes, things could go wrong. But they could also go right- I'ma good example. You're approaching this in the best you can to protect yourself. It's perfectly understandable and normal given the circumstances.

Hang in there. One day, one step at a a time.

Thinking of you and wishing for the happiest of outcomes.

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm right there with you on the "if the universe is going to make my life miserable, please try to do it at a more convenient time than holiday/birthday/anniversary." That would just add insult to injury and no one is ever up for that.

That being said, I'll say a prayer for some doubling betas, a quiet week 5, the return of hope, and a wonderful and joyous weeks 6-40 for you.

Sharpiegirl said...

WOW! You put into words exactly how I feel. We just lost our 2nd a couple of weeks ago and since I was already ovulating again when I went back for my 2 week checkup following the d&c we have my Dr's blessing to start trying again.

We keep losing the heartbeat around the 8 week mark and no one can tell us why.

I truely hope and pray if it doesn't go well that it does it before the holiday or after so you aren't reminded every year of what could have been.
I will be praying and hoping even harder that the third time is the charm.

Sweet Georgia said...

Do what you need to do to protect your heart. It is totally understandable. I am praying for a different outcome for you.

Anonymous said...

It is scary and nerve wracking, I know. I'm cautiously hopeful for you and will be thinking of you all day. I hope you get great beta doubling news this afternoon.

Kristin said...

Sweetie, you would be crazy if you were happy now. Anyone who has had multiple losses would tell you that what you are feeling is normal and is a self-protective mechanism. Good luck and I'm praying for you.

Celia said...

I'm just checking in on you boo.

Jem said...

I totally get your cautiously optimistic approach. Just know that you have a ton of people rooting for you on the internetz.