Thursday, November 5, 2009

Done and done

The IUI is over... the wait has begun. Count and motility were once again inspiring, and yet depressing- because it's yet another reminder of how awesome my husband's reproductive capabilities could have been, if he hadn't fallen in love with me. But, moving on...

Speaking of moving on, this is our last injectable cycle and our last IUI- it's kinda hitting me just now, today. I mean, yes, we may come back to this somewhere down the road in our lives... very very far down the road... but for now, this is it. We are going to be done for awhile.

When we fail this cycle (shh, I know we might not- but seriously? not holding my breath on any other outcome at this point) Anyway, when we fail we will take the rest of the year off on birth control pills probably, because we all know I will have a maze of leftover cysts.

Then we may try another cycle of Clomid, this time with Dexamethasone... just for shits and giggles, mind you, because it's cheap and it's sort of a "why not" type of situation. But then we'll probably be starting the embryo adoption process early in next year... of course, right now I am not as sure about that as I once was.

It's not that my heart has changed- I am still very much into it and excited- but our financial situation may be changing again. My husband really hates his current job, but he stays there for many reasons which all boil down to necessity. Right now though, I am thinking the cons are outweighing the pros, and maybe it's time to move on. I graduate college next month, and will be looking for a "real job" that's more sustainable than my current one.

Which is a shame... I love my current job, as crazy as it gets sometimes, but the hours and pay are too little to live on. My best hope as far as that goes, is that I can find a job that is as rewarding as my current one and covers the bills (which is probably asking a lot). No one in my family has ever graduated college before, and no one ever had a career either... I'm in uncharted territory with no one to turn to. It's kinda scary; it reminds me of the day I went down to the campus and filed all my paperwork for admission on my own. Except, of course, this is ten times more intimidating.

So, long story short... we may be having a cost of living versus amount of income upheaval, and things are just really sketchy. I don't plan on calling the clinic about getting on their waiting list until I know for sure we are going to be able to go through with it... and I know this pushes things back even further, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I'm hoping things work themselves out, if not the way I want them to, then at least in the way they need to.

Life is up in the air right now- we have some major discussions and planning to consider, but we have time to make the decisions we need to. Nothing is absolutely urgent yet, but we do need to figure something out soon.

I kind of feel like I am standing at the ledge of a great precipice- behind me is a land of the known, the comforting- but before me there is a great expanse of possibility.

The question isn't whether I jump, but rather how I am going to land.


Bluebird said...

I hate nothing more than uncertainity, I'm so sorry you're facing so much.

But so many congratulations on graduating college! What an awesome accomplishment.

Shelby said...

It sounds like there are a lot of changes ahead and although you're not optimistic about one that involves a BFP, I'm still really hoping this for you. But I totally understand your reticence to embrace it.

The unknown has always been harder for me than the bad events of the past. Keeping you in my thoughts as the holiday and a new year with new possibilities approaches!

Kristin said...

I hope the landing is smooth and the possibilities are endless. And, I really, really hope you don't have to worry about donor embryos and such.

Michelle said...

I have everything crossed for you. Hopefully this will work and you won't have to make all those other decisions. If not I hope that whatever you decide that it goes smoothly. I know how much it sucks to want to do something but not be able to afford it. UGH!

'Murgdan' said...

Sending you all the best thoughts and wishes in the world--even if I know you aren't feelin' it (and I get that too).

S said...

How great that you will soon have your degree! My sister and I were the first in our family to graduate college, so I know a little about how you may feel, being a bit of a trailblazer.

FX for you with this IUI! SOMEONE must get pregnant from them, else the documented success rates would be zero. Right?! That's what I tell myself. . . .