Monday, August 27, 2012

8 months-

V is 8 months old today. It's been a crazy month. In the last week alone he's started crawling, trying to crawl up stuff to stand, he got his first tooth, and his second tooth. He also had his first allergic reaction to something he ate; I'm still trying to figure out if it was the blueberries or his peach yogurt melts. He got a rash on his arms and legs from it, so there's that. Ugh. He also got a diaper rash this week, and his eye seems to have gotten irritated/infected again from his clogged duct.

I wish that would clear up already, if it still hasn't by his 9 month appointment we're getting referred to an eye doctor for evaluation. They may have to do a procedure to fix it. It's very frustrating. Every time he needs eye antibiotic he fights us like crazy, so I have the hardest time giving him the ointment.

So, that was just the last week, if that gives you any indication for how things have been! We have our hands full.

He's definitely gotten the hang of sitting on his own, and army crawling. He just started actual crawling, so he's doing a combination of real crawling and scooting right now.

He loves books. He really loves mommy and daddy's books, he really wants to figure out how they work. He's just fascinated by them. He likes his books too, but it's chunky cardboard pages aren't as cool as regular paper pages. Well, the love of books has to start somewhere. Ha.

I still haven't moved him to his crib yet. I'm really in no hurry. I like having him in the room with us, it's easier when he wakes up in the wee hours of the morning (which, with how he's been feeling this past week has been ongoing). I probably should move him sometime in the next couple months... but it'll happen when it happens.

We tried some finger foods... that hasn't gone well. He's not very interested in them, he prefers his purees. When I gave him Puffs or some toast, he generally makes yucky faces and tried to push it out. Eh. He did go to town on some banana when I offered it to him, which was weird because he won't eat mashed banana. He's just not ready for the finger foods, I guess. He still can't figure out sippy cups either, I think we may try a different type.

Regardless, he's growing great and I'm not worried.

I don't know how my baby has gotten so big. He's in 9 months clothes right now, but fits some 12 month clothes too. December feels like it's going to be here before we know it too, which with all the holidays coming up fast it probably will. The end of the year always feels like it just flies by. How is it already the end of August?!

Friday, August 17, 2012

August 17 Weigh in

This month I finally made it below 200lbs... I am so proud of myself!

I've been jogging 2 miles 3-4 times a week, at 3mph. I then walk a half mile to cool down. In the last two weeks I started doing yoga and using my exercise ball on my non-jogging days. It feels good. I always forget how much I enjoy yoga, I mean I remember that it felt nice but I always forget just how much I love it. After my first day of that my arms and chest were killing me, but in a good way. I've worked out the soreness since then, and as long as I don't miss a day I should be good. I like that it's not as intense as the jogging it, it's more relaxing and uses muscles I rarely have occasion to stretch or work otherwise. The ball exercises are simple for now, just crunches squats, and push-ups. Eventually I might add my old extensive workout, but for now this works. It only takes 15-20 minutes, I can do it while V is napping, and it helps clear my tensions.

At my weigh in this morning the scale said 197.2lbs! That is a 29.8lb loss since March, or a 52.8lb loss since January 2011. I lost 7.4lbs this month... so, a little better progress than the last few months even.

Since March 17, 2012:
Weight lost: 29.8lbs
Inches off hips: 7
Inches off waist: 6.5

Since February 7, 2011 I've lost a total of 10.5 inches off my waist. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, but I definitely am. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Minor updates-

- V rediscovered squealing, again, and has been doing it for days now. It's cute, but it's also ear piercingly loud. He just scrreeeeaaammmss... then smiles. He is so silly sometimes. He's also army crawling now, and he figured out how to sit on his own. He's getting so mobile, it's crazy. I have my hands full, in the most awesome way.

- We've been doing a lot of home repairs/cleaning, I'm decluttering and it's exhausting. I can only get so much done while I'm taking care of Mr. Squeally-Pants though. But we're making progress

- The issue with the numbness in my toes resolved with the Prednisone. Thank goodness. I guess if it starts up again, I'll be headed back to the doctor for more. It's very frustrating, but not surprising. My lower back is starting to hurt really bad again, so I might end up going back sooner rather than later. Let's hope not though.

- If you recall, I was taking a month off of birth control pills this month because my body has been acting insane. Not having to worry about them, or a long lasting unexpected bleed, has been pretty nice. I apparently ovulated this past month, I was charting my basal body temperature (we're preventing right now, but I wanted to be aware of what my body was doing)- I think it was around cycle day 16, or it could have been 18. Regardless, I started a new cycle today on cycle day 30.

- It's nice to know that I can function correctly, on occasion.

- I go back to my gynecologist on the 29th, so hopefully I'll be restarting birth control pills then. And hopefully I'll find one that works better for me. I really would like to stay on them until we decide to try to conceive again. I think it will be for the best, as far as keeping my PCOS in check and preventing until then. The fact that I managed to ovulate this month just confirms that for me. I always have better results after being on them for a few months. I might as well stay on them until we're ready in that case. However, if I have issues with every single brand I try... ugh. I'll deal with that if it happens.

- If I keep losing 7lbs a month, I could meet my goal weight by March. How awesome would that be?! Yeah, I'm thinking too far ahead, but darn it- I'm excited. You know whose under 200lbs now? THIS GIRL. Oh yeah! I'll most more details about my weight loss progress on the 17th though, when I give my monthly update. Needless to say, I'm pleased with myself. For the moment. Heh.

Monday, August 13, 2012


Last weekend we went to a birthday party for one of my nieces. While we were there we saw my brother and his family. We went thinking he wouldn't show, because he never does for their birthday parties. We were wrong.

My oldest brother and I have a difficult relationship. There were a lot of things that happened in the past that I'm going to leave there. In the present though, he's said things to me during our struggle with infertility that hurt very badly. After the first miscarriage and our induction to fertility treatments, he told me that he wishes he was infertile. Him and his ex-girlfriend often joked about how we should take their children, then we wouldn't want kids. This was always at family gatherings, Christmas or Thanksgiving... because that's honestly the only time we ever saw them.

So, he came to us as we were leaving and chatted with us. He asked how I was enjoying motherhood, and I said something about how it was wonderful. He proceeded to tell me that the novelty wears off after awhile.

My brother has no clue.

He has two older sisters, one who just adopted, one who suffered a still birth, and then he has me, his little sister... yet he still doesn't grasp that some of us would do anything for our children. He never actually stopped to consider how we might feel. Or maybe he's just projecting his own feelings about his experience, his children were not planned, and came at a bad time in his relationship both times. I know he loves his children, but it makes me wonder if he's harboring some resentment.

See, I don't believe that the novelty of having children ever wears off. I look forward to having another child, god willing, because I would love to do this all over again. I'm excited and planning on things to come, thinking about all the things I want to share with V, places I want to take him, things I want to do with him, experiences I want to share. I didn't go through what I did just because I wanted a baby, I did it because I wanted to be a parent. Yes, I wanted the experience of having a baby, but the things I look forward to the most is experiencing life with him, taking him on trips with us, snuggling while having a movie night, playing board games, camping, building forts, going for bike rides, hiking... getting to know him, and growing with him. To me, this is an amazing time, but there is still so much more to come.

So, no, I don't believe that the novelty is going to wear off. Motherhood isn't perfect, we have our bad days, and it's hard- but I never expected it to be easy. I knew what I was getting into, and I did it anyway, because it's worth it. This is the life I wanted, and I know how close I came to never having it. My son is my dream come true. I know we'll have hardships ahead, that things aren't always going to be so simple, we'll have bad days, and good days... but they'll be our days, and that's all I could ask for.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Unexpected grief-

I was snuggling with V on the couch yesterday. He's getting so big, and with it so mobile. The snuggling doesn't happen often. I was looking at him, and marveling again (like I do everyday) at how perfect he is. From his cute little nose, his mischievous grin, to that glint he gets in his eyes when he chuckles. I thought, "My god, we are so lucky."

And just like that, I got hit with a sudden wave of grief. I just started sobbing. It's the first time I've cried tears of grief in such a long time now. He's so amazing; I can't help but wonder... what would the others have been like?

Most days I don't even think about the miscarriages, except in fleeting thoughts. I don't break down about them anymore. I don't sob hysterically for everything we lost, could still lose, or might never be. Most days, I spend wrapped in the world of V- changing him, feeding him, bathing him, playing with him, keeping him amused, cuddled, close. The rare moments when he naps, I find myself scouring the house. Then, when midnight hits us, we all tumble into bed exhausted. It feels like grief doesn't fit into our new life... but assuredly it does.

Sometimes I feel like I've been neglecting it. Like it's something I should be tending, another pet begging for attention, and getting ignored. Except, it isn't as demanding as it used to be. It asks for less and less of me. It's still there though. Most people can't see it anymore. As if my grief is a specter, living in the chambers of my heart. Hidden within me.

Who would they have been? Did I ever have a daughter, no matter how briefly? What is there left for me to hold on to?

Where else can they exist, if not in my heart.

I cried for a minute, maybe two. V grabbed my face and tried to snatch my glasses. I wiped my eyes, smiled at him, and said, "No."

He giggled.