I started this post a few days ago, but can't seem to finish vetting it out. So I'll just post what I got... but forewarning, this isn't a complete coherent post.
See, I feel like the second loss is in some ways easier to deal with (since I had something tangible to see on the screen) and in some ways harder on me (because I had something to see when I miscarried...) My first miscarriage was a chemical, so I didn't have anything visual to hold onto in any regard- and this last time, it was different. And I still don't know exactly how to feel about it, except to keep grieving and let it roll in and roll out in waves, until I can be at peace with it.
But it's not so simple as that, there's also dealing with what the second one meant. One miscarriage may be bad luck, but two consecutive losses (even if they were a year apart)... some days the first loss of innocence seems like it was the hardest, and then others it was the complete loss of innocence that seems the worst.
Most days, the second one seems like a dim memory. Conceived the day before my birthday, too good to be true... the miscarriage itself was slightly blurry from the vicodin (but not enough of a blur, because it is very vivid and I try not to think about it at all if I can help it... I have never been in so much physical pain in my life) It went slowly, yet it is all one lump in my memory... and I think part of the problem about it anymore is that I am just so jaded.
I really am. I believe that I can not ovulate, can not get pregnant anymore, can not carry to term- and I need to believe this, otherwise I will just get hurt more when they come true. And they do, they keep happening, and I can't handle these extreme measures of failure anymore. I know it sounds callous to not believe, not have any faith- but I can't do that anymore. I can't get my hopes up and have them crushed, time and time again.