Monday, October 26, 2009

Miscarriages- each unique and heart breaking

I started this post a few days ago, but can't seem to finish vetting it out. So I'll just post what I got... but forewarning, this isn't a complete coherent post.

See, I feel like the second loss is in some ways easier to deal with (since I had something tangible to see on the screen) and in some ways harder on me (because I had something to see when I miscarried...) My first miscarriage was a chemical, so I didn't have anything visual to hold onto in any regard- and this last time, it was different. And I still don't know exactly how to feel about it, except to keep grieving and let it roll in and roll out in waves, until I can be at peace with it.

But it's not so simple as that, there's also dealing with what the second one meant. One miscarriage may be bad luck, but two consecutive losses (even if they were a year apart)... some days the first loss of innocence seems like it was the hardest, and then others it was the complete loss of innocence that seems the worst.

Most days, the second one seems like a dim memory. Conceived the day before my birthday, too good to be true... the miscarriage itself was slightly blurry from the vicodin (but not enough of a blur, because it is very vivid and I try not to think about it at all if I can help it... I have never been in so much physical pain in my life) It went slowly, yet it is all one lump in my memory... and I think part of the problem about it anymore is that I am just so jaded.

I really am. I believe that I can not ovulate, can not get pregnant anymore, can not carry to term- and I need to believe this, otherwise I will just get hurt more when they come true. And they do, they keep happening, and I can't handle these extreme measures of failure anymore. I know it sounds callous to not believe, not have any faith- but I can't do that anymore. I can't get my hopes up and have them crushed, time and time again.


Parenthood For Me said...

Sending you hugs.

Michelle said...

My 2nd was my hardest because it was the ectopic that was in my cervix. I made it the longest for this one (8weeks 3 days) and we could see a heartbeat. they told me the baby was perfectly fine except that if it grew any more it would kill me and the baby would never live. It was the hardest! Although they do not get any easier.


Celia said...

I don't think that is callous. Boo, I wish I could carry your grief for a while and give you some rest.

Sweet Georgia said...

Sometimes we need to step back and protect ourselves. That's all that you are doing. Sending you big hugs.

MK said...

I've stopped believing that it can actually happen for me, too. Even though I've been pregnant before. The whole pregnancy and miscarriage seem like a dream now. Yet it still hurts just as much.

birdsandsquirrels said...

I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs too. It is an awful, awful thing to have to go through once, let alone twice, or even more. The loss of hope is completely understandable, as you are trying to protect your heart. We can hold on to that hope for you. Big, big hugs.