I can't describe the release I've felt since I decided to move on. I feel like our lives are new again, and we can do whatever we want. I can smile, I can lose that weight, I can spend that money instead of making compromises. I know that we haven't been putting as much in savings this past month, but I got some dental work done and bought more for the nieces/nephews than usual. And the spending will probably be the same next month, need more dental work done and need to buy more presents!
Mostly, I feel like I'm actually moving forward again. And that's the most amazing feeling.
During treatments it was always the same thing, over and over. The same failure over and over. Things are different now, sure it's the same things mostly, but I can focus on other things, try to accomplish other things, try to accomplish nothing if I want. I am not focusing on the next failure, I'm focusing on what may be possible.
(That's not to say we didn't live our lives while we were trying, because we did. It was just that things were always tainted by trying, by fertility expenses, by miscarriages, by failure.)
One of my big goals, trying to lose 40lbs by July. That will put me 10lbs under my pre-trying/miscarriage weights. It's doable, I just need to really stick to my guns. I need to walk/jog at least 30 minutes every other day, more than that would be even better. Also watching my calories, which is a great idea anyway. That hasn't been so hard this time around, the Metformin has really helped with that... the upped dose or the ER version, whatever, it's actually working. The more I'm on it, the more I'm noticing it's effects. It's awesome.
In addition to that, paying off the rest of our medical debt and putting more into savings. We've been working on this for awhile, and we're going to keep working at it. I finally have all my medical bills from my surgeries earlier this year taken care of. Woohoo! All my other bills should be cleared by April at the latest, so that will be awesome! The only debt we have is medical, well and my student loans... but no credit card debt or anything for us. So that makes things easier on the credit front, not as much to clear up.
Eventually I need to call my RE. I really do. I know I do, I just don't want to. But I need some Provera or birth control pills. I also need to touch base and talk about odds, whether we'd still be able to do donor embryos with them if we received some. Really, I don't want to take my temperature either, but I know I'll need to eventually if I want to confirm that I haven't ovulated and therefore won't be starting a new cycle anytime soon. But again, I really don't want to. I don't want go anywhere near things related to trying, I don't want to be reminded of it, I don't want to be bothered with it anymore. Someday, sure it might be a whole other thing, and when we do donor embryos I'll go back to it (sort of)... but for now, today, this week, this month... I don't want to.
For now, I just want to continue learning how to love life again.
good right, like this is where I'm supposed to be and this is what I need to do.