Thursday, June 27, 2013

Pressing forward-

I went ahead and bought some flaxseed oil capsules to help  supplement my omega fatty acids. I used to put ground flaxseed in stuff as a supplement (waffles/pancakes/etc) but stopped awhile ago. I figured it can't hurt to start that back up though, there are a lot of benefits to it I could probably use. Like memory, in case there are auto-immune things happening, for my clotting issues, etc... So I started that today.

I also ordered Inositol powder. I would have gotten the pills, but the ones I ordered last time were hard and horse sized. So, hopefully the powder will work out. I got it pretty cheap too, so that's a plus. I haven't decided when I should start taking it, to receive optimal benefits from it. I think I might start now, or at the beginning of next month. Eh, decisions decisions. That would give me 3 months of use to hopefully prepare my body and eggs for TTC again though.

My diet has been on/off again. I'm doing pretty well though! I did run into an issue with my workouts. I hurt my right foot somehow, so that it hurt to bend it or apply pressure (so jogging was out.) Walking was a little hard the other day, but it's better now. It's not hurt enough to see the doctor, but it's hurt enough that I'm scared to jog. I've been giving it a week of rest and trying to just stay within my calories. I haven't even went around the block for a walk with V. The scale said 176.6lbs this morning though, so that's not too bad considering.

What is up with constantly hurting my feet/legs though? I know I run into stuff, but wow. I don't remember twisting my foot or anything. I'm thinking I may have bruised the top part somehow (only the top hurts, where/when I bend it). I have a HUGE bruise on the side of my calf on that leg to. I mean, nasty colored, and no idea how I did that. It felt like I must have scraped something, but I don't recall that. I always have bruises on my shins, but I know how those happen- poorly placed coffee table and other furniture. I run into stuff all the time. I've been known to run into walls. Seriously. Face first.

I am clumsy. (sad face)

As for V, thanks everyone for the feedback! I'm thinking we may push back a decision until he's two years or switch pediatricians. I'm feeling a bit more confident in my decision as I read more online and get more feedback. Even if he does have an issue, would waiting 6 more months make a huge difference? I really don't know. We still have time to discuss things, research, and then we have his appointment with his doctor, so we're going to go from there. We don't see his doctor for another two weeks yet.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


I've been sorting through some of the things that worry me about V and his development. The pediatrician was really pushing for speech therapy, and I know that when we go back in July he'll continue to do so. V has picked up a few more words, but he's still nowhere near where the doctor wants him. He doesn't communicate well, rather than ask for my drink he goes to grab it. Rather than tell me he's "done" at dinner, he blows raspberries and covers his face. We communicate in our own way, but it's non-verbal. I can ask him where his toys are, or let him know he can bring me a book, but whether he listens depends on how distracted he is. He will hand me things when asked, or not. He prefers to pretend he's going to hand it to me, then yank it away last second, while he runs away squealing.

V absorbs a lot more than even I realize, even if he's not communicating at the level they want. One day I sat on my computer and heard him flipping  though his book saying, "A, B, C. A, B. A, B," as he pretended to read and tried to recite bits of the alphabet. He randomly counted to 8 while sitting his high chair with cheerios. Sometimes he randomly says something, like pointing to my friend's daughter and saying, "Baby." Or when he was holding his blocks and saying, "Blue. Green." (which were the colors of the blocks). If you acknowledge this little random outbursts, to praise him, he will run off squealing with a big grin on his face. Then he probably won't do it again for a very long time. He knows how to do some things, like clap or wave, but refuses to do them when asked. Other things, like giving you a high five, he will do over and over.

I don't have a problem with him going to speech therapy if he needs it, I just don't want them jumping the gun and labeling him early on. I think a lot of my issues with this, is based on my own experience as a child. When I was younger I had to go through a lot of evaluations.

I had issues with hand dominance (right handed raised by a left hander and a double amputee), the doctor phrased it that I was confused and we had to pick a hand and make me focus. So we did, I had to focus and concentrate on only using one hand (rather than both). I am now right handed, without issue. I worry about V having this issue, as A is left handed. V favors his left, but gets confused sometimes when trying to use utensils, and just ends up shoveling everything in with his hands. It's still very early to worry about this, but it's something I consider.

I was also evaluated for autism though. They thought I may have a mild case, based on my social awkwardness. It probably didn't help that I needed a lot of things spelled out and explained. I'm not the best at picking up social ques, I'll go ahead and own up to that. I've always had a very Mr. Spock view of the world. A is like that too, and we totally miss the point sometimes. I had to go through a lot of tests, and it was confusing as a child. I've always excelled in school, but I'd rather be studying than spending time with my fellow classmates. Books I understood, but people were confusing. In the end they said I was fine, but it left a mark on me. My mom liked to bring it up as I grew older, like a running joke.

I have a slight lisp. When I was younger it was more of an unexplained accent (think British). The elementary school decided I had a problem, and sent me to speech therapy every day, or special ed. There were four of us in that class. No one explained why I was there. I was isolated from my fellow classmates, and they in turn treated me like I was ignorant (to put it nicely). The teachers acted like I was slow, and I felt like a failure. I have more than a few memories of crying my eyes out over having the wrong answer, yet again. When we finally moved away from that school, that was the end of my special classes.

I'm socially awkward, but I excelled in school. I always got good grades without even trying. In college I could spit out a 15 page paper in an hour, turn in my rough draft, and get an A. That kind of stuff comes naturally to me. When I went through that speech class though, I felt like... well, an idiot. I was constantly being told that I was wrong. That there was something defective about myself. Those years were hard on me. My upbringing didn't help things at all, my home life was... that's a long story that I don't want to get into right now. Suffice to say, I was not brought up in a stable or safe environment.

My feelings toward my childhood come out a lot whenever the doctor says that V is behind. I don't want him labeled so young, I don't want him to go through what I did. I really don't feel like he's far behind, but I also don't want him to fall behind because of my own obeisance. I know that it would be better for him to start therapy now, and if we determine that he needs it I will schedule the appointment.

Part of my hesitation also lies with the fact that there's a family history of late talkers, and opinions vary about how much they should be saying. His cousin, three months older, still isn't really talking; his pediatrician isn't concerned at all about this. According to one doctor, V may be on track. According to ours, he's behind. I am considering a second opinion, but I'm also considering the speech therapy. It certainly won't hurt to get him evaluated, I could possibly obtain better tools to help me to help him.

I just don't like the way they're approaching this so far. It makes me feel uneasy, and I have to stop myself from projecting my own experience onto my decision. I know that V is not me. If he's behind, we will work through it. I will do whatever I feel is best for my son, and hope that I make the right choices for him. I just worry, like any other person, about whether I'm making the best decision. About whether I'm advocating enough for him.

We don't have his appointment until mid-July, but we'll probably get the referral then. I'm still hoping for a "word explosion" (which I hear is common around 18 months). I'm continuing to work with him, reading his books, using his flashcards, and making time to just play and explore too. I'm doing the best I can, and working through my own feelings.

Tomorrow will worry about itself though, the only thing I have real power over is today- right?

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Consult update

I rambled a lot, but we went through all my questions/concerns. Let's see: Medications we're on, not a worry. Exercise, cut back around trigger and after (which I had been and plan to) but otherwise shouldn't be an issue. We can do a semen analysis, but since we're planning on IUI with injects we could just save the money (it could tell us morphology, but probably wouldn't change our course of action). C-section, shouldn't be an issue, but if we do the saline ultrasound we'll know for sure.

The saline ultrasound would be coded as abnormal bleeding, since I'm on BCPs and having abnormal bleeding, that's true. Stupid BCPs... ugh. She gave me a new script, so we'll see how that goes! If it doesn't work, she said to call her back. As for the ultrasound, I'm going to call insurance and check things out Monday.

We discussed injects, and in doing so we went over my last cycle. I'm still perplexed at how well I responded (you know, too well). She said looking at my chart and seeing all the follicles made her heart palpitate. Yeah, you and me both sister. It was a miracle we were allowed to trigger. I get the impression we won't be able to do that again, given the same situation.

I don't blame her, it was really risky. Normally someone with 6-7 follicles and estrogen around 2,000 is canceled outright. Which is the smart thing to do, I would never recommend triggering with that many; there is way too much risk for high order multiples and ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome. With our extensive history we were cleared though. And, for whatever reason, it brought us one perfect singular boy.

I still don't know if we're lucky we only got one, or that we even got one. I don't think we'll ever know. Gut says even, but there's no science in that. Well, if I never get pregnant I think I can safely assume... but you know, science and stuff.

Anyway, so we have tentative plans for an inject cycle in October, or November. I would prefer October, since we stimmed in November before and miscarried days before Thanksgiving as a result. I really don't want to deal with another mirror cycle right now. We'll see how my savings go. As long as I pinch our wallet tight enough, we should be good to go in October!

She mentioned trying Pregnitude as a supplement, in addition to Metformin, on our inject cycle. Man, that stuff is popping up everywhere! It's Myo-Inositol and Folic Acid. I already take a lot of Folic Acid for my MTHFR mutation, so I don't see any benefit there. People keep changing ideas about what form Inositol to take, so I never know what to make of that. I did take 2 1,000mg Inositol pills a day on our last inject cycle. I also had ovarian drilling, and upped my Metformin from 1,500 to 2,000mg too though. I had planned on doing the Inositol (I was doing 1,000mg a day on our oral medication cycles), but maybe I'll try Pregnitude in October instead. I really don't know.

So, I have things to consider and stuff to put into motion. And plenty of time to do so.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Getting back on track-

I've been failing at my diet for months now. I went out and bought healthier snacks and lunch options over the weekend, and began a new drive for fitness this week. Day three, and so far so good. Today I had cereal, then for lunch I had a veggie pita and grapes (yum). For dinner, Tilapia with rice and broccoli. We eat a lot of broccoli, since it's like the only veggie V will knowingly eat.

Later I'm going to chow down on some mulberry pie though, because my tree is going nuts and I'm swimming in berries. It's actually really good! I was surprised, because I'm not a fan of baked fruit. I'm hooked now though, a warm slice with a little cool whip is awesome. I'm freezing berries for later too. It's a little tedious de-stemming them, but worth it. And hey, they're free, so can't beat that! We never get any cherries from our other tree, since the birds/bugs beat us to them every. single. year.

I can eat more on my jogging days, up to 2,000cal usually, so I don't struggle there. The days when I don't work out though, I'm limited to 1,500cal... and I do struggle with that. Like I said though, so far so good this week. I just gotta keep it up! I planned out my meals for the week (Friday is a free day since we'll be out of town) and that's been going great so far. It helps streamline things at night. It's really helping me sit down and plan my meals/snacks for the day too.

I have regained some weight, about 4-7lbs depending on the day I weigh myself. I've regained an inch on both my waist and hips. That's from two months of failing on my diet, but maintaining my workouts. Sigh. So, my clothes still fit but they're a little more snug. Hopefully I can get things moving soon. I bought some new running shoes, I've increased my jogging pace (legs are killing me), and I'm taking more walks- so that's something. This morning the weather was beautiful so I went for a half-hour walk around town, then "relaxed" in the yard with V. Relaxed, as in sat for a minute, then chased him away from the rose bushes. And bees. Repeatedly.

I feel a little more focused. I do need to watch my weight, or else that bridesmaid dress isn't going to fit me in September. And, I would like to be closer to a healthy BMI before we start TTC again. Bottom line though, I'm slowly releasing the emotions that had been building over the last few months: the unworthiness, the low self esteem, the feelings of failure, sadness. Just focusing on today, not next week, or next month, helps.

I think a lot of the emotional stuff is related to my (seemingly) unattainable goals. I tried to lose these last 25lbs, and instead gained some back. I tried to get pregnant, but instead wasted $2k. I know I could have tried harder at the weight loss, so I can own that, but by doing so I blame myself. Even when I settled with trying to maintain, I failed at that. Trying to get pregnant, well we tried our best for that and it still didn't work. Both goals seem so simplistic, and yet they're not. There's no logic to them. You can put in x amount of effort, follow the formula, and yet you come up with completely random answers. Calories in vs calories out don't always work to lose weight. Having well timed intercourse, with multiple eggs, doesn't always achieve a pregnancy. It leaves me feeling helpless and weak.

I'm trying to reassert what control I can. I'm taking control of my diet (again). I'm going back to the fertility doctor on Friday to see what else we can do. I can't make things happen, but I can help them along. I need to remind myself of that from time to time.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Passing the time and feeling crafty!

V is so obsessed with dinosaurs. I've taken him to see them at the zoo several times, and to be honest he doesn't care about much else there. He likes the aquarium, the flamingos, and... yeah, that's it. He thinks the dinosaurs are real though, and it's awesome. It'll be sad to see the exhibit go in a few months. I really do think we're going to end up dinosaur themed for  his birthday! It's so neat watching his interests change and develop, watching him come up with his own opinions.

I finally finished the dresser. It was dingy white with gold hardware. To update it I lightly sanded it, then applied paint. Just regular old matte paint I had laying around the house from a previous project. After it was all dry I used wax to protect it. I replaced the top knobs with some cute ones I found, but the bottom ones proved to be an awkward size, so I just spray painted them to match. There was some damage to the back joints of the drawers, so I fixed that and reenforced it with liquid nail. And, voila! Good as new. You can see on the top left where I messed up with the stencil and tried to patch it. I didn't do the best job, but since it's just going in my room I'm not concerned!

I'm hoping to re-do my other dresser to match at some point here... but since it takes me a month (or more) to get anything done, I'm not going to hold my breath on that! Ha. I did learn some things working on this dresser though, so the next project should go a little smoother.

I bought a pattern today for my Halloween costume. I've been planning for Halloween since last Halloween... not that I have a problem or anything. Ha. I'm hoping everything comes together. I have in my head how I want things to go, but don't know if I have the skill to pull it all off! We're going themed, the whole family. At least that's my hope. No spoilers, but it'll be based on Doctor Who.

Otherwise, I'm just trying to get things done around the house (never ending task, that one!). And trying to find ways to entertain V.

I have some thoughts/posts percolating, but I have trouble tying my thoughts together anymore. I'm scattered. Or torn. I don't know, maybe I'm just confused. Life can be pretty confusing. Hopefully I can come back to them sometime. It would be nice to sort through this mess I call my heart.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Scheduling and making plans-

I'm already having issues with the BCP I'm on. I went ahead and scheduled the consult with Dr. M (for the 17th) so hopefully she can get me a new prescription and we can go from there. I had one pack left form the four-phasic brand, so that's what I started this month. Obviously that isn't working out so well. I need to find a generic that works for me though, because generic is $30 cheaper than brand name. And since we're saving for an inject cycle, that's makes a big difference. I just need something to get me through the next three months. Ugh.

I'm hoping we can walk away from the consult with an idea of what tests we can get done, and how they'd be coded. We may pay for a SA too, but not until August or September. I need to ask about my exercise, and medications that A and I are on now too. I'll also update her on our plans for injects in October.

My weight loss still isn't back on track. I'm struggling and I feel lousy about that. I'm trying to refocus on things, I bought healthier snacks, and I'm trying to get back into my workouts. I didn't stop them, but I did slack off here and there. I'm just so bored while jogging anymore. I decided that being bored meant I wasn't working hard enough, so to keep me distracted I've been slowly increasing my pace. I can do 5mph now, for a short while. I mean 6 minutes before I feel like I'm going to die. I jog for 40 minutes (at 3-5mph) and then walk for 15 minutes to cool down. Considering I started out at 2.5mph, that is a pretty significant accomplishment, but man it's hard. I feel so worn out afterward.

On nice days I try to go out for a walk with V. Sometimes it's just a quick walk around the block, or a walk to the library (3 miles round trip). It's definitely less boring than jogging, not to mention less strenuous, but it's not as efficient and the weather isn't all that cooperative most of the time. At least it gives me some variation though.

I really just need to stop making excuses. I have zero determination and willpower. I keep saying that I need to buckle down... but then I don't. I hate that. Here's to hoping I can stick to things better this time around though! Today is a new day, and all that jazz.

Saturday, June 1, 2013


My taste buds have changed. Like, since having V. I thought maybe it was just a specific brand/restaurant that changed their recipe (because everyone is doing that to cut costs) but it was every brand/restaurant. I used to really love chocolate, and now I still like some brands but for the most part I don't care for it. Which is weird. Chocolate ice cream tastes chalky, or overpowering. I used to like vanilla ice cream, but now I love it. Like it's almost my favorite flavor (next to chocolate chip cookie dough, which is still the reigning champ). I still like butter pecan and mint chocolate chip, but actual chocolate ice cream is out. I used to like strawberry ice cream (part of neapolitan) in moderation, for just a hint of flavor. Now it's mostly vanilla, strawberry, and a hint of chocolate.

There are a few other things that I suddenly don't care for anymore, but nothing as drastic as my love affair with chocolate. My husband keeps telling me I should try mustard now, or celery, but since the smell of both still makes me nauseous I'll go ahead and assume my dislike for them still stands.

I'm trying to get projects around the house done, since I have some downtime. I tend to do this when we're on a break or something else goes down. Which is just as well, it feels good to get something accomplished. So far I've started working on organizing my kitchen, I visited the dollar store and stocked up on plastic totes/baskets and filed stuff away in there. It's a lot less chaotic.

I've almost finished refinishing a small dresser (Pictures included!). It was just white/dingy with gold corroded handles, new hardware is silver/white. Will post photos when it's done-done. I had to touch the paint up a lot, and it was my first attempt at using a stencil. It's not an art I have down yet! hahaha... As with everything in my life, it's a learning process. I have another stand I want to re-do to match, but again... the effort/time involved has put me off. Hopefully I'll get to it in the coming month though. It would be cute.

I really like the Moroccan patterns, so that's why I went with that particular stencil. I hope to one day finish a wall with it, as an accent wall. All the walls would be overpowering. I think it would be way too time consuming too, the walls here are super tall. I can't even reach them with a step stool (although I am only 5'3" to begin with). Maybe a tiny room, like the bathroom.... hmm. No rush deciding anything, since it would cost money I'm loathe to part with right now, so I'll just contemplate the possibilities. I've been day dreaming about a lot of remodeling lately. Like my living room... I picked a color scheme I liked 6 years ago, but now I want something brighter and more soothing. I really don't know what I was thinking back then. Maybe this is another part of getting older; 28 year old me really questions 22 year old me's choices in decorating (and clothing, and hair, and so on- I think the only thing we agree on is our husband).

I didn't update about the back doctor, did I? Ugh. He said the tingling/numbness is just a normal symptom of scoliosis. He recommended x-rays and physical therapy, saying it might help. We have a cap on therapy for the entire family for the year though, and I'd hate to use them up and then need them for speech therapy (or otherwise) for V or A. Plus our co-pay is outrageous. I was going to attend one session, but I was in the TWW and canceled my appointment. I haven't gone back for the repeat x-rays. He pulled up ones I've had done over the years (latest in 2009) and my lower curve has almost completely corrected itself (which is amazing!) but my upper curve progressed from 21 degrees to 29, which still isn't enough to worry anyone about anything... but enough to cause issues with the numbness/tingling I guess. It isn't bad progression, considering it was over 11 years, but they did want to do another x-ray since I've since been pregnant and that can worsen scoliosis. Even if it's progressed, it won't really be enough to need intervention though, it would just let us know where things stand. So... I might go get it done, or I might not. It would be good information to have, but seems unnecessary.

V still isn't talking, but we randomly hear him say stuff all the time. Like saying blue/green to his blue/green blocks. I mean, it's so random that we question if we heard it right. He counted to 8 a week ago, which would be awesome if he knew what that was about. Today we were at the video store and he was going 2, 3, 2, 3. He counts to 4 all the time, but doesn't really apply the concept of counting to the words. He pointed to the photo of the dog in his word book the other day, and said dog. But a few days earlier he pointed to the tractor and said dog too.

I'm working on books with him, flash cards, lots of repeating words over and over, trying to help sink stuff in. So far he can motion towards the water and cry for drink, and when he gets caught doing something he shouldn't he jumps, squeals, and runs for the hills... I can sometimes get him to grab a specific toy, or bring one of his books to me. I think we're headed towards speech therapy though, because we're still not making real progress towards communicating

He's obsessed with dinosaurs and cars right now. He roars at his dinosaurs/dragons, and if you ask him where is dinosaur is he'll go to it and say, "Rawr." The other day he decided everything now roars though, his cars, flowers, various animals, and so on... everything roars. It's amazing and I love it. He loves his cars/trucks. My legs are frequently used as a race track. It's little things like that which make my day.