Friday, November 20, 2009

Calling it quits-

Betas are supposed to double every 48 to 72 hours... mine did not. It went from 30 to 44 in 48 hours... most likely non-viable. Not that I'm surprised.

Now, I am asking the universe to just let it be a defective embryo, and not an ectopic. Not to sound crazy, but I would like to minimize the damages. A chromosomally abnormal embryo I can handle, I've had it before, but I don't want to deal with an ectopic. Please not the added drama of an ectopic.

And so... this is my limit. This is my breaking point. This is me calling it quits. At this point, I'm not sure I want to try embryo adoption because I can not handle going through this again. At least not anytime soon. I know things change, but for now this is how I feel. Right now, I don't ever want to be pregnant again. Maybe I will want to in a month, or a year, maybe never, who knows. But for now, fuck that shit.

I think we're going to take a break from attempting any paths to parenthood for awhile. It's been a really long, and hard, two and a half years. And I am just... done. I can't do this anymore. I can't.

I know now that a biological child is something that I can not have, and am not sure I even want anymore... not at this price. And as much as I want to adopt, I know we can't right now. So where does that leave us?

Babyless, childless, and probably suffering our third loss.

On a break- until further notice.

More news to come Monday, when I get poked again for a repeat beta... fucking hell.

34 comments:

CeCe said...

I am so sorry. You have had to deal with so much difficulty. Do take a break.. What you are going through is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. I'll be thinking of you and hope things are better soon.

~CeCe

'Murgdan' said...

I'm so sorry. I hate this for you and so wish there was something...anything...I could say or do to make it better.

Michelle said...

Hun, I am so sorry! If it is an ectopic you caught it very early. The same thing happened to me last year and I did not have any problems. Not that that is a consolation.

A break will probably be a good thing. i know it helped me.

Sending lots of hugs!

thegalwho said...

Fuck.

Sorry but I really felt that a swear word was appropriate here.

I'm sorry that the past two and a half years have brought you to this point.

I totally "get" the stopping part. A heart and a soul can only take so much and honestly you know when you've hit that point, my 5th miscarriage was that line for me and yet still I struggle to move on.

I hope the break does you well my friend and I hope the hurt in your heart dulls over time.

xxxx

Courtney said...

I'm thinking of you tonight and wishing you and your husband peace and an 'easy' resolution to this pregnancy.

shannon said...

There are not enough words to say how sorry I am. Even if there were they mean nothing. I pray as well this is not ectopic. I will be keeping you in my prayers.

JamieW said...

I am so sorry. It sucks. I wish I could take the pain away.

Hekateris said...

I, too, am so sorry.

Parenthood For Me said...

this really sucks. There are no words. I am thinking of you.

Celia said...

Oh babe, I am sorry. Sorry for the whole thing. Why does it come so hard for all of us?

LitterOf1 said...

I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but I just have to tell you - an increase of even 60% over 48 hours or a DOUBLING within 72 hours can still be a viable pregnancy. If your B1 was 30 and you take a 60% increase, then a B2 of 48 is viable. You had 44, so that's close. Are you still spotting?

Mine ONLY increased by 60% from Beta 1 to Beta 2, both with my son (who took 7 *YEARS* to conceive) and my 2nd child, (who took almost a year to conceive.)

I know everyone is different, but during those 7 years of hellish negatives, loss, and pain, I wanted to give up too, and I DID take a break. Then I got back on the horse, though, and it worked out FINALLY. I am not saying that's right for you, but if I had given up for GOOD then we wouldn't have succeeded 7 years LATER. Just food for thought, and I really hope things turn around for you.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

I am so sorry, this is just unbelievably cruel. I know you have had so many struggles-found you on SQ and have read a few times. I hope that taking some time away will help you to heal. (((HUGS)))

MrsSpock said...

I am so, so sorry. It is totally unfair. I don't blame you for not wanting to risk feeling yet another loss. Sometimes enough is enough.

Sweet Georgia said...

I'm just so sorry that this could be happening again. Be kind to yourself.

G$ said...

Sorry just doesn't cut it. Fuck!!!
thinking of you.

Chickenpig said...

Yeah, embryos are "supposed" to implant on time and put off enough HCG to double every 48 hrs...but most of them don't get the memo. Some implant late and grow slowly. I've been pregnant 4 times, only twice did I take home babies. Of those 4 pregnancies, only the one that ended in a miscarriage started out strong and doubled every 48 hrs. Even my twins didn't double, initial beta of 101, second was only 170. My singleton numbers were worse, 40 to start with a second of only 60. Stranger things have happened. It's not a done deal yet.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I wish I knew what to say to make it better but I don't. Sorry isn't enough. Thinking of you. As always, hoping things might be different. I'll always hold up hope even when it seems hopeless.

Bluebird said...

I'm so sorry honey. I don't even know what else to say. I absolutely hate this for you and wish so badly that I could somehow take even a little piece of the pain away. You have been through so much. . .

I'm so, so sorry.

Many, many, huge huge ((hugs))

Penny said...

So sorry hon.

birdsandsquirrels said...

I'm so sorry that the beta didn't double. There's a part of my heart that is hoping for a miracle on Monday (late implantation/one embryo not making it, etc). I'm so sorry hun. I wish there was something I could say or do to help. It's just not fair. You deserve to be pregnant damn it, and to take home a living baby. You have been through enough. Enough.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I am so sorry, sweetie.

Jessi Wallace said...

From what I understand, as long as the beta goes up 60% or more in 48 hours, you're still okay... I'm no math whiz, but if I calculated right, 60% of 30 is 18... 30+18=48... so to me, you're still okay. Are you getting a 3rd beta? Are you still spotting? Please update us...

Journeywoman said...

Here from the lost and found.

Hugs.

All I can say really.

tootertotz said...

I'm sorry you are going through this.

In order to spare yourself from hoping, I will hope for you. Hoping this is just a slow bloomer and it all goes up from here.

LFCA

loribeth said...

Here from LFCA. I'm sorry. I'm a great believer in the power of taking a break, whether temporary or not, & I hope it helps. (((hugs)))

Miriam said...

I came here via LFCA and wanted to send you a hug. These are not easy decisions, this is never an easy path, and I wanted to just give you a hug. I'm sending you vibes for positive health right now. And it's ok if you can't do this right now and need to take a break - let your body and your spirit take a breather and be at peace for a little while. All the best - hang in there.

Jem said...

Anxious to hear how the third beta goes. Do keep up updated.

Kristin said...

Oh damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! This just isn't fucking fair. I am so sorry.

luna said...

damn. this just really sucks. I am so sorry. so inadequate, I know. but it's all I've got to offer.

everyone reaches a limit. I hope you can find some peace during this break. reclaim your life and body. why does everything have to be so effing hard?

Tara said...

Many prayers for you during this difficult time. I'm so sorry.

Anita said...

My heart aches for you~so sorry to hear this...

LFCA

ifcrossroads said...

Oh my, I'm SO sorry.

LFCA

manapan said...

I'm sorry. I wish we could make it better, but I know nothing can do that for you right now. ((hugs)) from LFCA

dana said...

i stumbled across your blog after months of staying away from IF/preg blogs.

sorry doesn't seem adequate enough but know that i am.