Friday, November 14, 2014

Kids, life, and all that

Thanks for all the kind words on my last post. Things are still very hard, but every day we get through is... well, another day we get through!

The girls turned 4 months a couple weeks ago now. They've grown so much. J is rolling a lot, and G is a grabber. G is almost an inch and 2lbs more than J now, she loves to eat and sleep. J is our wild child, she is wiry and fierce. By the end of this month I'm going to have to move G into 6-9 month clothes, J has been about a month behind wardrobe switches so she'll probably make it until mid-December before she needs to. They babble a lot, and notice each other more each day. They love V, he amuses them to no end.

They had their first Halloween, it was cold and wet so we stayed in and passed out candy. V enjoyed going door to door with daddy though. J was Supergirl, G was Batgirl, and V was Spiderman- my superhero troupe.
J and G

We've went to the zoo a lot in the past couple months; V asks to go every single day but it's a bit of a drive and always quite the ordeal! We've been going about once every week or two though. It's really nice to get out of the house, and there's no comparison for how happy it makes that kid. Now that it's cooler we won't be going for awhile. He plays pretend at home though, he sets up his own little zoo and pretend dinosaur boat ride, and he has to show me. We have to go through his little zoo. He has quite the imagination.
V & the T-rex

V does throw a lot of tantrums, makes a lot of messes, and can be a handful. He doesn't focus very well still, has poor listening skills, and he is very independent. By that I mean he wants to just run off and explore, and isn't afraid of anything (except large stuffed costume characters). He is an unstoppable force. He can be very focused, when he chooses to be. He tests boundaries like it's his business, and business is good right now. He's doing so much better than when the girls first came home, but it's still chaos. I feel like we're doing okay most days, but some days I just feel like a failure. Hopefully as we keep working on things it will improve.

He has been having night terrors about 1-3 times a month, and those are really disconcerting. He hasn't had one for a few weeks (knock on wood) and I hope it stays that way. He usually starts screaming, "Nooooooo!" or, "Mommmy!" and thrashing for a good 10-30 minutes, just screaming and crying in his sleep. After I learned how to deal with them it's gone better, the first few times we tried to wake him because we didn't know what was happening. Now I just turn his nightlight on and talk softly to him, and it's over on the quicker end of the spectrum. There is a family history on both sides, so he was at higher risk for them. They suck so much though. The fewer we have to deal with, the better!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Life these days...

People keep asking me how I am, my go to response is simply, "Exhausted." We chuckle, and then skip over to whatever they wanted to talk about.

I try to keep up, but while they're talking I'm usually wrangling a child, nursing, washing dishes, or trying to watch TV during my very limited "me" time. The truth is... things have been hard. I am exhausted from the moment I wake up, until the moment I go down. A toddler and infant twins is hard work. Work I love and would not trade for the world, but I also feel like I'm imploding. My walls are breaking down, I snap more at everyone, I am physically and mentally exhausted, I'm having trouble putting sentences together sometimes, my reserves are just depleted. I'm hoping I can get some "me" time soon, even if it's just a hair cut, because right now all I get is a daily shower and if I'm very lucky an hour while all the kids nap at the same time. I'm having one of those rare moments right now.

It's not even the cleaning, because let's be honest... I'm lucky if I get the dishes washed every day. And I have to get the dishes washed (no dishwashing machine) otherwise I can't make dinner. It's more... the feeling of constantly being needed, of never getting time to turn off my awareness. Awareness of where the kids are, are they okay, who needs food, who needs changed, who needs their clothes changed, who needs bathed, who needs.... always who needs what. I often forget about my own needs... I would forget to shower if my hair wasn't so greasy (yay hormones) and I wasn't breastfeeding.

I forget a lot these days. Blood work was fine, my doctor thinks it's just mental exhaustion- if it gets worse, come back in. In the meantime, well, I'm really absentminded. Until I get better... or I don't. I say the opposite word sometimes, forget the word I'm looking for, etc.. It's unnerving.

I am not complaining. I love my children, and I love our life. I am just swamped, with very little help. I'm trying to remind myself that this phase will pass... probably sooner than I want it too. A goes above and beyond helping me with the kids, but I'm still here alone with all the kids half the day. I'm the only one who can feed the girls since we're breastfeeding. Our families don't really have anything to do with us. A couple of them might visit the kids for an hour or two, but that doesn't help me at all... it just means our daily routine gets disrupted, and I might have to clean.

It's not all doom and gloom, honest. I get giggles, and coos, in the morning I get the most beautiful smiles. V makes me laugh so much my sides hurt some nights. Watching them grow, and start to interact with each other, is the greatest privilege in the world. These children are worth the struggle I went through to have them, and what I'm going through right now.

I just need a chance to recharge.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Three months

The girls turned three months yesterday. I am still exhausted, but doing my best to function. The girls were sleeping through the night, then they stopped, now they seem to be back at it. They've also been cluster feeding before bed the last few nights. They're getting too big for their bassinets and we'll be moving them out of them this week.

I'm feeling very grateful and excited because I've now been nursing longer than I was able to with V. I have no problem with formula feeding, it was a huge relief when we switched to formula with V, but I am still very thankful that things have went so much better this time around. We haven't had to supplement at all, and my supply has managed to keep up. So, first goal met! My next goal is just every month from here on out, with a plan to nurse until at least a year.

The girls are growing well, getting ready to go up a size of clothes (although G is getting there sooner than J). They coo and laugh a lot, although G does tend to talk more. J is great at holding herself up, and can even roll over, while G isn't quite there yet. They're really starting to notice their surroundings, each other, and big brother V too. They are very different girls and it's amazing watching their personalities really come out.


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Dealing-

It's been exhausting here. Napping when the kids nap isn't an option unfortunately. Even on the days that I get enough sleep, I still struggle to function. I struggle to make coherent thoughts sometimes, so sorry if this is rambley- WORDS ARE HARD.

My PCOS issues are rearing their ugly heads in the form of skin tags and dark skin patches. I can't take supplements for my PCOS, since I don't know how much of what may cross my breast milk. Instead I stay on my Metformin, and hope that it can get things in check. I'm also hoping it can help me keep my weight in check. I can't really do a thing about weight loss because I need 1,000 extra calories a day to maintain my breast milk supply for the girls. Exercising is hard because I have such a small window of opportunity to do anything between feedings, and I'd rather use the time to relax or clean. So, I just work at making healthier choices and hope I can maintain.

I gained 73 lbs while pregnant, I've lost 42 since then leaving me with 31 lbs left to go. I started at a size 16 and now I'm back up to a size 22. My lack of wardrobe sucks... I had kept some of my larger clothing though, so that is at least a saving grace. It's taking me awhile to recover my stamina and strength, but I think I'm slowly getting there. I'll be honest, my body dysmorphia rears it's ugly head from time to time too. I'm really good at shutting myself up though, because really my body is pretty amazing. In the past year I have grown and sustained two other human beings, and I'm continuing to sustain them even now... I need to lay off my body! It did something I didn't even know it was capable of, and I owe it a lot.

I'm still exclusively nursing the twins. They are growing and thriving, and my supply seems to be keeping up. J seems to be going through a growth spurt or something, because she's been wanting to cluster feed. I am eating like a hobbit while nursing them, because I am hungry ALL THE TIME. I seriously eat every 2-3 hours; it's like the first/second trimester with them all over again. Except physically I feel much better than I did then, heh.

I went in and finally got some blood work done with my primary doctor. I was really putting it off. I need to go ahead and get some stuff done for me, I'm just terrible about doing it. It's hard to get away from the girls since I'm nursing though, and I just put things off and put things off...

So that's where things are. The girls are napping right now, and V is chilling out... this is a rare moment. I think I should go do something else now... like snack haha.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Two months-

The girls are two months old today... it's been crazy here! They are sleeping much better though, they actually sleep from 11-midnight until 6-7am most nights! We're still nursing exclusively. My supply dipped a little, but the girls started cluster feeding while I started eating oatmeal every day, plus drinking more water, and well, that seems to be all I needed to do. I have Fenugreek on hand in case I need it. The girls coo a lot, they love mobiles and they are sooo ticklish. J loves her pacifier, while G would rather suck on her fist.

V is doing much better with them, although he does still get very jealous at times. I have to say considering how much change he's went through in the last 6 months, he's done very well.

As a treat we took V and the girls to the zoo for the first time this year. Oh my goodness, he freaked out over everything... he just loved it. We haven't hardly went at all since I was pregnant because it was too much walking and I had a lot of guilt about that. It was a nice treat though, he loved it so much. It was difficult having to stop and nurse and change everyone's diapers, plus physically I am still weak from the pregnancy... but I loved it. I really did. Seeing his face light up just made my day.



Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Belated One Month-

The girls turned a month old on the 30th, I just hadn't gotten around to posting. It's been crazy. I did our one month photos, and it was a lot harder to wrangle than it was doing V's one month photos! J is in the blue and G in the purple. I think a few of the shots turned out pretty good, but I really loved these two.

Things are okay. The girls don't sleep well at night, so that's been rough. I usually only get 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and I can't nap during the day since someone is always up. We're still exclusively breast feeding, so that's been going great. It can be really uncomfortable at times (my letdown is painful and excessive) but it's working so I won't complain.

The girls are growing great; G is HUGE compared to J though. Being fraternal twins that hasn't been a huge concern, J is growing it's just not at the same rate as G. Using my home scale I get varying answers because it's so sensitive, but G does seem to be 1-2lbs more than J. They have their one month check-up with their doctor tomorrow, so I'll be interested to see how they actually measure up.

They really are so different. It's not just the physical appearance, which is obvious, but also their demeanor and attitudes. Even their cries are so different. J is more fussy than G, although G will sound the alarm (and I mean ALARM) when she gets hungry. J used to have issues latching, but now G does... it's like they trade off on things/issues. J has been giving us fits about sleeping at night, but last night it was G that kept us up. Ahhh. Anyway...

V is adjusting still. He seriously forgets that they're here. He'll come up with his book flailing it around and try to flop it in front of me, but I'll be changing one of the girl's diapers and he'll almost hit them. Things like that. Last night I kept saying, "V. V. V, look your sister is here. Mommy can't read you that right now and you have to be careful. V. V, look your sister is right here." He eventually looked and actually focused on her then smiled and said, "A bay-bee seester!" I am constantly running interference because he just doesn't see them. He has started to interact with them more, he'll pick their pacifiers up, or he'll give them kisses if we ask him to, he tried to tickle their feet yesterday too.

His biggest struggle is not understanding why mommy can't do things with him. He wants me to read with him, or do puzzles, or color, but I'll be trying to get the girls to latch on, or I'm changing a diaper, or a girl is crying for something... then he'll get upset and start crying too. That's about how the three-child-cryfests usually start. I get a lot of mommy guilt about that, but I know this is just a passing phase and before I know it the girls will be older and eating better, they'll be playing more... and we'll get through this. I just feel bad.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

3 weeks

Monday:
It's been three weeks now. A returned to work today; the girls, V, and I all survived. Huzzah!

I managed to wrangle the girls into position to tandem nurse on my own, I kept V from trampling them, and I even washed some dishes.

Wednesday:
And of course it's been two days since then and I'm still working on this post. We're still surviving. Today has been a little rougher, the girls aren't latching as well (they prefer biting and pulling on me, which has caused a lot of pain/discomfort), and I'm trying to figure out if we're dealing with the poor latch or the beginnings of thrush. We're still nursing though. Last weekend we survived a batch of cluster feeding, started to see some semblance of a pattern for nursing but that's all sort of fallen to rot today. Hopefully tomorrow will go better.

I wrote a thank you note for my fertility clinic today. I may have shed a tear... because seriously how do you thank someone enough for such a gift? And I realize that yes they are paid monetarily for what they do, but our clinic really went above and beyond during our time there. And without them none of these kids would exist, there is absolutely no question of that. I tucked the note in with our birth announcement for the girls, just like I did with V, and it'll go in the mail tomorrow. We'll probably take the kids to visit Dr. M sometime in the coming weeks. I'm sure that will be full of all the feels since we don't plan on ever returning there.