Betas are supposed to double every 48 to 72 hours... mine did not. It went from 30 to 44 in 48 hours... most likely non-viable. Not that I'm surprised.
Now, I am asking the universe to just let it be a defective embryo, and not an ectopic. Not to sound crazy, but I would like to minimize the damages. A chromosomally abnormal embryo I can handle, I've had it before, but I don't want to deal with an ectopic. Please not the added drama of an ectopic.
And so... this is my limit. This is my breaking point. This is me calling it quits. At this point, I'm not sure I want to try embryo adoption because I can not handle going through this again. At least not anytime soon. I know things change, but for now this is how I feel. Right now, I don't ever want to be pregnant again. Maybe I will want to in a month, or a year, maybe never, who knows. But for now, fuck that shit.
I think we're going to take a break from attempting any paths to parenthood for awhile. It's been a really long, and hard, two and a half years. And I am just... done. I can't do this anymore. I can't.
I know now that a biological child is something that I can not have, and am not sure I even want anymore... not at this price. And as much as I want to adopt, I know we can't right now. So where does that leave us?
Babyless, childless, and probably suffering our third loss.
On a break- until further notice.
More news to come Monday, when I get poked again for a repeat beta... fucking hell.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Should I be happy-
First of all.. I'm still spotting, for what that's worth.
This morning, Nurse calls me. She tells me my beta from 13dpo came back at 30, her voice all excited, and she tells me I am pregnant.
Yeah, you actually expect me to get on the happy train with you nurse? Um, no. Don't know if you actually read my chart, but see I've been here twice before- and neither time did I make it to the desired destination.
I shall refrain from getting on the happy train, mmmkay? If I have a good doubling beta, and make it past 6 weeks this time, if we see a heartbeat... maybe I will join you. But, don't hold your breath on that one.
I go in for a repeat beta on Friday. Should get the results by that evening.
I better not miscarry on Thanksgiving. That's the smallest favor I'm asking from the cosmos. If I stay "pregnant" I will be 5 weeks on Thanksgiving... 5 weeks seems to be about the time that things like going wrong for me. So, here's to hoping that if I miscarry it will be soon, or sometime after Thanksgiving and before Christmas. The holiday's are hard enough on their own, thank you very much.
I know I sound horribly pessimistic... but I've had two miscarriages out of two pregnancies (which, if you do the math, equals no babies). Pregnancy to me isn't what it is for so many other women. I have no faith in pregnancy, it has failed me. I have no faith in my body, it has failed me. I have no faith in the whole reproductive process, it has failed me. I know many women get pregnant, and things work out just as they should. But I have not been one of them. The most I can ask, is that if things don't work out, that they at least do so in a manner that creates the least damage. No matter what, it will cause damage... but I'm looking at the calendar and hoping the blow won't be as traumatic as it could be. Miscarrying this week, would be much less painful (both emotionally and physically) than it would be if I miscarried on Thanksgiving.
If it works out... well, that's wonderful. But if it doesn't... I don't want to have every Thanksgiving get together with our families to be a constant reminder of the little life I lost, and the turn our life never got to take, that everyone else's lives did.
I'm just saying.
I would love for it to work out- I would. But I can't let myself think of that. I've been there. I've dreamed those dreams. But the hard facts are right there in front of us- pregnancy does not always equal a baby.
Unless you've experienced the pain of loss, it's hard to imagine just how very draining it truly is. All the happiness, all the shiny glow of pregnancy, all the colors in the world- they sorta fade away. You fight, you fight so hard, to get them back- and maybe if you get pregnant and stay pregnant, maybe each day it gets a little brighter, maybe the glow grows back... but I don't know, I've never been there. For me, after the second miscarriage, the world just grew darker, every last shred of faith in pregnancy died.
Maybe it works for other people... but the fact of the matter is, for me, I have lost two babies. There are two lives I will never get to meet. I went through immense pain emotionally, and excruciating pain physically. I lost parts of myself that I will never, ever, get back. Parts of me died. Parts of me broke, and can't be repaired. Relationships were lost, and others strengthened. My life changed. I changed.
So, I know I sound like a pessimist- and who knows, maybe I am- but I want you to know where I'm coming from.
In real life, almost everyone takes miscarriages for granted, as if they are just a thing that happened... but they aren't. It changes a person, losing your baby. People assume you are still the same person after loss- and you aren't. You aren't.
This is who I am now. If I had a choice, I would still be naive like those women who get pregnant easily and carry to term with no issues... but I'm not, and there's no use dreaming I am, or pretending I am. This is who I am now. This is my life, as I know it.
This morning, Nurse calls me. She tells me my beta from 13dpo came back at 30, her voice all excited, and she tells me I am pregnant.
Yeah, you actually expect me to get on the happy train with you nurse? Um, no. Don't know if you actually read my chart, but see I've been here twice before- and neither time did I make it to the desired destination.
I shall refrain from getting on the happy train, mmmkay? If I have a good doubling beta, and make it past 6 weeks this time, if we see a heartbeat... maybe I will join you. But, don't hold your breath on that one.
I go in for a repeat beta on Friday. Should get the results by that evening.
I better not miscarry on Thanksgiving. That's the smallest favor I'm asking from the cosmos. If I stay "pregnant" I will be 5 weeks on Thanksgiving... 5 weeks seems to be about the time that things like going wrong for me. So, here's to hoping that if I miscarry it will be soon, or sometime after Thanksgiving and before Christmas. The holiday's are hard enough on their own, thank you very much.
I know I sound horribly pessimistic... but I've had two miscarriages out of two pregnancies (which, if you do the math, equals no babies). Pregnancy to me isn't what it is for so many other women. I have no faith in pregnancy, it has failed me. I have no faith in my body, it has failed me. I have no faith in the whole reproductive process, it has failed me. I know many women get pregnant, and things work out just as they should. But I have not been one of them. The most I can ask, is that if things don't work out, that they at least do so in a manner that creates the least damage. No matter what, it will cause damage... but I'm looking at the calendar and hoping the blow won't be as traumatic as it could be. Miscarrying this week, would be much less painful (both emotionally and physically) than it would be if I miscarried on Thanksgiving.
If it works out... well, that's wonderful. But if it doesn't... I don't want to have every Thanksgiving get together with our families to be a constant reminder of the little life I lost, and the turn our life never got to take, that everyone else's lives did.
I'm just saying.
I would love for it to work out- I would. But I can't let myself think of that. I've been there. I've dreamed those dreams. But the hard facts are right there in front of us- pregnancy does not always equal a baby.
Unless you've experienced the pain of loss, it's hard to imagine just how very draining it truly is. All the happiness, all the shiny glow of pregnancy, all the colors in the world- they sorta fade away. You fight, you fight so hard, to get them back- and maybe if you get pregnant and stay pregnant, maybe each day it gets a little brighter, maybe the glow grows back... but I don't know, I've never been there. For me, after the second miscarriage, the world just grew darker, every last shred of faith in pregnancy died.
Maybe it works for other people... but the fact of the matter is, for me, I have lost two babies. There are two lives I will never get to meet. I went through immense pain emotionally, and excruciating pain physically. I lost parts of myself that I will never, ever, get back. Parts of me died. Parts of me broke, and can't be repaired. Relationships were lost, and others strengthened. My life changed. I changed.
So, I know I sound like a pessimist- and who knows, maybe I am- but I want you to know where I'm coming from.
In real life, almost everyone takes miscarriages for granted, as if they are just a thing that happened... but they aren't. It changes a person, losing your baby. People assume you are still the same person after loss- and you aren't. You aren't.
This is who I am now. If I had a choice, I would still be naive like those women who get pregnant easily and carry to term with no issues... but I'm not, and there's no use dreaming I am, or pretending I am. This is who I am now. This is my life, as I know it.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Waiting-
I guess we wait now. I got the beta done, after much debate and dread. Hopefully the results will be in tomorrow and I can get a repeat on Friday. Maybe, depending on how things look, and how I feel. I really don't care about betas anymore, they are teasing wicked lying bitches. I know they can reassure and are good for confirmation about what is going on... but I don't like them anymore. Last pregnancy I had perfect doubling betas, they tripled at times, things looked lovely. And we know how that ended.
No, I don't have faith in betas anymore.
Spotting has definitely lessened now- and it's 14 days past the trigger, or 13dpo. I got my visit from mother nature at this point last injectable cycle. My pregnancy tests are still positive... I don't think it would still be the trigger at this point. I'm still taking my progesterone supplements in case I am pregnant.
But, I'm still not 100% that I am actually am pregnant.
I think I may be pregnant though, but I refuse to say that I am for sure.
And if I am, I still have my doubts about viability.
For those of you who are curious, here are my tests...
I will update again tomorrow when I have the results.
I kinda feel like I'm stuck on a really bad soap opera right now.
No, I don't have faith in betas anymore.
Spotting has definitely lessened now- and it's 14 days past the trigger, or 13dpo. I got my visit from mother nature at this point last injectable cycle. My pregnancy tests are still positive... I don't think it would still be the trigger at this point. I'm still taking my progesterone supplements in case I am pregnant.
But, I'm still not 100% that I am actually am pregnant.
I think I may be pregnant though, but I refuse to say that I am for sure.
And if I am, I still have my doubts about viability.
For those of you who are curious, here are my tests...
I will update again tomorrow when I have the results.
I kinda feel like I'm stuck on a really bad soap opera right now.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
can I get off the train now-
13 days after trigger, 12 days past ovulation, and still a positive test. Highly doubting it's the trigger, but what do I know. I'm not a professional, right? What is it with nurses at infertility clinics? Why can't I ever get a compassionate one? Why do they act like I'm a freaking nut who doesn't know how my body works? Like I'm an idiot or something. Like I haven't been through this before.
She tells me, "It's to early to tell, and it's to early for a beta to be definitive."
Bull shit. My beta at 11dpo was fucking definitive last pregnancy, and the rising time after showed that it was progressing. I don't see how doing a beta, and then a follow-up beta two days later, wouldn't be definitive in this scenerio.
I explained how my body metabolizes the trigger fast, and that I know when I ovulated (the evening of my IUI) But no, it's still too early to know for sure. I should wait till Friday, like I was supposed to. My IUI was on a Thursday, they told me two weeks after that to test. Umm, so Thursday is when they told me to test. So to add on to it, they're trying to make me wait yet another day for everything. Fucking hell.
I guess I was hysterical enough because, after she told me it sounds like the spotting just means my period is coming and the test doesn't mean anything, well then she tells me that if it will make me feel better I can get the beta.
Yeah, if it would make me feel better. She says normally they would have the patients wait, but since it's me we could go ahead. Thanks, that really helps so much.
I asked when she would be calling the order in. She seemed surprised that I wanted it today... umm, why would I be calling if I didn't want it today? She said she would have it called in within the next half hour. Oh, but shit. The lab closes at 4pm, and it was around 3:35pm when I got off the phone... and it's over a 30 minute drive with after school and rush hour traffic (for some reason rush hour starts at 4 on the interstate)... yeah, no way I could make it. And very unlikely the order would have even been in before they closed.
So I guess insensitive nurse gets her way, and I will just wait this out and see what happens.
Spotting continues. Brown. Just like I had in my last pregnancy. Of course, it could be my period on it's way. Whatever. I am so done with this. I should have waited to test, but I'm a fucking moron. Am I pregnant, am I not, do I even fucking care at this point?
Damn. I feel stupid, and gyyped, and there's this crushing weight on my chest because this is it. This was the last real try for a biological child, at least for a very very long time. And I expected failure. I did. But not like this- I expected swift quick failure like last time. Now I have to wait and see how things progress tonight into tomorrow morning, and if mean bitch shows her face or not.
She tells me, "It's to early to tell, and it's to early for a beta to be definitive."
Bull shit. My beta at 11dpo was fucking definitive last pregnancy, and the rising time after showed that it was progressing. I don't see how doing a beta, and then a follow-up beta two days later, wouldn't be definitive in this scenerio.
I explained how my body metabolizes the trigger fast, and that I know when I ovulated (the evening of my IUI) But no, it's still too early to know for sure. I should wait till Friday, like I was supposed to. My IUI was on a Thursday, they told me two weeks after that to test. Umm, so Thursday is when they told me to test. So to add on to it, they're trying to make me wait yet another day for everything. Fucking hell.
I guess I was hysterical enough because, after she told me it sounds like the spotting just means my period is coming and the test doesn't mean anything, well then she tells me that if it will make me feel better I can get the beta.
Yeah, if it would make me feel better. She says normally they would have the patients wait, but since it's me we could go ahead. Thanks, that really helps so much.
I asked when she would be calling the order in. She seemed surprised that I wanted it today... umm, why would I be calling if I didn't want it today? She said she would have it called in within the next half hour. Oh, but shit. The lab closes at 4pm, and it was around 3:35pm when I got off the phone... and it's over a 30 minute drive with after school and rush hour traffic (for some reason rush hour starts at 4 on the interstate)... yeah, no way I could make it. And very unlikely the order would have even been in before they closed.
So I guess insensitive nurse gets her way, and I will just wait this out and see what happens.
Spotting continues. Brown. Just like I had in my last pregnancy. Of course, it could be my period on it's way. Whatever. I am so done with this. I should have waited to test, but I'm a fucking moron. Am I pregnant, am I not, do I even fucking care at this point?
Damn. I feel stupid, and gyyped, and there's this crushing weight on my chest because this is it. This was the last real try for a biological child, at least for a very very long time. And I expected failure. I did. But not like this- I expected swift quick failure like last time. Now I have to wait and see how things progress tonight into tomorrow morning, and if mean bitch shows her face or not.
Monday, November 16, 2009
It never ends-
So, after not properly testing it out I am not sure if my faint positive yesterday was because of pregnancy, or still from the trigger- I was 10 days past ovulation (dpo), otherwise known as 11 days after trigger. The last time my trigger was out 8 days later at 7dpo. So, technically it should be out.
A faint dollar tree test this morning showed a super faint positive as well. There wasn't really a line yesterday on that brand, but today there is a hard to see one. My First Response test last night definitely had a line, but it was light. I can't say it definitely wasn't the trigger though, unfortunately. So I planned on retesting today to see how that line is doing, if it went away, etc...
So I went upstairs just now to use the bathroom, and I found pink and red spotting. Great. Little late for implantation, so my guess is the end. I thought, okay, still going to test with the First Response test though... but even if it comes back positive I am still not going to hold onto any hope because all signs point to no.
So I tested... still a faint positive. Granted it was with diluted urine, but still... pretty darn faint.
Add that to my spotting and you get=
Fuck.
Looks like I may be adding another chemical pregnancy to my list.
Yes, yes, I know. It could very well still be viable or something or other if I really am pregnant.
I will call the doc tomorrow and annoy them about those possibilities. They probably don't want to hear it though, because they told me not to test until 14 days after my IUI.
I'm just going to curl into a ball and bawl my eyes out now.
ETA: I know it's still to early to confirm one way or another. But right now I feel like it is, and if I get my period tomorrow I will never know for sure. And that sucks big time. And it may be to early to say my period is on it's way too, except last time I had spotting at 12dpo and got my period in full force on 13dpo. Sooo... this is very similar except a day off (and except for the fact that I had negative tests on 10, 11, and 12dpo last time too) So... I am not 100%, as I said... I just feel like I know where this is going.
A faint dollar tree test this morning showed a super faint positive as well. There wasn't really a line yesterday on that brand, but today there is a hard to see one. My First Response test last night definitely had a line, but it was light. I can't say it definitely wasn't the trigger though, unfortunately. So I planned on retesting today to see how that line is doing, if it went away, etc...
So I went upstairs just now to use the bathroom, and I found pink and red spotting. Great. Little late for implantation, so my guess is the end. I thought, okay, still going to test with the First Response test though... but even if it comes back positive I am still not going to hold onto any hope because all signs point to no.
So I tested... still a faint positive. Granted it was with diluted urine, but still... pretty darn faint.
Add that to my spotting and you get=
Fuck.
Looks like I may be adding another chemical pregnancy to my list.
Yes, yes, I know. It could very well still be viable or something or other if I really am pregnant.
I will call the doc tomorrow and annoy them about those possibilities. They probably don't want to hear it though, because they told me not to test until 14 days after my IUI.
I'm just going to curl into a ball and bawl my eyes out now.
ETA: I know it's still to early to confirm one way or another. But right now I feel like it is, and if I get my period tomorrow I will never know for sure. And that sucks big time. And it may be to early to say my period is on it's way too, except last time I had spotting at 12dpo and got my period in full force on 13dpo. Sooo... this is very similar except a day off (and except for the fact that I had negative tests on 10, 11, and 12dpo last time too) So... I am not 100%, as I said... I just feel like I know where this is going.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Here's what I'd really like to say-
Today I thought I'd get some aggression out by writing some things out I haven't yet had the gall to say (and that's probably a good thing)
So here are some of the stupid things that have been said, or asked to us, over the past 31 months of infertility... and what I wish I had said in response to them. Let's start at the beginning and work our way up, shall we?
"Now, you don't know there's something wrong yet."
"Umm, yeah I do. I don't ovulate- which I'm sure to you is a bunch of gibberish, since you had four kids accidentally (with your first at fifteen), but see this 'ovulation' thing is kinda needed if I am going to have a biological child. But thanks for basically telling me I am making shit up- way to support me mom."
"You're lucky you can't get pregnant, you're not really missing out on anything. The stretch marks are awful, vomiting, hemorrhoids..." <- said by an ex-coworker
"Hmm, just because you hated carrying your child and creating life, doesn't mean I would feel the same. But, since you mention it... I am lucky, because I know the true value of life and how precious it is. I feel sorry for you."
"It could have been worse" <- said to me after my first miscarriage
"I'm infertile, and I just had a miscarriage after trying for a year- yeah, it could be so much worse. I could be trapped in a room with you and your insensitive comments for the rest of my life."
"You know, there are so many kids out there that need homes."
"Really? Why don't you fertiles adopt them then? I didn't realize it was my job to save the children."
"Well, you want to make sure you get a younger one. You don't want one of those broken ones, you know, that's been sexually abused and stuff." <- said about adoption by an immediate family member, who was actually molested and raped as a child
"Woah. I didn't realize that kids could be 'broken'. I guess that explains what happened to you"
"My husband's parents couldn't have kids. They adopted him, and then they relaxed and popped out four." <- said by my 'friend'
"Wow, so happy for them- but, umm, remember, I have a medical condition. Do you have ADD? A memory deficit? I have told you this about a hundred times, but you seem to just keep forgetting... maybe you need to relax, then you'll be able to remember better. It is a cure all, right? Will it cure my aunt's cancer too?"
"I kinda wish I was infertile."
"I kinda wish I was an insensitive prick like you. Then I would be able to tell you where to shove it, and how far to ram it up there."
"I told you it would happen!" <- said by my 'friend' when we found out we were pregnant the second time, after trying for two years
"Wow, I didn't know it happened because you said it would. I thought it happened because of all the pills I took, and all the sex I had with my husband."
"You know, there's nothing wrong with adoption" <- said by my my father-in-law to my husband after our second miscarriage
"Really? Did not know that. What the hell was I thinking- why have I been reading books about adoption and researching agencies and policies... the only important thing to know about it, is that there's nothing wrong with it. I must be over thinking this shit! I probably just need to relax."
"Is the reason you don't hang out with me so much because I have my baby? You know, I didn't plan him." <- said by my 'friend', who by the way stopped birth control to get pregnant, so... umm... he was planned
"No, I don't hang out with you because you're an insensitive bitch."
That's it for today. I may have more of these post in the future, because it felt really good to get that out! Probably not very good though, since I just unleashed my extreme negativity into the wild... but hey, it had to go somewhere.
So here are some of the stupid things that have been said, or asked to us, over the past 31 months of infertility... and what I wish I had said in response to them. Let's start at the beginning and work our way up, shall we?
"Now, you don't know there's something wrong yet."
"Umm, yeah I do. I don't ovulate- which I'm sure to you is a bunch of gibberish, since you had four kids accidentally (with your first at fifteen), but see this 'ovulation' thing is kinda needed if I am going to have a biological child. But thanks for basically telling me I am making shit up- way to support me mom."
"You're lucky you can't get pregnant, you're not really missing out on anything. The stretch marks are awful, vomiting, hemorrhoids..." <- said by an ex-coworker
"Hmm, just because you hated carrying your child and creating life, doesn't mean I would feel the same. But, since you mention it... I am lucky, because I know the true value of life and how precious it is. I feel sorry for you."
"It could have been worse" <- said to me after my first miscarriage
"I'm infertile, and I just had a miscarriage after trying for a year- yeah, it could be so much worse. I could be trapped in a room with you and your insensitive comments for the rest of my life."
"You know, there are so many kids out there that need homes."
"Really? Why don't you fertiles adopt them then? I didn't realize it was my job to save the children."
"Well, you want to make sure you get a younger one. You don't want one of those broken ones, you know, that's been sexually abused and stuff." <- said about adoption by an immediate family member, who was actually molested and raped as a child
"Woah. I didn't realize that kids could be 'broken'. I guess that explains what happened to you"
"My husband's parents couldn't have kids. They adopted him, and then they relaxed and popped out four." <- said by my 'friend'
"Wow, so happy for them- but, umm, remember, I have a medical condition. Do you have ADD? A memory deficit? I have told you this about a hundred times, but you seem to just keep forgetting... maybe you need to relax, then you'll be able to remember better. It is a cure all, right? Will it cure my aunt's cancer too?"
"I kinda wish I was infertile."
"I kinda wish I was an insensitive prick like you. Then I would be able to tell you where to shove it, and how far to ram it up there."
"I told you it would happen!" <- said by my 'friend' when we found out we were pregnant the second time, after trying for two years
"Wow, I didn't know it happened because you said it would. I thought it happened because of all the pills I took, and all the sex I had with my husband."
"You know, there's nothing wrong with adoption" <- said by my my father-in-law to my husband after our second miscarriage
"Really? Did not know that. What the hell was I thinking- why have I been reading books about adoption and researching agencies and policies... the only important thing to know about it, is that there's nothing wrong with it. I must be over thinking this shit! I probably just need to relax."
"Is the reason you don't hang out with me so much because I have my baby? You know, I didn't plan him." <- said by my 'friend', who by the way stopped birth control to get pregnant, so... umm... he was planned
"No, I don't hang out with you because you're an insensitive bitch."
That's it for today. I may have more of these post in the future, because it felt really good to get that out! Probably not very good though, since I just unleashed my extreme negativity into the wild... but hey, it had to go somewhere.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Slacker
I've started several blog posts this week, and saved them with the intent to publish- but never saw them through. I'm just a bit distracted I guess, perhaps intentionally so.
It probably helps that I haven't, and as a matter of fact still do not, feel well. The HCG trigger shot was kicking my ass with heartburn, then (what I believe was) ovulation felt like my ovaries had just went ahead and exploded in my abdominal cavity- leaving lots of fluid and shrapnel behind. My lower abdomen feels like it's been beaten, like it is bruised and trying like hell to mend. It was awful Thursday night and all of Friday, but it got better over the weekend. It's still sore though, and now only my ovary area hurts. I suppose I should be thankful for that. They do still hurt, still feel enlarged and uncomfortable- but I'll take it.
I've been trying to ignore my wait here. I am not the most optimistic, as I've said a hundred times, but I am anxious to know one way or another. I plan on testing on Monday the 16th- I should be 11 days past ovulation (dpo) by then. I got my positive tests at 11dpo with both of my last pregnancies, so we'll see. I know it's still early, but if it's negative I will be all the more prepared for it by the early testing- rather than waiting for my confirmation. But that's just me, we all have our preferences. I bought three dollar store tests, and don't plan on buying any more. I'm not even testing the trigger out this time, I am assuming it will be out by 8 or 9 days like before.
My in-laws normally have Thanksgiving at one of the parent's houses, since they're divorced. They threw us a curve ball this year though, and my sister-in-law is having it at her new house, with her family and her husband's family in attendance. Hmm, we've never had it at our house. Wonder why. Because we didn't suggest it? Because we were vegetarians? Because we have no kids? Because no one really likes us?
I'm probably just being bitchy, but we've been married three years- and they're newly weds. We've had our house for three years, the house my husband and his siblings grew up in, by the way- and no one even visits us here, don't call, don't say much to us when they do see us.
We weren't planning on going anyway, but they didn't know that. We found out they switched who was hosting it, because his sister called and asked what she could make for us to eat- yeah, we've been eating fish and turkey for awhile now, but no one knows this because they don't talk to us, so she thinks we're still strict vegetarians. Whatever.
She'll probably announce she's pregnant or something. I did the math... they're newly weds, he has a seven year old from a previous relationship and she has none yet, they just bought a house, they're having the get together at their house with all their family... seems logical to me, but it could be my infertile mind seeing things that aren't there.
But, I am an angry infertile bitch who hates kids- right?
On that note, I'm still having issues with my stupid friend. I told her we needed to just sit down in person and talk about our issues, (because I wasn't going to type it all out and have a drag out fight with fa.ceb.ook messages, even though she was all for it, as she was sending me angry assualting texts and messages online... umm, grow up)... but then I had my IUI and blew her off, because my ovaries were exploding and I didn't want to deal with her drama. And I mean it is ridiculous. She is being absolutely ridiculous- I've known her for over 17 years now, but I can't take much more of this crap.
Re-reading this... yup, I am extremely bitchy. I apologize for the excessive whiny-ness and use of swear words; I do try to tone it down usually. But, I'm just in one of those moods right now.
I had to take my cat with FIV to the vet. FIV is an immuno disease, like HIV in humans, so he can't fight off the simplest things. Well, he had the sniffles, which turned into the eyes/nose/mouth leakage crap... so he got shot up with high dose antibiotics, I have vitamins to give him, eye antibiotic, and ear drops (because to top it off he has ear mites again) Poor baby, he hates me when I come up to give him meds. But then he's all in my face trying to curl into my arms when we go to sleep... such a dork. Hopefully being aggressive with his treatment, he will get better.
Unfortunately, eventually illnesses and the disease itself taking a turn for the worse can be fatal for FIV cats. Lets hope that day is not today- I am optimistic that he will be on the mend, and have a long full life ahead of him. Until then though, he'll have to bear with me as I give him all those unpleasant medications. Poor boy.
It probably helps that I haven't, and as a matter of fact still do not, feel well. The HCG trigger shot was kicking my ass with heartburn, then (what I believe was) ovulation felt like my ovaries had just went ahead and exploded in my abdominal cavity- leaving lots of fluid and shrapnel behind. My lower abdomen feels like it's been beaten, like it is bruised and trying like hell to mend. It was awful Thursday night and all of Friday, but it got better over the weekend. It's still sore though, and now only my ovary area hurts. I suppose I should be thankful for that. They do still hurt, still feel enlarged and uncomfortable- but I'll take it.
I've been trying to ignore my wait here. I am not the most optimistic, as I've said a hundred times, but I am anxious to know one way or another. I plan on testing on Monday the 16th- I should be 11 days past ovulation (dpo) by then. I got my positive tests at 11dpo with both of my last pregnancies, so we'll see. I know it's still early, but if it's negative I will be all the more prepared for it by the early testing- rather than waiting for my confirmation. But that's just me, we all have our preferences. I bought three dollar store tests, and don't plan on buying any more. I'm not even testing the trigger out this time, I am assuming it will be out by 8 or 9 days like before.
My in-laws normally have Thanksgiving at one of the parent's houses, since they're divorced. They threw us a curve ball this year though, and my sister-in-law is having it at her new house, with her family and her husband's family in attendance. Hmm, we've never had it at our house. Wonder why. Because we didn't suggest it? Because we were vegetarians? Because we have no kids? Because no one really likes us?
I'm probably just being bitchy, but we've been married three years- and they're newly weds. We've had our house for three years, the house my husband and his siblings grew up in, by the way- and no one even visits us here, don't call, don't say much to us when they do see us.
We weren't planning on going anyway, but they didn't know that. We found out they switched who was hosting it, because his sister called and asked what she could make for us to eat- yeah, we've been eating fish and turkey for awhile now, but no one knows this because they don't talk to us, so she thinks we're still strict vegetarians. Whatever.
She'll probably announce she's pregnant or something. I did the math... they're newly weds, he has a seven year old from a previous relationship and she has none yet, they just bought a house, they're having the get together at their house with all their family... seems logical to me, but it could be my infertile mind seeing things that aren't there.
But, I am an angry infertile bitch who hates kids- right?
On that note, I'm still having issues with my stupid friend. I told her we needed to just sit down in person and talk about our issues, (because I wasn't going to type it all out and have a drag out fight with fa.ceb.ook messages, even though she was all for it, as she was sending me angry assualting texts and messages online... umm, grow up)... but then I had my IUI and blew her off, because my ovaries were exploding and I didn't want to deal with her drama. And I mean it is ridiculous. She is being absolutely ridiculous- I've known her for over 17 years now, but I can't take much more of this crap.
Re-reading this... yup, I am extremely bitchy. I apologize for the excessive whiny-ness and use of swear words; I do try to tone it down usually. But, I'm just in one of those moods right now.
I had to take my cat with FIV to the vet. FIV is an immuno disease, like HIV in humans, so he can't fight off the simplest things. Well, he had the sniffles, which turned into the eyes/nose/mouth leakage crap... so he got shot up with high dose antibiotics, I have vitamins to give him, eye antibiotic, and ear drops (because to top it off he has ear mites again) Poor baby, he hates me when I come up to give him meds. But then he's all in my face trying to curl into my arms when we go to sleep... such a dork. Hopefully being aggressive with his treatment, he will get better.
Unfortunately, eventually illnesses and the disease itself taking a turn for the worse can be fatal for FIV cats. Lets hope that day is not today- I am optimistic that he will be on the mend, and have a long full life ahead of him. Until then though, he'll have to bear with me as I give him all those unpleasant medications. Poor boy.
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