Sunday, January 25, 2015


They had the meeting and A's job is safe "for now." They decided to keep his department, but for how long... we are really sick of the job uncertainty of late, I can tell you that. A will continue looking for another job, but for now things should be okay. I am still going to tread water like they're not. I just don't trust the company he works for.

I still need to get into the doctor and get myself taken care of at some point here.

The kids are a hand full. ADORABLE ENERGETIC HANDS FULL. I love them. I'm tired. The girls are both scooting backwards, going in circles, and starting to prop up onto hands/knees. They steal thing from each other a lot more. J is devouring solids, G still thinks that anything other than the b.oob is blasphemy. V likes to tell me, "NO," and "Go away!" He is 3 going on 13. His vocabulary is exploding, we have some interesting conversations (mostly about dinosaurs and alligators).

My birthday is Friday. Still not really feeling it. We are planning on going out to lunch, then later dinner at a specific kids' play place restaurant. I went there as a kid, and for many years now I have joked about going there for my 30th birthday... I have been told that I have to go now. I'm sure V will love it, hopefully I will too.

Some day soon I will have a real post. I hope. I started a lot of posts and abandoned them in the past couple months. I would love to start blogging about other things, it's just hard right now.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Breathe in, breathe out.

We're still here, though I'm still very much in survival mode. My depression returned, and we've just hit a rough patch, and well, life can just be messy sometimes. The kids are all (currently) well. J does seem to be of a sensitive disposition, as she had a fever for almost 6 days over something (apparently) viral with no other symptoms. It started on V's birthday, and lasted through New Years, with a trip to her doctor. She also frequently boycotts sleep and has days/nights reversed, so that's rough. G is the easiest baby I've had, she falls asleep on schedule every night and sleeps until dawn. I keep joking that if all my babies were like G, I would have wanted 10. V is doing well, still high spirited, and recently turned 3 (!).

V's birthday was complicated by a sick baby, but his party went fine. The night before J kept us up all night, I had maybe 4 hours of sleep. A family member caused a lot of drama the morning of the party, which ended with us terminating the relationship after all was said and done. The party itself was great, V had so much fun seeing everyone. Later that night I was so tired I washed a pacifier and tried to give it to V, when I meant to give it to J. Then later I poured maple syrup in his milk, when I meant to pour chocolate.

I am beyond exhausted.

A found out a bit of bad news on Christmas Eve: he may lose his job in the coming months. They are talking about terminating his entire department and going a different route. He's been there for 8.5 years, and his job is our sole source of income. I have considered looking for a job, but it would be counter productive at this time- if I had a job we would need daycare for 3 children, and my milk supply would take a hit (I'm sure), which would mean buying formula for two babies. For now, A is looking and applying for jobs, while considering returning to school. He has already had a few interviews, but it's not going well because he never finished his degree. We are saving money and doing what we can. If worse comes to worse, we will evaluate our options with me working, even if that means other shifts.

We are trying to be proactive without borrowing worry right now. He may not lose it, he may keep his job until April, he might be fired tomorrow, we have no idea. I just wanted to make it through Christmas and V's birthday, and make them a good one- we'd already bought everything, so it was all taken care of at least. At least that hurdle is over.

My birthday is at the end of the month; I'll be turning 30. It feels like I should probably do something important for that, or care more, but all I can muster is a half-hearted, "Meh." Maybe I'll reflect more on that later.

My depression hit hard a few weeks before Christmas. I am considering going back on medication. I also have some other issues going on that are probably contributing to it, and I wonder if I can clear them up, how much that would help.

I have a persistent rash on my hands, I've been dealing with it since 2009 (has gotten worse every year since) but my PCP initially said it was dry skin so I never went back. It is not dry skin, or at least it's not just dry skin. It gets worse, and only seems to get better with Benadryl and Hydrocortizone cream. No amount of lotion, Coconut Oil, or Aquafor was helping. It goes from the back of my hands to the underside of my arm, to my elbows. It burns. It comes and goes. I'm thinking it's eczema, immune issues, or sensitivity to chemicals, and/or food allergies. The rash is always worse before bed. The dry skin makes it break open all over my hands/knuckles, so it feels like hundreds of little paper cuts sometimes. I have a problem of not going back and speaking up when I get blown off by a doctor. I know I have to advocate for myself, but it's hard sometimes.

The other issue is really that of my own doing. I decided to get an Mi.rena put in. I know the odds of me conceiving are low, but I wasn't willing to take chances (knowing my plate is already too full) so I got one. It would also have negated needing to take progesterone every few months for the withdraw bleed, due to my typical anovulation. Unfortunately, I have been spotting and bleeding since mid-October now, cramping off/on. It is really getting to me. I want it take out, but I also don't want to make the drive, pay the money, or go through the pain of having it removed. My OB wants me to give it six months for my body to adjust, but I honestly don't want to deal with this for three more months.

There are other stresses, but I've already bored you with enough. I am just in a funk and things have been harder for me than I'd like to admit. I'm hoping that as this year goes on, we can get things back on track. There are a lot of things I'd like to get started for the new year... a daily schedule for my own benefit, and V's, or making more things at home to save money, maybe writing again or finding more 'me' time. I don't know. I just know that I need to turn things around.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

5 months

We are still here... it's still crazy... but we're still making it through each day, so I can't really complain. The girls are 5 months old today. We are still nursing. J is still my fussy one, and had even further regressed with sleep. I don't know if it's because she's teething (I see two teeth buds on the bottom), or something else is going on, but whew. WHEW. I just can not recover here.

I did Holiday photos the other day... I thought some turned out nice, I'll share a couple here. Most of them were photobombed by the cats, but eh. Good enough, hahaha. The cats are family too, so it works... right?

Friday, November 14, 2014

Kids, life, and all that

Thanks for all the kind words on my last post. Things are still very hard, but every day we get through is... well, another day we get through!

The girls turned 4 months a couple weeks ago now. They've grown so much. J is rolling a lot, and G is a grabber. G is almost an inch and 2lbs more than J now, she loves to eat and sleep. J is our wild child, she is wiry and fierce. By the end of this month I'm going to have to move G into 6-9 month clothes, J has been about a month behind wardrobe switches so she'll probably make it until mid-December before she needs to. They babble a lot, and notice each other more each day. They love V, he amuses them to no end.

They had their first Halloween, it was cold and wet so we stayed in and passed out candy. V enjoyed going door to door with daddy though. J was Supergirl, G was Batgirl, and V was Spiderman- my superhero troupe.
J and G

We've went to the zoo a lot in the past couple months; V asks to go every single day but it's a bit of a drive and always quite the ordeal! We've been going about once every week or two though. It's really nice to get out of the house, and there's no comparison for how happy it makes that kid. Now that it's cooler we won't be going for awhile. He plays pretend at home though, he sets up his own little zoo and pretend dinosaur boat ride, and he has to show me. We have to go through his little zoo. He has quite the imagination.
V & the T-rex

V does throw a lot of tantrums, makes a lot of messes, and can be a handful. He doesn't focus very well still, has poor listening skills, and he is very independent. By that I mean he wants to just run off and explore, and isn't afraid of anything (except large stuffed costume characters). He is an unstoppable force. He can be very focused, when he chooses to be. He tests boundaries like it's his business, and business is good right now. He's doing so much better than when the girls first came home, but it's still chaos. I feel like we're doing okay most days, but some days I just feel like a failure. Hopefully as we keep working on things it will improve.

He has been having night terrors about 1-3 times a month, and those are really disconcerting. He hasn't had one for a few weeks (knock on wood) and I hope it stays that way. He usually starts screaming, "Nooooooo!" or, "Mommmy!" and thrashing for a good 10-30 minutes, just screaming and crying in his sleep. After I learned how to deal with them it's gone better, the first few times we tried to wake him because we didn't know what was happening. Now I just turn his nightlight on and talk softly to him, and it's over on the quicker end of the spectrum. There is a family history on both sides, so he was at higher risk for them. They suck so much though. The fewer we have to deal with, the better!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Life these days...

People keep asking me how I am, my go to response is simply, "Exhausted." We chuckle, and then skip over to whatever they wanted to talk about.

I try to keep up, but while they're talking I'm usually wrangling a child, nursing, washing dishes, or trying to watch TV during my very limited "me" time. The truth is... things have been hard. I am exhausted from the moment I wake up, until the moment I go down. A toddler and infant twins is hard work. Work I love and would not trade for the world, but I also feel like I'm imploding. My walls are breaking down, I snap more at everyone, I am physically and mentally exhausted, I'm having trouble putting sentences together sometimes, my reserves are just depleted. I'm hoping I can get some "me" time soon, even if it's just a hair cut, because right now all I get is a daily shower and if I'm very lucky an hour while all the kids nap at the same time. I'm having one of those rare moments right now.

It's not even the cleaning, because let's be honest... I'm lucky if I get the dishes washed every day. And I have to get the dishes washed (no dishwashing machine) otherwise I can't make dinner. It's more... the feeling of constantly being needed, of never getting time to turn off my awareness. Awareness of where the kids are, are they okay, who needs food, who needs changed, who needs their clothes changed, who needs bathed, who needs.... always who needs what. I often forget about my own needs... I would forget to shower if my hair wasn't so greasy (yay hormones) and I wasn't breastfeeding.

I forget a lot these days. Blood work was fine, my doctor thinks it's just mental exhaustion- if it gets worse, come back in. In the meantime, well, I'm really absentminded. Until I get better... or I don't. I say the opposite word sometimes, forget the word I'm looking for, etc.. It's unnerving.

I am not complaining. I love my children, and I love our life. I am just swamped, with very little help. I'm trying to remind myself that this phase will pass... probably sooner than I want it too. A goes above and beyond helping me with the kids, but I'm still here alone with all the kids half the day. I'm the only one who can feed the girls since we're breastfeeding. Our families don't really have anything to do with us. A couple of them might visit the kids for an hour or two, but that doesn't help me at all... it just means our daily routine gets disrupted, and I might have to clean.

It's not all doom and gloom, honest. I get giggles, and coos, in the morning I get the most beautiful smiles. V makes me laugh so much my sides hurt some nights. Watching them grow, and start to interact with each other, is the greatest privilege in the world. These children are worth the struggle I went through to have them, and what I'm going through right now.

I just need a chance to recharge.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Three months

The girls turned three months yesterday. I am still exhausted, but doing my best to function. The girls were sleeping through the night, then they stopped, now they seem to be back at it. They've also been cluster feeding before bed the last few nights. They're getting too big for their bassinets and we'll be moving them out of them this week.

I'm feeling very grateful and excited because I've now been nursing longer than I was able to with V. I have no problem with formula feeding, it was a huge relief when we switched to formula with V, but I am still very thankful that things have went so much better this time around. We haven't had to supplement at all, and my supply has managed to keep up. So, first goal met! My next goal is just every month from here on out, with a plan to nurse until at least a year.

The girls are growing well, getting ready to go up a size of clothes (although G is getting there sooner than J). They coo and laugh a lot, although G does tend to talk more. J is great at holding herself up, and can even roll over, while G isn't quite there yet. They're really starting to notice their surroundings, each other, and big brother V too. They are very different girls and it's amazing watching their personalities really come out.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014


It's been exhausting here. Napping when the kids nap isn't an option unfortunately. Even on the days that I get enough sleep, I still struggle to function. I struggle to make coherent thoughts sometimes, so sorry if this is rambley- WORDS ARE HARD.

My PCOS issues are rearing their ugly heads in the form of skin tags and dark skin patches. I can't take supplements for my PCOS, since I don't know how much of what may cross my breast milk. Instead I stay on my Metformin, and hope that it can get things in check. I'm also hoping it can help me keep my weight in check. I can't really do a thing about weight loss because I need 1,000 extra calories a day to maintain my breast milk supply for the girls. Exercising is hard because I have such a small window of opportunity to do anything between feedings, and I'd rather use the time to relax or clean. So, I just work at making healthier choices and hope I can maintain.

I gained 73 lbs while pregnant, I've lost 42 since then leaving me with 31 lbs left to go. I started at a size 16 and now I'm back up to a size 22. My lack of wardrobe sucks... I had kept some of my larger clothing though, so that is at least a saving grace. It's taking me awhile to recover my stamina and strength, but I think I'm slowly getting there. I'll be honest, my body dysmorphia rears it's ugly head from time to time too. I'm really good at shutting myself up though, because really my body is pretty amazing. In the past year I have grown and sustained two other human beings, and I'm continuing to sustain them even now... I need to lay off my body! It did something I didn't even know it was capable of, and I owe it a lot.

I'm still exclusively nursing the twins. They are growing and thriving, and my supply seems to be keeping up. J seems to be going through a growth spurt or something, because she's been wanting to cluster feed. I am eating like a hobbit while nursing them, because I am hungry ALL THE TIME. I seriously eat every 2-3 hours; it's like the first/second trimester with them all over again. Except physically I feel much better than I did then, heh.

I went in and finally got some blood work done with my primary doctor. I was really putting it off. I need to go ahead and get some stuff done for me, I'm just terrible about doing it. It's hard to get away from the girls since I'm nursing though, and I just put things off and put things off...

So that's where things are. The girls are napping right now, and V is chilling out... this is a rare moment. I think I should go do something else now... like snack haha.