Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Life in Transition

A lot of things have happened since I last posted. A got a new job, we moved to another state, and the kids have grown so much. We had to switch everything, it was such a long process.

I am exhausted all the time, it's just a state of being. I've been struggling with my depression, as a result my medication has been increased twice now. It's better than it was though, I am managing alright most days. Miraculously, now that I don't need it, my body has begun cycling on it's own. At least I don't needs medicine to induce I suppose. It would have been nice if I could have gotten it to do this 8 years ago though.

The twins are walking and talking, interacting, collaborating, and keeping me on my toes. We are still nursing, usually twice a day. They also eat solid foods like beasts. V is turning 4 this month, and I still can't process that. We're still having a lot of issues with him; we have good days and bad days. I'm hoping that we can get him into a preschool at some point here, I think it will do him good.

All that to say, we're alive and we're okay. Life is in transition, and it's a process.

Here's to hoping everyone has a peaceful holiday. Best wishes.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

A Year Old, Times Two

We already had their party, but their birthday is today. It amazes me how much children grow and change in a year. My little babies are, well, not babies anymore. They walk, they can say words, they can climb almost anything, they are vocal and will tell you what's what.

They amaze me constantly.

We are still nursing, which means I've met my goal. We'll likely keep nursing for awhile yet. I never thought it would work out this long- I had hoped, but certainly not counted, on it working out. It's been a huge relief for us all. They eat a lot of solids now in addition to nursing, and get more confident even with just their two teeth a piece.

They play a lot more with V now too. Which is great but also harrowing. He doesn't understand boundaries, and neither do they. What is too rough for them, versus him, is at a different level. It results in a lot of, "GET OFF YOUR SISTER," "DON'T TACKLE," "DON'T PUSH HER DOWN," "IT'S NOT FUNNY, SHE'S CRYING." It's trying. He means well (most of the time), so it's just something we have to work through. Much like them all tackling the cats.

And so we close and say goodbye to our baby years. While we haven't 100% ruled out the possibility of a 4th someday, I can tell you that I feel complete with how things are. Unlike with V, where I felt the incompleteness, I now feel resolved. When I pack their things away to sell, I feel sadness but very little (if any) doubt. I'm mostly relieved, to tell you the truth.

I don't know how much more I will post here. It's harder and harder to get on here, and I feel I have less and less to say. More often than not, I'm so drained I can't write more than a quick status update. I still give support and advice where I can, but I don't know how much more I can say here other than... though the path wasn't the one that I would have chosen, I've had many wonderful companions along the way, and for that I am truly grateful. Thank you.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Foward momentum

The girls will be one next week. This Christmastime Vincent will be 4, he'll have been out of my womb for as long as it took us to conceive him. Time has a way of passing by before you know it. Those dark nights, filled with tears and hollowness, gave way to exhaustion and fulfillment. I am one of the lucky ones, and I will never lose sight of that.

For years our life was stagnant, we remained stuck due to our infertility and my recurrent losses. Our choices were forced. We had to take less risks. We had to stay near my doctors, hospitals, that understood my issues. We had to cut corners, cut costs, to save and save for treatments. Stay in positions that we would rather not.

A's job chose to terminate his department, doing away with his software, and we were once again forced to make a decision. It was time, something we were pursuing anyway, but this pushed the decision for us. And he found another position, a better position. I am so thankful. We spent months panicking, but we were lucky and this new position came through. We will likely be relocating to another state for this job. Another big change. And I find that it's time. I'm ready to move on. The things that held us here, no longer do. There is so much happiness, and so much sorrow, tied into where we are. We never planned to stay here this long. I don't know where life will take us after this, but I'm ready.

The girls' party is next weekend, I'm looking forward to celebrating their first year. And my surviving it, because it has not been easy. I still struggle, but little by little I think things are getting better. My fog of depression is lifting, and I can breathe a little easier. One day at a time.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Closing in on 11 months

We are cruising along (haha). The girls are growing fast. J is getting really good at walking, while G can take a few steps here and there. They can say a few words, although J is really taking off there too. They eat a lot of solids now, and still nurse a lot during the day too. They both dance and climb everything. They are trouble. They also throw little tantrums when they don't get their way now, so that's fun!

I am doing a little better? The shot for my dequervain worked wonderfully. My anti-depressants seem to be helping some. A will be losing his job in the coming months though, the company decided to terminate his department after all. He has several interviews this week and we are hoping something works out soon. His job has been our sole source of income, so this has been really stressful for us all. I believe that things are going to work out though. I really do.

One day at a time.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

10 months out

We've survived 10 months now. It's hard to believe that they'll be a year in just two months.

G got the first tooth amongst them, we are standing strong as one between them. They are both crawling and cruising all over the place. J is a mountain climber and scales anything and everything. They are still nursing a lot, and eating a lot more solids. They continue to be two completely different children, J dancing and G drumming. J follows V, and G follows J. The girls wrestle a lot now, and it's scary yet adorable.

Things for me have been... rough. I have bad mommy thumb (De Quervain Syndrome). It's gotten increasingly painful, despite using a splint and Ibuprofen around the clock. I am scheduled to get steroid injections in my wrist, but the soonest I could get in was weeks from now. For now... dealing with it as best I can.

I also had to go back on anti-depressants. Things haven't gotten better and while normally I can weather my "funks" alright... I've been struggling a lot. It will take time for the medicine to kick in, but hopefully after it does I'll see some improvement.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

April Fools late

About two weeks ago I noticed some signs that made me pause, and wonder, if I might have been ovulating. A few days ago I had some pains, originating from my right ovary, that made me wonder if I had... or if I just had another cyst, a la PCOS. The morning we were leaving for vacation, I woke up seeing red.

What. the. hell?

In the past 12+ years my body has done a lot of nothing. I can count, on one hand, the times I have knowingly ovulated on my own. But hey, now that I'm not trying, still nursing twins, a complete hormonal mess, back to my old (heavier) weight, and the very idea of another baby scares the beejesus out of me... yeah, sure, LET'S OVULATE. And time the cycle to start exactly the day you're leaving for vacation.

Thanks Body, you're so funny

I am left completely confused.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

9 months

The girls will be 9 months tomorrow, and we're still surviving. We have good days, we have bad days. All the kids, except G, hate sleeping now. V frequently wakes a few hours early and tries to get in bed with us. J has been waking up at 3-5a to nurse again, after refusing to go to sleep for the past couple weeks. V has been playing with them more. They're all mobile, and frequently get into shenanigans together. J is pulling up to stand on things. I'm still nursing, and the girls are eating more solids.

A's job is still rocky, and his job search has not been going well. Everything kept going back to him not finishing his degree. So... he has enrolled back in college. God help us. He's going to be working full time, going to school, and I am going to be even more on my own. If I had the money for a helper, I would hire one, but we don't. I really want V to be ready for pre-school this year, but it doesn't look like he'll be ready. So, we'll have to see how things go. A hasn't scheduled classes yet or anything, so we'll know more after he gets through that process... right now he's just been accepted. I won't lie, I'm scared of what this will mean for our home life. As scared as I am, I know we have no option- he needs a different job, and the only way he is going to do that is to finish his degree.

Ending on a more positive note... these exhausting yet adorable kids: