This isn't a real post, just an update. Still negative, sooooo... no surprises there.
Guess I'll be buying more OPKs for next month and we'll play the "Will she ovulate, or won't she?" game. PCOS FTW!!! Except not.
I have a lot of house projects to keep me occupied, so that helps. I do my best to keep busy, it's the only way I know how to cope. Other than eating. A lot.
I won't lie and say I'm not disappointed. Even though the negative was expected, I was still hoping. Which just makes me feel like an idiot. Like, my body said, "Really? You think that you could get another pregnancy in just 4 lousy cycles. HA! As if." Everything is one big joke to my body when it comes to reproduction.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
That's a negatve, Captain-
*sigh* Negative this morning. I know it's still early, but I feel pretty despondent. I got out for a walk, bought a consolation iced mocha, now I'm trying to chill at home. It's so hot out right now.
We aren't doing another medicated cycle right now, it's just not in the cards. I can't afford to have more testing done, because our insurance won't cover anything. *I'm going to call my clinic and ask how the SHG would be coded anyway though. Just in case it's not coded as infertility. Not holding my breath. I don't know what to do, or what's going on. I feel at a loss. We did the deed every day during the fertile period the last 4 cycles, so there's no timing issues. I took all precautions I could with the added estrogen and everything else. We had follicles, we triggered, we did progesterone, my TSH is under control... And yet, nothing is happening. I know 4 cycles is just a drop of water in the ocean, but it makes me wonder if we're missing something. If something has changed since my c-section. If something has changed on A's side of things.
I wish infertility didn't have to be so demanding. That so much didn't hinge on financing. I want to have another child, not a mansion or a fancy car, I don't feel like I'm asking for much. I know that I'm extremely fortunate to have V, that there are some women who will never get one child, and I know how close we came to that ourselves. V is our lucky fluke. Who knows if everything will ever align just right again?
I hate knowing what we need to do, and not being able to do it. I know we should re-do all our testing, but we can't afford it. I know we should have jumped right back into injects, but we can't afford that. I would move on to adoption if we could, but I've never had that kind of capital in my life. I hate feeling like I have to pay for the right to have a child. It's like I'm standing in line and someone is just passing out kids, but when my turn comes up they tell me "Okay, that'll be $3,000. And then we'll give you one ticket for the raffle, where you'll have a 25% chance of winning." Except I don't have $3,000, so all I can do is shake my head and slowly walk away.
**ETA: Called the clinic, and I'll need another consult to check on coding and what testing we should get done. The nurse said that it would be coded as diagnostic and not infertility, but that's no help when it comes to checking with my insurance. She said we'd have to get a consult and see what Dr. M says. She's out for the next two weeks though, and I'm in no hurry. We'll just wait until later this summer for the consult and testing I guess.
We aren't doing another medicated cycle right now, it's just not in the cards. I can't afford to have more testing done, because our insurance won't cover anything. *I'm going to call my clinic and ask how the SHG would be coded anyway though. Just in case it's not coded as infertility. Not holding my breath. I don't know what to do, or what's going on. I feel at a loss. We did the deed every day during the fertile period the last 4 cycles, so there's no timing issues. I took all precautions I could with the added estrogen and everything else. We had follicles, we triggered, we did progesterone, my TSH is under control... And yet, nothing is happening. I know 4 cycles is just a drop of water in the ocean, but it makes me wonder if we're missing something. If something has changed since my c-section. If something has changed on A's side of things.
I wish infertility didn't have to be so demanding. That so much didn't hinge on financing. I want to have another child, not a mansion or a fancy car, I don't feel like I'm asking for much. I know that I'm extremely fortunate to have V, that there are some women who will never get one child, and I know how close we came to that ourselves. V is our lucky fluke. Who knows if everything will ever align just right again?
I hate knowing what we need to do, and not being able to do it. I know we should re-do all our testing, but we can't afford it. I know we should have jumped right back into injects, but we can't afford that. I would move on to adoption if we could, but I've never had that kind of capital in my life. I hate feeling like I have to pay for the right to have a child. It's like I'm standing in line and someone is just passing out kids, but when my turn comes up they tell me "Okay, that'll be $3,000. And then we'll give you one ticket for the raffle, where you'll have a 25% chance of winning." Except I don't have $3,000, so all I can do is shake my head and slowly walk away.
**ETA: Called the clinic, and I'll need another consult to check on coding and what testing we should get done. The nurse said that it would be coded as diagnostic and not infertility, but that's no help when it comes to checking with my insurance. She said we'd have to get a consult and see what Dr. M says. She's out for the next two weeks though, and I'm in no hurry. We'll just wait until later this summer for the consult and testing I guess.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
The wait-
10dpo and still holding strong. Ish. I've been rather crampy this TWW, so hope keeps creepin' in.
I hate that.
Still trying to find distractions. Video games help. I probably should take some of that anxiety out on the treadmill... I've been slacking there. Big time. Not good!
We did go to the drive-in on Friday, and we enjoyed the new Star Trek. It was a pretty nice night. V was mostly well behaved for the movie, playing with his toys and snacking. I don't know if we'll try that very often this summer though, whew. He did get a little rowdy, but that's to be expected.
We went to the zoo today, but A had an episode while we were there. Between the heat and the crowds it probably wasn't the best idea with the issues he's been having. The meds they put him on help some, but they aren't working that great. Maybe it'll take a bit longer to kick in? I don't know.
So we left early. We took V to the Dino exhibit first, which is why I wanted to go today. He enjoyed the animatronic dinosaurs. Well, until one spit water in his face. That did not go down well! Up until then, he was loving it though. He was really excited to pet the "dinosaur" one of the workers was holding. It was a puppet, just FYI (Shhh, don't tell!) He was really tickled about that though, reached right out! He smiled at the roaring ones, and just looked at me like "Mom, do you SEE this?!" He's really into Dinosaurs right now. He has a walking/roaring toy dragon that he opens the mouth of and goes "Rawr!" and kisses. Dragon. Dinosaur. Close enough for him, ha.
Anyway... hopefully tomorrow will pass quickly. I want to test then, but part of me says to hold out until Tuesday. I know I can't do that though. I have no willpower anymore. It's sad. Tomorrow it is. Hopefully evening, rather than morning. I usually have better results then.
I hate that.
Still trying to find distractions. Video games help. I probably should take some of that anxiety out on the treadmill... I've been slacking there. Big time. Not good!
We did go to the drive-in on Friday, and we enjoyed the new Star Trek. It was a pretty nice night. V was mostly well behaved for the movie, playing with his toys and snacking. I don't know if we'll try that very often this summer though, whew. He did get a little rowdy, but that's to be expected.
We went to the zoo today, but A had an episode while we were there. Between the heat and the crowds it probably wasn't the best idea with the issues he's been having. The meds they put him on help some, but they aren't working that great. Maybe it'll take a bit longer to kick in? I don't know.
So we left early. We took V to the Dino exhibit first, which is why I wanted to go today. He enjoyed the animatronic dinosaurs. Well, until one spit water in his face. That did not go down well! Up until then, he was loving it though. He was really excited to pet the "dinosaur" one of the workers was holding. It was a puppet, just FYI (Shhh, don't tell!) He was really tickled about that though, reached right out! He smiled at the roaring ones, and just looked at me like "Mom, do you SEE this?!" He's really into Dinosaurs right now. He has a walking/roaring toy dragon that he opens the mouth of and goes "Rawr!" and kisses. Dragon. Dinosaur. Close enough for him, ha.
Anyway... hopefully tomorrow will pass quickly. I want to test then, but part of me says to hold out until Tuesday. I know I can't do that though. I have no willpower anymore. It's sad. Tomorrow it is. Hopefully evening, rather than morning. I usually have better results then.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
TWW and decisions-
Time is really dragging here. 7dpo. I plan to test on Monday, and again Thursday. Yesterday I tested to see if the trigger is still in my system, it's normally out by 8-9dpt. Seeing as to how it was only 7dpt, of course it was still positive. I knew it was too soon, but I guess part of me wanted to remember what a positive test looked like. Hahaha. Yeah. I'll check again tomorrow, it should be out by then
I'm about 98% decided that we won't be doing another medicated cycle, at least until October. The more I think about it, the more compelling to reasons to skip this next month. I'm not saying we'll TTA, but we'll go natural and see what happens. Hopefully I'll get a rebound ovulation. Financially, I think it would be a stretch. A's health and anxiety is something else to consider. And at the end of June my sister is planning to visit; I haven't seen her or her kids in 2 years. She hasn't met V yet either, so that's exciting. So, I don't want to be busy and focused on treatments. We're hoping to rent a cabin as a family and have a little get away, spend some quality time together. Which, again, free time and finances are a factor.
So, the more I think about it, the more sense it makes to skip next month. Do I want to? Not really. But I think it'll be for the best. In July I plan on going back on birth control pills to regulate things and prevent until after my friend's wedding.
Not that I haven't already said this a hundred times, but it would be really nice if this cycle worked and all this hemming and hawing was for nothing. And the EDD would by birthday. You know I looked that up. Because I'm a masochist.
Hopefully this weekend will offer some distraction. The new Star Trek movie is coming out tomorrow, and if the weather cooperates I'd like to see it at the drive-in. Oh yeah, because they're open now! I'm excited. It looks like it might rain though so that could put a damper on things. But, hopefully ONE day will be clear enough. If one of the days clears up I'm hoping to head out to the zoo too. The forecast has been pretty crappy lately. It changes day to day, but it basically says rain, rain, rain, maybe rain, maybe rain, rain... I have to check the weather doppler before I even leave the house. Arggh! Not that a little rain is bad, it just makes getting out of the house more difficult. Especially for getting out of doors and walking.
I'm about 98% decided that we won't be doing another medicated cycle, at least until October. The more I think about it, the more compelling to reasons to skip this next month. I'm not saying we'll TTA, but we'll go natural and see what happens. Hopefully I'll get a rebound ovulation. Financially, I think it would be a stretch. A's health and anxiety is something else to consider. And at the end of June my sister is planning to visit; I haven't seen her or her kids in 2 years. She hasn't met V yet either, so that's exciting. So, I don't want to be busy and focused on treatments. We're hoping to rent a cabin as a family and have a little get away, spend some quality time together. Which, again, free time and finances are a factor.
So, the more I think about it, the more sense it makes to skip next month. Do I want to? Not really. But I think it'll be for the best. In July I plan on going back on birth control pills to regulate things and prevent until after my friend's wedding.
Not that I haven't already said this a hundred times, but it would be really nice if this cycle worked and all this hemming and hawing was for nothing. And the EDD would by birthday. You know I looked that up. Because I'm a masochist.
Hopefully this weekend will offer some distraction. The new Star Trek movie is coming out tomorrow, and if the weather cooperates I'd like to see it at the drive-in. Oh yeah, because they're open now! I'm excited. It looks like it might rain though so that could put a damper on things. But, hopefully ONE day will be clear enough. If one of the days clears up I'm hoping to head out to the zoo too. The forecast has been pretty crappy lately. It changes day to day, but it basically says rain, rain, rain, maybe rain, maybe rain, rain... I have to check the weather doppler before I even leave the house. Arggh! Not that a little rain is bad, it just makes getting out of the house more difficult. Especially for getting out of doors and walking.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Hemming and hawing-
It's only 5dpo... right now time exists in a vacuum.
In my need for distraction, I walked to the library again and got some books. It's good exercise, and really in this town where else would I go? I got three books, in anticipation of all the rain this week. Hopefully they'll help pass the time.
I don't think we're doing another cycle next month. I mean, we'll try on our own, but I don't think we're going to use meds. Maybe we will, but without monitoring. I just keep waffling about it. We'll do it. We won't. We will. We won't.
I don't know.
A started having some health issues this past week. The doctors are doing a lot of blood work, but they think he's having panic attacks. He's been having a lot of stress at work, and I don't think fertility treatments are helping anything there either. Which is yet another reason I think we should skip the last cycle. A really wants to keep trying though, so I don't know what we're doing.
We will. We won't. We will. We won't.
Maybe we'll get lucky and this cycle will work (with a viable pregnancy). Problem solved.
I keep saying that, but I don't really believe it will happen.
C'mon Monday.
In my need for distraction, I walked to the library again and got some books. It's good exercise, and really in this town where else would I go? I got three books, in anticipation of all the rain this week. Hopefully they'll help pass the time.
I don't think we're doing another cycle next month. I mean, we'll try on our own, but I don't think we're going to use meds. Maybe we will, but without monitoring. I just keep waffling about it. We'll do it. We won't. We will. We won't.
I don't know.
A started having some health issues this past week. The doctors are doing a lot of blood work, but they think he's having panic attacks. He's been having a lot of stress at work, and I don't think fertility treatments are helping anything there either. Which is yet another reason I think we should skip the last cycle. A really wants to keep trying though, so I don't know what we're doing.
We will. We won't. We will. We won't.
Maybe we'll get lucky and this cycle will work (with a viable pregnancy). Problem solved.
I keep saying that, but I don't really believe it will happen.
C'mon Monday.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Distractions!
I finally finished my Star Trek skirt. For serious. It is amazing. I'll probably never wear it out of the house (maybe to a convention or something haha). It is both poofy, and seizure inducing. It makes me happy though, and for my first patterned sewing project in 15 years, it didn't turn out half bad. I did learn that I can't sew a straight hem to save my life. I also can't sew a straight line. But we're going to pretend that both those flaws give it more character!Yeah. That.
So, there's that.
I also walked to the library today (3 miles, woot!) and got some books. I figured I'd try a new author, I have a hard time breaking out of my Sci-Fi favorites. It was nice to get some fresh air, out of the house, and hey... can't go wrong with the library and being surrounded by glorious books! It's too bad that the little guy gets cranky the moment I step in there. He wants to run around and touch all the things, so I push him down the aisle in his stroller and he's all "I'm king of the world!" groping madly at the shelves. Ah, I love this kid.
I'm not jogging today. So, fail there. The bruise on my belly is really bad, and I did not want to deal with that. I did walk today, and almost burned as many calories as I would have jogging, so it's all good. Sort of. Hopefully I can get my jog in tomorrow or Saturday.
Tomorrow I'm hoping to just relax and chill at home. Overall. This weekend we have to get Mother's Day squared away... I still don't know what I'm doing for my mom. Something. I still have a love/hate relationship with Mother's Day, but I'm looking forward to it more this year. I'm eating somewhere nice, and that's all I care about. Ha. There's a reason my weight loss has stalled...
Re-reading through this post... yeah, I don't seem like a complete and utter dork at all.
Not. in. the. least. Sci-fi/fantasy obsessed much? Me? Nooooo.
Oh yeah, our cat had his surgery today. He lost 7 teeth, but got to keep 4. Yeah, that's all he had. He's already acting like he feels a million times better, so that's fantastic! They gave him an antiseptic scrub after removing them, but he's also on another round of antibiotics as a precaution (because of his condition). They gave us a slight discount, so it was cheaper than it should have been, but at the same time it costs more than estimated because of how much work he needed done. But he's mending... so that's what matters.
I still don't know if we're going to do another cycle of treatment though. I think it would cut our finances closer than I'd like. A really wants to move forward with a final cycle, should this one fail... but I just don't know. Right now I'm sort of taking a "wait and see" approach. Ugh. It would be really nice if this cycle would work.
Just saying.
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