It didn't take long before the asinine comments started to roll in from people I know in real life. You know, I went through hell the other night. I have been talking about how much pain I'm in, and how disenchanted I am with the whole pregnancy business. And I know people are just trying to be helpful, I know, that's why I haven't ripped any faces off yet... but if I hear a single more story about how they know "so and so," and "so and so" went on after 2, 5, 8, enter expletive amount, of miscarriages, and they have a living breathing child... etc... How so and so adopted, and then a few years later out popped a baby from her infertile womb. Telling me that I am doing so well, that if I just hang in there it will happen... That I should not "give up."
All those people, they are the exception. They are not the fucking rule. One, if I get pregnant again there is a good chance it will be another miscarriage unless we can find a cause that can be treated. Two, if I stop trying biologically, and I adopt, chances are that I will not just magically fall pregnant and have a completely uneventful pregnancy. I will still be infertile and at high risk for miscarriage. I may somehow find myself pregnant down the road, but that does not mean baby.
And even if I have a baby, that will not heal what is broken inside my heart. It will not make me whole. My life was changed the moment my doctor told me that I may not be able to have children. My marriage changed the moment my husband refused to leave my non-child bearing ass, and he said to me, "If I can't have children with you, I don't want to have children with anybody. I love you."
I know that many of you ladies on here hold hope, and some of you are the exception. That's fine, I am thrilled that there are exceptions. And you, you've been here too. I rather enjoy hearing your stories... that does make me feel good. It keeps my eyes open. But I also know many, many, of you are the rule, just like me.
But these people in real life, they haven't been here. Most of them are referring to their mothers, cousins, friends, or a totally fictional woman. To them I say, take those exceptions and keep them away from me. Millions of woman every day live by the rule, I know more infertile people than anyone I know in real life. I know very well what the rule is and how it affects our lives. The exceptions, while I am happy for them, have never been me.
And if one more person tells me that if I adopt I may end up pregnant, so help me god I will tell them to shove their heads further up their own asses. If I adopt I will not be trying to have a biological child for many years. Not actively. I will never prevent anything from happening, but unless my body decides to work at a random interval, which happens (And is the exception, not the rule.) Then so be it. But I am not going to push my luck. If I get an adopted child, I can be content until the urge to have more children resurfaces.
Then I will either try biologically again, or adopt again. Adoption will not magically cure me from either my infertility, or my desire to expand my family.
In closing, I am the rule and not the exception.
If I get lucky I would love to be the exception... but I would not hold my breath on that happening.
I am emotional, hormonally imbalanced, and living on narcotics at the moment. Maybe I am being irrational... but I don't want sunshine blown up my ass right now. I don't want people who know nothing of my pain trying to soothe my wounds that they themselves have never known. I don't want them to say, "So sorry, don't give up. It will happen." I just want an, "I'm sorry for your loss." Period, zip. Peace, shalom.
I guess it's just the way they say these things, trying to soothe a pain they can't begin to imagine. They don't know what it's like to see what was supposed to be your baby, floating in the toilet. The feel of contractions for hours on end. Don't give up... like "giving up" or trying again is something easy to do. Like it's really that simple. Like you're just supposed to forget the contractions, just forget the hours of min-labor...
Of course, isn't that how the body works? Aren't we supposed to forget all of it anyway?
Thanks for the love and fond thoughts.
I am off to take more vic.o.din now, the contractions are still kicking ever so slightly. Plus, my entire body feels dead. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, of course... sleep. Should stay away from that. I took a nap, and the nightmares were vivid and horrifying.
My husband has been taking generous care of me again today. He even made my lunch... he didn't do a very good job, but I'm not going to tell him that. It's the thought that counts. He has been doing all the grocery shopping for the past few weeks too, so that's good.
I've been really bloggy lately... I think I just need to get it out somewhere... and this is the safest place.