Sunday, March 8, 2009

Q&A and some decisions

After my last post, Antigone asked, "Is there a part of you that hopes it will have continued to grow?"

I thought about this. And, I have to admit... yes. A small unconscious part of me wishes, and hopes, for this. Of course.

But, the majority of me, the over rational side, knows that the likelihood of that happening is smaller than the chance of me winning the lottery (And I don't play the lottery.)

Yet I can't let that little sliver of me go, I can't shut it off. I think maybe that is a part of the reason I can't cry yet. It's not over. It's not 100% definite until I start miscarrying. My doctor said it was coming, he said he felt comfortable calling this another miscarriage, he said it would happen soon... but I'm still waiting. So, that part of me stays alive. Like a fool.

I've even begun thinking about calling someone for a second opinion on what is going on. Even if it's just to see if the sac is getting smaller, beginning to break down. Sneaky like, just for confirmation from another party.

I've thought about calling my RE and asking to come in again. I don't want to wait another weekend for my body to do it's job. As much as I don't want a d&c (Or d&e, I'm not actually sure which he suggested. I had distanced myself from that ultrasound room when he told me it was another miscarriage.) As much as I don't want to, I want this to be over. He wanted me to wait two weeks, and if I haven't miscarried yet, to call in and we would check everything out again. And then, we would schedule another appointment. It's almost been one week... and I am going nuts here. I don't want to wait another weekend.

I just don't know what to do right now. What to think. So, I think about everything. I do nothing.

The husband and I were talking last night. We've had to come to some hard decisions, but we have made them. We plan on trying again with Clomid, in a few months. We will do the repeat loss testing. Then, if by next January we are no closer to having a child, we are going to call our counties children's services to talk about adoption. I know that if we go this route we may not be able to have an actual baby, but we want to be parents so that's okay. You don't have to have a baby to be a parent. A child is a child, you love them just the same. We have awhile to think about it, and to come to terms with it if that's what we need to do. So, we will keep thinking about it, but we have made a game plan of sorts.

We just really needed to make a rough outline for the next year. We needed to have something to look forward to. I know that somehow we will be parents, even if the road I take is not the most conventional.

I just hope that we get the support we need should we take that road.
When I mention adoption, people keep telling me to keep trying, the next pregnancy won't be another miscarriage, it will happen, to not give up,... But seriously? If there is a next pregnancy, it could just as easily end in another miscarriage. My body is pretty craptastic after all. And you know what, adopting isn't giving up. I don't see it like that. It's choosing a different route to the same destination. What's wrong with that?

Would I like a biological child? Yes, of course. I would love that.
But is that neccessary for my survival? No. I just want to be a parent.


G$ said...

Waiting after waiting after waiting. It's cruel. I am sorry. I definitely would go back to the DR this week if no progress. D&C isn't fun, but waiting it out isn't either.

Are you still taking met? Make sure you keep that up.

Hang in there. Being a parent (rather than just considering bio kids) is the most important thing to me too.

Thinking of you,

Kristin said...

Adopting definitely ISN't giving up. Whatever works to build your family is ok.

Lots of {{{hugs}}}.

Michelle said...

I know the waiting is the hardest part because definitely there is a part of you that holds on to the hope that the doctor has it all wrong. I really hope that whatever happens that you get some answers soon. It is not fair that you have to keep going through this.

I am glad you and your husband did make a plan. t is good to have and may help.

My thoughts are with you. ((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

Whatever your path to parenthood ends up being, you both will be wonderful parents. Adoption is not giving up at all. It is really good to have a plan.
Waiting with you, sending you hugs...