After my last post, Antigone asked, "Is there a part of you that hopes it will have continued to grow?"
I thought about this. And, I have to admit... yes. A small unconscious part of me wishes, and hopes, for this. Of course.
But, the majority of me, the over rational side, knows that the likelihood of that happening is smaller than the chance of me winning the lottery (And I don't play the lottery.)
Yet I can't let that little sliver of me go, I can't shut it off. I think maybe that is a part of the reason I can't cry yet. It's not over. It's not 100% definite until I start miscarrying. My doctor said it was coming, he said he felt comfortable calling this another miscarriage, he said it would happen soon... but I'm still waiting. So, that part of me stays alive. Like a fool.
I've even begun thinking about calling someone for a second opinion on what is going on. Even if it's just to see if the sac is getting smaller, beginning to break down. Sneaky like, just for confirmation from another party.
I've thought about calling my RE and asking to come in again. I don't want to wait another weekend for my body to do it's job. As much as I don't want a d&c (Or d&e, I'm not actually sure which he suggested. I had distanced myself from that ultrasound room when he told me it was another miscarriage.) As much as I don't want to, I want this to be over. He wanted me to wait two weeks, and if I haven't miscarried yet, to call in and we would check everything out again. And then, we would schedule another appointment. It's almost been one week... and I am going nuts here. I don't want to wait another weekend.
I just don't know what to do right now. What to think. So, I think about everything. I do nothing.
The husband and I were talking last night. We've had to come to some hard decisions, but we have made them. We plan on trying again with Clomid, in a few months. We will do the repeat loss testing. Then, if by next January we are no closer to having a child, we are going to call our counties children's services to talk about adoption. I know that if we go this route we may not be able to have an actual baby, but we want to be parents so that's okay. You don't have to have a baby to be a parent. A child is a child, you love them just the same. We have awhile to think about it, and to come to terms with it if that's what we need to do. So, we will keep thinking about it, but we have made a game plan of sorts.
We just really needed to make a rough outline for the next year. We needed to have something to look forward to. I know that somehow we will be parents, even if the road I take is not the most conventional.
I just hope that we get the support we need should we take that road.
When I mention adoption, people keep telling me to keep trying, the next pregnancy won't be another miscarriage, it will happen, to not give up,... But seriously? If there is a next pregnancy, it could just as easily end in another miscarriage. My body is pretty craptastic after all. And you know what, adopting isn't giving up. I don't see it like that. It's choosing a different route to the same destination. What's wrong with that?
Would I like a biological child? Yes, of course. I would love that.
But is that neccessary for my survival? No. I just want to be a parent.