Wednesday, March 11, 2009

(un) well...

Okay, so the little temporary placenta on the gestational sac finally detached. The sac has moved down towards the cervix... and... nothing. Still at a standstill, but that is some progress I suppose.

He prescribed me some c.yot.ec to help speed things along... and as scary as it is, I think I will take it tonight if nothing happens before then. I have my vicodin on hand, and will take two before the c.yo.tec... hopefully it will knock me out before the contractions start up.

On the way to my appointment we got about half way out, so half an hour away from home, and we got a flat. My husband had difficulty changing the tire to the spare tire, and I got panicky. But, he got it changed, and we were on our way. Good thing I made him leave early, we made it to the appointment on time despite that.

I cried off and on the entire way home.
My mind went something like this, "What are we going to do? What options are left? How can we afford adoption? Can I handle foster to adopt if we need to do that? Can I be comfortable with never having a baby? Maybe, I don't know. My baby, my baby is dead. Another one, gone. What should I call it? It's dead. I am a baby killer. How will the in laws take it if we adopt... mother in law would be fine, but everyone else... How would we even begin that conversation? January... we can begin the adoption talks in January. I'll be 25 in January... 25, and I started trying to have a baby when I was 21. Sounds like a good time to jump train. January is a little more than 9 months away. 9 months. Is that significant? Why can't I keep a baby alive? Why can't I have that? Everyone else around me in real life has it, why not me? Gone. Another baby, gone. I... no name. Angel, no... Angela. I'll call her Angela. Angela and Sebastian. My lost ones."

I had to go to four different pharmacies trying to get the cyo.te.c. The first one, out of stock. The second, out of stock. The third tried to tell me I would have to buy all the pills because they couldn't open the bottle to just give me the 4 I needed (Seriously? Where they even looking at the right pills?) The fourth pharmacy was a godsend. I got my pills, no issues, no big production, waited a mere 5 minutes, and was on my way.

I got my *RE to agree to retest me for Antiphospholipid Antibodies... I figured why not. My sister only tests positive while she was pregnant, it was only active then. So, I'm still kinda pregnant (As far as my body is concerned.) So I thought I should retest before I miscarry, in case. I'm grasping at straws, I know. But, better safe than sorry. It can't hurt.

After I start to miscarry, I schedule my repeat loss consultation.
And a week from now they want to retest my HCG, make sure it's going down.
(*sigh*)

And now, I need a nap.
It's been a long day.

* RE= Dr. BlowsSunshine, as in "blows sunshine up patient's ass." I really should tell you about my RE sometime. I think you get the idea from his nickname though.

10 comments:

Debbie said...

Big hugs...I'm so sorry.

Bluebird said...

I hope things happen quckily for you now. I had to take c.to.tec after the babies to help with bleeding, and had a rediculous time trying to find it at a pharmacy! Seriously - like you need an extra headache. . . I'm glad you got the dr. to agree to testing. I, too, only test positive while pregnant, so we never would have figured things out otherwise. . . .((Hugs))

Another Dreamer said...

It's so weird that you say that Bluebird, so many woman have the same experience. My RE was doubtful about testing it again though, he said he never heard that. But he was game to give it another testing go.

So weird.

G$ said...

Ah hun, I am so sorry :(
Good deal on the retest, I hope you find some answers.

Much love

Michelle said...

Sending you lots of hugs!

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this and that it's turned into a drawn out process, I hope it comes to and end quickly for you now (the loss, NOT the ttc bit) so that you can grieve and start to move on...

You've been in my thoughts...

xxxxxxx

Dora said...

So sorry, hon. Totally sucks. Thinking of you.

Mrs.X said...

I've been here and it is such a terrible place. Many, many hugs to you at this very difficult time. I hope things are over quickly. You need a break.

Kristin said...

Oh hon...{{{big hugs}}} and I hope you find an answer.

BTW, when the run the tests, take a hard look at your ptt. I didn't test positive for the Antiphospholipid Antibodies but my ptt was shortened and that wee little bit of acceleration in the clotting time was all it took to deep six my pregnancies.

IVF Girl said...

I wish I could think of something great to say to help take away some of your pain... I do know one thing, you are not a baby killer! I hope you can have more hope in the near future. Thinking of you...