I'm barely even spotting. I'm not cramping. I don't seem to be doing anything.
Except missing class, because if I start miscarrying I don't see myself being able to walk across campus to my car, and then drive home (While on v.ico.din no less... since you know that the first time I feel a cramp, I am popping one of those in my mouth. And v.ic.odin makes me sleepy sleepy.)
Missing work, since I work alone on my shifts. And would be hard pressed to get anyone to come in and cover for me at the shelter if I started miscarrying... and I don't think a drugged up hotline worker would be very efficient. I wouldn't be able to focus on a crisis call if I started cramping. And what if I started hemorrhaging or something... I would have to wait forever for someone to get in and take over so I could go to the hospital.
And yet... nothing is happening here. I just keep waiting, and waiting, for something to happen. I just want it to start so I can get it over with already.
I truly want to avoid taking any pills to help it along, and I definitely don't want a d&c if I can help it. But... this is taking forever.
And because my HCG is still high I still have my lovely symptoms, and my damn breasts hurt like hell. Ungh. Not fair. I think my progesterone may be going down though, I am finding it easier to go to the bathroom... so that is something I suppose.
Ungh. I just really want this to be over. I can't concentrate, can't go anywhere because of my fear of starting to miscarry away from home, I can't even fully grieve because it is not over yet... even though it is as good as done. It doesn't have that finality yet, that closure.
I might call my doctor on Monday or Tuesday. I just need this to be over, or to get checked again to make sure the miscarriage has progressed some. I mean, the sac had grown a little since the first ultasound, just not enough to be viable (and it was still empty)... so, now I'm wondering if it's a blighted ovum or something. Or if this is going to be dragged out, since it wasn't shrinking. The lining was trying to break down... but I'm still not bleeding! Ahhhhh.
I am just tired of it all. So tired of it being dragged out, stringing me along.
I think I will call them Monday and ask their opinion... if nothing happens before then.
Because... I can't take much more of this.
I know, it's only been 4 days since the ultrasound, right? But before that ultrasound, I waited a week to hear from the doctor that it was not viable. So really I've been waiting for more like two weeks to start miscarrying.
And I need it to be over. I need it to end so I can have closure.