Saturday, March 7, 2009

A new kind of limbo

I'm barely even spotting. I'm not cramping. I don't seem to be doing anything.

Except missing class, because if I start miscarrying I don't see myself being able to walk across campus to my car, and then drive home (While on v.ico.din no less... since you know that the first time I feel a cramp, I am popping one of those in my mouth. And v.ic.odin makes me sleepy sleepy.)

Missing work, since I work alone on my shifts. And would be hard pressed to get anyone to come in and cover for me at the shelter if I started miscarrying... and I don't think a drugged up hotline worker would be very efficient. I wouldn't be able to focus on a crisis call if I started cramping. And what if I started hemorrhaging or something... I would have to wait forever for someone to get in and take over so I could go to the hospital.

And yet... nothing is happening here. I just keep waiting, and waiting, for something to happen. I just want it to start so I can get it over with already.

I truly want to avoid taking any pills to help it along, and I definitely don't want a d&c if I can help it. But... this is taking forever.

And because my HCG is still high I still have my lovely symptoms, and my damn breasts hurt like hell. Ungh. Not fair. I think my progesterone may be going down though, I am finding it easier to go to the bathroom... so that is something I suppose.

Ungh. I just really want this to be over. I can't concentrate, can't go anywhere because of my fear of starting to miscarry away from home, I can't even fully grieve because it is not over yet... even though it is as good as done. It doesn't have that finality yet, that closure.

I might call my doctor on Monday or Tuesday. I just need this to be over, or to get checked again to make sure the miscarriage has progressed some. I mean, the sac had grown a little since the first ultasound, just not enough to be viable (and it was still empty)... so, now I'm wondering if it's a blighted ovum or something. Or if this is going to be dragged out, since it wasn't shrinking. The lining was trying to break down... but I'm still not bleeding! Ahhhhh.

I am just tired of it all. So tired of it being dragged out, stringing me along.
I think I will call them Monday and ask their opinion... if nothing happens before then.
Because... I can't take much more of this.

I know, it's only been 4 days since the ultrasound, right? But before that ultrasound, I waited a week to hear from the doctor that it was not viable. So really I've been waiting for more like two weeks to start miscarrying.

And I need it to be over. I need it to end so I can have closure.


~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

I totally understand where you're coming from. Now you know that the inevitable is coming, you want, need it to happen and be over with so you can pick up the pieces and move on.

Love & Light


Kristin said...

That is a miserable feeling. I am so sorry. Lots and lots of hugs.

Antigone said...

I hope you don't have to have a D&C - just wondering if your doc is going to want to do that if you don't miscarry soon. And I am really glad you have some vicodin on hand. I had one really bad first trimester miscarriage that was more painful than anything I have ever experienced and it came on very quickly so I completely understand not going to class or whatever.

Is there a part of you that hopes it will have continued to grow? I remember having that hope when they sent me home. There were a few women on a message board I used to frequent who had it work out actually. But some of us just never seem to have it work out that way.

Penny said...

I couldn't imagine the waiting. I hope you have closure soon.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I hope you won't need intervention. Thinking of you often.

WiseGuy said...

It is such a hard and miserable place where you are hanging right now. I want you to take good care of yourself and skip work/classes as long as you can manage to.

It is a good idea to not take any medicines to hasten it.

I am here.

Guera! said...

I am so sorry. I haven't experienced what you are going through but my heart aches for you nonetheless.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. The waiting must be agonizing. I completely understand not wanting to be at work or school when it starts. Take as much time as you can. I hope that you can get closure soon.

If you end up needing a d&c, the one good thing that might come out of it is that they could test the tissue to see if it was chromosomally normal.