I haven't even got an answer yet, but I am already trying to figure out what I am going to do if things fail again this time. What is there left for me to do? What if I just keep miscarrying? Everything looked so perfect this time, everything was as it should have been.
What if Clomid doesn't work again? I don't have infertility coverage in my insurance policy, I only have coverage for diagnosis... and once one diagnosis is found (my PCOS and anovulation) I get nothing else covered. They won't even cover an HSG now. Injectables and anything more expensive will no longer be options. I can't justify paying $2,000-$4,000 out of pocket if the end result is indelibly the same. I just can't see myself spending that much just to have another miscarriage.
My only option left if Clomid fails again would be adoption. Can I handle adoption? I love the idea of adoption, but it scares the crap out of me. Not adopting and raising a child that is not mine biologically, I'm fine with that, but the process itself terrifies me. Having to jump through all the hoops and over all those hurdles; being judged as a person whether or not I am worthy of being called Mother? Am I strong enough for that?
I know, this pregnancy may still be viable... but I have to think about what I am going to do if it's not. I have to.
I'm still spotting brown, and a little red. No major cramping, but more uterine discomfort. Still stuck in limbo. I don't know where I fit in right now. Am I pregnant, miscarrying, battling infertility... I haven't been on my regular forums as much because I don't fit in anywhere.
I am completely helpless. Left alone to my thoughts.
I. don't. know. what. to. do.
I feel like a failure. As a woman. As a wife. As a human being.
I can't concieve. I'm starting to think I can't carry to term either.
And I just don't know what to do anymore.
I mean, it took 13 months the first time.
8 months this time.
And still... I wait.
April will be 2 years of trying to conceive... what do I have to show for it?
I've been pregnant twice now,
and still... I wait.
Tuesday I have my u/s... I doubt it will have any good news.
My hope is starting to wither up as the spotting turns dark red instead of just brown.
I keep waiting for the cramps to start, the pain, the dilation of my cervix...
and I wait.
and I wait.
and. I. wait.
Tuesday will be here soon enough I suppose.
It's getting closer all the time.
But, the question remains. Am I going to start miscarrying before then, is the u/s going to show nothing at all, or is it going to show a miracle?