Sunday, March 1, 2009

Contingency plans

I haven't even got an answer yet, but I am already trying to figure out what I am going to do if things fail again this time. What is there left for me to do? What if I just keep miscarrying? Everything looked so perfect this time, everything was as it should have been.

What if Clomid doesn't work again? I don't have infertility coverage in my insurance policy, I only have coverage for diagnosis... and once one diagnosis is found (my PCOS and anovulation) I get nothing else covered. They won't even cover an HSG now. Injectables and anything more expensive will no longer be options. I can't justify paying $2,000-$4,000 out of pocket if the end result is indelibly the same. I just can't see myself spending that much just to have another miscarriage.

My only option left if Clomid fails again would be adoption. Can I handle adoption? I love the idea of adoption, but it scares the crap out of me. Not adopting and raising a child that is not mine biologically, I'm fine with that, but the process itself terrifies me. Having to jump through all the hoops and over all those hurdles; being judged as a person whether or not I am worthy of being called Mother? Am I strong enough for that?

I know, this pregnancy may still be viable... but I have to think about what I am going to do if it's not. I have to.

I'm still spotting brown, and a little red. No major cramping, but more uterine discomfort. Still stuck in limbo. I don't know where I fit in right now. Am I pregnant, miscarrying, battling infertility... I haven't been on my regular forums as much because I don't fit in anywhere.

I am completely helpless. Left alone to my thoughts.
I. don't. know. what. to. do.

I feel like a failure. As a woman. As a wife. As a human being.
I can't concieve. I'm starting to think I can't carry to term either.

And I just don't know what to do anymore.
I mean, it took 13 months the first time.
8 months this time.
And still... I wait.
April will be 2 years of trying to conceive... what do I have to show for it?
I've been pregnant twice now,
and still... I wait.

Tuesday I have my u/s... I doubt it will have any good news.
My hope is starting to wither up as the spotting turns dark red instead of just brown.
I keep waiting for the cramps to start, the pain, the dilation of my cervix...
and I wait.
and I wait.
and. I. wait.
Tuesday will be here soon enough I suppose.
It's getting closer all the time.
But, the question remains. Am I going to start miscarrying before then, is the u/s going to show nothing at all, or is it going to show a miracle?


'Murgdan' said...

I so want you to have your miracle. Wish there was something more inspiring I could say to you right now. Sending you hugs and support as you wait out this difficult time. And again, I so want this to be your miracle.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I think I can understand you needing to look at all the possibilities. I so want this to work out for you. I'll be thinking of you and sending you all the best vibes I can for Tuesday. (((HUGS)))

Kristin said...

Oh hon...I so remember having those feeling of failure. I am hoping and praying you get your miracle.


Anonymous said...

I'm holding out for the miracle. I'll be thinking of you and sending you hugs and support.

Penny said...

Another option would be IVF with genetic testing to see if there's a genetic reason you're miscarrying early. However, the expenses are prohibitive in most cases, so a lot of times IVF is not really an "option". I don't know how IVF $ compares to adoption. You might check to see if genetic screening is covered under "diagnosis" - not as conclusive as an actual testing of an embryo, but it might give you some indication. If this is a miscarriage (hope it's not of course), you may also have the option of running a genetic screen on the tissue that is removed.

I'm so sorry you're in this place. I so wish you could be somewhere much better as well.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

It's going to be a miracle, trust me, it HAS to be.


Mandy said...

I totally get what you mean...
After my 2 m/c I don't know if I can go through this again. I sincerely hope you get your miracle. As I said previously exactlu the same thing happened to me and yet out little kept hanging on. Keep positive, at least until you know what's going on. Praying for you. Please let us know ASAP.


G$ said...

I am still hoping for miracles.

But what you should do is, go back to the RE. He may be able to run a RPL panel. There are still diagnostics to be done under insurance. Don't give up hope yet.

Also, I feel like your timer started two months after you started Metformin. It seems it did its job (keep taking it). Clomid works. Push the RE to diagnose the loss issue. After my miscarriage, my HSG was covered as it was related to my pregnancy loss, not infertility (but then I had the suspected tubal).

Hang in there hun, this road fucking SUCKS. I am keeping up the hope though, that Tuesday brings great news.

Another Julia said...

Miracle. I vote for the miracle option. I have my fingers and toes crossed for you. May tomorrow bring you good news.

Michelle said...

I hope your ultrasound goes well tomorrow. I am crossing everything and sending nothing but good thoughts!

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking of you and hoping for that miracle tomorrow. I'm with the others who are suggesting finding a way to get RPL testing covered by insurance.

Also, I know that injectables seem out of the realm of possibility for you, but they are doable, even if it takes a while to save up money for them. Have you tried femara? A combination of clomid + injectables or femara + injectables? IUI's? I know you probably hate to hear this, but you are young, and you have the benefit of time on your side. You don't have to give up just yet.