5 months

We are still here... it's still crazy... but we're still making it through each day, so I can't really complain. The girls are 5 months old today. We are still nursing. J is still my fussy one, and had even further regressed with sleep. I don't know if it's because she's teething (I see two teeth buds on the bottom), or something else is going on, but whew. WHEW. I just can not recover here.

I did Holiday photos the other day... I thought some turned out nice, I'll share a couple here. Most of them were photobombed by the cats, but eh. Good enough, hahaha. The cats are family too, so it works... right?

Kids, life, and all that

Thanks for all the kind words on my last post. Things are still very hard, but every day we get through is... well, another day we get through!

The girls turned 4 months a couple weeks ago now. They've grown so much. J is rolling a lot, and G is a grabber. G is almost an inch and 2lbs more than J now, she loves to eat and sleep. J is our wild child, she is wiry and fierce. By the end of this month I'm going to have to move G into 6-9 month clothes, J has been about a month behind wardrobe switches so she'll probably make it until mid-December before she needs to. They babble a lot, and notice each other more each day. They love V, he amuses them to no end.

They had their first Halloween, it was cold and wet so we stayed in and passed out candy. V enjoyed going door to door with daddy though. J was Supergirl, G was Batgirl, and V was Spiderman- my superhero troupe.

J and G

We've went to the zoo a lot in the past couple months; V asks to go every single day but it's a bit of a drive and always quite the ordeal! We've been going about once every week or two though. It's really nice to get out of the house, and there's no comparison for how happy it makes that kid. Now that it's cooler we won't be going for awhile. He plays pretend at home though, he sets up his own little zoo and pretend dinosaur boat ride, and he has to show me. We have to go through his little zoo. He has quite the imagination.

V & the T-rex

V does throw a lot of tantrums, makes a lot of messes, and can be a handful. He doesn't focus very well still, has poor listening skills, and he is very independent. By that I mean he wants to just run off and explore, and isn't afraid of anything (except large stuffed costume characters). He is an unstoppable force. He can be very focused, when he chooses to be. He tests boundaries like it's his business, and business is good right now. He's doing so much better than when the girls first came home, but it's still chaos. I feel like we're doing okay most days, but some days I just feel like a failure. Hopefully as we keep working on things it will improve.

He has been having night terrors about 1-3 times a month, and those are really disconcerting. He hasn't had one for a few weeks (knock on wood) and I hope it stays that way. He usually starts screaming, "Nooooooo!" or, "Mommmy!" and thrashing for a good 10-30 minutes, just screaming and crying in his sleep. After I learned how to deal with them it's gone better, the first few times we tried to wake him because we didn't know what was happening. Now I just turn his nightlight on and talk softly to him, and it's over on the quicker end of the spectrum. There is a family history on both sides, so he was at higher risk for them. They suck so much though. The fewer we have to deal with, the better!

Life these days...

People keep asking me how I am, my go to response is simply, "Exhausted." We chuckle, and then skip over to whatever they wanted to talk about.

I try to keep up, but while they're talking I'm usually wrangling a child, nursing, washing dishes, or trying to watch TV during my very limited "me" time. The truth is... things have been hard. I am exhausted from the moment I wake up, until the moment I go down. A toddler and infant twins is hard work. Work I love and would not trade for the world, but I also feel like I'm imploding. My walls are breaking down, I snap more at everyone, I am physically and mentally exhausted, I'm having trouble putting sentences together sometimes, my reserves are just depleted. I'm hoping I can get some "me" time soon, even if it's just a hair cut, because right now all I get is a daily shower and if I'm very lucky an hour while all the kids nap at the same time. I'm having one of those rare moments right now.

It's not even the cleaning, because let's be honest... I'm lucky if I get the dishes washed every day. And I have to get the dishes washed (no dishwashing machine) otherwise I can't make dinner. It's more... the feeling of constantly being needed, of never getting time to turn off my awareness. Awareness of where the kids are, are they okay, who needs food, who needs changed, who needs their clothes changed, who needs bathed, who needs.... always who needs what. I often forget about my own needs... I would forget to shower if my hair wasn't so greasy (yay hormones) and I wasn't breastfeeding.

I forget a lot these days. Blood work was fine, my doctor thinks it's just mental exhaustion- if it gets worse, come back in. In the meantime, well, I'm really absentminded. Until I get better... or I don't. I say the opposite word sometimes, forget the word I'm looking for, etc.. It's unnerving.

I am not complaining. I love my children, and I love our life. I am just swamped, with very little help. I'm trying to remind myself that this phase will pass... probably sooner than I want it too. A goes above and beyond helping me with the kids, but I'm still here alone with all the kids half the day. I'm the only one who can feed the girls since we're breastfeeding. Our families don't really have anything to do with us. A couple of them might visit the kids for an hour or two, but that doesn't help me at all... it just means our daily routine gets disrupted, and I might have to clean.

It's not all doom and gloom, honest. I get giggles, and coos, in the morning I get the most beautiful smiles. V makes me laugh so much my sides hurt some nights. Watching them grow, and start to interact with each other, is the greatest privilege in the world. These children are worth the struggle I went through to have them, and what I'm going through right now.

I just need a chance to recharge.

Three months

The girls turned three months yesterday. I am still exhausted, but doing my best to function. The girls were sleeping through the night, then they stopped, now they seem to be back at it. They've also been cluster feeding before bed the last few nights. They're getting too big for their bassinets and we'll be moving them out of them this week.

I'm feeling very grateful and excited because I've now been nursing longer than I was able to with V. I have no problem with formula feeding, it was a huge relief when we switched to formula with V, but I am still very thankful that things have went so much better this time around. We haven't had to supplement at all, and my supply has managed to keep up. So, first goal met! My next goal is just every month from here on out, with a plan to nurse until at least a year.

The girls are growing well, getting ready to go up a size of clothes (although G is getting there sooner than J). They coo and laugh a lot, although G does tend to talk more. J is great at holding herself up, and can even roll over, while G isn't quite there yet. They're really starting to notice their surroundings, each other, and big brother V too. They are very different girls and it's amazing watching their personalities really come out.

Dealing-

It's been exhausting here. Napping when the kids nap isn't an option unfortunately. Even on the days that I get enough sleep, I still struggle to function. I struggle to make coherent thoughts sometimes, so sorry if this is rambley- WORDS ARE HARD.

My PCOS issues are rearing their ugly heads in the form of skin tags and dark skin patches. I can't take supplements for my PCOS, since I don't know how much of what may cross my breast milk. Instead I stay on my Metformin, and hope that it can get things in check. I'm also hoping it can help me keep my weight in check. I can't really do a thing about weight loss because I need 1,000 extra calories a day to maintain my breast milk supply for the girls. Exercising is hard because I have such a small window of opportunity to do anything between feedings, and I'd rather use the time to relax or clean. So, I just work at making healthier choices and hope I can maintain.

I gained 73 lbs while pregnant, I've lost 42 since then leaving me with 31 lbs left to go. I started at a size 16 and now I'm back up to a size 22. My lack of wardrobe sucks... I had kept some of my larger clothing though, so that is at least a saving grace. It's taking me awhile to recover my stamina and strength, but I think I'm slowly getting there. I'll be honest, my body dysmorphia rears it's ugly head from time to time too. I'm really good at shutting myself up though, because really my body is pretty amazing. In the past year I have grown and sustained two other human beings, and I'm continuing to sustain them even now... I need to lay off my body! It did something I didn't even know it was capable of, and I owe it a lot.

I'm still exclusively nursing the twins. They are growing and thriving, and my supply seems to be keeping up. J seems to be going through a growth spurt or something, because she's been wanting to cluster feed. I am eating like a hobbit while nursing them, because I am hungry ALL THE TIME. I seriously eat every 2-3 hours; it's like the first/second trimester with them all over again. Except physically I feel much better than I did then, heh.

I went in and finally got some blood work done with my primary doctor. I was really putting it off. I need to go ahead and get some stuff done for me, I'm just terrible about doing it. It's hard to get away from the girls since I'm nursing though, and I just put things off and put things off...

So that's where things are. The girls are napping right now, and V is chilling out... this is a rare moment. I think I should go do something else now... like snack haha.

Two months-

The girls are two months old today... it's been crazy here! They are sleeping much better though, they actually sleep from 11-midnight until 6-7am most nights! We're still nursing exclusively. My supply dipped a little, but the girls started cluster feeding while I started eating oatmeal every day, plus drinking more water, and well, that seems to be all I needed to do. I have Fenugreek on hand in case I need it. The girls coo a lot, they love mobiles and they are sooo ticklish. J loves her pacifier, while G would rather suck on her fist.

V is doing much better with them, although he does still get very jealous at times. I have to say considering how much change he's went through in the last 6 months, he's done very well.

As a treat we took V and the girls to the zoo for the first time this year. Oh my goodness, he freaked out over everything... he just loved it. We haven't hardly went at all since I was pregnant because it was too much walking and I had a lot of guilt about that. It was a nice treat though, he loved it so much. It was difficult having to stop and nurse and change everyone's diapers, plus physically I am still weak from the pregnancy... but I loved it. I really did. Seeing his face light up just made my day.

Belated One Month-

The girls turned a month old on the 30th, I just hadn't gotten around to posting. It's been crazy. I did our one month photos, and it was a lot harder to wrangle than it was doing V's one month photos! J is in the blue and G in the purple. I think a few of the shots turned out pretty good, but I really loved these two.

Things are okay. The girls don't sleep well at night, so that's been rough. I usually only get 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and I can't nap during the day since someone is always up. We're still exclusively breast feeding, so that's been going great. It can be really uncomfortable at times (my letdown is painful and excessive) but it's working so I won't complain.

The girls are growing great; G is HUGE compared to J though. Being fraternal twins that hasn't been a huge concern, J is growing it's just not at the same rate as G. Using my home scale I get varying answers because it's so sensitive, but G does seem to be 1-2lbs more than J. They have their one month check-up with their doctor tomorrow, so I'll be interested to see how they actually measure up.

They really are so different. It's not just the physical appearance, which is obvious, but also their demeanor and attitudes. Even their cries are so different. J is more fussy than G, although G will sound the alarm (and I mean ALARM) when she gets hungry. J used to have issues latching, but now G does... it's like they trade off on things/issues. J has been giving us fits about sleeping at night, but last night it was G that kept us up. Ahhh. Anyway...

V is adjusting still. He seriously forgets that they're here. He'll come up with his book flailing it around and try to flop it in front of me, but I'll be changing one of the girl's diapers and he'll almost hit them. Things like that. Last night I kept saying, "V. V. V, look your sister is here. Mommy can't read you that right now and you have to be careful. V. V, look your sister is right here." He eventually looked and actually focused on her then smiled and said, "A bay-bee seester!" I am constantly running interference because he just doesn't see them. He has started to interact with them more, he'll pick their pacifiers up, or he'll give them kisses if we ask him to, he tried to tickle their feet yesterday too.

His biggest struggle is not understanding why mommy can't do things with him. He wants me to read with him, or do puzzles, or color, but I'll be trying to get the girls to latch on, or I'm changing a diaper, or a girl is crying for something... then he'll get upset and start crying too. That's about how the three-child-cryfests usually start. I get a lot of mommy guilt about that, but I know this is just a passing phase and before I know it the girls will be older and eating better, they'll be playing more... and we'll get through this. I just feel bad.

3 weeks

Monday:
It's been three weeks now. A returned to work today; the girls, V, and I all survived. Huzzah!

I managed to wrangle the girls into position to tandem nurse on my own, I kept V from trampling them, and I even washed some dishes.

Wednesday:
And of course it's been two days since then and I'm still working on this post. We're still surviving. Today has been a little rougher, the girls aren't latching as well (they prefer biting and pulling on me, which has caused a lot of pain/discomfort), and I'm trying to figure out if we're dealing with the poor latch or the beginnings of thrush. We're still nursing though. Last weekend we survived a batch of cluster feeding, started to see some semblance of a pattern for nursing but that's all sort of fallen to rot today. Hopefully tomorrow will go better.

I wrote a thank you note for my fertility clinic today. I may have shed a tear... because seriously how do you thank someone enough for such a gift? And I realize that yes they are paid monetarily for what they do, but our clinic really went above and beyond during our time there. And without them none of these kids would exist, there is absolutely no question of that. I tucked the note in with our birth announcement for the girls, just like I did with V, and it'll go in the mail tomorrow. We'll probably take the kids to visit Dr. M sometime in the coming weeks. I'm sure that will be full of all the feels since we don't plan on ever returning there.

Two weeks out-

We're still here! It feels like it's been over a month, but we're doing good.

The girls nurse constantly, much to my surprise I actually have a bit of an oversupply this time. It's been rough though, I won't lie. I have an overactive letdown, G can power through it (letting the excess dribble out her mouth) but we have started using a shield for J. J still struggles to latch, and after my milk came in she started struggling with my overactive letdown. I've read that I should express the excess off on a burp cloth, but my excess is like an ounce... so I either need to pump it off (which can exacerbate the issue, I've read) or I need to use this shield. So far we're doing well with the shield, although that does make nursing while out difficult since I can't really use it then... and she does not do well without it initially.

My day usually consists of changing a diaper, feeding them, burping, then changing yet another diaper, then topping them off with more nursing- this takes about an hour when all is said and done. Then they either nap, or they don't. Sometimes they trade off, one will stay up and the other sleeps, then the next session they switch and the other one stays up. It really drains me down when they do this at night. Anyway, then we do it all over again an hour or two later. They're actually getting ready to wake up again now.

My incision did get infected last week shortly after returning home. I had a bad fever, but we caught it very early and the antibiotics seem to have gotten it under control. I'm still very swollen, retaining a lot of water in my legs/feet, and my lower belly. My OB actually used dissolvable staples this time because my swelling was so bad in my lower belly. I lost 25lbs instantly in the hospital after having the girls, but still can't wear any of my pre-weight loss clothes. It's just as well, with the swelling and pitting from it, stretchy maternity clothes are the way to go.

A has another week of vacation, and I have to say he has been amazing. With the c-section I've been very limited in what I could do... but he's been wrangling V, helping me get the girls set up to tandem, waking at night to help me with them, doing all the cleaning, dishes, bringing me meals, laundry, you name it... man deserves a medal right now.

And G is now grunting and squirming... time for me to go! Another time.

Babies are here!

Sorry for being MIA, things have been crazy and I just now got on my computer since having the babies.

We went in on the 30th for our scheduled c-section at 38w+4d. We got bumped back a few hours for emergency c-sections, but obviously made it back eventually. I was pretty anxious and scared, but everything went, well, perfect. We happily welcomed two healthy baby GIRLS into the world in the afternoon.

Baby A, J.ane, came out first weighing 7lbs and 2oz, and Baby B, Gu.inev.ere, came out second weighing 7lbs even. J came out silently and didn't cry until they started cleaning her up. She was pretty mellow though. G came out wailing and sounding the alarm, as soon as daddy got to hold her she began licking the air and rooting. In recovery J had some issues latching (still does), but G dived right in, so I nursed them both for a good while in there.

Recovery wise it's been rough, but that's to be expected with a c-section. Still, things have been loads smoother this time around though, with V I was still barely able to get in/out of bed. My stay at this hospital has been much more pleasant, the nurses overall have been great, and it's just a nicer place overall. The girls are nursing every hour on the hour, most of the time tandem. I usually just need help getting them in my arms, but can get them latched on my own. My milk started to come in this morning finally, so hopefully they can start regaining some of the weight they lost now. I'll be heading home in the morning.

Appt today-

37 weeks and 5 days today! Everything is still fine: babies' heart rates were good, fluid is good, no protein spillage, no blood pressure issues... I made a little progress dilating, I'm maybe a fingertip now? Nothing to get excited about though, right now it looks like we're still going to make it to our scheduled c-section. We'll see, I guess. I was 1cm with V for weeks if I recall correctly and nothing really changed... my water broke the day before my scheduled induction. I don't really think anything like that will happen again, but my body is almost begging for it.

I hurt everywhere, my lower belly is swollen like a water balloon and it hurts to the touch. It's gotten really bad. My anxiety is ramping up too. I just keep telling myself that it's just 6 more days. We can handle it, right?

After my appointment we decided to brave taking V to see the new Dragon movie. He loved the first one, and is just obsessed with dragons/dinosaurs. It went better than I expected, considering this was his first movie in an actual theater. He did get antsy and tired (it ran into nap time) but he had fun so that was worth it. It was also a first that we would have otherwise had to table for a long time. It was nice being able to do something little like that before my surgery.

A quick update-

Babies are still cooking, and look like they are probably going to stay that way. No progress whatsoever as of Tuesday. I'm 37 weeks now, and my fundal height was measuring 48 weeks. I did test positive for group-b strep so will be getting IV antibiotics when the time comes, although they'll have to work around my allergies. I'm swelling worse and worse as the days go on, my legs and feet are balloon-esque. I'm getting edema at my old c-section scar too, which is really weird and disconcerting. Everything looks fine though no signs of preeclampsia, so there aren't any concerns. Just discomforts and unease.

Right now I'm trying my best just to hang in there, and hoping that the babies do too. I'm still very uneasy about waiting so long for the c-section, but there isn't anything I can do about it and technically it should be fine. I just get anxious, like I mentioned before. I'm terrified of something happening to them because we waited too long, and I know that it's mostly irrational. After what happened with my sister though (with her stillbirth), I really can't help it.
 
So basically, I want them out for a lot of reasons. I am more than ready to have them out.

10 more days.

36 weeks

So we're 36 weeks now, which is great. Physically I don't feel so great though... I'm just having such a hard time right now. This pregnancy has been so different than when I was just carrying V. We have 18 more days until our c-section and I just don't know how I'm going to make it. I hurt everywhere, I'm starting to swell up, I'm so crampy every day, my belly burns/aches all the time, and my new heartburn med isn't working very well, so I wake up feeling like I'm going to throw up too. I can barely walk around my house, let alone anywhere else. The hour car ride to my OB's office is awful. It's bad. It's gotten really bad this past week. I do my best not to complain, I've definitely not lost sight that the babies are doing well and that's what's most important... but I feel like I'm falling apart, and I end up crying most nights from the pain.

My OB appointment on Tuesday went well. No signs of preeclampsia, babies both looked good. My cervix is still closed, so no progress there. My OB offered to see if there were any openings at the hospital for 38 weeks rather than my scheduled 38 weeks and 4 days. Of course, there aren't. The nurse said that if something opens up they'll let me know though. I'm not going to count on that, but it was a nice thought.

I'm anxious about waiting until 38 weeks and 4 days for a lot of reasons- with twins the placentas do start to break down earlier (usually starting at 38 weeks), and the whole point of a scheduled c-section is to avoid going into labor on my own, not just because of the risk of uterine rupture but also because I am on Lovenox and the increased bleeding risks and possibility of requiring general anesthesia. But I just have to hope for the best here, and try to tough it out. I mean, things should be fine. I hope?

I just get really anxious as we near the end. I did the same thing with V, and a lot of that has to do with my sister's loss. My sister is getting anxious too, she was really panicking about them not doing more growth scans. I told her it's normal, but you know that doesn't help. It's just a hard place to be in. You know that they're alive today, but that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. I can't trust my body. It's hard to explain to most people, but I feel like they're honestly safer on the outside than in after a certain point. I felt that same way with V. I'm on the Lovenox though, and we're doing everything we can... it's just hard trying to have faith that everything will be alright... because it isn't always alright.

Okay, it's late and I'm rambling. I'm trying to soak on the heating pad to relieve some of the back pain and crampiness before bed, and I feel like I'm just going to pass out so I should probably just get some rest. Tomorrow I'll be another day closer at least.

Our last MFM scan-

We are 35 weeks and had our last growth/fluid scan yesterday. Both babies looked good, with nice heart beats. There was some concern over Baby A's fluid, since the tech only got a single pocket and it was big, but the Perintologist took another look and checked the blood flow to the placenta too, and said he thought everything looked fine. A was estimated at 5lbs and 10oz (57th percentile), while B was estimated at 6lbs and 4oz (79th percentile). In the last week and a half B has switched from head to the left transverse, to head to right transverse, and is now head down on the left. A has been contentedly breech on the right for months, with no signs of moving. Since we're having a recurrent c-section that's not a worry, but the positions do make things awkward for me. I'm still amazed that B feels comfortable enough to move positions as much as it does. That one is an acrobat.

I see my OB Tuesday and we will begin cervical checks then, since we'll be 36 weeks on Thursday. 23 days or less left now... I feel very done. Just exhausted, heavy, and I've been getting crampy off and on for the past week. I haven't been having any contractions really, although I haven't been drinking nearly enough water (I really need to get on that). I've been feeling a lot of pressure/discomfort off and on since B flipped head down too. I still have a cough and some congestion, but I'm really a lot better... I just wish I was 100% better.

I have a lot more done for the babies now. We got the stuff down from the attic, the bassinet cover/fabric is drying on the clothes line right now, clothes are washed and put away for the most part, car seats are out/ready, bottles are down, breast pump out... I know there are still some little things here or there we need to get done, but we're pretty much set to go whenever they get here.

Considerations

My OB appointment went well, she decided to wait until next week to do the internal check and swab. Baby B has it's head to my right now, rather than left, but is still transverse up top. Baby A is still breech on the right. We only have 3 more OB appointments before our scheduled c-section, assuming we make it that far.

I did discuss some concerns with her and went over the risks with staying on Lovenox. Lovenox is great if you need it, really it is, but it doesn't come without risk. One of the obvious risks is hemorrhaging. One of the less known is the risk of becoming paralyzed from a spinal hematoma in the event that you need to deliver with a spinal/epidural before it's out of your system.

Basically that won't be an issue if we make it to our scheduled c-section. I would just skip my dose the night before, and my system should be clear for a spinal. The issue comes from spontaneous labor, which is a real possibility since I'm carrying twins and my c-section isn't scheduled until 38w4d (average delivery for twins is 35w, most happen before 37w). If I go into labor spontaneously the hospital will have to look at when my last dose was; Lovenox can last up to 24 hours in the system but it might be safe after 12 hours for me since my dose is low/preventative. They'll then have to do blood work to check if it's safe or not. If it's been long enough, or blood work shows it's safe, then I can have the spinal and that's alright. If it's NOT though, I will need to have my c-section under general anesthesia. Which means that neither A or myself will be "present" or "awake" for the birth of the twins.

Last time we switched to Heparin later on, since it can be reversed and doesn't last as long in the system. Lovenox is once a day, while Heparin is twice a day (since Lovenox lasts 24hrs, Heparin lasts 12hrs). This time my OB and MFM would rather keep me on Lovenox. Lovenox is safer in pregnancy since it's low molecular weight, so it stays more stable in the body. Heparin is safer for delivery though. My OB did say they could switch me to Heparin if I wanted, but we opted to just stay on the Lovenox since it's safer overall (not to mention I am running out of non-bruised places to inject as it is). I just have concerns about it and worry about delivery. I'm trying to wrap my head around the possibility of having to deliver under general anesthesia- I know that there's a chance that may not happen, but I'd rather mentally prepare just in case. It's really hit or miss how things will go down.

Coasting-

Well, we're 34 weeks today. My OB said that at this point, should I spontaneously go into labor on my own, they wouldn't stop things. So the babies could be here anytime within the next 32 days. I'm down to weekly appointments, and they want to begin internal cervical checks at my next appointment. Next week is my last growth scan with MFM. We are chugging right along. Here's belly shots from weeks 4, 14, 24, to 34... it's a little crazy.

 

We're still sick. V has an ear infection on top of his cold, I'm still hacking a lot and on antibiotics, and A just came down with it a couple days ago. I think I'm on the mend, I have gotten a little more sleep anyway. V is doing much better at least, he's hardly coughing in his sleep at all anymore. The other night I was getting up every hour between my coughing, needing to blow my nose, use the bathroom, or V waking up coughing/crying. Sleep is important, mm'kay? I'm really hoping we're all better soon, and that we DON'T (prettyprettyplease) CATCH ANYTHING ELSE!

All our preparation for the babies was put on hold because no one was feeling well, plus we didn't want to get everything all germy either. We had been having a family member come over to help with the painting, but had to postpone that so they wouldn't catch this cough. I'm feeling a bit better now though, so hopefully I can get caught back up on the housework a little today and we can resume where we left off very soon. While I know they don't need a lot right away, and even if they came today they'd be in the hospital for a bit, I am getting a little antsy about everything that still needs done. We haven't washed any of the clothes from the attic, cleaned the bassinets, opened the car seats to look them over, gotten the breast pump out and re-cleaned, bottles down (just in case), so on and so on... I mean we have everything together and would make do as we needed things, I'd just rather have it done and over with ahead of time.

33 weeks-

Sorry I've been a little MIA. Not much new to report. I was almost over my cold, now my throat hurts and my cough is worse... so either my cold never left, or I caught something else. V had a fever yesterday and wasn't feeling well, but I couldn't see anything wrong with him- no congestion, he wasn't complaining about any specific body parts, so I don't know what's going on with him. Or if I've caught something from him. Again.

We are a little over 33 weeks now. I am exhausted, eating is difficult, I get a lot of round ligament pain now (probably because I'm measuring around 43 weeks), and my pelvic girdle pain (PGP) is bad. I've been dealing with the contractions off/on since our trip to L&D, but they mostly stay away so long as I drink a gallon of water a day. Which is really really hard. I also got morning sickness back, or something, because sometimes I get all day nausea and just can't stand the thought of drinking/eating. I'm running out of non-bruised areas to inject my Lovenox.

I can no longer attempt trips to the store, unless I want to ask for their wheelchair. I tried a week or two ago and very much regretted it- I had horrible back pain, my pelvis popped out weird from the PGP so walking to the van was awful, and of course that short trip triggered contractions. I felt rough for days after. Never again.

Still, the babies are growing good and that's what matters the most. It's just hard sometimes. I keep reminding myself that we have 38 days or less to go now, and every extra day I keep them in is awesome. I know that's what matters most, and this is temporary. I love watching them squirm and fight at night. It's a reminder that they're alive, and that this is what I'm working towards. These two are worth every ache and pain, and I feel extremely fortunate that they're still with us. Right now I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

31 weeks + 1 day

First of all, I'm still sick. I'm feeling much better, but still have a runny nose and cough. I also get out of breath easy (which would happen anyway) and break out in a sweat from doing little tasks. I think my cold is on the way out though. I managed to sleep laying down last night, rather than sitting up, so that is a huge improvement. I kept waking up because my throat got so dry I couldn't hardly breath but I'm definitely on the mend. I expect by Thursday I should be all (or almost all) better, it generally takes me 2 weeks to get completely over a cold.

My two appointments this week went well. There were no issues with my OB, urine and BP are fine. They checked my cervical length again and it's sitting at 4.6cm so that is fantastic. MFM today and the babies were measuring right on track, A was estimated 3lbs and 15oz while B was estimated 3lbs and 12oz. A has a bigger belly and smaller head, while both are measuring long on their leg bones, so it sort of evened out. The measurements can be off 4oz or so, so obviously just an estimate, but they're sizes are great regardless. Baby B was head up on Tuesday, but had flipped to transverse sometime between then and today. Go figure. That one just can not hold still. So it's way up in my ribs again, which isn't helping my breathing issues I'm sure. A is still head up, but now rather than having B's face in it's face, it has B's butt. Siblings... It's very smooshed in there. They both had the hiccups, and were practice breathing, which is all great. The tech unexpectedly turned on the 3D scan for us and we actually got some partial face shots, so I was really excited about that! We hardly ever see Baby A's face, and have only one profile from around 14 weeks. So that was very neat!

I go back to my OB's office two weeks from last time, although my OB is out on vacation so I'll see another OB in there. Still, it shouldn't be a big deal. I see MFM in another 4 weeks at 35wks, assuming the babies are still baking, and that'll be our last scan with them. It's really hard to wrap my head around how close we're getting now! We're making progress on the bedroom repairs/switches, and should be ready to move furniture soon. After that we can get the baby stuff down from the attic, and start getting everything ready.

Here's a photo of each baby:

Updates and sick again-

My OB follow up went well, my cervix was still over 4cm so that was great. Both babies were squirming and had good heart rates too. My doctor prescribed me some medication for my killer heartburn and it's been amazing. I really needed it. I was starting to feel more human after my scare, no more contractions, I even managed to go to the store (not on my own mind you). We did our hospital tour, I used a wheel chair to be safe, and that all went well.

And then I got sick. Not the stomach flu again, thank goodness, but a cold. It's pretty nasty. I was feeling pretty bad yesterday, I was crying because I felt so awful and on top of the previous illness... but I'm a lot worse today. I'm taking meds to help with the congestion but I am so out of it. I was up every hour, on the dot, last night just to cough up phlegm and blow my nose. I am not functioning well today. I am staying hydrated though, and taking it super easy... not that I have any choice there, going from room to room hurts my lungs and winds me. I've been using my inhaler a lot, but with my decreased lung capacity (due to the twins) and this new bug, taking a deep breath physically hurts. So using my inhaler hurts, but not using it hurts more soooo....

In summary: this past month I have had two bouts of stomach flu, spent 12 hours in L&D for contractions from dehydration, and now this cold. I am not functioning so well these days.

I did just get an important call though: my c-section has been scheduled! Babies will be here no later than June 30th. Obviously they could still come sooner, but at least we have a finish line ahead of us now. Something solid to count down to. I needed that today.

A night in L&D

I had my OB appointment Tuesday, everything looked great. The babies were active, I did my glucose tolerance test (GTT), we got some other blood work ran, things looked fine. I was a little nauseous, but I thought it was related to the GTT. It was not.

V had caught the stomach flu from his cousin a few days back, but I thought (once again) that I'd dodged it. Keep in mine we just got over the stomach bug, or a similar one, around two weeks ago. I was wrong, obviously. So I went to bed that night feeling really nauseous, my stomach hurt pretty bad. I woke up Wednesday morning at 2:40ish vomiting. It was a pretty massive fit. I tried to go sit back in bed, propped up, and started noticing belly tightening. My lower back already hurt from shopping earlier, so I kind of wrote that off until it started coming with the tightening, got way more intense, and also spread to my sides. At this point it was coming pretty frequently so I knew something wasn't right, and called the on-call OB.

At their suggestion we just went to our local ER, rather than driving the hour to the hospital with a level III NICU. I didn't think I was having real contractions, I thought they were just braxton hicks still. I got checked in and hooked up, threw up again while they were trying to get the monitors on, and they finally got me an IV started. My cervix was closed, they did a FFN test (which came back negative), and they started me on fluids and Zofran (for nausea). I was having contractions every 3 minutes though, so they gave me a shot of Brethine to try and relax my uterus (as they put it).

After the first bag of fluids they did an ultrasound to check my cervix, it was still over 4cm so that was great. Babies looked fine too, they were kicking and punching, and flipping, all over the place the entire ultrasound. They did not stop moving the entire time we were in the hospital. I was still contracting every 2-3 minutes though so they wanted to give me another dose of Brethine, but my heart rate was too high so they had to wait a few hours for it to go back down. In the meantime I had to start my third bag of fluids. They eventually gave me the second dose of Brethine.

I was there from about 4am until 4pm, the contractions had just started to settle down by 3pm. I was still having some when I was discharged, but they said that's to be expected when you're sick. They were really far between, and the ones that happened between them lasted less than 40 seconds so they weren't really worrisome.

I called my OB while I was there (since they don't have privileges at that hospital) and kept them updated on what was happening. I have a follow-up on Tuesday to recheck my cervix, and a script for Zofran to get through the last of this stomach bug. I'm obviously to drink a lot of fluid, and rest.

I wasn't too worried when we went in, but when they told me the contractions were still happening every 2-3 minutes (even after the first dose of Brethine) I did start to panic a little. I was stuck at an inadequate hospital (level II NICU) without my doctor, and these babies need to stay in as long as they can. If something like this happens again (god forbid) we're going straight to our hospital. That morning I just really didn't feel up to it with the nausea and contractions, and I was worried about delaying treatment. When we got there we were more worried about being stuck there, and it just wasn't worth it.

I'm still having occasional tightening today, but it's nothing like yesterday. My Ob and nurse have been really nice and helpful, our nurse called this morning and we set up our follow up scan. She also gave me the blood results from my tests Tuesday, I did pass my GTT, TSH is fine, but I do have low iron. I already starts taking an iron supplement after the last round of stomach flu so I'm just to continue taking that for now. So, here's to hoping for an uneventful rest of the week. I could use it. 29 weeks today, and really wanting to make it at least another 6, although 9 more weeks would be great!

Late update from MFM-

My appointment with maternal fetal medicine went pretty well. Both babies were facing my back, so they weren't the most cooperative, but they looked good. A flipped head up, and B flipped so it's head it on the right (not left anymore where it's been forever) so they have their little heads together, rather than just their feet. I think the flipping explains the breathing issues I had that day, with the baby lump I saw, and all that flipping, it would have compressed my lungs.

Anyway, at 27 weeks Baby A measured in at 2lbs and 12oz, and Baby B measure in at 2lbs and 10oz. A's abdomen was larger than before, where it had been measuring about a week ahead it's suddenly measuring two weeks ahead, so MFM is a little concerned about gestational diabetes. It could have just been part of a growth spurt, but who knows. They aren't worried enough that they want me to come in sooner, and I have my glucose tolerance test on the 22nd so I suppose we'll just go from there.

Thursday marks 28 weeks. I am absolutely exhausted, but every day we get a little closer.

Entering the third trimester-

Today marks 27 weeks, with 11 weeks to go (at the most)! We are getting there, slowly but surely. I'm feeling a lot better after the stomach flu incident, although I'm still struggling a bit but I think that comes with being this far a long. My breathing is a little better, but I'm also using my inhaler several times a day. I can lay down and breath though, so I think that episode was from a baby to the lungs more than anything else. Which is weird, but what can you do? I did start taking iron supplements after all that, I was feeling very off and I know at this point with V I had low iron and with two babies you need more. My OB will probably test it at the next appointment, but that isn't until the 22nd (almost 29wks), and I didn't want to wait that long. They'll be doing my gestational diabetes test then too, and they should be retesting my thyroid stimulating hormone to make sure that's still good.

I'm consistently measuring about 10 weeks ahead, so while I'm 27 weeks today I'm measuring closer to 37. I did a photo comparison of my bump from last week, so enjoy that. Yes, V was running around me during the photos, ha. He likes to get in on the action.

I have another growth ultrasound with Maternal Fetal Medicine tomorrow. Hopefully the babes are growing on track and all looks well. They've been kicking and wiggling up a storm pretty frequently these days, so that offers me a lot of reassurance. I only got the doppler out once this month, and that was on a low movement day- I didn't even find Baby A but it did kick excessively and move around to avoid/hit the doppler... so I assume all was well.

We're still working on getting the house ready, we've got to finish the room repairs so we can switch rooms around. I got stuff for V's big boy room, but that has to wait until we get into our new room... it's a lot of waiting to get things done. The longer we have to wait to get stuff done, the less I can help with. Which obviously presents an issue since we have barely any help around here. We do want to get V into his big boy room before the babies come though, less transition all at once that way, plus I won't be able to get him in/out of the crib before too long and I definitely won't be able to after my c-section. I really don't want to switch him out of the crib, he still doesn't know how to get out of it so it's nice haha, but I know we need to. It's time.

We really don't need much more for the babies thankfully, I've been buying a little here and there. Actually, I think we have everything for the babies we need, although there are some things I would like... they just aren't necessary. Some things can wait until they're a little older so we're not rushing them either. Most of what's on our to-do list is related to the big room switch up. It's a little overwhelming anyway, to be honest. I'm sure we'll get it done, but I still find myself anxious at times. Maybe it's because I'm so helpless right now, there really isn't anything I can do to expedite the process. I can't really nest, I have to take it easy cleaning, I can't move furniture...

It's hard to believe how close we're getting. If they come early, at say 35 weeks, we might have as little as 8 weeks left. Maximum it's going to be 11 though, which is less than 3 months. Yikes.

Ugh, stomach bug-

Oh, hi Internet. I've been on/off the internet on my phone, but just now am getting back on the computer... this week has been a mess.


V went down with the stomach bug Thursday night and it's just been a cascade effect. I can't even remember what day it is today, it's been that bad. But V got over his (well, the vomiting stage), then A came down with it. Just as A was starting to feel a little better, I finally caught it. It seems to be 24 hours of stomach cramps and vomiting, followed by 24-48 of nausea and extreme fatigue.

I had awful stomach cramps all night (I want to say Monday), within 24 hours I had only eaten a piece of toast (that didn't stay down) and I think two crackers. All the water I had drank came up. Just as I was starting to become less nauseous, I started showing signs of dehydration. I called the on call OB and she said that since it was just the beginning signs of dehydration and I was starting to feel a little better that as long as I could drink a 6-8oz cup in the next hour, then I could skip the ER. Thankfully it stayed down. I've been pushing water with electrolytes, Gatorade, Popsicles, applesauce trying to replenish my stores. I managed to eat some breakfast today, and a bit of lunch, but it's slow going. The first drink/bite this morning was awful, I had to take it really slow then lay down and hope I didn't lose it. The nausea is a lot better since then! Lunch didn't make me nauseous, but I am starving. I'm taking it really slow though so I don't make myself sick from overdoing it. I'm really weak still and going from one room to the next requires a lot of effort, it leaves my heart palpitating. Heck, just typing this out is wearing my arms out.

I just got V down for his nap a bit ago, so I'm going to try and nap some more. Hopefully I'll be back to normal by this weekend.

Long week-

It's been a whirlwind week.

I had my OB appointment Tuesday and all was (is) well there. I go back in 4 weeks, we'll do my 1 hour glucose tolerance test, then we start bi-weekly appointments. We might go ahead and schedule my c-section too (yikes) for 38 weeks. We're 25 weeks now, so that leaves 13 weeks left maximum (of course they might come earlier). I see MFM on the 11th for another growth scan to see how the babies are doing.

After the appointment we had to head south for an overnight stay because A had a business meeting early in the morning. He would have had to get up at 3am here to make it on time because of the drive time, so we just drove down the night before and decided to plan a little surprise side trip for V.

So we went down, got caught in a snow storm with limited visibility for most of the duration (seriously whiteout conditions at times). Luckily it wasn't sticking, it just made seeing more than a car/semi-truck away from you impossible. We got to the hotel alright though, and tried to relax for the evening. This was V's first time staying overnight somewhere other than home, so he was rather wound up but it was all good.

In the morning A went to his meeting while the little guy and I chilled at the hotel. Afterward we went on our second part of the trip- the big surprise for V! We were very close to an aquarium we had planned to visit earlier last year but had to cancel, so how could we skip that opportunity? V loves aquariums and fish; I mean if we pass the fish in the pet section at the supermarket he freaks out. We walked in there and he lost it, he just kept yelling, "Look! A fish!" It was wonderful. I was exhausted, we had barely any sleep, but it was totally worth it to see his face light up like that. He spent the whole time pointing out fish, sharks, alligators and crocodiles (which he thought were dinosaurs and dragons) just eating it up. At the end I was sore, hungry, and I just wanted to go home but I definitely don't regret it: it was awesome.

The next day I intended to rest away my aches, then catch up on housework... sadly, V came down with the stomach flu. Big time. All night he was up and down puking, then into the next day. He was miserable, the poor kid. He didn't throw up today though, so I think we're on the mend- let's hope anyway. So now the disinfecting process begins and hopefully I won't catch it because that would be awful, especially in my condition. I assume A will be safe because he never catches anything, ha. He always seems to be lucky like that.

We had plans for tomorrow, but we had to nix them. Hopefully we can get some rest instead (between cleaning, yikes) goodness knows we all need it!

Appointment update- 23 weeks

The babies both looked good. It was a really long day so I didn't get a chance to come here and update. A is about 1 lb 7 oz, and B is 1 ob 8oz. There was much kicking to be had, they were playing footsie and at one point B decided to kick A in the crotch. Sibling love, I'm telling ya! They both looked good though, they think they've gotten all the necessary shots now (continue the anatomy checks) and there were no signs of an issue.

After the appointment we did a little shopping, then had to come back here and get things done around the house. It's been a very stressful week, and I'm just glad that today I can relax. I probably won't, because there are a million things to do, but I'm going to try and stay as idle as possible. Ha!

V is still pretty clueless about what's going on. He'll tell you where the babies are sometimes, or pet my belly when we tell him to be gentle (you know, not jump and kick there), but usually he just looks confused. We try to keep him involved, he goes to our scans, we show him the baby on the screen, take him shopping (where he always seems to get something too, hmmm), got him his own "baby" too. I plan on making him a big brother basket/present to help with the transition, so he won't feel as left out, and maybe have him buy special presents for the babies too. It's hard because he's still behind in communicating, and he's young anyway. He's had a recent word/sentence explosion so that's exciting progress. He's starting to put words together on his own to make his own "sentences," although most are for imaginary play. We're getting there though.

Weekend stresses and updates-

We tried to get my Lovenox prescription processed with the new insurance over the weekend.

Ugggghhhhhhhhhh.

I get the generic, and first it was declined. They tried running it a different way, it was covered with a $334 co-pay ($1046 without insurance). Then they tried to run it through my supplemental benefits (told to treat it as a secondary insurance) and... they couldn't. The website didn't work, and no representatives were available until Monday during regular business hours. Cue panic.

I mean, at this point we didn't know if the supplemental would cover the prescription at all. I spent the weekend frantic, wondering how we could afford that, if I'd qualify for forbearance on my student loans, if Heparin would be cheaper (it's not covered at all by our insurance)... I. was. freaking. out. I need that medicine to help prevent miscarriage/stillbirth and to prevent myself from getting clots- and that's a lot of extra money to come up with.

So today came around, and THANK GOODNESS they kicked it through the supplemental with a co-pay of $84. The lady at the pharmacy probably thought I was crazy with how excited  I was with that news, and how profusely I thanked her for her dedication to getting it processed for us. I basically melted in my chair from relief. Whew.

So then the upcoming MFM appointment... it fell on the 5 year anniversary of when I finally passed the second baby. That obviously made me uncomfortable/anxious. We already had one appointment around the time we lost the third one (Monday before Thanksgiving), and I almost threw up in the waiting room for that ultrasound because of my nerves. Well, now we have a winter storm watch and they're calling for rain/ice pellets followed by snow, and I just said screw it... I'm not risking the hour drive there, hour drive back, with weather like that. I rescheduled. Hopefully they aren't holding that against me, but one less stress for me is one less stress for me. I'm done with stress this week. So I go in Friday morning instead. Hopefully all will be well with the babies.

Ending on a more positive note... We have 1.5wks left until viability now, so we're just hanging in there and waiting it out. Every day we get a little closer to our next milestone.

The babies and I are growing super fast; here's my 22 week belly shot. Definitely measuring ahead about 8-10 weeks consistently. My OB doesn't measure my fundal height, but comparing to photos of when I was pregnant with V it sure looks comparable. It's normal to measure 6-8 weeks ahead with twins, and V always measured 1-2 weeks ahead (these two have been measuring a week ahead), it makes sense to me. I think Baby B has moved head down but I'm not sure, A is still head down though. I've been feeling them both a lot more during the day, so there's that. I'm using the doppler a lot less since I feel a little better when I feel them more. My pregnant after loss brain is still in gear, I'm still nervous, but trying to stay positive.

OB appointment-

Blood pressure and all that was fine. I requested a cervical length check so they sent me down for that, I just wanted to be safe since I wouldn't be getting another one with MFM. The scan showed it was 3.9cm this time, which is good- however, it was 4.7cm two weeks ago. My OB wants me to have it rechecked in two weeks and she told me to take it easy. It could just be the difference in machine/tech, but better to play it safe. She said I could come back there, but we'll request MFM check again since we see them in two weeks anyway. And if they won't for some reason I'll just call her back up and try to get in there.

The babies had good heart beats via ultrasound, although we couldn't really see them since it was so zoomed in on hearts. They were moving and partying it up though, according to the tech. They were giving her a hard time, but not too bad.

In the waiting room I had my first "When are you due," comment, followed by an eye bulge today. I guess I'm getting pretty big. I explained to the lady I was carrying twins, and she said, "Oh, I was gonna say..." Mmmhmmm. Okay then. Assuming we can keep these babies cooking for a long while yet, this is going to get pretty interesting. I've gained like 40lbs already (only gained 26 with V). I look like I'm 30wks pregnant, if I compare photos to his pregnancy too.

I'm really exhausted all the time now. I can barely find the energy to get basic stuff done most days and I hurt all over. I went to the maternity store after the appointment to get a few necessities, we were maybe there a half hour... it wiped me out completely. I had to buy a maternity support belt, at the suggestion of my OB, because my lower abdomen feels like it's tearing up and hurts all the time. The belt is nice, I just have to be careful not to overuse it. I honestly never felt like this with V even at full term, I'm really worried about how I'm going to finish this pregnancy. I'm take it super easy as it is, but I guess I need to tone it down even more.

MFM in two weeks. I think I need to take a Tylenol and get some rest now.

Crafting-

I had went back to buy a little more fabric for the second blanket but walked in on a major fabric sale. I actually wish I had bought more, the deals were amazing. I did end up buying enough fabric to make two extra minky blankets, plus some cuddle fleece to make some cuddle blankets. Not bad for the price, and I was happy with how things turned out. I got more of the robot fabric (it's just so fun/cute) I made two of those. I also bought two bird/tree fabrics that I liked. They would have went wonderfully with V's nursery, and since the twins are going to be getting his room (brown/blue) and probably the same theme, it'll do nicely for them too!

 

The minky blankets went a lot smoother since I made the first one. I used this tutorial to give me an idea of how to approach it, but did what worked best for me. I made the hem bigger on the first one, but that made things sloppy for me so I actually made it much smaller on the others. It went much better. I'm still not the best at sewing a straight line, but it's close enough. I'm really happy with them. They seem solid, and they are sooo soft. The bottom is a bubbled minky fleece and the top is actually cozy flannel. In the end it was cheaper than buying these types of blankets from the store (especially with the sale price) and I was able to really personalize them too. Not bad!

I'm also working on two crochet blankets. I wanted more vibrant colors than what I usually do, so I picked out a dark plum and teal. I'm working on the plum currently, and while I've got a fair bit done it feels slow going. Sewing blankets goes so much quicker, I managed to make two in under an hour. Crocheting can take days, weeks, even months, depending on how aggressive you're being. It's worth it, but sometimes I get distracted from completing the task or I get tired/bored.

The pattern I'm using I found here, and it's the same one I used to make others before (including V's). It's hard to see from the photo, so I shared another photo of one I did in years past. I really like it, but it takes a lot more focus than the basket weave pattern I use (made some for friends/families babies, it's my other go-to pattern). It would probably go quicker if I used that pattern, but I really love the way this shell one looks when it all comes together.

I'm trying to pass the time, and this helps. We're getting closer and closer to viability, but I still get anxious... I'm trying to stay positive and reminding myself that things look good though.

Anatomy scan-

The scan went pretty well. From what we could see, the babies were alright. We however could not get all the shots because the babies were not cooperating and positioned weird, so they'll try to get the rest next month. Baby A was pretty cooperative, as usual, but Baby B was all over and messing with us. Baby B is transverse, and Baby A is head down- basically they have their feet together, all the better to have kick wars. Which we got to watch again today, and yes I thought it was adorable.

Baby B was 11oz and Baby A was 10oz so they're both still measuring ahead. My cervix was nice and long, so that's promising! At this stage it should be 3-5cm and mine was 4.7cm even when they pressed on my lower abdomen to apply pressure to it. I don't think they'll be doing more cervical length checks, but my OB may give me more for peace of mind. For now things look good though.

For some reason when they gave me the disc with photos on them it was just of Baby B, so I was a little disappointed in that. It was two good profile shots of Baby B, but I would have liked at least one of Baby A. I think I'm going to call them about it, or at least mention it at the next appointment. I just worry that if something goes wrong, I won't have that... if that makes sense?

Here's my favorite of Baby B.

We're 18 weeks and 5 days today, so about halfway done (19wks is halfway to 38wks, which I won't be going past). There's a good chance they'll come earlier than that of course, since average gestation is 35wks with two. We'll see. We have about 5 more weeks until "viability" now. I see my OB in 2 weeks, and back to the MFM in 4.

Almost 18 weeks, progress updates

I'll be 18 weeks tomorrow, which means 6 weeks until "viability." Not a guarantee, but the next major milestone for me. It helps that it falls on the start of spring, and let me tell you I am counting down to that too. We are snowed in, and I am so sick of this winter already. I stalk the weather forecast like a hawk leading up to each appointment, worried I'll have to cancel.

My anatomy scan is Tuesday and I am anxious to see how the babies are doing, how they're growing. We're still not planning on finding out what they are, and very at peace with that decision. I am feeling more pops from Baby A, and I think I felt some from Baby B the other night. It's a start, and it definitely helps ease my anxiety. My doppler helps too, although sometimes it's really hard to find them because they hide. Hopefully things will look good, and everything will continue progressing smoothly.

I am feeling huge, and gaining everywhere. It's so hard switching from my weight loss mindset to "gain all the weight!" I'm definitely not restricting myself, I probably could eat healthier, and I am gaining a lot. But so are the babies. Whatever it takes to beef them up though. I can always lose weight again.

I made a blanket for one of the babies and intend on making a second, I just have to wait until I can get back out to buy more fabric. Darn snow storm last night has us beat. Anyway, I liked the Robot pattern for a girl or a boy and couldn't resist. It was adorable. It was my first time sewing a blanket, and I had a few things to learn but I think the next one should go smoother. I do plan on crocheting one for each of them eventually too. Sewing is much quicker though!

I'm still getting bruises from my Lovenox, which is to be expected. I think it's worse when I do them on the front of my belly. Part of me wonders if it's because that's where most of my stretch marks are. Maybe it's just a bad area. The love handles are still my friends, at any rate. It's a little hard to get to them now though. I am rather sick of my the injections, but I'm more than happy that I have a reason to keep doing them.

So, all seems to be going well. I'll update after our appointment next week.

Appointments and Birthdays

The appointment with my OB went well. It was just a quickie; we had an ultrasound to check for heart beats (apparently they don't use dopplers with multiples) and even though the machine was ancient and couldn't take measurements we did see movement so I assume all is well. I felt some maybe kicks the other day, so that was pretty awesome too. So far things look good, and I'll take it.

Thursday we'll be 17 weeks, and I'll also turn twenty-nine years old. Whew, last leg of the twenties. I honestly don't mind, I'm embracing it. Last year I noticed my first wrinkles- laugh lines. I actually love them, I think they're a sign of a life well lived. Most people kind of joke about aging, my mom and sister never want to own up to their ages, but I never had an issue with it. I've stayed alive this long, it's an honor. My twenties have been filled with a lot of things, mostly painful but also wonderful, and as we near the end of this chapter in my life, I can only hope it closes on a happy note.

We went out and had my birthday dinner after the appointment since we were out that way, and I did a little shopping. We bought some stuff for the babies, and that of course makes me very nervous. I wanted to allow myself to enjoy though, and I know that spacing things out (and hitting sales) will save us some in the long run. I just hope we don't regret it. In the back of my head I still worry, I advise caution, but I'm allowing myself to prepare and move forward too. I'm worried it will backfire, that this will make things harder. It's really a lose-lose scenario, because no matter the outcome I'll still grieve and have regrets. At least this gives me something useful to do, and a moment of happiness.

I tucked all my purchases away just the same, because I can't relax that much. It's progress though. We have have about 7 weeks until viability... one day at a time we're getting there.

Unexpected stress-

I've had one hell of a week. Babies are fine, let me say that up front. I can find both on the doppler, they seem to have moved near each other (no doubt to poke/kick each other) but are well.

It's an unexpected, sudden, change in insurance. I had already resigned myself to what we would pay for the delivery under our insurance plan (which is much worse than the one we had with V) when they decided to change plans again this year... effective February 1st. First of all, my old deductible was $1k, now it's $5k (family deductible went from $2k to $10k). I have to pay 100% on all my maternal fetal ultrasounds until our deductible is met, because they aren't counted as appointments with an ultrasound it's just billed as a stand alone ultrasound. Oh, and the ultrasounds are double billed because there are two babies, so instead of just being $175 or whatever, they're $288. I have to have those scans once a month. With my $1k deductible that wouldn't have been as bad, but with a $5k... I just don't know how we're going to make it work. I also pay $55 for every OB appointment. After deductible we pay 20% until we reach our $12,700 OOP max (used to be $3k I think!)... then everything is covered 100%. Yeah.

Umm. Sum up... we're going to end up paying thousands more than expected. We'll be paying 100% on my MFM appointments, and I can't make payments on those- I have to pay them, or I can't get another appointment. Basically I will be paying $443 each month for appointments and my medication. I was not prepared for this. Once we go to bi-weekly and weekly appointments that cost will increase by a hell of a lot more. And there's no way I'm meeting that deductible before delivery, despite all that.

A's work is offering a health reimbursement account that they pay into which will help with our deductible, but it's an unknown percent and I know we'll still be paying a lot with double ultrasounds and a double c-section.

It's horrible timing, and I am just at a loss. I'm trying not to think about it, I'm budgeting and we're going to get through this. I'm just devastated though. It's SO MUCH worse that I am flabbergasted.

Now that I got that out there, I'm going to lay is aside. I can live more frugally, somehow. I can make this work. This isn't the end of the world. We will survive.

Meeting with our MFM

We met with our Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor today, and I left feeling rather frustrated. First, they will do an ultrasound every four weeks to check on the babies growth which is great. However, they will only be checking my cervix at our anatomy scan, and unless it is short or I show symptoms of an issue they will not check it again. She cited that there is nothing they can do, and that they don't even really recommend bed rest anymore because it hasn't been shown to help.

Okay, ummm. Yeah. I want to be proactive, and I don't see how bed rest would hurt anything. I understand that bed rest means a risk of clots, but if your cervix is shortening I would imagine that bed rest would help alleviate some of the weight/pressure off of it. I don't see how watching things and being aware of an issue could hurt either, what harm would more cervical checks do?

I left feeling very dissatisfied with things, and I do plan to talk about this more with my OB on the 28th. I'm pretty sure she said we will begin monitoring my cervix at some point, not that we would just monitor it once like this MFM said.

Otherwise, the babies both looked great. They did a very in depth scan: we saw all four chambers of their hearts, full stomachs, livers, brain parts, and all that good stuff. Both babies are measuring about a week ahead and weighing in at an estimated 4oz each. So that's great. Baby A was where I always find it with my doppler, and didn't really move from that spot during the scan. It rolled some and wiggled, but remained stationary. It's placenta is posterior, a bit to the right. Baby B was moving around all over, just like when I'm trying to find it with the doppler. It was everywhere, and very uncooperative (reminds me of how V was). The placenta was a little anterior and to the left.

My favorite bit of the scan was when she was measuring baby B's feet (or trying to) and it started kicking at baby A's feet, who in turn kicked back! And they proceeded to kick each other for a bit. It made me laugh, and it definitely made things a lot more real too.

We will be 15 weeks on Thursday. Hopefully things will continue going well, and I can do my best to ensure we get the care we need.

Edited to add for clarity- the cervical checks I'm talking about our by ultrasound to check length, not the checks performed later in pregnancy to check dilation.

14 weeks

I'm not doing weekly bump posts like last time, but I thought I'd offer a comparison. Apparently a second pregnancy (to make it this far, 5th total though) and it being twins makes a huge difference. Here's 4 weeks vs 14 weeks.

I did have mild OHSS in the first one so I was a bit bloated. My dress, which I had cut out and sewn months in advance barely zipped for Halloween. I don't think it's super noticeable but the change in fit, from before stimming to after I got my first positive, was huge. I was seriously worried I wouldn't be able to wear it to take V trick-or-treating.

Now, well, things are pretty obvious. To someone who doesn't know me it might be easy to assume I'm just bigger. To me at least, it's obvious pregnancy bump. I feel huge. I was not showing this much at this stage with V.

Sometimes I do feel flutters, especially while using my doppler. The little stinkers threw me for a loop last night, after having been in the same spots for several days they switched things up and it took me forever to find them last night. I barely did, and I'm not entirely sure I didn't just fine the same one since it swims around a lot. Oh well!

I haven't been bruising as bad from my Lovenox. That's not to say I'm not at all, I got a pretty bad one last night. It's all about the area and how slowly I inject though, some areas are just more prone to bruising. The far end of my love-handles, way to the side, seem to be the best. Of course there's only so many times I can inject there, and on the rare occasion those ones do bruise I have to hunt for different areas. Sometimes my injects go just fine, sometimes they're extremely painful. It's all hit or miss.

So, 14 weeks. That's something. We're out of the first trimester (yay), and I'm hoping the next 10 weeks will go as smoothly as these last.

Temporary relief- using my doppler

I debated a lot about whether or not I should buy a doppler. With V I couldn't find him until 15 weeks, and sometimes it was hit or miss. In the end it did offer me a lot of reassurance, and it was a nice experience being able to listen to him. With twins, I didn't know how helpful it would be though since there are two and it may complicate things.

I am glad that I went for it though. At first I could only find one, it did not help that I wasn't sure where I should be looking. At 13 weeks most women's uterus' would have just barely risen out of the pelvic bone, but as this was my second to make it this far and twins (coupled with how much I'm already showing) I started out much higher... near my belly button. It's a good thing I did, because Baby B was up there. The first time I checked I couldn't find Baby A, the second time I did find Baby A but couldn't find Baby B.

I think I have them figured out though. Baby A is below my c-section scar, and (s)he doesn't move much. I mean on the ultrasound (s)he was kicking and punching but (s)he is pretty stationary. I can consistently find it right below my scar. Baby B though is a squirmy worm- always near my belly button but sometimes directly below, sometimes to the far right, and once to the far right. Tonight I found him/her very clearly, only to have them swim away- I could hear it on the doppler, and even felt it. So. cool. But it also makes listening to it on the doppler difficult, ha.

Using the doppler can be trying, and when I can't find them it's frustrating, but I know that even my OB had trouble finding babies sometimes. It's normal. So if I can't find them, I say, "Okay," and put it away for the night. I always caution people when using them, because it's easy to freak out when you can't find them... but it's normal. Even when I could feel V's movements I couldn't always find his heart beat. One day I ended up having to do kick counts, but all was well.

Finding them is exciting though, it's helping me to bond more. This whole pregnancy I've been really detached. It's just one of my defense mechanisms, I have trouble letting myself get attached because subconsciously part of me still feels like this is going to end. I don't like feeling that way, but there it is. Listening to them makes it more real, and it also got me to do something I hadn't really done before- I actually talked to them. At this point with V I was talking to him a lot, mostly begging him to hang in there and keep fighting, but so far this time... I've just remained a little ambivalent. Part of me wants to get excited and start planning things now, and part of me doesn't even want to acknowledge that I'm  pregnant. The whole thing felt so surreal I couldn't attach. I'm starting too though, they're definitely becoming more real. I'm already attaching personality traits to them, and letting myself imagine how that will reflect on them later. I talk to Baby B the most, but it's usually, "Hold still! Now where did you go?!" It's progress though, so I'll take it.

Not a real post-

I finally got in touch with the MFM's office and we have an appointment scheduled for the 14th for a consultation and ultrasound. Then our next appointment will be on the 28th with my OB. Hopefully we can get more questions answered, figure out how our care will play out, and go from there.

I bought a doppler and it arrived today (I had passed my old one on to a friend). I managed to find one of the babies about halfway up to my belly button to the left, and on the opposite side I'm pretty sure I heard a placenta but did not find the second baby. I'm not worried, because I know they're still small and shifty. They have a nasty habit of hiding behind each other. Maybe I can find them both another time.

I shouldn't be surprised at how high my uterus is already, but at the same time wow it's no wonder I'm showing so much already. Between it being a second pregnancy and twins I guess that really pushed things out sooner.

13 weeks and 1 day today... still taking it one day at a time.