People keep asking me how I am, my go to response is simply, "Exhausted." We chuckle, and then skip over to whatever they wanted to talk about.
I try to keep up, but while they're talking I'm usually wrangling a child, nursing, washing dishes, or trying to watch TV during my very limited "me" time. The truth is... things have been hard. I am exhausted from the moment I wake up, until the moment I go down. A toddler and infant twins is hard work. Work I love and would not trade for the world, but I also feel like I'm imploding. My walls are breaking down, I snap more at everyone, I am physically and mentally exhausted, I'm having trouble putting sentences together sometimes, my reserves are just depleted. I'm hoping I can get some "me" time soon, even if it's just a hair cut, because right now all I get is a daily shower and if I'm very lucky an hour while all the kids nap at the same time. I'm having one of those rare moments right now.
It's not even the cleaning, because let's be honest... I'm lucky if I get the dishes washed every day. And I have to get the dishes washed (no dishwashing machine) otherwise I can't make dinner. It's more... the feeling of constantly being needed, of never getting time to turn off my awareness. Awareness of where the kids are, are they okay, who needs food, who needs changed, who needs their clothes changed, who needs bathed, who needs.... always who needs what. I often forget about my own needs... I would forget to shower if my hair wasn't so greasy (yay hormones) and I wasn't breastfeeding.
I forget a lot these days. Blood work was fine, my doctor thinks it's just mental exhaustion- if it gets worse, come back in. In the meantime, well, I'm really absentminded. Until I get better... or I don't. I say the opposite word sometimes, forget the word I'm looking for, etc.. It's unnerving.
I am not complaining. I love my children, and I love our life. I am just swamped, with very little help. I'm trying to remind myself that this phase will pass... probably sooner than I want it too. A goes above and beyond helping me with the kids, but I'm still here alone with all the kids half the day. I'm the only one who can feed the girls since we're breastfeeding. Our families don't really have anything to do with us. A couple of them might visit the kids for an hour or two, but that doesn't help me at all... it just means our daily routine gets disrupted, and I might have to clean.
It's not all doom and gloom, honest. I get giggles, and coos, in the morning I get the most beautiful smiles. V makes me laugh so much my sides hurt some nights. Watching them grow, and start to interact with each other, is the greatest privilege in the world. These children are worth the struggle I went through to have them, and what I'm going through right now.
I just need a chance to recharge.