Thursday, June 12, 2014

36 weeks

So we're 36 weeks now, which is great. Physically I don't feel so great though... I'm just having such a hard time right now. This pregnancy has been so different than when I was just carrying V. We have 18 more days until our c-section and I just don't know how I'm going to make it. I hurt everywhere, I'm starting to swell up, I'm so crampy every day, my belly burns/aches all the time, and my new heartburn med isn't working very well, so I wake up feeling like I'm going to throw up too. I can barely walk around my house, let alone anywhere else. The hour car ride to my OB's office is awful. It's bad. It's gotten really bad this past week. I do my best not to complain, I've definitely not lost sight that the babies are doing well and that's what's most important... but I feel like I'm falling apart, and I end up crying most nights from the pain.

My OB appointment on Tuesday went well. No signs of preeclampsia, babies both looked good. My cervix is still closed, so no progress there. My OB offered to see if there were any openings at the hospital for 38 weeks rather than my scheduled 38 weeks and 4 days. Of course, there aren't. The nurse said that if something opens up they'll let me know though. I'm not going to count on that, but it was a nice thought.

I'm anxious about waiting until 38 weeks and 4 days for a lot of reasons- with twins the placentas do start to break down earlier (usually starting at 38 weeks), and the whole point of a scheduled c-section is to avoid going into labor on my own, not just because of the risk of uterine rupture but also because I am on Lovenox and the increased bleeding risks and possibility of requiring general anesthesia. But I just have to hope for the best here, and try to tough it out. I mean, things should be fine. I hope?

I just get really anxious as we near the end. I did the same thing with V, and a lot of that has to do with my sister's loss. My sister is getting anxious too, she was really panicking about them not doing more growth scans. I told her it's normal, but you know that doesn't help. It's just a hard place to be in. You know that they're alive today, but that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. I can't trust my body. It's hard to explain to most people, but I feel like they're honestly safer on the outside than in after a certain point. I felt that same way with V. I'm on the Lovenox though, and we're doing everything we can... it's just hard trying to have faith that everything will be alright... because it isn't always alright.

Okay, it's late and I'm rambling. I'm trying to soak on the heating pad to relieve some of the back pain and crampiness before bed, and I feel like I'm just going to pass out so I should probably just get some rest. Tomorrow I'll be another day closer at least.


Celia said...

We get it. I wish we didn't but we all get it. I always felt like they were safer on the outside and with Allison the closer I got to the end, the higher the odds were for her to die in utero. So I was like GET HER OUT. I did not feel happy until I was in the hospital parking lot, knowing it was a matter of hours. I got bigger with each pregnancy and with Allie, depending on position I could not always even wipe myself after I went to the bathroom. Being pregnant is hard at the end. I am trying to imagine having two in there and I just can't. By the end with Allie I was so uncomfortable and so tired but unable to sleep. If I got mad( hahah WHY would I get mad with two children in the house) or did too much I would get Braxton Hicks, yuck, I was coughing and vomiting at the same time when I had that cold in the third trimester. Anyhow, NOBODY is going to fault you for voicing discomfort. It's hard. If you need to watch Winnie the Pooh for three times so V can be still, then it is OK. Just do it and rest. I was bribing the boys with Reeses Pieces by the end.

AnotherDreamer said...

Thank you Celia. V does watch more TV than I'd like, I honestly can't even get out in the yard with him right now let alone down on the floor to play (especially since my legs started swelling). He gets bribed with a lot of chocolate milk and coloring books, to say the least! Thank you for understanding.

Rebecca said...

Yes it is scary. I still feel the same way about my pregnancy. I know that she is alive when I'm at the doc's office but who is to say that the umbilical cord or placenta won't kill her off. Makes you want to scream with the insanity of it all. Praying that things will go well for you.

Jennifer said...

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Take it one day at a time. Reward yourself for getting through a few days - do some online shopping or something. I know it sounds shallow, but I get terrible morning sickness, and that helped me get through it. Can you hire help so you can stay home in bed every couple of days?

AnotherDreamer said...

Jennifer, no we can't really hire any help unfortunately. We're on a really tight budget as it is. A is really good at helping though, he helps me get V up most mornings and then comes home for lunch and helps with V's lunch and wrestling him down for his nap. So luckily I'm not on my own too much with V (usually just 4-5 hours of him being awake). I really just stay home anymore unless it's for appointments, and stay on the couch. A does do all the laundry and most of the housework these days... on top of his own stuff for work.

Which makes me feel so useless, and then I get major mommy guilt on top of everything. said...

The end of pregnancy is awful, I can't imagine how it is with two babies baking away.
I hope you aren't too hard on yourself-honestly when I was pregnant we (the kids and I) would rarely go anywhere unless we had too. Even in summer-which lasts for 3 months here in Wisconsin. I say put on a movie V likes and lie down and rest as much as you possibly can.

Completely off topic but I'm so excited to find out who you're having :-)

AnotherDreamer said..., thanks. I'm trying not to be, I just feel really guilty these days! And yes, we'll all know soon enough :) 17 more days (or less, if we're lucky)!

MrsSpock said...

I had such severe hyperemesis my whole pregnancy with C that the mister pretty much did everything. Just think how much work growing 2 babies is- that really is a monumental feat. Hope this goes quickly! M=Being pregnant with one was miserable the last month, so you must be feeling pretty crummy.