Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Temporary relief- using my doppler

I debated a lot about whether or not I should buy a doppler. With V I couldn't find him until 15 weeks, and sometimes it was hit or miss. In the end it did offer me a lot of reassurance, and it was a nice experience being able to listen to him. With twins, I didn't know how helpful it would be though since there are two and it may complicate things.

I am glad that I went for it though. At first I could only find one, it did not help that I wasn't sure where I should be looking. At 13 weeks most women's uterus' would have just barely risen out of the pelvic bone, but as this was my second to make it this far and twins (coupled with how much I'm already showing) I started out much higher... near my belly button. It's a good thing I did, because Baby B was up there. The first time I checked I couldn't find Baby A, the second time I did find Baby A but couldn't find Baby B.

I think I have them figured out though. Baby A is below my c-section scar, and (s)he doesn't move much. I mean on the ultrasound (s)he was kicking and punching but (s)he is pretty stationary. I can consistently find it right below my scar. Baby B though is a squirmy worm- always near my belly button but sometimes directly below, sometimes to the far right, and once to the far right. Tonight I found him/her very clearly, only to have them swim away- I could hear it on the doppler, and even felt it. So. cool. But it also makes listening to it on the doppler difficult, ha.

Using the doppler can be trying, and when I can't find them it's frustrating, but I know that even my OB had trouble finding babies sometimes. It's normal. So if I can't find them, I say, "Okay," and put it away for the night. I always caution people when using them, because it's easy to freak out when you can't find them... but it's normal. Even when I could feel V's movements I couldn't always find his heart beat. One day I ended up having to do kick counts, but all was well.

Finding them is exciting though, it's helping me to bond more. This whole pregnancy I've been really detached. It's just one of my defense mechanisms, I have trouble letting myself get attached because subconsciously part of me still feels like this is going to end. I don't like feeling that way, but there it is. Listening to them makes it more real, and it also got me to do something I hadn't really done before- I actually talked to them. At this point with V I was talking to him a lot, mostly begging him to hang in there and keep fighting, but so far this time... I've just remained a little ambivalent. Part of me wants to get excited and start planning things now, and part of me doesn't even want to acknowledge that I'm  pregnant. The whole thing felt so surreal I couldn't attach. I'm starting too though, they're definitely becoming more real. I'm already attaching personality traits to them, and letting myself imagine how that will reflect on them later. I talk to Baby B the most, but it's usually, "Hold still! Now where did you go?!" It's progress though, so I'll take it.


Sadie said...

Im glad you're finding the doppler helpful and that it's allowing you some bonding moments. I think I am one of those people who freaks out too easily at every little thing, no matter how logical an explanation there may be; so when I wasn't always able to find the heartbeat, even though I know that's normal, it only increased my panic. Now though, when I am feeling baby's movements so consistently, it is kind of a nice experience not so much for reassurance, but to just *hear* that little beating life. And yes, it has helped me to bond and feel more real about the whole thing too (since I think each clinic appointment begins to feel very surreal and fantastical about an hour afterwards).
It's great to hear you are all doing well and that you're slowly getting to know your babies!

Rebecca said...

I know how you feel with the detachment. I have yet to get attached to my baby too and I'm now 11 wks. I'm just so afraid of losing the pregnancy. Half the time I forget I'm pregnant which doesn't help either! said...

Great to hear! I loved my Doppler, it helped ease my anxiety a ton. I'm glad to hear the babies are doing well :)

jessiwallace said...

I hear detachment with consecutive pregnancies is normal. This too shall pass. Once you feel a lot of movement and see more personality on the ultrasounds, it'll sink in. :) I am so thrilled for you!!