Wednesday, April 17, 2013


We got the invite for our nephew's birthday party. Almost 5 years ago, on May 4th, I was getting ready to leave the house for his party, but we never made it. I still remember picking up his present, going to leave the bedroom, and falling down in pain. I remember the blood, my frantic phone call to A, waiting in the ER, and A calling to tell his family that we wouldn't make it. And no, there's no way we can even stop by for a minute. No, we have no reason to offer. They didn't hear me crying in the background. And to this day, we haven't told them why. They know about the miscarriages, but I doubt they put two and two together.

On April 26th 2008, I got a positive digital test, after thinking I was out. The odds were against us that cycle, I'd already had numerous negative tests. We almost completely missed our fertile window because A was out of town, and I didn't ovulate until cycle day 44 anyway. But somehow, miraculously, there is was. I felt so lucky, so fortunate that it only took a year.

How our dreams fell like water.

Ever since then, his birthday has been emotionally loaded for me. He was the first grandson on A's side of the family. We should have had the second grandchild. Instead we have the fourth. The fourth grandchild, from our fourth pregnancy, after four years. Due only a week before the first one we lost.

There are so many associations with our miscarriages though. Our second was conceived on my birthday, and due the same week as two of our nieces/nephews were born. My brother's new baby is due the day after our third one was due. It took me awhile to realize that, because I rarely think about the due date with that one, I've always focused on how hard it was to miscarry days before Thanksgiving. But ours was due July 29th, and his baby is due July 30th.

I don't know why the nephew's birthday party hit me so hard this year. Maybe it's because, wow, it's been 5 years now. At V's party I took a moment to reflect on how that week we should have been holding a 4th birthday party, and not a 1st. But this hit me harder, for some reason.

Maybe it's because I'm running a parallel cycle right now. If this cycle works, I would be due on the exact same day at 5 years ago. I'm reliving everything, and yet I'm not. This cycle is so different than the one 5 years ago, but I'm reliving other cycles in unison with it. I've been here before, and yet I haven't. It's like reality has shifted and I have bad deja-vu.


Anonymous said...

Thinking of you, hoping for you, that this is the one. New associations of joy. :)

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you, hoping for you, that this is the one. New associations of joy. :)

Celia said...

I always think about the baby that wasn't whenever my BF's son has a milestone. I started miscarrying the day of her baby shower. I called and left a message she never got. He just turned six. It's so weird. I don't think about it all the time, just in October or when her son has a birthday.

Rebecca said...

Hoping this cycle brings you happy news!

St Elsewhere said...

Oh, the associations are always playing in the mind, aren't they.

I have found that when I am living such a thing, asking myself to stop thinking about is useless. So, I just let the thought sit on me, and let it pass on my own.

Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

One of my good friends has a similar story to you. She has had 3 miscarriages over the past 4 years of TTC and still no baby. She was JUST NOW diagnosed with MTHFR. Took those wack job doctors long enough to frickin figure it out!!! Now she has an awesome RE who is on top of things. Hopefully she gets pregnant soon and gets to KEEP it. If you have any tips that I can pass along to her, let me know. She's still trying to process what MTHFR means for her. She doesn't have any other answers to her losses, no PCOS, nothing like that and yet she still has issues getting pregnant and staying pregnant.

AnotherDreamer said...

Jessi: Replying here as well as on your blog :)

With MTHFR the main thing is folic acid. She should be on a supplement for that, or a special prenatal. I just take an extra 800mcg (in addition to the 800mcg in my prenatal) because I have the lesser mutation, which isn't that bad. Some women take special prenatals though, which are geared towards MTHFR more, and use folate (vs folic acid, as folate is better).

Some doctors push for blood thinners, but now some don't. It really varies there. I would at least recommend baby aspirin for her, especially given her losses. Her doctor might not think Lovenox is necessary, but with her losses I would probably consider that too. I was on Lovenox more because of the PAI-1 and losses, rather than the MTHFR, but the combination of them probably didn't help.

I hope she has better luck soon and gets the care she needs finally. My heart goes out to her!