We got the invite for our nephew's birthday party. Almost 5 years ago, on May 4th, I was getting ready to leave the house for his party, but we never made it. I still remember picking up his present, going to leave the bedroom, and falling down in pain. I remember the blood, my frantic phone call to A, waiting in the ER, and A calling to tell his family that we wouldn't make it. And no, there's no way we can even stop by for a minute. No, we have no reason to offer. They didn't hear me crying in the background. And to this day, we haven't told them why. They know about the miscarriages, but I doubt they put two and two together.
On April 26th 2008, I got a positive digital test, after thinking I was out. The odds were against us that cycle, I'd already had numerous negative tests. We almost completely missed our fertile window because A was out of town, and I didn't ovulate until cycle day 44 anyway. But somehow, miraculously, there is was. I felt so lucky, so fortunate that it only took a year.
How our dreams fell like water.
Ever since then, his birthday has been emotionally loaded for me. He was the first grandson on A's side of the family. We should have had the second grandchild. Instead we have the fourth. The fourth grandchild, from our fourth pregnancy, after four years. Due only a week before the first one we lost.
There are so many associations with our miscarriages though. Our second was conceived on my birthday, and due the same week as two of our nieces/nephews were born. My brother's new baby is due the day after our third one was due. It took me awhile to realize that, because I rarely think about the due date with that one, I've always focused on how hard it was to miscarry days before Thanksgiving. But ours was due July 29th, and his baby is due July 30th.
I don't know why the nephew's birthday party hit me so hard this year. Maybe it's because, wow, it's been 5 years now. At V's party I took a moment to reflect on how that week we should have been holding a 4th birthday party, and not a 1st. But this hit me harder, for some reason.
Maybe it's because I'm running a parallel cycle right now. If this cycle works, I would be due on the exact same day at 5 years ago. I'm reliving everything, and yet I'm not. This cycle is so different than the one 5 years ago, but I'm reliving other cycles in unison with it. I've been here before, and yet I haven't. It's like reality has shifted and I have bad deja-vu.