Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Emotional baggage-

Sebastian's tree is in full bloom. I still remember the hollowness inside as we dug the whole, wiped the dirt from our hands, and let it be. It grew, with effort, and survived. It towers in the yard, white blossoms swaying in the rain reminding me that life is still beautiful.

Why is this anniversary so hard? It's not even here yet, but I feel it hovering on the peripheral. Is it because five years has passed? Or because V's existence has eclipsed the lost ones in the eyes of everyone, except me? Because no one remembers, or cares, anymore. And that's seems so unfair. To pass from this life and have no one notice, no one remember, no one acknowledge that yes- you existed.

I fell off my diet this past week. I was doing so well too. I've kept jogging, kept walking, but I've kept eating and eating too. Brownies. Cookies. And yes, even soda. I always weave my emotions in with a hearty dose of calories.

I hate infertility. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how, no matter how grounded I am, I still dive into hope. You know. Surely this cycle? It has to be this one. Except it's not. The odds aren't in my favor, but I end up hoping anyway.

I feel like a fool.

I was so laid back starting out, and I still am to an extent... but emotionally, it's starting to waver. Trying this time isn't like the first time, but I'm starting to feel that familiar despair kicking in. That desperation.

I don't think I can get my weight loss off this plateau until we go on our break from treatments. I don't have the willpower to fight two battles at once. Emotionally, I'm not equipped for this.


iamstacey said...

Everyone things guilt or regret are the cruelest of the emotions, but they're not. It's hope. I try not to feel that way but I do. And even though I know that, I know better, it always finds a way to creep back in.

"I don't have the willpower to fight two battles at once" - you pegged it! That's it exactly. Take a breather. Maintain your weight loss, keep living healthy, but give yourself a mental break from weight loss so you can concentrate on NOT concentrating on TTC. :) (easier said, I know)

Sadie said...

Sebastian is such a beautiful name. I am sorry you're marking five years without him; he won't be forgotten though. We'll remember him with you.

I know what you mean about that feeling of foolishness creeping in. It's so hard, because on the one hand I feel like I need the hope to keep me going, but it sure makes each fall a bitch. Sigh.

Ducky said...

Sending you (((hugs)))

Rebecca said...

I too cheat on my diet from time to time and find that it is so much easier to lose the weight right after that cheat. Maybe it is the guilt of knowing I cheated.

Sorry that more don't recognize the importance of each pregnancy. Even my spouse lets them go by without recognition.

An Aspiring Mom-To-Be said...

I bet Sebastian's tree is gorgeous. What a neat way to remember a precious life. Thinking of you.