Saturday, April 6, 2013


We went out to lunch with my mother the other day, and she causally asked if we'd given anymore thought as to whether/when we'd try again.

I deflected as best I could, since I really don't want to deal with that can of worms. I told her that we changed our plan from waiting 5 years, and she tried to tell me 2-3 years is good spacing (as if some of us have that choice?). I left her with how I didn't want to wait until 35 to move on to adoption, if that's what we needed to do. I didn't leave her with a definite date or anything.

I could have just told her that's not her business, but she would have taken it as a personal affront. Besides that, I was really open the first time with everyone (after the first miscarriage anyway), so she probably expects me to be this time. I was fine with that the first time. I was glad to educate and reach for support. But the bottom line is, it's not really anyone's business. I don't want people to start asking, prying, getting in our business, watching our failures go down. This time, I just want some space. I don't want my life consumed by if we're pregnant or if we're not. I want the focus to be on our son, on our life, not the what if. I want to live. Actually live- not just exist in survival mode. And I don't know if I can do that with people breathing down my neck, asking questions, invading my space.

There's already enough of me messing with my head space as it is. There's already enough medical issues and expenses eating at us.

I'm hoping she doesn't bring it back up. Heck, I'm hoping no one else brings it up for a long time. In the meantime, deflection and vague answers are my friend.


Celia said...

People asked on Easter if we were having a third. WHO KNOWS? I mean really. Yes we would like one more, but who the hell knows if we can? Soooo thanks for asking, random relatives. They were the SAME relatives who told me at Christmas to just be happy with what I have. I would never ask anyone but my closest friend if they were going to have more.

An Aspiring Mom-To-Be said...

I've never been a fan of that question. I'm hoping your mom catches on to your deflection and lets you go through this how you want to go through it.

Rebecca said...

Yeah, I know how you feel. Its getting harder to be evasive.

iamstacey said...

I'm with you. And it feels so weird! I was sooo open from the beginning about our infertility. But this time, I just wanted it to be Troy and me. Only two friends know, one because she works at our embryology lab, and the other because she covers for me at work when I'm going through a cycle. It's so strange not to be sharing it with my mom and BFF. But if we have to grieve, it seems like it will be easier to bear if it's just me and Troy.