Today-

I am a day more pregnant than I've ever been in my life.

If I make it to tomorrow, I'll officially have reached 6 weeks.

I keep getting gas pains, and then I can't tell if it's gas cramps or my uterus is cramping. Or both. And then I spend all night trying to find a comfortable position to lay in and worrying. I've been taking acetaminophen to get through the nights.

I also keep freaking out over every cramp and twinge. I expected to wake up to blood this morning because I was really crampy last night, but there was just some brown spotting. Which of course still freaked me out some, but that can't be helped. I haven't noticed any spotting this afternoon... but the day's still young.

Yesterday I stopped wearing pads all day, since I haven't had a lot of spotting for a few days now. I feel like I'm inviting disaster into my life by doing that, like I'm tempting the universe.

I'm still charting on my Fertility Friend chart, because I still expect this pregnancy to end any minute now. I charted through the miscarriages of my last three, just for a record of my meds and to keep track of the spotting/bleeding for all of them. So it's good for me to keep track of that this time too, but I feel like maybe I'm being a little OCD about it now. I don't care, I'm going to keep putting the data in for now.

I'm really weird, I know.

I think my progesterone supplements have finally gotten my levels up a little in my entire body, because I've started passing out during the day. Which totally screwed up my sleep pattern, and I do not like waking up at 5am. But by about 4pm, and then again at 7pm, I just can not keep my eyes open. But, I'm taking it as a good sign. I think.

I almost feel like I'm pregnant.

Almost.

Let's see if I can make it through the weekend.

One day at a time-

My hcg was 1,118 on Monday, and it rose to 2,761 today. That's a doubling time of 55 hours. Which is good... so just trying to take it one day at a time and see what happens.

This is how far along I was with the second pregnancy when I lost it, although my hcg that time was much higher. So obviously I'm anxious as hell today, and I keep cringing at every cramp and checking for blood every time I use the bathroom. It's scary, and I'm not going to pretend it's not. This is the most pregnant I've ever been before, and at the same time it isn't since the hcg is lower.

No matter what, I know that I am far from being out of the woods.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday. I have a really hard time believing I'll make it that far.

After I scheduled it I realized that it's on May 2... that's near the day I ended up in the ER 3 years ago miscarrying the first one. I had an ultrasound back then too. It didn't go so well.

Deep breaths, one day at a time.

Memories of spring-

It's been raining a lot lately, but all that does is bring out the life all around us (not that I'm seeing much of it from my couch). But our tree, his tree, is blooming again. Pretty little white cherry blossoms bursting forth for another year. Their blooming reminds me of what time it is.

They always bloom around the anniversary, which snuck up on me. Which that's no surprise anymore. Loss anniversaries always seem to sneak up on me when I least expect them. We got through the two year loss of the second one, and here we are coming up on the three year anniversary of the first one. Yes, you read that right. Three years ago next week, we lost our first pregnancy.

Where did the time go?

Sitting here, being pregnant for the moment and trapped in uncertainty, I feel like I'm relieving all my pregnancies at once. I'm on bed rest like the second time, worried about slow rising betas like the last time, dealing with spotting/bleeding again, and feeling the same symptoms as the first time (although this time I'm pretty sure all symptoms can be directly attributed to the meds). But still, it feels like all 3 pregnancies and losses combined.

My next blood draw I'll be 5wks 5days, based on my ovulation date. That's the longest an embryo has ever survived. When I was 5wks 5 days with the second one, I woke up that morning covered in blood. My beta that day was in the 5 thousands, the ultrasound showed a gestational sac right on track... but no yolk sac, no fetal pole, and a bleed near the embryo. The next ultrasound showed very little change, the next one there was none. I didn't miscarry until I took the medicine to induce at 8wks. That pregnancy had been perfect until suddenly it wasn't. My betas tripled, my progesterone was like 60, things were great... until they weren't.

We got an invitation email today for a nephew's birthday party, which we had to decline again. The first time we declined was for his 1st birthday; we canceled last minute because as I grabbed his present to leave the house, I fell over in severe pain. We ended up in the emergency room having our first miscarriage. We never told them why we canceled. This time we declined again, and very openly I told her it's because we're trying to save a pregnancy.

I miss those babies, all of them.
How I worry about the little embryo I now carry within me.

I often joke with A-, in our dark humor from years of loss, about how the only thing my body does efficiently is to kill babies. I wish it wasn't true, but it has been so far the only thing it can do consistently. I hate that. I hate my womb of doom. I wish I could love my body, every part of it. But I can't, that'll always be the place where I lost all my hopes and dreams. The burial ground for my heart.

There's a lot of emotions wrapped in these two weeks: (hopefully) getting as far in this pregnancy as I did with the second one, another beta draw that day, a (possible) ultrasound on Monday, and then two days later the 3 year anniversary of when I lost the first pregnancy.

The only guarantees on that list, are the loss anniversary and that I will get blood work done no matter what.

Everything else, all we can do is wait to see what happens.

We've been through so many losses, that I can not get excited about this. Hope for the best, yes. But get excited? Expect things to work? Think I'm in the clear? Never.

Color me surprised-

My beta Friday was 359.

Today it was 1,118.

I believe that's a doubling time of 44 hours. My previous doubling times were 73, 69, and 75. So this is MUCH better. 44 hours, that I can most certainly deal with.

I know I'm not out of the woods yet by any means, but it's still a relief.

I have another beta on Thursday, and they scheduled me for an ultrasound on Monday May 2nd.

I didn't spot at all yesterday, and am barely today. The spotting lessened the day after I started extra progesterone... coincidence? I don't know... but I doubt it.

So... yeah. I'm still pregnant. How weird is that?

Argghhh!

Okay, FINALLY got the results. So it was 185 on Tuesday, and it was 359 Friday. That's a doubling time of 75 hours (or a 51.5% rise in 3 days, not sure what it would have been in 2? Better or worse I mean...)

They wanted me to either schedule an appt with an OB, or said I can come back for another quant beta... which, umm, the beta makes sense but scheduling an OB appointment most certainly does not. For starters, my old crappy clinic always told me I would come in at 7wks for an u/s before having me schedule an OB appt. And secondly, the doubling time this go around was only 75 hours, which SUCKS. I mean, the lower end is at least 72 hours... at the least. Ugh. My clinic did a great job with fertility treatments and recurrent loss testing, but I really feel like they're dropping the ball right now.

I am just really really frustrated right now. Why the hell are the numbers barely going up, not quite acceptable but... so-so. I want a definitive answer already :(

Frustrating day-

Well, the lab I went to messed up and didn't run my beta stat. My clinic closed early, so I had to have their answering service page my doctor because I needed more Lovenox to hold me over until we get some answers. She checked again on their website, but my results weren't entered... a different kind of limbo, but limbo still.

I am seriously hoping the lab has those answers posted for me tomorrow morning... I am about ready to blow a gasket. I should have just had my blood work done at my clinic, but noooo I was trying to save time and gas by going to the lab that was 20 minutes away, instead of driving an hour to my clinic. I've never had issues with this before that I can remember.

Sorry, I'm SUPER frustrated.

If I get my results Saturday morning, you'll see another post from me.

Uggghhh-

I've almost watched an entire 170 episode series of anime this week.

My couch is boring.

Cats make nice heating pads.

My house is steadily getting filthier due to male pattern blindness*.

I think I've eaten more take out this week than I should... my husband apparently can't cook... hmmmm.

This happens every time I'm on bed ridden... seriously though, he takes great care of me. He's amazing like that.

There hasn't been any major bleeding for a couple days. I'm still spotting 24/7 though, and cramping quite a bit in the evening. But the cramps haven't been as bad as the other night, so that's an improvement. They're definitely much worse if I overdo it a little bit. I still spot red/pink in the evenings, but it's not like the excessive bleeding I was having.

I called my clinic and argued with the nurse about how I didn't think my progesterone was high enough, even with 3 suppositories. I lost the fight, and hung up in tears. My RE claims it's a really high dose and should be fine... but c'mon. I'm taking 200mg 3x a day, and my progesterone on it's own was ONLY 6.6. So.,.. I decided to self medicate today and upped my dose to 4 pills a day. I know, I know... I'm a horrible patient. But you know what? They don't want to retest my numbers, and they keep claiming it should be high enough... apparently they're psychic! I have tried explaining many times that while I understand that this is likely another miscarriage, I still want to give it every possible chance I can. They think we already are... I'm just not convinced on the progesterone though. Is there really that much harm in taking a little tiny bit more? Or you know... retesting my damn numbers?

I really don't see this ending well, but like I said... I'm giving it every available opportunity. I am not going to have any regrets. Although, this experience has made it quite clear to me that my body just doesn't want to be pregnant. I don't think there was anything wrong with that embry0, 72 was a great number for 13dpo. My progesterone shouldn't have dropped that much at that point if the embryo was doing well, which I believe it was. So this has me wondering, and mulling things over.

I don't have a repeat HCG draw until Friday. Why Friday instead of Thursday (which would be 2 days since the last one)... I really don't know. I was going to ask about it, but after my argument with the nurse and me crying... I didn't feel like calling them again. I already got all hysterical on them once... one more day isn't a huge deal I guess.

My Lovenox injections suck. The medicine doesn't burn that much (Bravelle was WAY worse) but I think the needle sucks. It seems duller than my FSH subcutaneous injections, like it doesn't want to piece my skin. And maybe the needle is bigger, because it hurts more going in and out. After my first injection left a HUGE bruise I started icing it up after injecting and it seems to have helped stave off the bruising. Which is good, because the bruise hurt big time, I really don't want a bunch of those.

So I am on... a prenatal, 2000mg Metformin, 81mg Aspirin, 2000iu Vit D, 800mcg Folic Acid, .50mg Synthroid, 40mg Lovenox, 800mg Progesterone

And I put myself on bed rest.

So, if nothing else I'm at least going to have peace of mind because I'm literally doing everything I can. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work... I can accept that. However, as long as my Nombie is still fighting, so will I.



*I believe Kristin coined Male Pattern Blindness, but it totally applies ;)

The Dollars and $ense of family building

So, I decided to take a moment from the maelstrom of beta hell to talk about something else.

Most people know how much I hate money. I grew up in poverty, so I've always thought of money as something that's nice to have but... well, sort of evil. It certainly didn't buy happiness.

Then I met infertility. And suddenly, money took on a new context. Suddenly, we needed it like we needed air to breathe. Suddenly, money made all our decisions- what we did on the weekends, what doctors we saw, what testing we had done, if we would ever get to go on a vacation, whether we could switch jobs... everything was navigated by money.

I still hate money.

We live in a state that has "mandated coverage," but that coverage is limited to diagnostics. Some insurance companies, like mine, get around that though. While our insurance covers diagnostic testing for infertility, they have a clause that says they only cover it until ONE cause is found. One. So after they labeled me PCOS, we were thrown to the wolves to fend for ourselves. No testing for other basic causes, no HSG, no laproscopy, no semen analysis... nothing else at all. We got things covered over the years, but not because of infertility. Our HSG fell under recurrent miscarriage testing, my laproscopy and hysteroscopy were the result of my abnormally painful menstrual periods... almost everything else came straight out of our pockets. Our insurance didn't even cover my initial blood work testing for the PCOS diagnosis, because instead of labeling it as "diagnostic" for infertility, my OB at the time only labeled it as "infertility."

C'est le vie.

Finances rules our life more than I would like. We've spent every spare dime we've had these last 3 years of treatments (thank goodness that first year trying was free of expense)... we hardly have anything in our savings account now. Just enough to get by for a month in case my husband loses his job. We can't move from this house we hate, we can't buy a car to replace our rust bucket, we can't afford more treatments, we can't pursue adoption... we were taken over by the financial burden of trying to conceive. We've been together for 8 years, and we've still never went on a honest to goodness vacation. Just a weekend getaway for our honeymoon, and after our last two miscarriages.

Our decision to stop treatments came about for many reasons: after 4 years and so many miscarriages we don't have much left to give, and we can't afford to keep trying when it either ends in a negative test of another miscarriage, and well... emotionally and financially it's draining. Our life has been on complete standstill on so many levels because of treatments. Financially we've been trapped in our house, car, jobs, and lifestyle. Emotionally, we just don't have anything left to give, sometimes I feel like an old hallowed shell. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm bitter, I'm sad, and I'm so tired. Life hasn't beaten me down, but the desire for children has.

One cycle of injectable medication for me would cost anywhere from $1,800 to $2,600. And I've already had 3 miscarriages, and whatever this current pregnancy ends up being. The cost is such a gamble when we don't know if we'll conceive, and furthermore if it's even possible for me to carry to term. I can't justify the cost anymore. And if I get pregnant? All the medication I'd have to be one will cost another couple thousand dollars. If it worked, great... but if it didn't... well, crap.

So assuming this pregnancy doesn't work either, because let's face it things aren't going well and I've already have 3 miscarriages, so if it doesn't work... we'll take a year, save money, evaluate our options, and take time to mourn and heal.

So that's what we've been through, and where we are. I'm going to answer some of Lori's questions now:

How did/would you handle it if your child asks you, “Mom, how much did I cost?” How would you answer at age 7? At age 18?

Honestly, I really don't know. I haven't actually imagined actually getting a child out of this in... well, a long time.

When the child was younger, I might say "All the love in my heart," or something alluding to the fact that the cost was irrelevant now... that they're priceless. Because truthfully, if I had a child while the cost might have had quite an impact on us I think the pain would lessen if things actually worked.

It's the throwing money away on unsuccessful treatments that hurts me so much. Wasting $500 here or there, $2,000 there, on a cycle that yields either a negative test of a miscarriage is like insult to injury. I'm out the money, and out the dream. It's painful to know that I could have just went out and burned that $500 in the street and it would have amounted to the same thing.

An older child, I'd have to evaluate which truth they want. If they were honestly curious as an adult, I might talk to them about the expenses and make sure they realize how much I'd gladly do it again if they were my light at the end of the tunnel.

To what extent have finances determined the family-building decisions you have made? How have you able to balance financial considerations against other factors such as medical, ethical, emotional…?

Finances have been a huge deciding factor, and I hate that. It's hard to weigh your medical options, when your options dwindle because you start scratching options off the list because you know you can't afford it... or even if you could, that you'd never feel emotionally okay with taking that option and having it yield no results. And really, that's how I end up weighing options these days... how much am I going to regret this financially and emotionally if it doesn't work, or it makes me have another miscarriage? Because in all honestly, those options are always more likely than a viable pregnancy... 4 years has shown me that. So I think in those terms now, and it seems to work the best for me.

Has institutional and governmental support for certain family-building paths impacted your choices? For example, ART being covered by insurance, tax deductions for adoption expenses, etc.

As I mentioned, our health insurance covers practically nothing. Our employers have no adoption benefits for employees. So in that sense, it has affected us. We don't have those options, so we make choices that probably aren't the best. We do what we can in the moment, what we are comfortable with spending given the low odds of success. If we had insurance coverage for injectables or IVF, we might have tried those sooner. If we had adoption benefits, we might have moved on to that a long time ago too.

As it is, the lack of benefits for us has left us in a giant financial trap. It limited our options, and left us with no current alternatives.

Visit Write Mind Open Heart for more perspectives on the Dollars and $ense of Family Building and to add your own link to the blog hop by May 1, should you want to contribute your thoughts.

Still stuck in beta hell-

So I'm still stuck in beta hell. My hcg was 185 today.

I have to have more blood drawn on Friday.

So here's the run down:
13dpo= 72
15dpo= 114 (doubling time of 73 hours)
17dpo= 185 (doubling time of 69 hours)

And since I'm still cramping/spotting/bleeding off and all... that all equals not looking good.

Ugh.

This year sucks-

So my twelve year old cat passed away in February.

I'm stuck in beta hell, for what I'm assuming will end up being my 4th miscarriage. The cramps were horrible tonight, and the bleeding worse... so whatever. I don't see how anyone can have cramps this severe or this much bleeding and still end up with a viable pregnancy. I feel like I'm fighting the inevitable, but I'm still fighting. The cramps are really intense tonight though, and I just want to curl into a ball and say fuck it all, my body just doesn't want to do this. It HURTS.

Then things got worse when one of our ferrets took seriously ill. We rushed him to the emergency vet today, but there was nothing we could do for him except stop his suffering. My poor Ahote :(

I worry about how our other ferret is going to handle this. He was her buddy, they've been together for 4 years.

I miss him already.

No verdict yet-

Well my HCG should have been around 140, but it was only 114 this morning. So, not very definitive. It's good that it went up, but it didn't go up enough. So at this point, it's still hard to say... especially with the cramping and bleeding. It doesn't look good, but it's not over yet.

I go back Tuesday for a recheck.

Waiting-

- I'm biding my time until the repeat blood test tomorrow. The cramping and bleeding was worse last night, bright red and cramped all evening after my Lovenox injection. It seems to have calmed down so far today, but it's usually not as bad when I first get up anyway.

- I've been laying on my couch watching anime all day (why yes, I am that kind of geek). It lets me escape reality for a little bit, so it's all good. I even get a few good laughs.

- The clinic called me this morning while I was asleep. Apparently my TSH is a bit high again, so they want me back on Synthroid... okay then.

- Some wondered about my clinics stand on progesterone... they don't test for it if you're on supplements already. They assume that's all you need, and are extremely hesitant to test it or up your dose. This may sound harsh compared to other clinics, but my last clinic (the prominent one in our state capitol) won't even prescribe progesterone supplements to prevent miscarriage. When I had my second miscarriage my old RE handed me a paper saying why they don't test for hardly anything, and the article refuted progesterone use as being... well, useless. He refused to give me progesterone support after my 8 day LP on the failed injectable cycle... it's one of the reasons I left that clinic. So while my current clinic isn't as up on progesterone use as other clinics, they at least prescribe it.

- I feel like a junkie. I'm up to around 10 pills a day. Plus an injection. Yay me.

- The Lovenox left a painful bruise on me. Bah. I'm going to try icing it afterward too, instead of just beforehand.

- I called off work tomorrow night, even if I thought I could handle it physically... I don't think I'd do so well emotionally.

- The spotting wasn't as bad this morning, but as I said it usually isn't first thing in the morning. The last few days, it's been a cycle. As the day wears on the bleeding and cramps increase, then when I wake up there isn't any cramping and the spotting has decreased. Then the cycle repeats as the day wears on. We'll see if it does again tonight. I can already feel some mild cramping... so I guess I'll just wait and see if it gets worse tonight.

- I'm not counting on a miracle, but I'm not going out without a fight Even though I realize that this is likely a losing battle, I'm still giving it everything I've got.

Temporarily pregnant-

So the line got darker last night, despite the fact that the bleeding picked up quite a bit.



Okay, first of all... let me say how glad I am that I'm so stubborn and demanding.

I called and demanded to have my progesterone ran with my HCG and TSH.

My progesterone came back at a measly 6.6... which is terrible. It should be at least 15. So my doctor FINALLY consented to letting me up my progesterone supplements. I'm now supposed to take 3 a day, instead of 1 a day. However, I wonder if it's too late for that?

My HCG came back at 72 for 13dpo. My last miscarriage it was only 30 at 13dpo. So I suppose that means it's off to a better start, at least in one way. My second pregnancy my HCG was 37 at 12dpo. So it's right up there with that one. So 72 seems like a pretty good number.

TSH probably won't be back until Sunday or Monday. I go back Sunday morning for a repeat lab draw.

In the meantime, I'm supposed to start Lovenox. I asked them to just order a weeks worth for now, because: it's ridiculously expensive, my insurance doesn't cover it, and I don't have faith in my body making it very far into a pregnancy. My track record for furthest I've ever made it in a pregnancy before things went wrong... almost 6 weeks. I didn't miscarry that one until 8 weeks, but it stopped growing at 6 weeks. So, we'll try for a week first and see how that goes.

I'm still bleeding quite a bit, and I've been cramping some. I'm staying realistic about this. Would it be amazing if things got under control and this worked? Of course! I would be so happy, I would be dancing (but only in my heart, because I'm trying to stay resting so I don't make things worse by moving around too much)... But after everything I've been through, I have no faith in things working. I also can't remain calm about things, or divert my mind. I've been through a lot, I'm SCARED. I don't want to go from 3 miscarriages to 4! I don't want to lose another one. I don't want to go through this again! Not only that, but this brings back a lot of pain and memories from the other pregnancies. I can't turn my brain off, nor can I shutter my heart. So I'm dealing, but I'm also crying and scared as hell. I'm trying not to think about it, but that's an impossible task.

One day at a time.

Crap take two-

The previously brown spotting is now red. Yeah, I don't see this ending well.

Crap-

I tested when I got home from work... and got a faint positive. It shouldn't still be the trigger... so looks like I'm temporarily pregnant again. My response? "Oh... shit."

Still spotting.

I could really use all the positive thoughts, prayers, chants, etc... that you can spare.

I'm scared.

Well, that was fun-

So as I was getting ready to go to work a little bit ago, I got a nasty surprise... I started spotting... at 10dpo.


I have a strong feeling that I'm going to be spending the weekend sipping on strawberry daiquris, playing a brand new video game, and crying my eyes out.


I know, it's early. It could be implantation bleeding, I'm not saying it isn't. But I've been TTC for 4 years, I've been pregnant 3 times... in my experience spotting this early has never, ever, ended well. My first cycles of injects I started spotting 8 days past my trigger, and got a full blown bleed the next day. The last time I spotted on 10dpo, I had miscarriage number 3 (failure to implant). I spotted from 10dpo until I stopped my progesterone supplements. I've been here before. I'm not optimistic. It's an awful lot of spotting to be implantation bleeding anyway.


So while I had planned to test on Friday (13dpo) I'm going to test tomorrow instead, just to see. Then I'll retest on Friday too... and then we'll close this chapter of our lives for a long time.


I'll still post here, even if when this cycle fails. But I'll probably focus more on dealing with infertility, my losses, and what life is like without treatments. I may still try off and on, but trying naturally for me is a complete joke since I don't ovulate. But you never know, if I take BCPs here and there, and keep taking my Metformin, maybe some miracle will happen and my ovaries will work. Hey, anything is possible... well, almost anything.


I'll also keep updating about my fitness journey... my motto: If I can't have a baby this Holiday season, then I'm at least going to look good and be healthy.


We'll be saving money too while we decide what we're doing, and we're still considering our options. I just feel so defeated. I'm bracing myself for bad news. I'll update after I test.

Working through it-

I hate it when you set yourself to do one little home project, and suddenly it's blown way out of proportion. I just wanted to put a new bookshelf in my art room because I had too many books shoved in the corners of the house, and my other book shelves were all over burdened and their shelves were bowing. So I put it together, and filled it up (completely) with books. I sorted through piles of papers and binders I had in there, and threw an entire trash bag of junk away. Whew.

Yes. That was good. But then I looked and the walls and thought about how much I didn't like them. And the ceiling fan blades, which still had stickers on them from where the previous renters had made this their daughter's room. Yuck, the little lady bugs and 70s flowers had to go. And suddenly I'm at the hardware store buying primer, paint, and painting supplies (and knobs to replace the stupid ones in my kitchen), and... back home, cleaning, sorting, and moving my book shelves and everything else into the middle of the room.

Ugh. I was wondering all this time where my motivation for spring cleaning went, and apparently it came back with a vengeance.

I think it's just that I need to do something, I need a distraction that gives me a good feeling at the end of it. I read three books in the last two days, but that just wasn't cutting it. I needed manual labor, something that pays off, that when you set your mind to working on it- it actually works. I did the same thing after all my miscarriages. I threw myself into home improvement projects, and it was good. It was what I needed. I painted rooms, I refinished a bench, I did some landscaping in the backyard, I patched holes, installed a ceiling fan, a dimmer switch... whatever I could do that needed done (and trust me, with this house there is always something that needs done.) I was able to keep my hands occupied, my attention focused. After the miscarriages, I couldn't focus on squat: not the TV, not a book, not my homework, nothing. But working with my hands, I had no choice but to focus because if I didn't I could mess up or hurt myself. So I focused, and tuned the entire world out. It was just me and the task at hand.

I suppose it's a good thing I have plenty of projects lined up. When If this cycle doesn't work, and we're at the end of the road with nowhere to go... at least I have an entire kitchen to redecorate.

6 more days.

Two post in one day :)

Everyone who blogged, tweeted, and Fbed about PETA... thank you! Our voices were heard, and they took the reference to NIAW off the contest!!!

Things-

So, SIL2 finally told us she's pregnant. Through text message.

It's literally been two months since it we found out via FB (*eta: My bad, that's how long since it was originally posted there. We found out last month actually. Still... wow.)

A- totally told her he already knew, and how he'd found out. That gave me a chuckle, I don't think I would have went that far. I would have just said, "Congrats" and left it at that. I guess he was a bit more miffed about it than I was. It was actually an interesting game waiting to see how long it'd take for her to tell us. I was starting to think she wasn't going to bother.

She only texted him originally to give him her new number. He doesn't think she would have told him today otherwise.
_____________

In other news, it's 6dpo today. Half-way through the two week wait. I'm still planning to hold off testing until at least 13dpo. I'm not in a hurry to test, unlike previous cycles. There just doesn't seem as much point. If I do test positive, I'll have to wait until then to get my HCG tested. And then I'd also just be anxious about possibly miscarrying again. If I test negative... well, since we're at the end of the road there isn't much to do but have some strawberry daiquiris, cry till I have no more tears left, throw myself back into weight loss, hunt down a better paying job... and hope that someday we find the right path to parenthood for us.

Small victory, but is it enough?

PETA finally replied to my emails,

"Dear Ms. ------,

Thank you for contacting PETA about your objections to our contest offering a free vasectomy. We are sorry to have offended you, and we have removed the phrase “in honor of” National Infertility Awareness Week from our website. We understand that this was not a wise choice of words.

Our goal was to focus attention on the tragic suffering and death of homeless dogs and cats. Since the best way to prevent animal companions from having unwanted litters is to spay and neuter them, a kind PETA member offered to cover the cost of a vasectomy for one compassionate man who wants to get himself “snipped” just like his furry friend. Having one’s own child may be a compelling urge for some, but nobody should condemn those who choose to avoid causing pregnancy or any organization that provides them with a means to do so. Many who choose to have a vasectomy consider it a moral conundrum for some of us to be spending thousands of dollars trying to reproduce ourselves when there are homeless children, including some with disabilities, who want for homes, and when the environment is being ravaged as human population increases.

PETA works very hard to prevent the births of puppies and kittens who will end up abandoned in animal shelters or struggling to survive on the streets. Breeding, both purposeful and accidental, is responsible for the euthanasia of millions of these loving companions each year. Sterilization is both the easiest and the most effective means available of ensuring animals’ happiness and safety. Male animals who have been neutered are far less likely to roam far from home or fight. Neutering greatly diminishes and possibly eliminates reproductive urges (which are not the same in dogs as they are in humans). In addition, these animals will never get testicular cancer and run less risk of contracting prostate disease. Female animals who have been spayed avoid the trauma of giving birth and will no longer go into heat.

Consider the fate of the millions of unwanted animals whose parents were never spayed and neutered. Born into a hostile world, they are caged among strangers at animal shelters or, worse, abandoned on the sides of roads. They are run over by cars and attacked by other animals. They are infected with painful, contagious, and deadly diseases. Those unlucky enough to run into cruel humans are often drowned, beaten with baseball bats, suffocated in plastic bags, stabbed, shot, starved, set on fire, used as bait, and tortured in countless other ways. And the saddest tragedy of all is that before they meet some gruesome death, they reproduce, and the cycle of animal suffering continues.

A national organization, SPAY/USA, helps guardians of animal companions who need assistance with the cost of spaying and neutering. You can contact SPAY/USA at the following website and toll-free number:

SPAY/USA
http://www.spayusa.org/
1-800-248-SPAY (7729)

To learn more about issues that affect animal companions, please visit http://www.PETA.org/issues/companion-animals/default.aspx. To make a donation in support of PETA’s campaigns to stop the animal overpopulation crisis, please go to http://www.PETA.org/donate.

Thank you again for contacting us and for the opportunity to share our thoughts.

Sincerely,

The PETA Staff"

So, I replied:

Dear Sir or Madam-

I'm not satisfied with this non-apology. First of all, I never condemned a person for choosing not to have children, I completely respect that choice. In turn, I would appreciate people to respect my own family building desire. My ISSUE is with the inappropriate reference to NIAW and the mockery of millions of infertility suffered nationwide.

Not to mention, talking about the moral conundrum about fertility treatments and insinuating that we should be "saving" children... is out of line. I already emailed about the complexities of adoption, which your organization fails to recognize, and this response further enforces that you have chosen ignorance over education.

Taking down "in honor of" is a step, but leaving the reference up is completely crass and belligerent. Specifically mentioning NIAW and pointing out how you're holding this during that week, is inappropriate. I will not be content until this is taken down.

-Mrs. ------

Keiko for a response-

Keiko got a response to her email and the response pisses me off too.

As a matter of fact, a lot of the responses I'm reading about piss me off. Like this one, or this one...

I sent an email to the president of PETA, and didn't get a reply. She's still traveling apparently... Then I sent an email to Carrie S., special projects coordinator, at PETA. Didn't get a reply either. Hmm, go figure. It'd been awhile since I sent it, so I went ahead and resent it. Not giving up that easily.

Here's what you can do! Email them, call them, blog about this, tweet about it, and please sign this lovely petition. If you go to read the responses that Keiko got... make sure to check out all the lovely blogs that have fired off their own post/letters about this inappropriate contest.

Here's Resolve's response to this issue.

At the very least, it'd be nice to have an actual apology from PETA, and for them to take the "in honor of NIAW" off their damn contest. It's completely disrespectful to all of us suffering from infertility.

NIAW and my letter to PETA

Please see this post first, http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2011/04/open-letter-to-peta.html She says it so much better than myself. My letter isn't very articulate, but I'm disgusted at the completely inappropriate nature of this contest. PETA is giving away a vasectomy in honor of NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), which happens at the end of this month. Yeah, you read that right. Keiko has a screen shot on her post you can click on to enlarge it to view, since we refuse to post a link to the site because then they'd get more traffic... and I don't think they deserve that.

Feel free to write your own blog post about this, and send your own email about this to the president of PETA, Ingrid E. Newkirk. Her email address is: ingridn@peta.org

Dear Ms. Newkirk,

I find your contest for winning a vasectomy during NIAW completely inappropriate. I used to support your organization when I was younger, I bought your merchandise, your food products, I was a vegetarian for 6 years. Even after I stopped supporting you officially, I still held good wishes for your organization. This campaign saddens me, and has killed off the last of that good will.

Those of us who suffer from infertility do not choose to do so. I have medical conditions that can not be remedied easily. Your campaign, speaking to how the overpopulation is a problem and pointing out our disease, is distasteful. Have you asked your staff to be fixed? Mam, are you yourself fixed? Do you have children? What about your staff, do any of them have children? Do you advocate that all your supporters never have children? Do you publically call our your staff and supporters who choose to have children, do you tell them that their children are damning us all?

I thought you were about animal rights, what does your organization even know about reproductive rights in humans? Do you realize that those suffering from infertility are faced with ignorant comments on a daily basis, have to fight for equal rights from employers, and fight for basic insurance coverage? We have to fight every day to make our voices heard. Resolve helps give us that voice, and once a year we try to stand together to make ourselves heard- THAT'S what NIAW is about! Because we are tired of suffering in silence.

Why have you chosen to single out those of us who are unable to have children, who have nothing to do with your organization, who never made this choice for ourselves? I's hurtful for the 10% of the population who suffer from this disease. It is hurtful to myself, and my husband, to our families who have watched us suffer for 4 YEARS as we struggled and tried to have children, who have watched us suffer through 3 debilitating miscarriages.

I will be posting about this on my blog, and linking to other blogs who have written about this. I will not be posting a link to the contest itself, because I refuse to give your contest more traffic.

With the deepest sincerity-

Mailed April 5, 2011
Excuse the typos everyone, I was really riled up. I probably should have taken more time to write this out... but I am disgusted.

I got an automatic reply email that said, "not available now, regrets"

Nice.

Whew-

Feeling a lot better today. I'm still a bit sore, but nothing like the past few days!

I'm 3dpo... so, like 11 more days before testing. Not that anyone is keeping count, right? hahaha

It's been really hard to find distractions. I would try cleaning, but with how my abdomen was feeling I couldn't really do that. Maybe in the next couple of days I'll feel up to it. I have a few books I could use to distract me, crochet work, movies, video games... so hopefully it won't be so bad.

Ugh-

Made it through the night thanks to some pain reliever/sleep aides. Still sore today, it hurts if I press on my abdomen or walk around. Or sit, or lay even. But it's nothing at all like last night. Hopefully it'll continue dissipating over the course of the next couple of days.

*I don't know how long sperm live after an IUI, or stay where they need to be, but hoping the timing was okay. The internet had conflicting answers. I had the IUI at 9am, and I started feeling ovulation pains at 8pm. Like 11 hours later then. I think the timing could have been better, but I suppose there's no point in stressing it... so I start progesterone tomorrow tonight, and we wait.*

Now to find some distractions.



*edited later in the day, sorry!

And so-

I believe my ovaries have exploded. It's like two atomic bombs went off in there.

I expected it to be worse than last time, because last injectable cycle there were only 4 follicles (mature or otherwise really). And I hurt then too. This time there were, well, possibly 6 mature ones... not to mention all the smaller ones, which were measurable but not mature.

So yeah, I knew it would hurt... I just wasn't thinking about how much. I can't find a comfortable position laying, sitting, standing.

So it's safe to say I've definitely ovulated. I started getting uncomfortable at 8pm, and by 10pm I was in some pain. Now, I'm miserable.

I'm beginning to wonder what on earth I just got myself into.

IUI, woot-

The IUI went really well. The RE I saw today was quick, and for once I didn't have any spotting or cramping after. Well, so far at least. We had 44million and 95%motility, so that's excellent. Last time we had 22million, and the time before that 8million. When we started doing IUIs there were like 65million, so it's went down from there but it wasn't bad today. I'm certainly not complaining! Woot.

Oh forgot to mention the lining yesterday, it was 11mm. That seems about my norm, and it's perfect. So that's great. My estrogen was sky high, and there were a lot of follicles.

So things look really good. But we know that doesn't always mean anything either.

I believe I'm supposed to start progesterone tomorrow night. And so the wait begins.

If you have any positive thoughts, prayers, chants, vibes you want to give... I could definitely use them. I would love to have a healthy viable pregnancy come out of this, not getting my hopes up but it would be amazing.

Okay then-

So there were a lot of follicles. The doctor asked my age as he was looking at them, I think he was trying to access the risk of multiples based on it. Ha, as if you can base anything on my age. I told him as much. He wasn't my regular doctor, obviously.

So, the biggest one was a 20. There was a also a 17, some 16s, and some he said were almost mature (and therefore might still mature before ovulation). Umm, yeah. I don't remember the exact number. There were a lot, but they let me go ahead given my history. Maybe they shouldn't have done that, but I'm comfortable with the risks knowing my own history. He made sure I was aware of the risk of multiples though.

I am a bit pissed about my clinic. The nurse the other day told me that they wouldn't change how my billing was coded. But they did, and now I have to pay full price for things. No insurance coverage. Well, it was good while it lasted. And my clinic is still cheaper than my old one. Regardless, this is our last cycle anyway no matter the outcome. So I'm not going to stress it.

So IUI tomorrow morning, and then we begin the two week wait.

I'm not hopeful, but I really wish that this would work. It would be a godsend. This month is 4 years since we started trying, it's our last cycle trying (if not forever, at least for a long time), I'd be due Christmas Eve (yeah, I know, I can't help it, I always know the possible EDDs. I'm a masochist.) and it would just be awesome because I don't know what we're going to do next. And I'm just so tired of fighting infertility, I'm tired of fighting to become a parent. Since it would be too good to be true, it probably won't happen... so I won't bother hoping. But I can't stop myself from wishing.