Wednesday, September 3, 2008

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Is this losing hope, or gaining perspective?

I'm on Provera, and losing hope on the Clomid working.

I have given up on staying at home and focusing on school.

I should be 23 weeks pregnant, and I'm not even a little pregnant.

I have an interview tomorrow for a job at the Woman's Domestic Shelter.

I finally caved in, the medical bills are adding up, the treatments aren't working, my husband's job isn't covering everything anymore. It was either stop trying for now, or get a job. So I decided to get a job. I think I kept putting it off on the long hope that maybe I would get pregnant miraculously again, I would ovulate, Clomid would be my wonder drug.

Not so, at least not yet.

So I am trying to get a job, trying to work a little, for the future. Will I get the job? Will they work around my rigid college schedule? (The price of going to a major Universities regional campus is that certain classes are only offered certain quarters and certain times. As a senior I have to take what I can when it comes up, if I want to graduate sooner than later. Otherwise I may miss a course and have to wait another year to take it. I can not afford to do that, as my student loans are getting outrageous.)

I'm feeling like I am being herded in a tight corner, struggling to spring back only to find the lid had been closed when I blinked.

I'm sure it doesn't help that every month I get closer and closer to my EDD.
January third, how I loathe you.
And closer to my birthday, January 30th, how I abhor you.
I should have been turning 24 with a baby in my arms... now I can only hope I will at least ovulate by then.

Stupid ovaries.
Stupid college.
Stupid cost of reproducing.

I have obviously missed the boat on having my "Oops" baby... so where's my "FINALLY" baby?

I'm feeling very sad this week, I think it's the reflection of the failed cycle, the reminder of my pregnancy, and the fact that I'm just angry and disillusioned.

I know that many woman try longer, and I am not downplaying that. I actually wonder every day how they do it. I can't handle that, I know I can't. This past year and a half has been hell on me. I know what my limits are for the most part, and I accept then. I'm just worried that my not responding to the meds that I may come upon my limits faster than I expected. If I don't respond to the Clomid by 150mg I am moving to an RE, and probably injectables of some sort soon after. I don't know if I can do that, but I want to try. I know I will try no further than maybe 2-3 cycles maximum. My limit is coming so fast, I'm worried it will be here before I know it. I'm kinda scared. If those fail to make me ovulate, then that's it. I'm done, on to adoption. Which I am fine with, but it has it's own long haul and strenuous emotions, plus financial issues.
It's a whole other sort of emotional chaos I suppose, and whole other sort of personal invasion. And a whole new set of rules I'd have to learn.

I'm just shocked that so soon I am coming to the end of something, by next year I will either have responded to the Clomid or be moving on to Injects I suppose. It seems so sudden. How quickly have I come here.

We're giving the Clomid 100mg another try since I am on the Metformin now.
If it doesn't work again, we'll up it to 150mg.
That's as high as my ob/gyn is willing to go, so after that it's off to an RE.

Am I losing hope, or gaining perspective?
I chose to think I am hopscotching on the balance beam of life.
I'm either falling off on one side of the beam, or another.
In the end I suppose it really doesn't matter. Either side of the beam is really just a different view of the same thing.

btw: if you're wondering about the trees and smoke... My DH (A) and I took my little brother camping this summer, I was sitting there by the fire and this tree caught my eye. I don't know what is was about it, but I had to take pictures of this tree. Something about the way it twines within itself... I don't know. I liked it.

4 comments:

G said...

How many months in a row now have you been on Clomid? How long now have you been on Metformin?

I might suggest taking a month or two off (I know, none of us like this idea) and letting the Metformin get you regulated. Are your periods normal now?

Not to sound like an expert :) But for me, the clomid couldn't do its work until the Met got me regulated.

And yes, you can do this. None of us wants to, but when your life is lived in two week increments, you don't realize how long it has been. But I have to say, going to an RE will make a world of difference.

Hugs
g

janis said...

((hugs))
I have no advice; only here to hold your grief and shake fists with you.

Shelby said...

I'm sorry things are so rough for you now and you're having to juggle school and work. On the EDD, January 6th was mine and I am thinking about skipping all obligations that day and going into a Margarita and ice cream-induced stupor.

I so hope the meds do their tricks for you!

dark_one said...

My name is Holly Lem and i would like to show you my personal experience with Clomid.

I am 28 years old. I got preg first time on my own & miscarried. after a while of trying, my dr put me on clomid. after the first round i got pregnant & miscarried. i decided not to try or think about it at all probably for a 9 months... right around the time baby would be due & then started trying again. after a few months got back on clomid. after 5 months and no pregnancy i'm giving it a rest again. it's to much disappointment. i'm going to give it a try again soon, in the mean time we're keeping our fingers crossed for the old fashioned way to work.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
HOT FLASHES, moody, cry easily, weight gain, headaches etc!!

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Holly Lem

Clomid Prescription Information