Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Is this losing hope, or gaining perspective?
I'm on Provera, and losing hope on the Clomid working.
I have given up on staying at home and focusing on school.
I should be 23 weeks pregnant, and I'm not even a little pregnant.
I have an interview tomorrow for a job at the Woman's Domestic Shelter.
I finally caved in, the medical bills are adding up, the treatments aren't working, my husband's job isn't covering everything anymore. It was either stop trying for now, or get a job. So I decided to get a job. I think I kept putting it off on the long hope that maybe I would get pregnant miraculously again, I would ovulate, Clomid would be my wonder drug.
Not so, at least not yet.
So I am trying to get a job, trying to work a little, for the future. Will I get the job? Will they work around my rigid college schedule? (The price of going to a major Universities regional campus is that certain classes are only offered certain quarters and certain times. As a senior I have to take what I can when it comes up, if I want to graduate sooner than later. Otherwise I may miss a course and have to wait another year to take it. I can not afford to do that, as my student loans are getting outrageous.)
I'm feeling like I am being herded in a tight corner, struggling to spring back only to find the lid had been closed when I blinked.
I'm sure it doesn't help that every month I get closer and closer to my EDD.
January third, how I loathe you.
And closer to my birthday, January 30th, how I abhor you.
I should have been turning 24 with a baby in my arms... now I can only hope I will at least ovulate by then.
Stupid cost of reproducing.
I have obviously missed the boat on having my "Oops" baby... so where's my "FINALLY" baby?
I'm feeling very sad this week, I think it's the reflection of the failed cycle, the reminder of my pregnancy, and the fact that I'm just angry and disillusioned.
I know that many woman try longer, and I am not downplaying that. I actually wonder every day how they do it. I can't handle that, I know I can't. This past year and a half has been hell on me. I know what my limits are for the most part, and I accept then. I'm just worried that my not responding to the meds that I may come upon my limits faster than I expected. If I don't respond to the Clomid by 150mg I am moving to an RE, and probably injectables of some sort soon after. I don't know if I can do that, but I want to try. I know I will try no further than maybe 2-3 cycles maximum. My limit is coming so fast, I'm worried it will be here before I know it. I'm kinda scared. If those fail to make me ovulate, then that's it. I'm done, on to adoption. Which I am fine with, but it has it's own long haul and strenuous emotions, plus financial issues.
It's a whole other sort of emotional chaos I suppose, and whole other sort of personal invasion. And a whole new set of rules I'd have to learn.
I'm just shocked that so soon I am coming to the end of something, by next year I will either have responded to the Clomid or be moving on to Injects I suppose. It seems so sudden. How quickly have I come here.
We're giving the Clomid 100mg another try since I am on the Metformin now.
If it doesn't work again, we'll up it to 150mg.
That's as high as my ob/gyn is willing to go, so after that it's off to an RE.
Am I losing hope, or gaining perspective?
I chose to think I am hopscotching on the balance beam of life.
I'm either falling off on one side of the beam, or another.
In the end I suppose it really doesn't matter. Either side of the beam is really just a different view of the same thing.
btw: if you're wondering about the trees and smoke... My DH (A) and I took my little brother camping this summer, I was sitting there by the fire and this tree caught my eye. I don't know what is was about it, but I had to take pictures of this tree. Something about the way it twines within itself... I don't know. I liked it.