I'm feeling especially bloggy today.
I've been thinking a lot about my Sebastian lately. I wonder if it's because of the seasons changing, if it's because the months have been flying me by.
I had a fortune cookie today, it told me "An interesting medical opportunity is in your new future."
I wonder what that means. And I find it odd that it says your new future. What a weird wording, don't you think?
When I lost Sebastian I immersed myself in physical labor. I worked on the trim, the floor boards, sanding, painting, anything I could. I listened to lots of music at this time, but one song stood out to me. It was a song by the Dixie Chicks. "Let him fly." I don't know why, but it has become a special song to me, it is his song. It is now forever linked with my baby, and I listen to it from time to time, and I reflect. I listened to it last night, and looked over what I have left of my pregnancy. Photos of the fateful digital pregnancy test, my notes, memories of happiness, memories of sadness.
I would be 24 weeks pregnant this Sunday, on my husband's 23 birthday.
And I'm not. I'm empty, and lonely.
Here's the lyrics from that song, in memory of my baby.
"Aint no talkin to this man
Aint no pretty other side
Aint no way to understand the stupid words of pride
It would take an acrobat and I already tried all that
Im gonna let him fly -mmm
Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
You know the light has left his face
But you cant recall just where or why
So there was really nothing to it
I just went and cut right through it
I said Im gonna let him fly
Oh yeah
Theres no mercy in a live wire
No rest at all in freedom
Choices we are givin
Its no choice at all
The proof is in the fire
You touch before it moves away - yeah
But you must always know
How long to stay and when to go
And there aint no talkin to this man
Hes been trying to tell me so
It took a while to understand
The beauty of just letting go
Cause it would take an acrobat n
I already tried all that
Im gonna let him fly - fly whoa
Im gonna let him fly - fly
Im gonna let him fly - fly"
3 comments:
So sorry for your loss.
The fortune cookie sounds promising.
((hugs))
that song got me.
I worked like hell on m house after both of my losses. After the first I built a brick patio. After the second I skim-coated and painted our front room. Something about that labor that helps to make you forget a little, to give a little reprieve from the pain.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. Sorry you are having a rough go at it. Ticking through the "could have been" months is the worst. You find your way through it somehow. We all do.
Meredith
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