Wednesday, September 17, 2008

By Moonlight


I shed a few tears every night. Not full blown crying, I've been fighting it since that first month. I shed a tear or two, then I'm okay. But...

Last night I opened the flood gate.

And my husband walked in on me.

He didn't know about my nightly sadness. I always wait until I'm alone in the office/art room. I sit at my laptop, typing nothing, feeling incomplete, and I let go. But only a little bit. Not too many tears, one for my lost one. One for my lost fertility.

Last night I snapped, after he walked in on me shedding those two tears. I let go. I held him, and I cried. I released. I told him how sad I was. I told him how hopeless I felt. And he held me. It was nice. We don't have many moments like that.

We made a decision. RE it is. We're going to do this. I have an appointment for Tuesday afternoon.

We also made another decision. If we aren't pregnant by this time next year we are going to see about starting the adoption process. And that's that. We can still "try" after that, but we aren't going to do any more fertility treatments after that point.

Which really... I honestly love the idea of adopting. It feels right. Part of me wants to just move forward with that now, and say fuck it to the idea of doing more treatments. But I really want to have one of my own, to carry my own child. So, we're going to give it a fighting chance. We'll do a couple more rounds of fertility treatments.

But I am starting to think that it really won't be the end of the world if it doesn't work. Adoption is not just an option, it's a happy thought to me at this point. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like it might be the better path. Ah, it's so hard to explain. I've just been feeling this way about it lately, I've even been poking around adoption forums. I just.... I really like the idea of adopting.

Ah, there you have it. I have revealed to you my inner thoughts, and current situation.

and we might get to start looking at houses soon. Hopefully this is a sign of good things to come.


janis said...

It is good to be able to let go... ... good to have a course of plan you feel good about. BEST wishes and thinking of you mightily.

G$ said...

Glad you two could reconnect and make the decision. Hopefully the RE has some good solutions.


Penny said...

could you do both at the same time? Or would that be too much, adoption and fertility treatments? It is SO nice when you see a light at the end of the infertility tunnel, some other path forward. Adoption wasn't at the end of my tunnel but my decision certainly made me awfully giddy as well.