Monday, September 29, 2008

Oh, the emotional havoc

I'm very touchy right now, for some reason. I keep crying so easily, but I keep fighting the tears because I'm sure my husband will think I'm crazy. Yeah, the stuff makes me sad... but even stuff not so sad is making me all weepy right now. I don't get it.

I'm still sick. I have such a crappy immune system. My husbands day cold has become my week cold. I hope it goes away soon so I can get an accurate reading from my basal body temperature. I just want to know if I've ovulated. I have tentative crosshairs for 5 days ago. See, my temperature went up slightly before I got sick. The day I came down with the cold is was up, the next two days I had a fever. I didn't have a fever last night or today, but my temperature was still up like the day I came down with this cold. So, I could be 5 days past ovulation, or maybe not. It could be this damn cold raising my temperature, fever or not. Of course, the cycle after my miscarriage I got a cold. I had a fever for three days, and only the days with fever were spiked. All other illness days were accurate. So... who knows. I wish I did. Hopefully I can confirm or deny it in a few days. If I did ovulate, I doubt I got pregnant. Our timing was off by a few days. But still... ovulating would be something.

In other news, my dear little brother is turning 13 tomorrow. Where did the time go? I was both my parents youngest child for 10 years, then one day I had a baby brother. I was so excited, I wanted one so badly. How I loved him, and over the years I've only grown to love that little punk more... (Damn, I'm crying again.) When my brother was born, I became the middle child to my father. I remain my mother's baby. When my brother turned 10, he became a big brother for the first time in his life too. I hope one day he is to his little sister all that I have been to him. I hope he learns something from my example.

What's so bittersweet about him growing up... is that he's a teenager now. In a few years, I can't help but wonder, is he going to stop wanting to spend the weekends at his big sister's house? Is he going to stop calling, visiting, being a part of my life... I hope not. You know, I was never this close to any of my other siblings. My sister is 10 years older than me, and lives on the other side of the US. I see her maybe once a year, if I'm lucky. She calls every now and then, but we don't really talk that much. My oldest brother, he lives an hour away, but we never visit each other. We never call. I see him twice a year. My other brother, well, we stopped talking after my miscarriage. I've never had this before. I wasn't even this close to my parents.

It's going to hurt like hell losing him.

I'm trying to make the best of now... that's all I can really do, right?
He's got to grow up someday.


janis said...

BIG ((hugs))

Shelby said...

It bites that you're having a rough time. :( Mucho **hugs**

Kristin said...

{{{{Hugs}}}}...sorry you are feeling so crappy and having a rough time emotionally.

MrsSpock said...

I think I cried every single day for months on end during my IF hell. It bites. *hugs*