Where's my blood?

The last two times I had blood work done have been disasters.

This last time, tonight, the tech couldn't get hardly any blood out. He sure bruised my arm though. The time before that, the lady stuck me three times, and got her supervisor to help her. They finally got some blood, but it was slow going. I swear, sometimes I wonder if they are really lab techs, or crazy inexperienced people posing as lab techs.

I got a progesterone draw done today, because I honestly can't tell if I have ovulated or not. My temps are higher than normal, but I am sick... so I don't trust them. I also got a liver function test done, you know, since I am on the Metformin. To be safe. Don't want no Lactic Acidosis, or whatever it's called.

If I did ovulate, which I doubt, I would be 6DPO right now.

I wonder if I did.

If I did, it would be my second time ovulating in the last, oh, it's been over 18 months. Oh yeah, a healthy woman would have ovulated about 18 times by now, compare that to my one and possibly second ovulation.

Hmmm. Of course though, some woman can have those 18 perfect cycles and not get pregnant, I had that one lucky ovulation back then, one in 18 months, and got pregnant from it. I know, I was lucky. I must have been to lucky, because it was to good to be true. I lost that baby.

Maybe, if I ovulate, I'll be lucky enough to get pregnant again. And the next one will stay with me... I know, it's a haughty order, I may be asking to much, but how I dream of it. How I long for it. I get so tired of fighting. This nightmare, it seems so never ending.

I need to go get some homework done now. Not that I want to. But, Beowulf (How I loathe you.) is calling, as is good old Geography (How I loathe you too.) Darn them.

Oh, the emotional havoc

I'm very touchy right now, for some reason. I keep crying so easily, but I keep fighting the tears because I'm sure my husband will think I'm crazy. Yeah, the stuff makes me sad... but even stuff not so sad is making me all weepy right now. I don't get it.

I'm still sick. I have such a crappy immune system. My husbands day cold has become my week cold. I hope it goes away soon so I can get an accurate reading from my basal body temperature. I just want to know if I've ovulated. I have tentative crosshairs for 5 days ago. See, my temperature went up slightly before I got sick. The day I came down with the cold is was up, the next two days I had a fever. I didn't have a fever last night or today, but my temperature was still up like the day I came down with this cold. So, I could be 5 days past ovulation, or maybe not. It could be this damn cold raising my temperature, fever or not. Of course, the cycle after my miscarriage I got a cold. I had a fever for three days, and only the days with fever were spiked. All other illness days were accurate. So... who knows. I wish I did. Hopefully I can confirm or deny it in a few days. If I did ovulate, I doubt I got pregnant. Our timing was off by a few days. But still... ovulating would be something.

In other news, my dear little brother is turning 13 tomorrow. Where did the time go? I was both my parents youngest child for 10 years, then one day I had a baby brother. I was so excited, I wanted one so badly. How I loved him, and over the years I've only grown to love that little punk more... (Damn, I'm crying again.) When my brother was born, I became the middle child to my father. I remain my mother's baby. When my brother turned 10, he became a big brother for the first time in his life too. I hope one day he is to his little sister all that I have been to him. I hope he learns something from my example.

What's so bittersweet about him growing up... is that he's a teenager now. In a few years, I can't help but wonder, is he going to stop wanting to spend the weekends at his big sister's house? Is he going to stop calling, visiting, being a part of my life... I hope not. You know, I was never this close to any of my other siblings. My sister is 10 years older than me, and lives on the other side of the US. I see her maybe once a year, if I'm lucky. She calls every now and then, but we don't really talk that much. My oldest brother, he lives an hour away, but we never visit each other. We never call. I see him twice a year. My other brother, well, we stopped talking after my miscarriage. I've never had this before. I wasn't even this close to my parents.

It's going to hurt like hell losing him.

I'm trying to make the best of now... that's all I can really do, right?
He's got to grow up someday.

Explanation

I was saying that my Ovaries have been put On Notice. They're on my shit list. They've been warned.

If they don't do anything by Monday I am kicking their butts and starting a new cycle.

(I kept saying they were on notice, and A. told me I could make a Colbert sign saying that. Someone made a program that allows you to put whatever you want in there instead of what Colbert really had. You can find it online. So, I did. I thought it was funny. I have a weird sense of humor though, sooo...)

And just so everyone knows, I am coming down with a cold. So if my posts seem crazy in the next few days... I'm blaming the cold medicine. I encourage you to talk me down if I start raving like a lunatic. :)

For now I will focus on my sole enjoyment this quarter of college, my 17th century British drama course (We're focusing on comedies! Yay!) I'm going to go plot my upcoming project (I have to show a comedic clip, and then explain why it's funny according to the "rules" of comedies. Isn't college wonderful?) So I am off to watch some Monty Python... in the name of knowledge.
Toodles.

On Notice

Response

In response to the comments from Shelby and G.

Nope, I tried to get him to do an ultrasound and he said no. He said he would next cycle, but to wait this one out. I was quite peeved. Especially with the ovarian discomfort (Him and my old doctor take this as a positive sign, while I wonder if I may have a cyst. Guess we'll never know.) He didn't mention doing blood work again, he is apparently satisfied with my blood work I had done with my ob/gyn. He does want me to get a liver function test though, because I'm on the Metformin.

I can't go to another RE, unless I see another one in the same clinic. I doubt their opinions vary much though, they're all in business together after all.

I'm still peeved. It really doesn't help that I feel achy, my lower left side is hurting... worse than two days ago. I also think my bowels are messed up right now, so they're making my lower abdomen hurt even more. I'm pissy about something involving school, oh and I start school again today. I'm a real sour puss today. Real bitchy. Can you tell?

I wish I could go back to bed.

Soooooooooo

I had my appointment.

I must say, I'm a little disappointed.

I'm waiting this cycle out, no monitoring. I was hoping for at least an ultrasound to see where we are at right now... but no.

Here's the plan.
If I respond, awesome. Keep the protocol the same.

If I don't? I'm supposed to call them, and next cycle will be different. We will do 150mg, ultrasound monitoring, and a trigger shot. So, I guess at least I can have hope for next cycle.

I still have no faith in this one. Oh, it's CD15 btw. So, in 6 days (CD21) I was told it's okay to call in and call it quits for this cycle if I haven't had a temp rise by then. So, even if I'm not getting monitored this cycle, at least I can quit it sooner if it's a failure, and I can move on.

So I guess that's the bright side of things.

Man, I still feel cheated though. $250 for a half hours conversation that basically consisted of, "Uh huh, Hmmm. I think we should keep at this, I have a good feeling about this cycle." (That being said without monitoring or blood work... we don't even know what's happening with me this cycle... are you kidding me?)

And then, "If it doesn't work, we can do this and this..." "And then, once we get you ovulating we can do these tests if you don't get pregnant..."

Oh, and get this, "You're the most fertile person I've seen in here today." (Really? Because I thought that by not ovulating I was pretty bad off, but apparently I am mistaken. Oh, apparently it's because I have the junk, I have the eggs, and I just don't have the right processing chip. Therefore, he's optimistic. He's very optimistic about the Clomid... again, are you serious? Cause, this is my third Clomid cycle... and I haven't Ov'ed yet...)

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

This is the only fertility clinic in the area, and it's an hour away. (Also, this goes without saying, these REs are the closest REs too.) The next closest one is 2 hours away.... So, I guess I'm going to trust the guy. He seems kinda crazy though.

I don't know. Maye it's just that I am pissy today, I was having a bad day to begin with...

What do you think?

Owwie

The lower left side of my abdomen (around the ovary) is hurting more today. It's like a cruel joke. Why is it I get ovary pains each cycle, and yet I do not ovulate? Not fair. Maybe I do have a cyst. I'll mention this ovarian discomfort to the RE today at my consult. So frustrating.

Get on with it

The infamous RE appointment is less than 24 hours away.

I'm nervous. I'm doubtful. I'm angry. I'm antsy.

Will he be able to help me? Will he turn me away?
Should I cancel my appointment if I (ha ha, yeah right) ovulate beforehand?

I don't know.
I'm so sick of not knowing what the future holds for me.
I know, I should get used to it.
Life is full of questions, not answers.

In other news, I think my left ovary is hurting again. Or something around there is. It seems awful early this time, it took weeks before it hurt last cycle. Hmmm. And no, it hurting means nothing. It hasn't the last few cycles (Unless I have a cyst that I don't know about, can we get another "Hmmmm?") The last two cycles I had some mild ovarian discomfort, awareness of their locale, but nothing ever came of it. Just a week's worth of discomfort.

Biting my tongue

I was just on a forum, and instead of replying to the woman's message there I chose to post my thoughts here.

She was talking about how unfair it is that woman who abandon their babies at hospitals, who throw them in the trash, etc. get to have babies and we trying to concieve sometimes can't. They were ranting a bit about how it upset them. Sure, sure. The green eyed beast comes out of us all from time to time... but it doesn't in me in these cases.

I do not condone what many of these woman do, but I understand that sometimes they can feel like there is no choice.

My case and point. My cousin's aunt, a super nice woman. I never knew she got pregnant at 15 and put her baby in the trash. Appalling, I know. But let me tell you why she did it before you condemn her. She was 15, and it was her father's baby. He'd been raping her since she was 8. She'd told her mother about it, but her mother never believed her. So, at 15 when she became pregnant with her baby who was also her brother, she didn't know what to do. She was home alone, she was scared, she delivered that baby on her own at home. Confused, scared, she put the baby in the trash.

This happened about 30 to 40 years ago. My mother was friends with her then, and never knew what was happening behind closed doors. My mother didn't know she was pregnant, until what happened hit the news. That woman still regrets making that decision to this day.

The child was found the same day, and eventually put up for adoption.

This is the side of some of those stories that the media choses not to cover. Instead some of these raped, abused, confused girls get bad mouthed by the media and the masses. I'm sure some of them deserve it, but there is an equal amount if not more who don't.

As I said, I don't condone it, but I understand why it can happen. I know, they have other options now, like now many places allow them to leave the baby at a hospital no questions asked. They didn't have that back then. She tried telling someone what was happening, but the one person who should have listened didn't. She felt like she had no options at all. What would you have done? Her parents, one called her a liar, the other was raping her... even if she told someone I'm sure her mother would have backed her father.

These types of things still happen today. Yes, and now they have more options. And I'm glad they do.

I'm not jealous of these girls for having babies, I don't hate them for abandoning them, I do however wonder what's going on in their lives for this to happen to them. It's a horrible tragedy all around, for the mother and the baby sometimes.

I don't know where or what I'm trying to say here. I guess it's something along the lines of "Don't assume." I've seen many posts like the one I was going to reply to, and it troubles me a bit I guess.

"Life is not black and white, it's varying shades of gray."
That's all I'm saying, I guess.

By Moonlight

I shed a few tears every night. Not full blown crying, I've been fighting it since that first month. I shed a tear or two, then I'm okay. But...

Last night I opened the flood gate.

And my husband walked in on me.

He didn't know about my nightly sadness. I always wait until I'm alone in the office/art room. I sit at my laptop, typing nothing, feeling incomplete, and I let go. But only a little bit. Not too many tears, one for my lost one. One for my lost fertility.

Last night I snapped, after he walked in on me shedding those two tears. I let go. I held him, and I cried. I released. I told him how sad I was. I told him how hopeless I felt. And he held me. It was nice. We don't have many moments like that.

We made a decision. RE it is. We're going to do this. I have an appointment for Tuesday afternoon.

We also made another decision. If we aren't pregnant by this time next year we are going to see about starting the adoption process. And that's that. We can still "try" after that, but we aren't going to do any more fertility treatments after that point.

Which really... I honestly love the idea of adopting. It feels right. Part of me wants to just move forward with that now, and say fuck it to the idea of doing more treatments. But I really want to have one of my own, to carry my own child. So, we're going to give it a fighting chance. We'll do a couple more rounds of fertility treatments.

But I am starting to think that it really won't be the end of the world if it doesn't work. Adoption is not just an option, it's a happy thought to me at this point. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like it might be the better path. Ah, it's so hard to explain. I've just been feeling this way about it lately, I've even been poking around adoption forums. I just.... I really like the idea of adopting.


Ah, there you have it. I have revealed to you my inner thoughts, and current situation.

and we might get to start looking at houses soon. Hopefully this is a sign of good things to come.

Plotting the course

I'm trying to figure out my next step of action. Yeah, I know. I just started this cycle and I am already surrendering to defeat... but I mean, seriously. I didn't respond to 100mg of Clomid last cycle, why would this one be different? Who are we kidding? I mean, yes I am on the Metformin, but I doubt that it's going to make me magically respond to a medicine I haven't responded to so far.

Of course I wonder if maybe I am half responding. I mean, I had achy ovaries for a week last time, and I had a P4 of 1.4 (higher end of the follicular phase levels) maybe I just didn't make enough LH to release the follicles.... Who knows. I'm not getting enough monitoring to find out. Maybe I should ask for an ultrasound this time, and see what's happening. He probably won't do it.

Maybe I should just save my money to see an RE. It might be best to do that. I am seriously debating to not get my P4 done this cycle and just use that money towards seeing an RE.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I call my ob/gyn and talk to them, or should I ditch them and go ahead and move on already? Where's that damn crystal ball when you need it?

Owww

I wish I had a picture of Rock 'em Sock 'em's going at it, I'd so post it right now.

As I have no Rock 'em Sock 'em's laying around, I'll leave it to you to visualize.


I had another long day at work. It is good to take my mind off my problems, but it is a whole other set of crap to worry about. Oh well, it's getting easier. I am actually starting to think I can do this.

Also, I finished the Clomid yesterday. I am taking a laid back approach to this cycle, since I have absolutely no faith in it. This means temping, but no timed intercourse. Oh yeah, I said it. I am saying fuck it. I don't care. It's not like my ovaries are going to wake up anyways. So no "every other day" shit. Not this time. I will when I wanna, that's it.

I just don't care at this point. I am saving money to see an RE.

Yesterday my little brother's mom had her twins.

I saw them today, I held one.

Her beautiful oops babies. Healthy weights, healthy appetites, healthy cries, healthy babies.

It didn't hurt as bad as I thought it might.

Then the inevitable question came, "When are you and A. going to have one?"

Awkward silence.

"We can't have children on our own."

"What do you mean you can't on your own?"

"We need medical help."

"Oh. How long have you known?"

"Since November."

"Oh, you should have told me, hun."

I told her about my fertility treatments, and my loss.

She was always so kind to me as a child, and we've maintained a sort of a relationship since my brother stays the night at my house all the time. But I wondered tonight... why hadn't I told her? I told everyone else... maybe because I found out she was pregnant after my m/c. It was a blow to the gut, and I was worried about my pain so I avoided her. But I should have told her. Really, I should have. Then she would have understood a little bit why I didn't always come to the door, why I was so distant, why I never mentioned her pregnancy even when her belly was so huge she could barely get up.

In other news, I started my training today.

I'm a little intimidated. I'm worried about messing up, this is a "big girl" job after all, it's not like making coffee. I'm trying to save lives now. I have to help them when they want help, help them get out of abusive situations. It's kinda scary.

I hope I don't mess up.

Thoughts

I'm feeling especially bloggy today.

I've been thinking a lot about my Sebastian lately. I wonder if it's because of the seasons changing, if it's because the months have been flying me by.

I had a fortune cookie today, it told me "An interesting medical opportunity is in your new future."

I wonder what that means. And I find it odd that it says your new future. What a weird wording, don't you think?

When I lost Sebastian I immersed myself in physical labor. I worked on the trim, the floor boards, sanding, painting, anything I could. I listened to lots of music at this time, but one song stood out to me. It was a song by the Dixie Chicks. "Let him fly." I don't know why, but it has become a special song to me, it is his song. It is now forever linked with my baby, and I listen to it from time to time, and I reflect. I listened to it last night, and looked over what I have left of my pregnancy. Photos of the fateful digital pregnancy test, my notes, memories of happiness, memories of sadness.

I would be 24 weeks pregnant this Sunday, on my husband's 23 birthday.

And I'm not. I'm empty, and lonely.

Here's the lyrics from that song, in memory of my baby.

"Aint no talkin to this man
Aint no pretty other side
Aint no way to understand the stupid words of pride
It would take an acrobat and I already tried all that
Im gonna let him fly -mmm

Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
You know the light has left his face
But you cant recall just where or why
So there was really nothing to it
I just went and cut right through it
I said Im gonna let him fly
Oh yeah

Theres no mercy in a live wire
No rest at all in freedom
Choices we are givin
Its no choice at all
The proof is in the fire
You touch before it moves away - yeah
But you must always know
How long to stay and when to go

And there aint no talkin to this man
Hes been trying to tell me so
It took a while to understand
The beauty of just letting go
Cause it would take an acrobat n
I already tried all that

Im gonna let him fly - fly whoa
Im gonna let him fly - fly
Im gonna let him fly - fly"

My, oh my

Well, today's day one of my new round of Clomid. I am cycle day 2. I have absolutely no faith in this cycle. So... there you have it. But we shall see...

I also go in tomorrow to fill out paperwork for my new job.

None of these people know about my history, myself, nothing. I wonder how long I can keep it that way. I'm sure eventually I will let it slip out that I can't have kids, because I am very open about that. But then people say stupid things and I get mad.

I remember telling a co-worker about my infertility diagnosis last year. She proceeded to tell me that it isn't so bad. She said I wasn't missing out on anything, that pregnancy is horrible, and that kids are a handful. Seriously, she made a point to go on and on about how lucky I was. This was when I was nice and kept my mouth shut. I'm not so nice anymore, I'm getting pretty jaded, and I am letting bad things spill forth from my mouth at an alarming rate.

In other news, Bleh.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Employed

I finally got a call back about that job. I have been offered a position, and I accepted it. I go in Thursday to fill out paperwork.

And in other news... I am on cycle day 1 today!

Woohoo, thank god for Provera.

I am thinking about taking the Clomid from days 2-6 this time, because I did 3-7 the last two times... and I think a change up would be nice. We'll see. I don't know yet.

I sometimes feel guilty, selfish, for my husband staying with me through this. I feel selfish for ruining his dreams with my infertility. I'm broken, he's not. I felt that way again tonight. "He deserves better than me," I reason in my mind. "He shouldn't have to give up on his dreams too." I haven't felt this way since my diagnosis.

But who's giving up? Not him. When I want to give up, he lends me his strength and optimism. All I give him is a dirty house, my league of animals, my genetically inherited depression, and my medical bills. I really don't see why he stays, but he does. He tells me, "It's okay. We keep trying." And I cry and sob out, "It's never going to work." He replies, "It will, and if it doesn't, we adopt. It's going to be okay."

Sometimes I fantasize about just getting in the car and driving away. Driving far away from all these obligations, these failed dreams, lost hopes, away from myself. I dream about leaving and going somewhere to live a long lonely life where I won't ruin anyone else's life ever again. I will be alone, and whole, and I will cry, but be happy. I fantasize that he will be sad, but then move on. He'll find some fertile woman, have those two darling girls that he had wanted, that we had wanted together. I fantasize that I will be happy for him, from far away, where my sadness can't reach him anymore. And then I snap my eyes up, and awake from the fantasy.

Even when we were both just dating I remember talking to him about what we wanted in the future. A family of our own, that was each of our answers. We both wanted 2 children, hopefully girls, and we wanted to be happy and complete in this. Everything we've ever done has been for that one day family. I went to college, he quit college and got a good paying IT job. We've been working towards owning a home, getting ahead. All of this was for our future children, everything. And then it all came crashing down in November.

My dream, crashing down. And his too.

I know I am not being selfish, this is a partnership after all.
At our wedding the ceremony was a Cherokee Blanket ceremony, and in the ceremony it said we were agreeing to no longer walk this earth as two separate souls, but as one. Bound in the eyes of the Great Spirit.

When we found out I was infertile I begged and pleaded with him for weeks to leave me. He wouldn't. He said he loved me, he needed me. I didn't want to hear that, I didn't want to ruin his future to. It's not fair of me to ask him to stay, and so I don't. I'm glad he stayed, but I still feel guilty. And sometimes I am not so glad he stayed, because I think he's be better off without me. It's very weighty, knowing that someone else other than you might have to give up their dreams because of you. It's not fair, and sometimes I feel like because of it I am carrying around this major burden. It's my job to make both of our dreams come true. It's up to me. It's my fault if we don't, my fault if he regrets it.

It really is a heavy burden sometimes I think. Or maybe it only is because of how I am looking at it. My perspective has often enough been a little skewed.

Is this losing hope, or gaining perspective?

I'm on Provera, and losing hope on the Clomid working.

I have given up on staying at home and focusing on school.

I should be 23 weeks pregnant, and I'm not even a little pregnant.

I have an interview tomorrow for a job at the Woman's Domestic Shelter.

I finally caved in, the medical bills are adding up, the treatments aren't working, my husband's job isn't covering everything anymore. It was either stop trying for now, or get a job. So I decided to get a job. I think I kept putting it off on the long hope that maybe I would get pregnant miraculously again, I would ovulate, Clomid would be my wonder drug.

Not so, at least not yet.

So I am trying to get a job, trying to work a little, for the future. Will I get the job? Will they work around my rigid college schedule? (The price of going to a major Universities regional campus is that certain classes are only offered certain quarters and certain times. As a senior I have to take what I can when it comes up, if I want to graduate sooner than later. Otherwise I may miss a course and have to wait another year to take it. I can not afford to do that, as my student loans are getting outrageous.)

I'm feeling like I am being herded in a tight corner, struggling to spring back only to find the lid had been closed when I blinked.

I'm sure it doesn't help that every month I get closer and closer to my EDD.
January third, how I loathe you.
And closer to my birthday, January 30th, how I abhor you.
I should have been turning 24 with a baby in my arms... now I can only hope I will at least ovulate by then.

Stupid ovaries.
Stupid college.
Stupid cost of reproducing.

I have obviously missed the boat on having my "Oops" baby... so where's my "FINALLY" baby?

I'm feeling very sad this week, I think it's the reflection of the failed cycle, the reminder of my pregnancy, and the fact that I'm just angry and disillusioned.

I know that many woman try longer, and I am not downplaying that. I actually wonder every day how they do it. I can't handle that, I know I can't. This past year and a half has been hell on me. I know what my limits are for the most part, and I accept then. I'm just worried that my not responding to the meds that I may come upon my limits faster than I expected. If I don't respond to the Clomid by 150mg I am moving to an RE, and probably injectables of some sort soon after. I don't know if I can do that, but I want to try. I know I will try no further than maybe 2-3 cycles maximum. My limit is coming so fast, I'm worried it will be here before I know it. I'm kinda scared. If those fail to make me ovulate, then that's it. I'm done, on to adoption. Which I am fine with, but it has it's own long haul and strenuous emotions, plus financial issues.
It's a whole other sort of emotional chaos I suppose, and whole other sort of personal invasion. And a whole new set of rules I'd have to learn.

I'm just shocked that so soon I am coming to the end of something, by next year I will either have responded to the Clomid or be moving on to Injects I suppose. It seems so sudden. How quickly have I come here.

We're giving the Clomid 100mg another try since I am on the Metformin now.
If it doesn't work again, we'll up it to 150mg.
That's as high as my ob/gyn is willing to go, so after that it's off to an RE.

Am I losing hope, or gaining perspective?
I chose to think I am hopscotching on the balance beam of life.
I'm either falling off on one side of the beam, or another.
In the end I suppose it really doesn't matter. Either side of the beam is really just a different view of the same thing.

btw: if you're wondering about the trees and smoke... My DH (A) and I took my little brother camping this summer, I was sitting there by the fire and this tree caught my eye. I don't know what is was about it, but I had to take pictures of this tree. Something about the way it twines within itself... I don't know. I liked it.