Monday, February 23, 2009

update

My beta came back at 6,100 something. By my calculations I should have been closer to 10,000. My beta had been doubling between every 24 hours to 48 hours... this is a doubling time of between 48 and 72 hours... which can be okay, but give the circumstances, I am not hopeful.

I have an appointment at 2:00 tomorrow for an u/s and an exam.

There's still the chance it's okay, but I am not big on optimism given the situation.
Yes, I could have a subchronic hematoma (But I doubt that so early on.)
Yes, it could be a twin that stopped growing and is miscarrying (Who knows.)
Yes, it could just be some clot in the uterus causing bleeding (Odd, but it happens.)
Of course, it could be another miscarriage.

I hate that place between knowing and not knowing. You can be 'pregnant', you can be 'not pregnant." What about that strange place in between, when you don't know if your baby is dead or alive. Even though you think you know, you must still act pregnant. That tall glass of vodka and coke is out, that glass bottle of wine, is out. The cigarettes you gave up months, or years ago, must still stay untouched. You can not escape the pain of losing your baby. You must stay sober. You must stay stressed. You must go on acting like your baby isn't dead.

For all intents and purposes, you are still pregnant until proven wrong. You can't even take any pain medication until you know for sure. And so, often you have to suffer the cramps, the hell of uterine contractions and a dialating cervix, with no alcohol, no pills, no relief in sight. There is not a prize at the end of this either, just your dead baby. There is no relief afterward, just the cold embrace of sleep. When you wake up, the nightmare picks back up where it left off.

12 comments:

G$ said...

Gawd limbo land sucks. I am pretty sure that over 5k betas slow down and don't double every 48.

Waiting with you hun.

Dora said...

That's right. Only the first couple of betas should have a doubling time of 24 to 48 hours. They absolutely slow down after that. That's still a very good number.

I know it's hard to be optimistic. I'd have a glass or bottle of wine for you, but I can't either. I'll be waiting anxiously for your update tomorrow.

Big hug, girl!

Missy said...

Don't lose hope yet. I made my doctor give me an US too. I really kinda suggest NOT doing it. Obviously, you are going to do it, so my advice doesn't really matter. I had the US and saw nothing. Nothing at all. The US tech didn't even believe I was pregnant anymore (though my betas said I was). I had bright red blood and lots of clots for the entire first trimester. I can't tell you what is going to happen, of course. But it is possible to bleed a lot and pass clots (which you aren't experiencing right right) and remain pregnant. It is so early that I just fear an US will only make you feel worse and not better, but I know why you feel like you have to have one. I felt the same way.

Kristin said...

Your times are PERFECT for your hcg level.

* For HCG levels <1200 mIU/ml, the expected doubling time is 48-72 hours.
* For HCG levels 1200 to 6000 mIU/ml, the expected doubling time is 72-96 hours.
* For HCG levels >6000 mIU/ml, the expected doubling time is >96 hours.

I also found this info...

That being said, the American Pregnancy Association cites the following chart as normal ranges of hCG for the number of weeks after the woman’s last menstrual period:

* 3 weeks: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
* 4 weeks: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
* 5 weeks: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
* 6 weeks: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
* 7 - 8 weeks: 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
* 9 - 12 weeks: 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
* 13 - 16 weeks: 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
* 17 - 24 weeks: 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
* 25 - 40 weeks: 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml

Try to stay positive.

'Murgdan' said...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through even more crap...big big hugs. My heart is breaking for you even as I'm hoping for you.

Penny said...

Damn. I wish you the best of luck enduring all of this.

Tara said...

I am sorry. I am holding out hope that your baby is OK.

Cara said...

Praying very positive thoughts for you and your baby. Will be waiting for another update!

((hugs))

Michelle said...

I know it must be so hard right now. I am keeping you in my thoughts and keeping everything crossed for you.I too have heard that betas do slow down so try not to worry too much. I know that is so much easier said then done. Hang in there!

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I know you're not into optimism right now, so I'll be optimistic for you. I think your numbers are just fine. I'm really hoping your u/s goes well.

WiseGuy said...

This sucks royally.

I do not want you to lose hope. No!

I want you to stay calm and composed....I know that nothing can really be done to allevaite the suffering and the uncertainty, so just count and walk on.

Please please please do not give up on hope...

wereyoulookingforme said...

Oh sweetie - I am hoping this turns out to be one of those options you listed. I believe you are getting your u/s right now and I am sending you my thoughts and prayers.

(hugs)