Thursday, February 12, 2009

It continues

Still spotting a bit. Now there's some pink too... ungh.

This is the worst limbo. The place between a possible viable pregnancy, and another miscarriage.

I don't even know what to do with myself.

I get the second beta results tomorrow morning... I also had them throw a P4 on there too, just in case I have low progesterone.

Now the question; should I answer the phone while at work, or let it go to voicemail. While the anxiety of the results will be killing me, a notification of non-viability will kill me. Should I wait until after work to answer, if I end up needing a prescription for progesterone it may be too late to reach my RE's office to get it sent over to my pharmacy. So I probably should answer. But I'm petrified.

I'm 4 weeks (LMP) today. If I'm even still pregnant.
I made it to 4 weeks 6 days last time.

If I don't end up with a baby this time... I don't know if I can keep doing this.
I may keep trying, but then again... it's been almost two years. I have ovulated a total of 3 times, and gotten pregnant twice. I have had one miscarriage... so far. I've done 6 rounds of Clomid. It's taking it's toll on me. I'm worn out... I'm run down... I am at my ropes end.

Everyone has their own limits. I just don't know mine yet. I don't set anything in stone, and the limit changes all the time... but I'm really starting to question that limit now.

If this pregnancy doesn't work... if I lose this baby... what am I going to do?


Gidget said...

I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you this afternoon. I've been there. I did answer the phone at work and was told it was "non-viable" (I hate that word by the way). I ended up sobbing in my office until my boss came in (I sent her an email asking if I could go home early), saw the shape I was in, and sent me home early. Will be thinking about you.

Penny said...

Pink is good. I hope those results are good too.

It is a very difficult decision what to do when one treatment isn't working. Everyone has different limits. I hope you find peace soon.

Celia said...

If you can possibly bear it, let it go to voicemail.

I have gotten negative test results over the phone and it is just so hard to focus afterward.

Besides, God forbid you get hysterical while you are driving home, you could hit another car.

I almost rear ended someone on the Delaware Memorial Bridge because I could not stop sobbing.

Michelle said...

I have always answered while at work because the waiting just drove me nuts. I hope all is well. I am thinking about you.

Unknown said...

I can tell you that my only option was to keep trying. I desperately wanted to give up, but I knew I'd never have a child if I did that. It took me six years to conceive my daughter. Those years were heartbreaking and very long. I also had an early miscarriage during that time. I can't say what is right for you, and I am sorry that you are having to think about this. I hope and pray everything is OK with your pregnancy. You have to do what is right for you and your family. I know some women that have tried longer than I did, and others that stopped long before. No-one is wrong in whatever decision they made. Maybe you can have your RE call the prescription in before you get the results? You don't have to pick it up if you don't need it. That way you don't have to take the call at work. The waiting is horrible, but when it came to finding out the results I found that I could wait.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

What do you do?

Well only you can truly answer that BUT what I can say, is that if you truly want to be a Mum, then you dust yourself off, get up and start again.

There will be a line that you reach that you think, I just can't do this anymore...when that will be who knows, maybe you've reached it, maybe you haven't...I know mines getting very close.

Good luck....hoping your Beta is a freakin awesome number and that jelly bean is still growing...


A Decade of BFNs said...

Love ya!!! Stick baby stick!!! Sending loads of honey your way. I would take the call, the not knowing would kill me more. But I totally understand not wanting to go through this at work. I just hope it's good news for you hun...i really really do.

Anonymous said...

This is such a hard place to be, between either total happiness or total anguish. I know how hard this is, and the toll it takes. I can only hope hope hope for great beta doubling news tomorrow.

Whether or not to take the call at work is a hard decision too. Personally, the not knowing would kill me, but I totally understand not wanting to fall apart at work if the news is not good.

We will all be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping for great news.

Kristin said...

{{{Hugs}}} and prayers. We are here with you.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I REALLY hope the beta comes back with a strong rise. I can't imagine how hard this journey has been for you. There are so many of us in this crazy limbo space where were waiting to see if this is the pregnancy that makes it. Hang in there. said...

Thinking of you! I hope the #'s come back strong tomorrow! Praying for you.

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

I usually answer the phone and duck off somewhere to actually have the conversation. Bathroom, outside, etc.

I hope that it's a call with good news.

Alisha said...

I am thinking of you and hoping for good news. Hang in there!

anichols from SC

babyinterrupted said...

Hoping for all the best for you.