Monday, February 23, 2009

My new motto

is "fuck."

I woke up this morning to bright red blood.

I'm starting to wonder if a biological child is in the books for me, or not. Maybe I should just start looking into adoption. Or see if my friend is still up to be a surrogate.

I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I don't know what to feel. What to do. I am all sorts of sad, angry, depressed, despairing, but I also feel so apathetic. Why is this happening again?

I might go to the ER, but given my last traumatic experience with them, I don't want to. However, the cramps will be getting pretty bad soon I think. I may need pain medication... and they probably won't give me any though.

Plus, I want an u/s. I just want to see my baby, I never got to see either of them before. Not Sebastian, and not this one. I just want to see my baby.

I don't know what to do. I am at a loss.


Celia said...

What does your doctor say? I amso sorry you are getting your heart beat on like this.

Mommy at heart said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better.

A Decade of BFNs said...

When I read: I just want to see my baby. It makes me so sad. I know what you mean. I said the same thing to DH when I was having my 2nd m/c. I kept telling him, all I want to see is the bubble on the screen.

I am pulling for you so freaking hard. I hope this is not the end.


Kristin said...

Oh honey...I am praying this is just a fluke. I am praying hard that the bleeding will stop and everything will be fine.