Monday, February 9, 2009

Birthday Wishes

I got part of my Birthday wish today... first, I ovulated the day before my Birthday. Then today I got a faint positive on a home pregnancy test. However, we all know that being pregnant does not equal a baby. See exhibit A. My miscarriage, exhibit B. My sister's full term stillbirth, exhibit C. My grandmother's stillbirth.

I knew I'd be scared when I finally saw that little pink line, but I didn't realize it would be this stifling, this gut clenching. I got to be pregnant for a week last time. What if this time it is even shorter? What if it's longer, but the end is still the same?

There are so many unknowns. So many possibilities. I am happy, but so terrified that I can't enjoy it. I didn't enjoy my last pregnancy much either, mainly because I kept telling myself that I could lose the baby, I knew that even carrying to full term held no guarantees... not after what happened to my sister. But I dared to hope.

Do I dare to hope this time?

So many things can go wrong over the time span of gestation. For all I know, even now the baby could have stopped growing. It could already be a lost cause. For all I know, I could just be waiting the inevitable cramps, the pulsating bleeding, palm sized clots, the irritated and painful cervix.

Or, I could be awaiting a viable living breathing child.

Is that too much to ask for?

It may be, but I'm asking anyway. Universe, can you hear me? It's been almost two years since I decided I wanted to procreate; so how about it? Can I have a living child this time? Have I paid in my dues yet, do you have enough of my tears collected, enough of my pain, my sadness, do you have all my struggles logged in? Now that I've finally been able to concieve again (it only took 8 months this time), can I please carry to term and deliver a healthy living baby? How about it? Please?

17 comments:

Bluebird said...

Happy birthday sweetie, and congratulations. I'm sorry you have so much fear, and so much reason to fear. Hoping and praying that this is it for you.

Tara said...

You do dare to hope this time. Never lose your hope. Congratulations! Let yourself be excited if only for a few minutes each day! Hugs, sweetie!

Celia said...

Happy Birthday. This is wonderful news! Try and allow yourself to be happy.

I am thrilled for you!

Michelle said...

What a great birthday present. Congratulations!

Dora said...

Totally understand your fears. I'll hope for you. Happy happy birthday!!!!

G$ said...

Hope is all we have. This new little one deserves it :)

Grats to you, I am here, hoping with you.

xo

birdsandsquirrels said...

Congratulations! I am so happy for you! I know it's got to be hard, but you deserve to hope and be happy. Enjoy this!

Mrs. Olson said...

Congratulations! While I understand your fears completely, try and enjoy the miracle that you have been given. I'll be praying for you!!

Cara said...

Oh My! Happy birthday to you and Wow! This is such wonderful news.

Yes - we are in that "no weekly number is safe" club, but it can be done! I'm cheering wildly for you!

'Murgdan' said...

Oooohhh...I'm hoping for you! Congrats--I hope your wish comes all the way true in 9 months!

angrycanrn said...

You have to hope. Without hope, what is there?

You are in my thoughts and will be for the next 36 or so weeks!

Hang in there. Happy Birthday!!

The Steadfast Warrior said...

Congratulations! I KNOW how tough being in this place is. Care to join me in the padded room for awhile? It's very quiet and peaceful. ;)

Always hope whenever you can. Sometimes it's all you have to hold on to.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Oh such happy news. Totally understand your trepidation at wanting to be even happy for a brief moment just in case but honey you're pregnant, rejoice in it.

Yes the end of the race isn't until you are holding a living, breathing (and probably screaming!) baby in your arms but enjoy what you have now. I know it's hard, trust me I know but try....if you don't you will kick yourself later...enjoy every SINGLE moment of this journey to becoming a Mum!

I'm SOOOOO happy for you...

xxxxx

Kristin said...

Happy Birthday and CONGRATS! I don't know if you ever got to read the blog Chez Miscarriage but the author, Grrl, had a phrase she called upon during her surrogate's entire pregnancy. That phrase is NBHHY...Nothing Bad Has Happened Yet...try to remember that and enjoy yourself.

Tally said...

Over here from LCFA. If I had the universe's ear, I would definitely put in a good word for you.

Happy Birthday, and best wishes!

-Tally

Celia said...

That is really good advice. Nothing Bad Has Happened Yet.

You are both in my prayers.

Kristin said...

BTW, welcome to the book challenge. Which ones on my list have you read too?