I got part of my Birthday wish today... first, I ovulated the day before my Birthday. Then today I got a faint positive on a home pregnancy test. However, we all know that being pregnant does not equal a baby. See exhibit A. My miscarriage, exhibit B. My sister's full term stillbirth, exhibit C. My grandmother's stillbirth.
I knew I'd be scared when I finally saw that little pink line, but I didn't realize it would be this stifling, this gut clenching. I got to be pregnant for a week last time. What if this time it is even shorter? What if it's longer, but the end is still the same?
There are so many unknowns. So many possibilities. I am happy, but so terrified that I can't enjoy it. I didn't enjoy my last pregnancy much either, mainly because I kept telling myself that I could lose the baby, I knew that even carrying to full term held no guarantees... not after what happened to my sister. But I dared to hope.
Do I dare to hope this time?
So many things can go wrong over the time span of gestation. For all I know, even now the baby could have stopped growing. It could already be a lost cause. For all I know, I could just be waiting the inevitable cramps, the pulsating bleeding, palm sized clots, the irritated and painful cervix.
Or, I could be awaiting a viable living breathing child.
Is that too much to ask for?
It may be, but I'm asking anyway. Universe, can you hear me? It's been almost two years since I decided I wanted to procreate; so how about it? Can I have a living child this time? Have I paid in my dues yet, do you have enough of my tears collected, enough of my pain, my sadness, do you have all my struggles logged in? Now that I've finally been able to concieve again (it only took 8 months this time), can I please carry to term and deliver a healthy living baby? How about it? Please?