Sunday, February 15, 2009

Anxious

I have another beta tomorrow at 18dpo, so we'll see what those numbers have done. I am 17dpo, or 4wks 3days at the moment. The spotting seems to have stopped for now, thank god.

I'm terribly anxious. My last day of calm, or happiness, in my last pregnancy was 18dpo. I started miscarrying at 19dpo. I'm terrified that it will happen again.

I am doing what I did last time though. I am trying to savor each second I am pregnant. Sometimes I am even allowing myself to imagine that this baby will make it. (But, for some reason, this time I'm having trouble even grasping that there might be anything in there.) I'm waiting for it to come crashing down. But I am trying to enjoy it. I am pregnant for now. I am pregnant.

However, this anxiety can not be easily pacified. Once you've had a loss I don't think it ever can. I know how quickly, unexpectedly, things can change.

18dpo last time, I was fine; only minor pregnancy cramping, nothing wrong. Then, 19dpo came, I was getting ready for a nephews birthday party, and printing my BBT chart for an appt with my ob/gyn the next day... and then... the minor pregnancy cramps intensified. No warning. It sent waves of pain through me, and I fell to my knees in pain. I went to the bathroom for a reassurance check, only to be blindsided with large clots and blood. Happy and peaceful, to distraught and agony in under a minute flat. My world came crashing down. The word success meant nothing anymore, the 13 months TTC stung bitterly, the knowledge that this could have been my one shot crushing me.

I know that things are different this time. I ovulated early this time, and the ovulation was nice and strong too. Last time my temps never got this high.

This time my PCOS is pretty much in check with the Metformin.

This time we "did the deed" two days prior to ovulation, instead of 4 days prior to ovulation. I was so pissed that A had that buisness trip. That's why we had only "done the deed" 4 days prior to ovulation. Because he was out of state. I had thought we'd missed the window for conception... but we hadn't.

I can't help but wonder sometimes if the miscarriage was because of my uncontrolled PCOS, and a combination of old sperm meeting an old egg. If it really was my fault for not going to a doctor, being more proactive about getting everything in order.

I won't ever know the exact cause. I won't know why my Sebastian stopped growing.

And that eats at me, for sure. I don't know what went wrong last time. I don't know if it is going to go wrong again this time.

I hope it doesn't. I want a healthy pregnancy, resulting in a healthy baby.
I am staying on my Metformin as long as I can. And I am being aggressively monitored by my RE. This all won't stop a miscarriage if it's inevitable, but at least I can have peace of mind in the meantime.

4wks 4days here I come.

9 comments:

Kristin said...

Just keep chanting...NBHHY (nothing bad has happened yet). Keeping my fingers crossed and praying hard for you.

Celia said...

Nothing Bad Has Happened Yet. Hang tough BooBoo.

janis said...

((hugs)) fingers so crossed for you!!

'Murgdan' said...

Good luck today....I'll be thinking of you.

WiseGuy said...

Stay Tough! Stay Strong! There are no comfort words in my cupboard, but just know that I will be praying for you.

Penny said...

I check this blog every day to hear news! I'm so excited for you. I can understand the anxiety. I'm still so glad your first beta was nice and strong, with good P4 results. It's impossible I think to visualize an actual baby at this stage. It's nothing but anxiety, I think, if you've had a history of infertility and/or loss.

Good luck! Please post! We're all dying to know.

Dora said...

NO BAD! NO BAD!

Keeping my fingers crossed for a great beta.

Michelle said...

Hang in there. I know it is so hard right now. I am sending you lots of positive thoughts.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

"I am pregnant for now. I am pregnant". This has also been my mantra. Keep reminding yourself of this. You are still pregnant. Hope your beta is fantastic. It is hard to accept that we are no longer naive, that we understand that pregnancy does not always =baby. But it DOES for so many, so we have to keep believing it will for us too.