Thursday, February 26, 2009

Limbo revisted

After having no spotting at all yesterday, I awoke today to find some red and brown.

Now, I guess I just wait to see what it does. Will it go away, will it pick up, am I going to start cramping... my entire life is nothing but waiting. Waiting to start medicine, waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting to miscarry or have a child... I'm always waiting, never savoring the moment. Life is nothing but instances of waiting anymore. Of course, it always was before though. Waiting to grow up, waiting to be free from the bad home I grew up in, waiting to graduate high school, then waiting to graduate college... I think it's human nature to always look to the future and long for that better day, especially when the day you are in is pretty bad.





You know, I expected to feel devastated, distraught, and despairing like last time. And while I am to an extent hurting, I find that I can still laugh right now. I couldn't laugh for months last time. I can smile, go about my life this time. Last time all I could do is stare at my living room walls for weeks. Last time, when I saw the blood I collapsed on my bathroom floor and started shaking as I dialed my husband's cellphone number. This time, I just hopped in the shower to clean it up, and then I woke him up to let him know. This time, while I was hurting, I was still able to remain fairly calm.

I think the thing that really surprised me is the numbness. I just feel numb, like all my tears have been spent, and all my happiness has too. Yes, I am sad, but I have hardly shed a tear. Yes, I can laugh, but that doesn't mean I'm happy. I feel like I exist in a vacuum. I exist, but I am not existing.


I guess I am off to go lay down and watch some television. That's all I've been doing since Monday really. I doubt it will do any good, but I might as well take it easy and hope that maybe it will help a little. It's better than doing nothing at all, I suppose.

I am 6weeks today, if I'm even still pregnant.

14 comments:

G$ said...

Limbo land is tough to be in. I am keeping you in my thoughts. Hoping this goes the unexpectedly good way.

xo

Kristin said...

Waiting sucks so badly. I am glad you are still finding the ability to laugh. Hope you get wonderfully surprising results the next time you go to your doc.

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

jodie38 said...

Here from Antigone's blog - I completely understand how much ass limbo sucks. All you can do is keep functioning, keep breathing, and keep going. It ain't pretty, but it works...

Big hugs to you - hoping you get good news soon!

Penny said...

Just wishing the best for you from over here.

Antigone said...

My m/c's always started off bright red - not brown. I'm not trying to go all rainbows and butterflys on you but you never know...maybe...

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

It's interesting that you said you expected to feel devastated and distraught like last time but that you're not.

I miscarried two days ago, my fourth and I was expecting to fall apart like I have with my previous 3 but I didn't.

Like you, I think I have no tears left to shed, I'm smiling and going about life and people are looking at me like I have 3 heads because I should be a crumpled heap right?

Perhaps I should be but I feel if I let it creep in a little it will take over my life and right now, I need some control back.

I'm still hoping it sticks for you, I really am...

Rach
xxxx

Parenthood For Me said...

I relate to what you said about your tears being spent and being numb. I am wishing you the best.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I think it's time you and "limbo" had a serious talk. ;)

I'm thinking of you always. Hang on little one, hang on!

Mrs. Olson said...

I nominated you for the Honest Scrap Award
at
http://bottomsoffandonthetable.blogspot.com/

WiseGuy said...

Numbness....it is not an unfamiliar feeling to me. I know how hazy but alive these days are for you.

Please know that you are loved and cared for.

Celia said...

Girl, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I wish none of us had to. I wish I had more than some semi soothing platitudes to offer.

birdsandsquirrels said...

The waiting is awful. If it helps, there are many, many of us out here waiting with you and hoping for the best for you and your baby. Keeping you in my thoughts...

Another Julia said...

Saw your comment on Murgdan's blog...
I'm not here to annoy you with the "it's all gonna be okay" baloney, either, but maybe I can offer a little hope....I spotted/bled throughout the entire first trimester of my son's pg(after IVF/ICSI). That included gushing blood here and there, brown/red spotting, and moments of pure terror. He's five now, and after week 14, all went perfectly.
I've since had two more IVF/ICSI pregnancies, and am now almost 9w with a singleton. I'm spotting, too--and had a bleed the size of yours about the same time. So far, I've had 4 ultrasounds and the bean gets bigger every time. (Started out measuring behind, now right on time). The only pregnancy where I didn't spot ended in miscarriage at 7.5 weeks. Go figure--and that involved cramping and big clots when it did happen.
Anyway, I guess I'm in the same boat as you are--pg, for now. I hope that your next u/s gives you great news. Hang in there--hoping for the best for you.

Antigone said...

Are you still doing okay?