After having no spotting at all yesterday, I awoke today to find some red and brown.
Now, I guess I just wait to see what it does. Will it go away, will it pick up, am I going to start cramping... my entire life is nothing but waiting. Waiting to start medicine, waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting to miscarry or have a child... I'm always waiting, never savoring the moment. Life is nothing but instances of waiting anymore. Of course, it always was before though. Waiting to grow up, waiting to be free from the bad home I grew up in, waiting to graduate high school, then waiting to graduate college... I think it's human nature to always look to the future and long for that better day, especially when the day you are in is pretty bad.
You know, I expected to feel devastated, distraught, and despairing like last time. And while I am to an extent hurting, I find that I can still laugh right now. I couldn't laugh for months last time. I can smile, go about my life this time. Last time all I could do is stare at my living room walls for weeks. Last time, when I saw the blood I collapsed on my bathroom floor and started shaking as I dialed my husband's cellphone number. This time, I just hopped in the shower to clean it up, and then I woke him up to let him know. This time, while I was hurting, I was still able to remain fairly calm.
I think the thing that really surprised me is the numbness. I just feel numb, like all my tears have been spent, and all my happiness has too. Yes, I am sad, but I have hardly shed a tear. Yes, I can laugh, but that doesn't mean I'm happy. I feel like I exist in a vacuum. I exist, but I am not existing.
I guess I am off to go lay down and watch some television. That's all I've been doing since Monday really. I doubt it will do any good, but I might as well take it easy and hope that maybe it will help a little. It's better than doing nothing at all, I suppose.
I am 6weeks today, if I'm even still pregnant.