Days dragging on

Just a quick update.

I'm still spotting brown... no red since that huge gush Monday morning, and that litte bit of red the other day. The brown spotting gets lighter, heavier, lighter; no rhyme or reason to it. No cramps really, just occasional uterine discomfort. It feels like it normally does when my period is going to start, or like I'm going to start cramping. But, then nothing happens.

Still waiting.
Waiting
waiting
waiting.

Limbo revisted

After having no spotting at all yesterday, I awoke today to find some red and brown.

Now, I guess I just wait to see what it does. Will it go away, will it pick up, am I going to start cramping... my entire life is nothing but waiting. Waiting to start medicine, waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting to miscarry or have a child... I'm always waiting, never savoring the moment. Life is nothing but instances of waiting anymore. Of course, it always was before though. Waiting to grow up, waiting to be free from the bad home I grew up in, waiting to graduate high school, then waiting to graduate college... I think it's human nature to always look to the future and long for that better day, especially when the day you are in is pretty bad.





You know, I expected to feel devastated, distraught, and despairing like last time. And while I am to an extent hurting, I find that I can still laugh right now. I couldn't laugh for months last time. I can smile, go about my life this time. Last time all I could do is stare at my living room walls for weeks. Last time, when I saw the blood I collapsed on my bathroom floor and started shaking as I dialed my husband's cellphone number. This time, I just hopped in the shower to clean it up, and then I woke him up to let him know. This time, while I was hurting, I was still able to remain fairly calm.

I think the thing that really surprised me is the numbness. I just feel numb, like all my tears have been spent, and all my happiness has too. Yes, I am sad, but I have hardly shed a tear. Yes, I can laugh, but that doesn't mean I'm happy. I feel like I exist in a vacuum. I exist, but I am not existing.


I guess I am off to go lay down and watch some television. That's all I've been doing since Monday really. I doubt it will do any good, but I might as well take it easy and hope that maybe it will help a little. It's better than doing nothing at all, I suppose.

I am 6weeks today, if I'm even still pregnant.

Not looking good

5wks 5days... just a gestational sac. No yolk sac. It's measuring behind.

There is a spot above the gestational sac that appears to be about the same size, odd shaped, and my RE believes it is a bleed (He also said he does not believe it is another gestational sac.)

He wants me to wait it out and come back in next week, whether I miscarry or not.

I must stay in limbo. This sucks.

At least I got the u/s I wanted, and now have something tangible to hold onto regardless of the outcome. I am thankful for that.

Now, to rest.

This week has sucked big time, and it looks like I am up for another 7 days of suck.

Crap.

update

My beta came back at 6,100 something. By my calculations I should have been closer to 10,000. My beta had been doubling between every 24 hours to 48 hours... this is a doubling time of between 48 and 72 hours... which can be okay, but give the circumstances, I am not hopeful.

I have an appointment at 2:00 tomorrow for an u/s and an exam.

There's still the chance it's okay, but I am not big on optimism given the situation.
Yes, I could have a subchronic hematoma (But I doubt that so early on.)
Yes, it could be a twin that stopped growing and is miscarrying (Who knows.)
Yes, it could just be some clot in the uterus causing bleeding (Odd, but it happens.)
Of course, it could be another miscarriage.

I hate that place between knowing and not knowing. You can be 'pregnant', you can be 'not pregnant." What about that strange place in between, when you don't know if your baby is dead or alive. Even though you think you know, you must still act pregnant. That tall glass of vodka and coke is out, that glass bottle of wine, is out. The cigarettes you gave up months, or years ago, must still stay untouched. You can not escape the pain of losing your baby. You must stay sober. You must stay stressed. You must go on acting like your baby isn't dead.

For all intents and purposes, you are still pregnant until proven wrong. You can't even take any pain medication until you know for sure. And so, often you have to suffer the cramps, the hell of uterine contractions and a dialating cervix, with no alcohol, no pills, no relief in sight. There is not a prize at the end of this either, just your dead baby. There is no relief afterward, just the cold embrace of sleep. When you wake up, the nightmare picks back up where it left off.

:(

I got a beta, I had them run it stat, so it should be in later today.

They won't give me an u/s.

She said it's too early to see anything, and I said I know but that I wanted to see it since I never got to see mine last time. I told her that if I m/c then I wanted to have that. She still wouldn't let me :(

I already got the beta, and I really don't want to go to the ER. So I probably won't ever see this baby. It might as well already be gone.

I get pregnant, I m/c, and I am never ever gonna see a baby in my womb.

This sucks. I know, I shouldn't give up yet... but I am bleeding a lot, it feels a lot like last time. I even passed a clot a little bit ago. I'm pretty sure it's over.

Fuck.

My new motto

is "fuck."

I woke up this morning to bright red blood.

I'm starting to wonder if a biological child is in the books for me, or not. Maybe I should just start looking into adoption. Or see if my friend is still up to be a surrogate.

I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I don't know what to feel. What to do. I am all sorts of sad, angry, depressed, despairing, but I also feel so apathetic. Why is this happening again?

I might go to the ER, but given my last traumatic experience with them, I don't want to. However, the cramps will be getting pretty bad soon I think. I may need pain medication... and they probably won't give me any though.

Plus, I want an u/s. I just want to see my baby, I never got to see either of them before. Not Sebastian, and not this one. I just want to see my baby.

I don't know what to do. I am at a loss.

The verdict...

still viable.

My beta came back at 2,396.

No more blood draws for awhile. I get to come in for an u/s on March 9th if everything keeps looking good.

Please let it keep looking good.

NBHHY

"Nothing bad has happened yet."

I made it to 5 weeks this time.

Alright, let's see how much farther I can go this time.

I should get the results from my beta tomorrow morning, nice and early. It needs to be above 1200. Of course the nurse bruised me up getting my blood, so now I have bruises on both arms. Nice. I don't look like a he.roine ad.dict at all. No way.

My school work needs some catching up, my house needs cleaned... however, I am trying to take it easy, plus I have been super fatigued (Nap times are now a regularly scheduled part of my day.) This makes getting things done a little complicated...

Ah, oh well. Quarter is almost over. Just need to pass courses... all 4 of them... and then not repeat overhaul-course-load-madness next quarter. Noooooo. Need break.

Which brings me back to the beginning... Come on beta, bring me some good news. Mama wants a baby!

Progesterone woes and impending betas

I am so thankful for my ridiculously high progesterone. Apparently your progesterone should be from the 20's to the 40's in the first trimester, and mine is in the 60's. I am not going to complain about that.

However, I will complain about the side effects of having such ridiculously high progesterone, and it may be TMI. But, here you have it... I got hit with pregnancy constipation ridiculously early thanks to my super high progesterone.

Not cool.

It's causing abdominal pain, and I have to keep asking myself... is that my uterus or my bowels? What hurts? What should I do, should I see a doctor in case it's my uterus... but they wouldn't be able to do anything anyway. And they wouldn't be able to do anything for the constipation that I myself am not already doing. I am dropping fiber down my throat like it's going out of style, I am taking pills, trying to walk... but then it hurts so I am trying to rest. There's no relief in sight.

I get another beta tomorrow. So hopefully everything is fine, and it's my bowels and not my uterus that hurts.

I pulled something in the car yesterday. I lifted my butt of the seat to pull my trench coat up some, since it was too tight on my arms. I needed some leeway. Of course, when I did so, I felt a sharp pulling sensation in my lower left abdomen... not sure what it was. It's still tender though. It has me on edge.

No spotting right now... but I did have a horrible nightmare last night that felt real. I dreamed I woke up and went to the bathroom, I wiped, and there it was.... dark red blood.

Just a dream... it was just a dream. But of course when I woke up from that nightmare I rushed to the bathroom and checked. Nothing. Just a dream.

So, I am where I was before when the world came crashing down around me.

I am on the cusp of 5wks. I am 4wks 6ays... so close.
I hope I can make it through today.

Quickie

Beta came back at 679, so good doubling time.

Nurse said to repeat on Thursday, and that it should be in the thousands by then so we should be able to go ahead and schedule and u/s (if things keep looking well)

Okay, I need to get ready for class now!

Ungh

Spotting came back. Why why why why why...

I should get my beta results in the morning.

Fingers crossed.

Anxious

I have another beta tomorrow at 18dpo, so we'll see what those numbers have done. I am 17dpo, or 4wks 3days at the moment. The spotting seems to have stopped for now, thank god.

I'm terribly anxious. My last day of calm, or happiness, in my last pregnancy was 18dpo. I started miscarrying at 19dpo. I'm terrified that it will happen again.

I am doing what I did last time though. I am trying to savor each second I am pregnant. Sometimes I am even allowing myself to imagine that this baby will make it. (But, for some reason, this time I'm having trouble even grasping that there might be anything in there.) I'm waiting for it to come crashing down. But I am trying to enjoy it. I am pregnant for now. I am pregnant.

However, this anxiety can not be easily pacified. Once you've had a loss I don't think it ever can. I know how quickly, unexpectedly, things can change.

18dpo last time, I was fine; only minor pregnancy cramping, nothing wrong. Then, 19dpo came, I was getting ready for a nephews birthday party, and printing my BBT chart for an appt with my ob/gyn the next day... and then... the minor pregnancy cramps intensified. No warning. It sent waves of pain through me, and I fell to my knees in pain. I went to the bathroom for a reassurance check, only to be blindsided with large clots and blood. Happy and peaceful, to distraught and agony in under a minute flat. My world came crashing down. The word success meant nothing anymore, the 13 months TTC stung bitterly, the knowledge that this could have been my one shot crushing me.

I know that things are different this time. I ovulated early this time, and the ovulation was nice and strong too. Last time my temps never got this high.

This time my PCOS is pretty much in check with the Metformin.

This time we "did the deed" two days prior to ovulation, instead of 4 days prior to ovulation. I was so pissed that A had that buisness trip. That's why we had only "done the deed" 4 days prior to ovulation. Because he was out of state. I had thought we'd missed the window for conception... but we hadn't.

I can't help but wonder sometimes if the miscarriage was because of my uncontrolled PCOS, and a combination of old sperm meeting an old egg. If it really was my fault for not going to a doctor, being more proactive about getting everything in order.

I won't ever know the exact cause. I won't know why my Sebastian stopped growing.

And that eats at me, for sure. I don't know what went wrong last time. I don't know if it is going to go wrong again this time.

I hope it doesn't. I want a healthy pregnancy, resulting in a healthy baby.
I am staying on my Metformin as long as I can. And I am being aggressively monitored by my RE. This all won't stop a miscarriage if it's inevitable, but at least I can have peace of mind in the meantime.

4wks 4days here I come.

Insensitive or Ignorant

I told a friend of mine that I was pregnant again. I sent her a message on F.aceb.ook. I don't like calling her because I know she's usually busy, she has a 4 month old and leads a busy life. So I messaged her.

Her response? "OMG congrats!"

I replied: "Thanks :)"

She then typed, "I told u it would happen."

Are you serious? I may have been a little catty in my reply...
"Yeah.

It only took a couple thousand dollars, lots of high dosage hormone pills, plus insulin pills, and 8 months since the miscarriage... and there's still a chance of miscarrying again. I'm optimistic this time though. I dunno... part of me actually thinks I may have a baby this time. Of course, part of me know that the likelihood of that happening are slim... but we'll see."



But, I mean, are you freakin kidding me? "I told u it would happen."
Yes, it just magically happened all on it's own. And let's not forget how easily it can end. "It would happen" my ass.

I even wrote this to her prior to the whole thing...
"I had a bit of a scare the other night, but my blood work shows that my hormones are rising adequately and everything... so this one may just work out anyway. It's still really early though, so many things can go wrong."

I realize that she comes from a world where babies do not die, but she knows damn well they do. She knows I had a miscarriage last time. She knows about my sister's stillbirth. She knows, or should know, I am scared. Does she actually think I am getting a living baby out of this? Pregnancy does not equal a baby. Not always. No matter how much we wish it would.

I may be overreacting.

It just really pissed me off. Where the hell does she get off giving me an "I told you so" ???

In other news. I have another beta Monday. No spotting (yet) today. My left ovary is hurting something awful though, it's off and on though. Hopefully it will be okay.

I am 4weeks 2 days now. I miscarried at 4weeks 6days last time... let's see if I can get past that hurdle this time.

Stick baby stick!

So happy I am crying

It more than doubled. It went from 37 to 147 in 48 hours.

I repeat again on Monday.

My progesterone came back at 60, so it's fine they said. That will not be checked again.

I am so relieved. So relieved... words can not express. I'm so happy I'm crying. At work.

Now if we can just get it to keep going up, up, up.

Thank you everyone for being here for me. All your comments have helped so much. You have my eternal gratitude.

It continues

Still spotting a bit. Now there's some pink too... ungh.

This is the worst limbo. The place between a possible viable pregnancy, and another miscarriage.

I don't even know what to do with myself.

I get the second beta results tomorrow morning... I also had them throw a P4 on there too, just in case I have low progesterone.

Now the question; should I answer the phone while at work, or let it go to voicemail. While the anxiety of the results will be killing me, a notification of non-viability will kill me. Should I wait until after work to answer, if I end up needing a prescription for progesterone it may be too late to reach my RE's office to get it sent over to my pharmacy. So I probably should answer. But I'm petrified.

I'm 4 weeks (LMP) today. If I'm even still pregnant.
I made it to 4 weeks 6 days last time.

If I don't end up with a baby this time... I don't know if I can keep doing this.
I may keep trying, but then again... it's been almost two years. I have ovulated a total of 3 times, and gotten pregnant twice. I have had one miscarriage... so far. I've done 6 rounds of Clomid. It's taking it's toll on me. I'm worn out... I'm run down... I am at my ropes end.

Everyone has their own limits. I just don't know mine yet. I don't set anything in stone, and the limit changes all the time... but I'm really starting to question that limit now.

If this pregnancy doesn't work... if I lose this baby... what am I going to do?

Is this the beginning of the end

My 12dpo beta came in at 37, I do a repeat beta tomorrow. I'll get the results Friday.

However, I noticed a tiny amount of spotting last night.
And a little more this morning.

This pregnancy might be even shorter than my last one.

There's no reason I should be spotting. No progesterone suppositories, no intercourse, I put myself on pelvic rest actually. My progesterone levels seem fine even. There is no reason for the spotting that I can think of. Unless, of course, this is the end.

I guess we'll find out soon enough. At most we'll know by Friday. At least... who knows. I might find out in a few hours, or later tonight.

Yes, it could still be viable... but I'm not going to get my hopes up. I actually feel pretty numb right now. I don't know what to do with myself, all I can do is wait.

This sucks.

Edited to amend: The beta is in the normal range. And it was the first one. The spotting is what has me concerned... and tomorrow's beta. Should it double, awesome. If it doesn't... horror.

Birthday Wishes

I got part of my Birthday wish today... first, I ovulated the day before my Birthday. Then today I got a faint positive on a home pregnancy test. However, we all know that being pregnant does not equal a baby. See exhibit A. My miscarriage, exhibit B. My sister's full term stillbirth, exhibit C. My grandmother's stillbirth.

I knew I'd be scared when I finally saw that little pink line, but I didn't realize it would be this stifling, this gut clenching. I got to be pregnant for a week last time. What if this time it is even shorter? What if it's longer, but the end is still the same?

There are so many unknowns. So many possibilities. I am happy, but so terrified that I can't enjoy it. I didn't enjoy my last pregnancy much either, mainly because I kept telling myself that I could lose the baby, I knew that even carrying to full term held no guarantees... not after what happened to my sister. But I dared to hope.

Do I dare to hope this time?

So many things can go wrong over the time span of gestation. For all I know, even now the baby could have stopped growing. It could already be a lost cause. For all I know, I could just be waiting the inevitable cramps, the pulsating bleeding, palm sized clots, the irritated and painful cervix.

Or, I could be awaiting a viable living breathing child.

Is that too much to ask for?

It may be, but I'm asking anyway. Universe, can you hear me? It's been almost two years since I decided I wanted to procreate; so how about it? Can I have a living child this time? Have I paid in my dues yet, do you have enough of my tears collected, enough of my pain, my sadness, do you have all my struggles logged in? Now that I've finally been able to concieve again (it only took 8 months this time), can I please carry to term and deliver a healthy living baby? How about it? Please?

Wowzers

Recently I got quite a surprise, I won contests from Cara, and Dora (completely unintentional, but what a welcome suprise)! Where'd all this luck come from? Is it a sign of things to come? I hope so.

So, I have already donated to Share Southern Vermont (Cara's project), and probably will again soon. Now I'm asking you to donate too, you can check out what she's doing here. It's a good cause, help her out.

And Dora was helping both Cara, and The June Bride's Etsy shop (Right now all her profits are going to local charities, as long as her note about it is on the front page!) Go take a peek at The June Bride's Etsy shop, she has some beautiful stuff on there!

So, go check them out and if you can help... awesome :)

Oh, and guess what!!!
I guess my experimenting paid off; It looks like I did ovulate after all... what do ya know?

A nice strong ovulation too, which is astounding for me. My P4 was a whopping 23! How exciting. Now if I managed to catch the egg(s?) I will be esctatic. But I probably didn't.... and that's okay. I'll just do Clomid again next month and see if I can recreate the magic that happened this cycle.

Waiting game is on. I am officially, for real, in the two week wait... Actually, I am eight days into it. But now that I know I did ovulate, the fretting and over-analyzing-every-little-thing can begin!

I'm a little worried that all this good luck is gonna set me up for some really bad luck soon... but I will try to just enjoy the moment. For now, I am happy. For now, I am hopeful. Tomorrow can wait.

Fragile

I don't think my emotional whiplash today was solely caused by my raging hormones. Maybe it aided it, but I doubt it was the only reason.

I'm taking a publishing course this quarter. It's a repeat course actually, I've already taken it. I'm just... retaking it. What happens is we comprise the editorial board for the campus literary journal, we work all the publishing aspects from soliciting submissions for content, to voting yay or nay on content, to editing it, and all the graphical details of the journal itself as well. I have done this, I know what worked last year and what didn't work.

(There is this girl in my course. She had a baby three months ago, she finds any excuse to bring that up. I already have a bad history of this girl because she has anger issues, and she felt it was okay to cuss out myself and some of my friends. About something stupid. She's very immature. So, we have a history. I will call her N.)

Well, we had a short story submitted. It was about a girl who gets pregnant on accident, and the baby ends up in the NICU, but everything turns out okay. Good subject matter, but it was poorly written. I mean, it was so poorly written that we could not possibly accept it and devote time to rewriting it.

In a situation like that, it is best to tell the person that the story is not acceptable for the current issue, and ask them to edit it, and resubmit next year. It would require too much work for this quarter, and it wouldn't be fair to offer to help this person edit it... not when it could be at the cost of cutting someone's story who may only need light editorial changes. It just isn't right. We aren't going to be able to help everyone who has something poorly written, so why should this piece be an exception? Besides, I honestly don't believe that this person has the ability to make it better. I'm not being biased or anything, but I've taken quite a few creative writing courses, and this person's way of writing... it was obvious that this was their first attempt at writing a short story, and it was probably the first draft. I'm really not being harsh, I'm just calling it as I see it. With more work, it could be a great piece. But I just don't think the author is at that level yet. And besides, the author a mother of two, going to school full time, going to be willing to spend hours and hours of free time in the next week to fix it? And if we go to her, offer to help fix it, and in the end it still isn't good enough... well, how would that make this person feel? Good subject matter, but poorly constructed. You can't accept a piece of writing based solely on it's subject matter. A good piece of writing must be... a good piece of writing. The subject matter is only a small part of that.

I explained all this to the class. I gave my opinion, several other student agreed with me.

N was livid. She thinks we should spend our time working on it. Her reasons? She said she liked the birth scene, and as someone who had just been through it herself, she thought it was really honest. She loved the subject matter. N said that the piece would speak to the students more, since many of them have children. She then started counting people in the classroom that had children... and asking each of them how they felt about the piece.

Yup. My opinion doesn't matter because I don't have children. It's nice to know that all my valid arguments can be so easily discounted by my barren womb.

I just shut up after awhile. She kept attacking me, in specific. And since I am all Clomid weepy anyway, I just popped my Skittles in my mouth and glowed with anger while others argued my points. She was obviously to absorbed to even attempt to listen to my reasons. So what difference would it have made?

Maybe, Maybe not

So, I still may or may not have Ov'ed... just waiting this one out.

I think I may have, but I am skeptical. I am so used to not ovulating that I just have a very difficult time believing that I have. I know, 5 days of temps above the cover line should convince me, right? Not so. See, I have my infertile goggles on, but I can still see a trick when I... see one. I just have reserved doubts.

If my basal body temperature stays above the cover line, I will go in Thursday for my progesterone blood draw... "if"... cause you never know. They could go back down, and then my body could laugh at me in the mirror, and say,"Hahaha, you actually believed I would listen to you! You idiot."

Anyway, the progesterone draw should solve the puzzle once and for all... if I go in for it.

If this is all true, and I did miraculously ovulate... I will consider Metformin a wonder drug, since it has possibly got me to respond to Clomid twice now. Whereas all my non-Metformin cycles, with Clomid, I have ovulated... how many times was it? Oh, right... none.

I'm driving myself batty here. I am so used to not ovulating, that I don't know what to make of these temps... are they real? Or are they pulling my frickin leg... I wannnaa knowwww.

Ungh. I am stepping away from my chart. I am holding my breath. I will know in the next couple of days if my ovaries did indeed respond.

The wait is driving me insane though. I am just... not used to this much limbo. I am used to waiting around for nothing to happen, and then... nothing happens. Not even fake temp raises usually... but this time... there is a significant extended temp rise... and I don't know what to make of it. Is it real, or is it a big joke...

I was terrified taking my temperature this morning. I was afraid it would be down, and I would have had my hope all up yesterday for no reason. But, it was higher than yesterday... I'm already dreading tomorrow morning's temp... I just know it will bring all my new hope crashing down... Well, I don't know it, but I am such a pessimist, I'm so jaded...

I need to focus on other things... take my mind off it. Now that I've dumped it here (Enjoy!) I can try to go about my day.

"Try" being the key word.

Why is trying to concieve so freakin' hard? Why is it such a headache, so consuming? Unghhh.

Cycle Limbo

I may, or may not, have ovulated.

I guess I'll find out soon enough. My BBT temp this morning was not 100% accurate because I went to bed super late (Party was fun by the way!), and I woke up an hour and a half early. So, if it's still up tomorrow then I will assume I did ovulate, which would put me at 4 DPO tomorrow. I will get a progesterone draw done at 7 DPO to confirm/deny it.

Of course, this is all iffy, since I am not even sure I did ovulate...

So annoying being stuck in cycle limbo... oh well. I'm just going to not think about it. Or try not to, at the very least.

Blah blah blah.

I guess I will just have to do some homework to take my mind off of the stagnant limbo.