Appointment today-

Nombie was doing good, measuring on track and moving around. (Much better ultrasound photos today too.)

The clot is still there though. (Boooooo! Hisssssssssssssssss!) It might be smaller, but as I said before with this machine (and since it's someone different than my RE measuring), it's just so hard to tell.

One thing that's for sure, is that I get to continue bed rest. Also, I should have another ultrasound in about a week (still trying to schedule that, some people are on vacations though so it makes it a little complicated). By tomorrow night I should know when I go back again.

As for the issues with the pre-pay bill. I did call and talk to them about that, and they said that they give you the option to pay it before hand because often it's easier. If you pay more than the services you receive, then they reimburse you. The amount pre-billed is an estimate of their usual services, more specifically what your insurance says would be your co-pay on it. So then you can pre-pay your co-pay. The lady told me that otherwise, after delivery you have 30 days to pay it all.

O.....kay? The letter they send out does not indicate that it's optional, it makes it sound mandatory. Glad I called. I explained to her our situation, and how this pre-pay thing made me uncomfortable. So she made a note on my file, and told me that I can pay on it when I feel comfortable, or wait until after delivery. If things keep going well I will probably pay on it before, because the payments include all antepartum visits (not just delivery). They do not include ultrasounds, any tests, or the hospitals bill though, that's billed separate- which makes sense to me. So it would essentially be one less bill to worry about after delivery... if we make it that far.

I'm still terrified that we won't make it that far. I'm counting down the weeks, and extremely thankful for each additional day I get. But it's scary, it really is. I'm trying not to think ahead, but then I do, and then I try to stop myself, because I can see both possible futures clearly and I don't want to see either right now because it hurts. I can see me falling into a pit of depression because I lost another one, and I can see me with a baby this December... and it hurts, because what if I allow myself to think that, and then I lose it. I don't want to think about either. I'm going to take it one day at a time, or at least try to, but it's hard not to let your mind wander. And it's so hard to relate to any other pregnant women, unless they've had a loss (or losses) because no one else gets this at all. I mean, my god they're sooooo oblivious. The people around me IRL, pregnant or recently first time moms, or even women who had their children so long ago- they're so oblivious. It makes it harder because they're all assuming, already, that this baby is going to be born alive. And when I reel them in for a reality check, because HELLO I'm STILL on bed rest for complications... they act like I'm being over dramatic or a debbie downer. Screw that.

Okay, okay, I'm going to stop venting/ranting/whining. It's just hard, and I'm trying to figure out what this new normal is. I feel like a huge faker when I say "I'm pregnant." And especially so since my experience is so dramatically different than everyone else.

Back to crocheting some granny squares I suppose.