Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Ignorance must really be bliss-

I feel like screaming at some people...
Screaming to remind them that this is our fourth pregnancy, not our first.

SIL1, the young one who had her first baby last year, with a perfectly routine uncomplicated pregnancy and birth, is trying to give me advice. As if I don't already know some things, you know, having been pregnant three times before and having tried for four years. Yeah, you do tend to pick up on some things, and have plenty of time to make decisions about them. Not to mention, I'm under the care of a recurrent loss specialist. I don't really need advice about what tests to do or not do, thanks. Also, if I was going to ask anyone for advice, it would be my own sister... who has been pregnant three times, resulting in a stillbirth, and two live births, who also has a clotting disorder, was on Heparin for her last two pregnancies, and also happens to be a nurse. Yeah, who would you turn to for pregnancy advice if you were in my shoes?

My husband told his dad and step-mom about the pregnancy, and everything that's going on with it. They don't seem to think it's very serious. Although my husband kept stressing that this was a "potential" grandchild, since we don't know if it'll survive, they still weren't quite grasping it. Step-mom even dared to say that she hoped it was a girl because she was sick of having grandsons... my husband replied with, "I hope it's a baby." Who fucking cares if it's a boy or girl?! As far as I'm concerned, it'll be a miracle if this thing comes out alive! Talk about seriously not grasping the situation! They both know that we had three miscarriages before this pregnancy, but they're completely oblivious. Must be nice to be so utterly ignorant, huh?

If this baby does stay with us, I'm tempted to find out the gender and just not tell anyone. Screw them.

It isn't just that, but lots of little things here and there that remind me how easy it seems to be for everyone out there to forget that this is our fourth pregnancy. That we lost three before this. That we've been struggling for four years. That we aren't ignorant. And that nothing is certain.

If we stay pregnant, I'm going to keep reminding them. Because, you know what, so sorry, too bad, maybe they can forget the lives we lost but I can't. This is not our first pregnancy, and we aren't going to pretend that it is like they are. They'll probably think I'm being crass, or rude, but if they keep choosing not to listen to what we're saying, well they're just asking for it anyway.

Yeah, I'm a little bitchy right now, sorry. My husband just got the "sick of grandsons" comment today. I don't really like my step-MIL (honestly, only FIL seems to like her), but that comment was just too far. I expected it, because she fed the same line to SIL1 last year (and much to their dismay, SIL1 had a boy... boo-fucking-hoo). But given our situation, you'd think she would have the tact to shut her trap. But, no, she apparently lacks that ability.

Okay, okay... vent over.
But seriously, ignorance must really be bliss.


St Elsewhere said...

I am sorry that you have to be dealing with family drama on top of everything else that is happening.

Before anything, I want Nombie to RALLY like a champ here and I don't care if Nombie is a little boy or a girl. Your husband is so correct when he says he wants a baby, gender be damned.

I think people operate on selective information much too often. Your in-laws/SIL is operating on the fact that you are pregnant, and have completely overlooked the fact that this is NOT your first pregnancy.

I hope A- has learnt some good recipes, and you are taking care of yourself.

I am hoping Nombie will make it (you know I do). Also, I wish the SCH will leave you alone. God!

I haven't left a comment on your last few posts, but I have been reading.


Stinky said...

for fucks sake! What IS it with gender preference? Same as your husband, I don't care if ours (see the positive thinking here) comes out either AS LONG AS IT IS ALIVE AND HEALTHY!
Christ on the bicycle!

Just had a(nother) convo with my dad, all so jolly. I tell him "look there's a chance that you might not be getting a grandchild from this end of the family"
Him:" oh well, not the end of the world!"
(I just realised now what he meant - for him! Of course uber-sensitive-hurtiness goes into overdrive with this stuff)

It fucks me off when people don't seem to recognise miscarried babies as 'real pregnancies' too. You bitch away, hon!

aliciamarie911 said...

Your SIL sounds like mine. My SIL seems to think she has the answers to all my life problems. She gives me "advice" on my IF journey as if she has gone through it before. She HASN'T. She has two perfectly healthy babies! I'm sorry that people aren't understanding what you tell them. As far as your step-MIL...I'd be tempted to kill her. Who cares what the heck she wants!

Lissie said...

Man! People can be so frustrating!!! Great vent! My soon to be step-mother doesn't get it either. She keeps telling me the "If God wants it to happen it will" line while her daughter keeps popping out kids she can't take care of. Sometimes people suck!

I'm really hoping that thing get better and easier for you. You deserve it!

Stacy said...

Ok, I am going to bitch a little too... My SIL just had her 3rd son, no problems, easy conception, easy delivery... When she found out that she was BLESSED with another son, she was "depressed, b/c she really wanted a girl". She cried about it for at least a week.

When we got pregnant with our son who is now 2, I told my MIL when we found out that he was a boy. Her response: " I am never going to get a granddaughter! I guess I can just put up all my barbies" Yeah we have had 3 miscarriages and are currently trying for baby number 2 (for almost 2 yrs). I really want to tell his mother and SIL to go fuck themselves! They can kiss my ass b/c I love my son and would be BLESSED to have another one!

I think people are just stupid and they drive me nuts! I have plenty more stories but maybe another day. I have been thinking about you nonstop since I found your blog and I think Nombie has 2 great parents already. Nombie will be truly loved and taken care of regardless!

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I agree- ignorance must really be bliss! Sending you + vibes for Nombie...

Rebecca said...

Really these folks have no concept of what you are going through to keep this pregnancy viable if they are making comments like that. They should just be concerned about your health and the health of your fetus and not worry about what sex the baby will be. Sheesh some folks need a reality check.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. There really is a bliss to ignorance. It's like they live in another universe.

I really think that most people who haven't experienced pregnancy loss or infertility live in a naive bubble. Your family is saying really insensitive stuff, and what makes it even more unfair is that there is NO WAY they could possibly understand how it could be perceived as hurtful, so somehow you are expected to forgive them. I'd be really bitter too. You have every right to be totally pissed at them.

While there are a few gems out there who get it, most of the "fertiles" never have a taste of what this is like and have no idea of they pain they get to avoid.

Negative Nelly said...

that's crap. I love how people are always comparing their pregnancies "I had 2 kids within x amount of time" or I had to do xyz when I was pregnant. My reply is "well...I've been pregnant twice in one year following surgery and fertility drugs and know people that have been pregnany 4x's in a year."

THOSE women win the pissing contest.

What is it with competitive reproductive women? Geesh.